How to make a NC deal?

[believed]

Hello everyone, I´m new here with a loong and tiring story going on. I think I have several issues I will need to post about little by little, but for now the NC theme while reading old posts.

 

I can see that I need a total break to recover, and let my MM deal with his unsettled divorce and bond-to-his-family issues. Asking for NC I have in my mind this thought saying: what if I risk that he never ever contacts me again, even if he get´s a divorce? How can I put it so that without humiliating myself, I can transmit that when/if he is free and clear, I would like us to explore the relation starting over again?

 

My MM is much older than I, 64, and he might consider not contacting me again to "save" me from having to stop my life for a much older person.

 

So, I both want and don´t want to be available. Any advice?

 

Thank you!

[myname]

Hello everyone, I´m new here with a loong and tiring story going on. I think I have several issues I will need to post about little by little, but for now the NC theme while reading old posts.

 

I can see that I need a total break to recover, and let my MM deal with his unsettled divorce and bond-to-his-family issues. Asking for NC I have in my mind this thought saying: what if I risk that he never ever contacts me again, even if he get´s a divorce? How can I put it so that without humiliating myself, I can transmit that when/if he is free and clear, I would like us to explore the relation starting over again?

 

My MM is much older than I, 64, and he might consider not contacting me again to "save" me from having to stop my life for a much older person.

 

So, I both want and don´t want to be available. Any advice?

 

Thank you!

 

For me, no contact meant being ready to never be contacted again. I think it doesn't work so well if you're holding on to the idea of a future, or letting them know that you're waiting.

 

But then no contact didn't last for me very well, cos he got in contact again, and even though I thought I was totally ready this time, I've not been able to be harsh enough to cut him off totally.

 

Think about what you're ready for and what you want and then stick with your decision is the only advice I can give.

[spice4life]

You can always state that when he is free and clear to give you a call, but don't offer any promises. Another way to look at this is that the NC is for YOU. Use it to explore your own feelings to see how you really feel about him. Who knows, once the fog lifts, you may feel differently about the situation. That's what I would do anyway.

[believed]

ME That is the core to all this. I have not asked for anything for ME since this started months ago. I hardly remember how it is to ask for something, and I always feel guilty or worried it might destroy or put pressure on him. But yes, I can see that this is how I need to look at it. I feel it might be correct to say that he is welcome to contact me when he is free, I would like that, because then I know we would both have a lot to give eachother. But try to live for ME and don´t feel responsable for his problems. I´m for the moment an erased sheet, almost

[believed]

MYNAME: It´s true, I am not quite sure what kind of NC I´m ready for. I think it has to be NC until he has sorted his things, and try to fill my life again while waiting. It might happen that on the way life takes a new turn, at least I will try to set myself up to be open for that from now.

[siuys]

believed, we're in a similar situation. two weeks NC for me. basically, i told xmm to look me up when he's sorted his stuff out and we'll see. he may or may not contact me, and i may or may not want to continue. that's just the uncertainty you have to live with. by staying with him you will not get the answers you want coz he's not there yet.

 

since nc started i realised a lot of things only distance can give you. you may never think so, but you might not want him back after your head is clear and have had some time apart. who knows. he may feel the same way too. that is the risk you both have to take.

 

for me, the bottom line remains i no longer want to be in a toxic relationship/situation no matter how i feel about xMM. and if we ever hook up again, i want him to be clear, willing, motivated to build something with me. i want him to want to be with me, not choose between wife and me.

 

all the best.

[believed]

I have also realized that even if I have feelings, hopes and dreams, I´m so far from the woman I can be, that this needs to stop. My MM has been back and forth with guilt, doubts, bonds, no bonds, but he always insisted that I was a consequence, not a reason for his marriage to break.

