brentmused Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 (edited) I've posted a couple of times about the break up of my 11 year relationship which was 4 months ago today. We work together and have to deal on a daily basis and finding another job that pays near enough the same is impossible. I found out 2 weeks ago she had started seeing someone else and it destroyed me and since then I have been getting worse towards her. I am constantly hassling her, trying to find out what she is doing, I even check her home phone records for the number of this new man, I also know her facebook password and am always checking it for clues. I also found out she has a second phone in addition to her work mobile, obviously because she's worried about phoning the new man on her work mobile as I could check the phone numbers on her mobile records as they are in our work as it is paid for by our company, which incidentally her father, my boss, owns. I am desperate to find out who the new man is, even though I'm not sure I want to. I know I am making her life a misery and things have got terrible between us since I found out she had someone else and we have had many arguments and screaming between us and I know that soon we will not be on speaking terms and will hate each other. I just can't accept someone else taking my place after all that time and doing the things with her on a daily basis that I should be doing.we had been having problems a few years ago and had a break in Feb 09 and got back together in May 09 because we decided our relationship deserved another try. We went on holiday together in July 09 and unbeknown to me until about 3 weeks ago, she was having doubts then on our holiday. What annoys me more than anything is that she never said a word or tried to do anything about it for a year and we split in July 10. If she had said she was having doubts we could have tried something else. Maybe i had moved backed in with her too quickly. I could have moved into my own place and we could have just seen each other 2 or 3 times a week, but she let it get worse and worse inside her head about us for a year and kept quiet, then it was too late. What also angers me is that I feel used. Since we split in July this year i have given her money, paid for clothes for her, taken her for meals, taken her to events, paid for her satellite subscriptions of 75 pounds per month for 5 months, put petrol in her car, taken her to the cinema and just generally spent money on her etc. With no objections, and as soon as the new man comes along, she's not interested and basically just wants me to disappear. What should I do? I want stay on better terms with her as we were with each other for 11 years (I'm 39 she's 38) but I just get so frustrated when I think of her with the new man and that's when things get nasty between us as I just can't accept it Edited November 25, 2010 by brentmused spelling
AlisaMarie Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Hi brentmused.. If she has a new man why on Earth are you doing all of that stuff for her? Let her "new man" step up. As for the stalking issue, I know it's hard to resist, but you do know that what you see is only going to cause more pain for yourself. I know 11 years is a very long time to be with someone. I wish I had some sound advice besides the obvious- move on. That's all everyone says... move on, no contact, get over it... blah blah... yeah we know! But they're right. I hope you find peace in your soul. Everyone deserves to be happy and have that someone special. But just reading everyone's posts here- no story seems to have a happy ending anymore.
Graceful Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Dude, you're 39 years old and you are acting like a teenager. Grow up. You had an 11 year r/l and you never got engaged, let alone married, you do not have a child with this woman, and you want to know what you should do? Leave her alone and grow up. Seriously, you are borderline stalker and if you aren't careful, you could lose your job. If you were kind to her that's to your credit, but she owes you nothing now. She seems to have taken advantage of you, but you're going to have to put that behind you. It's not appropriate to try to be friends with an ex in your situation, sounds like you had a very dysfunctional r/l, be glad it's over, get a grip, get some help and let it go. The sooner the better. Really, man, get some self-respect. Sorry to harsh on you, but you're humiliating yourself.
thatsonlyme Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Dude, you're 39 years old and you are acting like a teenager. Grow up. You had an 11 year r/l and you never got engaged, let alone married, you do not have a child with this woman, and you want to know what you should do? I don't see what this has to do with anything. I don't think engagement/love or kids are necessary for two people to be together. I'd say, consider yourself lucky that you have no kids with her! I agree you should grow up OP. I was a little bit stalkerish right after break up until I figured out that it's actually doing me more harm than good. It takes some work on yourself and your self esteem but you have to try if you want to get results. 4 months was enough time to mourn, now get up and start looking around, you'll see many amazing women out there! You will get over only if you want to, and trust me when I say that I'm not the person of strongest will, but I forced myself until I reached this point. If you want you can check my previous posts to see how miserable I was. Now I don't exaggerate when I say that I'm truly happy with my life! Yes, I have many aspects of my life that require some work on, but relationship wise, I'm perfectly happy. And just for the record I haven't slept with anyone since my break up. Still I'm happier than my friend who had sex with 3 girls already but he's still not over his ex! How do you know when you're completely over? Well, in my case I have nothing to tell her. Before I always had things I wanted to say when I see her next time but now I just don't care. I can talk to her and give her advice if she asks for it, but that's about it. You can get there if you try hard enough!
