Alas Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I know everyone is different, but wondering if any of you can give me some perspective on how one recovers from the betrayal of an emotional affair. I found out this summer that my husband of 20 years "fell in love" with an old high school friend on the internet. There were declarations of love and cybersex, but no physical contact. When one of our children went through a horrendous life crisis, he decided to focus back on our family. His love interest didn't like this and began to stalk him--constant calling, texting, etc. This went on for months, escalating to where she began calling the house. This is when he confessed that he had a "relationship with her that he didn't feel crossed any lines." I called her and found out her story. Believing neither of them, I was just bereft. I went away for a few days and when I returned he gave me the full truth. He has been very open and is working on his personal issues that led to the affair. The trouble is that my trust and admiration for him is absolutely gone. All his efforts to make things right, the progress we're supposedly making, doesn't feel true. It's been 5 months since I found out. I trusted this man with my life. With that trust broken, I'm having trouble seeing a way to renew it. My question is this: Is it truly possible to have real trust again after an affair?
Pomppikani Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Been there too.. To me it was possible to have a real trust after my husband's affair. And it was more than just emotional. It was emotional and psyhical. It took almost three years to get over it, but it was worth it. One important thing I learned was that I really don't need him, but I love him, want to be with him and that's why I wanted to make things work again. Not easy, but possible.
goingstrong Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 With men being the cheater..yes. With women..rarely.
Star727 Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 I don't know. I'm 2 years out since discovering my WH's 10 year EA with a fellow coworker that was a somewhat friend of mine. We have had 4 D-Days, I've found 3 secret cell phones, asked him to leave twice and for some crazy reason, we are still together and we really shouldnt be. After D-Day #1, if he had only stopped the contact then, I think I could have trusted him again but it didnt work out that way. I doubt I will ever trust him again because he has lied too many times. Since both know how you feel about their relationship and it has truly ended, yes, you can trust him again. It might take awhile. You'll know the trust is back when you stop thinking about his EA. When none of that bothers you, gives you a sick feeling in your stomach, when you are no longer interested in checking his cell phone or computer to see whats he's been doing - you are over it and the trust will just be there. But the minute he does it again - you will be back where you started from and worse than ever because now you know he's doing it because he really wants to - not because he didnt think it was cheating.
jimrich Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Is it truly possible to have real trust again after an affair? .. I'd say it is BUT only after a lot of trustworthy events, actions and demonstrations - maybe years of it! I'd have to see a LOT of loving, loyal, respectful, HONEST behaviors to trust and love again. And I'd probably want to get deeply into marriage counseling or relationship books to get to the bottom of the discontent and issues that inspired the affair & cheating.
Universe Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I had an emotional affair that I wasn't even aware I was having, i.e. I thought of her like a sister and close friend. But then things got mildly physical on couple of occasions and I was completely devastated by my own actions. I had completely gotten away with it and kept it a secret for over two months. But in the end it just tore me to pieces keeping a secret like that. I told my long-term girlfriend absolutely everything; gave her access to my email account, cell phone, everything. The whole ordeal has been horrendous. We both started going to counseling independently and sometimes together. Well - it's been 3 months since I confessed. Things are good between us - better than ever in some ways. But she still checks my email, etc. occasionally and has moments of anger about the affair. I'm happy that she's giving me a chance to reconcile. But I'm tormented by the knowledge of the pain I've caused her. And I'm horrified she will never fully forgive me. It's very difficult. Sometimes - and I know this sounds unfair - but sometimes I get really angry that she won't just get over it already. I don't express that anger to her. I try to vent it when she's not around. But it's very difficult when you love somebody and you've made a big mistake and now they don't trust you anymore. I'm not saying you should trust him now. Every affair is different. I'm not sure if you wanted to hear a voice from the other side. But I thought sharing a story from the other side might be helpful. I don't know if your husband is anything like me. But if he is, then he knows it was a horrible mistake and just got carried away with a feeling that he should have been honest with you about. Counseling has been tremendously helpful for both of us and I strongly recommend it to both you and your husband. He absolutely must get to the bottom of the cause of his behavior and fully understand what happened in order to move forward. And you need to figure out if you really still love him or not. I know my opinion is of compromised worth to you since I am a Wayward Significant Other - but in my opinion, the fact that he did not get physical with the other woman is a big deal. My affair did get physical, but I could not bring myself to actually have sex with the other woman. I'm certainly not trying to say that that makes it ok. It doesn't. But I think it says something really important. For a man to actually follow through with sex is an important distinction in my opinion. Anyways - sorry. I've gotten off point. At any rate, I wish you the best and hope you can figure all this out. Maybe you can't love him anymore and you have to focus on moving on. Or maybe you'll find that you both still love each other and build something even stronger and better than ever. I guess I just hear your story and I hope to god that I haven't ruined my relationship forever. Good luck.
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