Elevation Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Elevation, I don't know that your experience is very reassuring as to a MM caring, because it seems he only contacted you and apologized when he needed something from you -- in this case, to try to keep you on his good side so that you don't turn on him and tell his wife more than he wants her to know. I hope you can move on because you shouldn't put up with someone treating you like that. Honeyd, I hope you can move on too. In most cases, MM's actions after dday can be understood as them thinking about one thing only - themselves. I'd say that is a good example for OW to follow. Think about yourself and do things for yourself that make you feel good. You need to decide that you deserve better. HI woinlove - the apology came several months ago in June - my mistake as I didn't explain this to you clearly enough - and the phone call this week. Lots of contact initiated by him in between. I don't honestly think that he rang me just to get me on his 'good side' as I'd known all along his e-mail, her e-mail, the home phone number, address, his cell phone(mobile phone) if I'd wanted to do anything to spill the beans. I think the apology was genuine. But yes the phone call from him warning that the $hit had hit the fan, it is self-protection on his part as well a as warning about what was to happen. Yes they think about themselves more than anyone. They are their own number one priorities. Probably always has been the case. It shocked me, although gave me some comfort to know I was not alone, reading these boards, and seeing the endless stories of married men chasing another woman then turning their back on the other woman when exposed, or the going got too deep, or the other woman wanted more.
woinlove Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 HI woinlove - the apology came several months ago in June - my mistake as I didn't explain this to you clearly enough - and the phone call this week. Lots of contact initiated by him in between. I don't honestly think that he rang me just to get me on his 'good side' as I'd known all along his e-mail, her e-mail, the home phone number, address, his cell phone(mobile phone) if I'd wanted to do anything to spill the beans. I think the apology was genuine. But yes the phone call from him warning that the $hit had hit the fan, it is self-protection on his part as well a as warning about what was to happen. Yes they think about themselves more than anyone. They are their own number one priorities. Probably always has been the case. It shocked me, although gave me some comfort to know I was not alone, reading these boards, and seeing the endless stories of married men chasing another woman then turning their back on the other woman when exposed, or the going got too deep, or the other woman wanted more. Thanks for the explanation as I assumed from your post he had just called. Maybe he called because he cared about you. Maybe his wife wasn't making him feel like a wonderful guy and he needed some reassurance. Maybe a bit of both. It can be difficult to know, even for your own MM, although you usually want to assume the best. That is, until you get tired of assuming the best and start to look at things in a different way. Yes, the "endless stories" of MM who seemed to love and care, but never carry through with actions when push comes to shove are shocking. They have kept me from temptation!
Author honeyd Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Honeyd he probably is sorry but just can't talk to you. Not excusing his behaviour, you so deserve an explanation and an apology, but if it's any consolation I went through all this and had to go through being cut off abruptly with no answers, from full on to nothing. I think it's quite common in these situations. If there's one thing I learnt on here it's that it is VERY often the case that the other woman gets thrown under the bus, ignored, disrespected whatever, upon discovery of the extra-marital relationship, it's panic mode for the men and if you look at it from their point of view they stand to lose (in their view) usually the kids, usually their home, lose money, respect of family members and friends... you can see why they panic... but over time reality sets back in and they're unhappy in the marriage like they were before. I had an apology from mine (and he wasn't trying to resume the affair/fling/sexual aspect) it just took him a while to say it. AND he got back in touch with me. I was thinking for a long time HOW could he do it, how could he just cut me off, and not want to contact me... but eventually he did... and said I hope you're not too pi$$ed at me, which of course I was!! And told him so in no uncertain terms!! So currently while you're feeling rubbish and thinking he doesn't care, he probably does. It doesn't mean he's going to come back. He might do. But he's in panic mode at the moment. Also this man may be in a situation where the wife forgives affairs. It sounds like it. From my experience... I mean friends... colleagues... people I know... I am not referring to myself... a guy has no respect for a woman who keeps taking him back regardless. Of course it's also an easy life so maybe he'll stay with her. But you won't know for a while which way things are going to go, and you have to get on with your own life too and see what happens. As I say I'd had some renewed contact from my man and this week he called me to warn me I'd be hearing from his wife as she'd been in his e-mails and found something, I did indeed receive a not nice e-mail from her. I don't want to give too much information in case she's reading but I will be hearing from him again I am sure and I think you will hear from yours too but I do think it does make the high regard you hold them in go down a little bit, it has for me. Anyway listen he's not telling his wife the whole truth you can bet your life and he can't have been that happy with her or he wouldn't have gotten involved with you... so don't beat yourself up... it isn't all hunky dory in their marriage and you can't just switch off your feelings for him, no one would expect you to, except one or two with their brisk 'Move on' 'Forget him' advice which is fine but it's more difficult to put into practice! Elevation, I am glad I have a forum like LS to talk with OW about this situation because the truth is that I never envisioned myself as a mistress and I told my MM that from the moment he told me his wife was moving back in with him. I said "I cannot be your mistress, I'm too nice to live that kind of life. I am front page!" He wasn't happy about my stance because he did not have what he described as an 'exit strategy'. You are so right. He was worried about the kids and his assets, in fact he wanted me to help him figure out how to handle the situation but I refused to play that role. Get advice from a lawyer I told him. I have no doubt he had deep feelings for me and wanted to be with me but he was also looking at a hefty price to pay because we lived so far away from each other and being together meant we would have to be clear on how that would be done and the way forward. What seems clear to me now though, is that after she moved back in, he never told his wife or gave her any idea that he still wanted to divorce her! Maybe this was part of his exit strategy. Keep quiet and plan quietly until he was sure it was the right time to move.I don't know. What I know is that after months of NC, he rang me and said he'd found a job in a city that I too was planning to move to he was ready to get out of the marriage. Of course I love the man. When I fell in love with him he was separated. I had no part in their separation. If he gets scared and decides to cut all contact and stay with his wife, good luck to them both. I still love him. I can't switch off overnight. But in the same way that he might be putting himself first right now, I am putting me first and loving me again. I am smiling as I write because I feel stronger. Much stronger than I've felt over the past week, I still have life (and LS:))and where there's life and (wonderful women like yourself) there is hope.
Author honeyd Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Because you're a mistress and you're in a mistress mentality. I'm sorry FanFan but I seem to learn something new on LS everyday. What is a *mistress mentality?* Are you saying that people who fall in love, things don't work out and they are finding it hard to move on overnight, have a 'mistress mentality?' This MM is not the first man I've loved and things didn't work out. The other man was very much single. Please tell me more.
Recommended Posts