Graceful Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I don't see what this has to do with anything. I don't think engagement/love or kids are necessary for two people to be together. I'd say, consider yourself lucky that you have no kids with her! ---------------------------------------------------------------- What I meant was that he has no legal ties to her. They do not need to get divorced nor do they have custody issues with a child. He has to see her at their mutual workplace, but other than that, he does not need to be in contact with her to disengage. are Sorry if that was not clear. My statement was not about commitment. However, he has also stated previously that the r/l was fraught with problems, and it sounds obsessive and dysfunctional. He does not sound like a stable individual. I know a break up is a painful horrible experience, but if you are doing the sort of actions he is doing, that is out of control. That include unethical behavior that is crossing a boundary, which he is doing. That needs to stop. And to be frank, I do think 11 years at their age is too long to stay together without a clear and mutual agreement about the future. It does not sound like they ever had that. Just my opinion. Take care.
hoping2heal Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I've posted a couple of times about the break up of my 11 year relationship which was 4 months ago today. We work together and have to deal on a daily basis and finding another job that pays near enough the same is impossible. I found out 2 weeks ago she had started seeing someone else and it destroyed me and since then I have been getting worse towards her. I am constantly hassling her, trying to find out what she is doing, I even check her home phone records for the number of this new man, I also know her facebook password and am always checking it for clues. I also found out she has a second phone in addition to her work mobile, obviously because she's worried about phoning the new man on her work mobile as I could check the phone numbers on her mobile records as they are in our work as it is paid for by our company, which incidentally her father, my boss, owns. I am desperate to find out who the new man is, even though I'm not sure I want to. I know I am making her life a misery and things have got terrible between us since I found out she had someone else and we have had many arguments and screaming between us and I know that soon we will not be on speaking terms and will hate each other. I just can't accept someone else taking my place after all that time and doing the things with her on a daily basis that I should be doing.we had been having problems a few years ago and had a break in Feb 09 and got back together in May 09 because we decided our relationship deserved another try. We went on holiday together in July 09 and unbeknown to me until about 3 weeks ago, she was having doubts then on our holiday. What annoys me more than anything is that she never said a word or tried to do anything about it for a year and we split in July 10. If she had said she was having doubts we could have tried something else. Maybe i had moved backed in with her too quickly. I could have moved into my own place and we could have just seen each other 2 or 3 times a week, but she let it get worse and worse inside her head about us for a year and kept quiet, then it was too late. What also angers me is that I feel used. Since we split in July this year i have given her money, paid for clothes for her, taken her for meals, taken her to events, paid for her satellite subscriptions of 75 pounds per month for 5 months, put petrol in her car, taken her to the cinema and just generally spent money on her etc. With no objections, and as soon as the new man comes along, she's not interested and basically just wants me to disappear. What should I do? I want stay on better terms with her as we were with each other for 11 years (I'm 39 she's 38) but I just get so frustrated when I think of her with the new man and that's when things get nasty between us as I just can't accept it You can't buy her love. I think maybe you thought if you did all of those things for her that would fix the broken relationship. As you now have come to harshly learn, she was just using you. Pretty rotten on her behalf and says a lot about her charachter. As for the new man, don't go there. You may not like that this relationship has come to an end but it has. That is reality. It is understandable. You were together for 11 years of your life, and it has only been 4 months.However, while your hurt is understandable, your actions are not justifiable. I imagine you are acting out of great pain and grief but you have got to get a grip on yourself and your actions before you end up in jail. You need to understand that the actions you are doing are self destructive. Every bit from the trying to buy her affection to the hassling her and hacking into her facebook account.
Fufu Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 (edited) She has a new man, "Wish her all the best." (Usually the dumpers will least expect us to wish them all the best of their decision in being with a new partner, be generous be magnanimous) What you can do for yourself, live happily, be happy, enjoy every single day. You don't need her to be happy. Sometimes I don't understand, "What's with the going after someone who can so easily ditch us and find a new partner almost instantly?" We definitely deserve better, I will rather be SINGLE than to go after someone that can give up so easily and find a new partner so quickly. Edited November 26, 2010 by Fufu
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