 

He never wanted MC, only IC. I always just listened and let myself go through all these doubts ad changes. Lately he insited in that he now knows what he wants, and needs help for the wife to understand the reality to brake up. Afterwards there are these 3 weeks silence, where he doesn´t even follow up a promise to see eachother. I´ve kept silent, but this silence has happend earlier, and now I can´t take it anymore. I don´t exist, don´t eat, work badly. He knows that silence kills me, I need facts to deal with things. He sends me an email yesterday apologizing for his silence, but he needs to advance his process how he´s doing now (in silence), and says he needs the silence. He also says he will write when he feels better. So at the same time he asks for a separation, I suppose, but still indicates that he is advancing his situation. Why the hell leave me once more in the air?

 

In a way this is a NC coming from him, but I´m so hurt and exhausted of these sudden silences, that this time I have told him he needs to speak clear about what this need of silence means, so that I can make a decision if I want him to contact me again. I know it is not wise to write these letters, but it was short, and I think at one point in our history I can say that I don´t accept this behavour. Nothing might come out of it, but he´s a decent person, so at least he will realize what I´m saying.

 

The NC I need is to give him space to figure out his life, but also for me to live again. He really needs to come strongly forward in a possible future for me to take interest. Maybe he has already discarded me from his life, but then he should be able to say that at ths point, not saying he is advancing, and will contact me later??

 

NC next.

[siuys]

believed, your story sounds so similar it is not funny. at the end of the day, he is not clear, and trust me, you do NOT want him when he is like that. he cannot give you the answers because he probably doesn't even know what he wants. my xMM also said when we parted ways that he now knows what he wants. well, i don't believe him. he's too messed up right now to know what the hell he wants. until and unless he knows for sure, and has moved forward, he's no good for you. he cannot offer you anything except uncertainty, doubt, pain, confusion. i lost a lot of weight and could not sleep for months and work suffered too.

 

go NC. only way. you will get your head cleared. it's not worth it to be with someone who is messed up. give him the silence. give yourself the space. tell him not to contact you is the best thing i find. you do NOT want to know all the frigging details and have him file you progress report. if he's serious about D, he will just get on with it. no use talking. walk the walk, i told my xMM. anything less than D papers isn't good enough anymore. even with D papers, he still has to go through all the pain, all the complications. get on with your life. regain self respect and sanity. going nc is hard, but the only way.

 

take good care of yourself coz he ain't gonna, not right now. not like this. love and nurture yourself, talk to close friends. don't look for that from him as you'll be disappointed. he has feet of clay. you cannot depend on anything he says or do right now and he is in a mess. literally.

 

not sure about you but have found some of the books very helpful. look at a recent thread 'Read this'... all the best and keep posting. hugs.

[believed]

It is good to be here, and get decent and calm answers from women like yourself. I know I am not the kind of horrible woman who breaks marriages for fun. I got caught off gard, and was reassured several times not to be afraid, and I have been trapped in the strongest feelings ever in my life.

 

A huge complication has been that I know his family very well, and in a computer attack made by a family member to my MM´s computer (ordered by his wife...), our correspondance was discovered. Everything was deleted, but the connection was discovered. Hell broke loose... I had to accept I lost all of his family, my social network, but trusted we had eachother. Might not be the truth.... I live very far from my family, so this is an extra strain on my shoulders, I´m really alone with this experience. As the decent person I am, I hardly dare to go out for fun or shopping, just in case I see someone who might know, or someone of his family. I have realized that putting me through all his doubt and leaving me alone to deal with all the consequences is not defendable.

 

The doubt is always regarding his kids (who are all past their 30s..), and a wife who threatends with suicide. He wants them to end the relation together, but I think he can wait until he dies like that. The wife will not give up. He says he can cope with his own pain, but not with the pain o others. I suppose my pain clearly doesn´t count.

 

NC!!!

[siuys]

believed, your situation is surely a difficult one. i cannot fathom it to be honest. i think if it was me i'd move! that aside, in time, you will forgive yourself. you cannot ask for forgiveness from his family, but you can forgive yourself. your MM doesn't sound like he would be clear any time soon. whatever happens, you MUST take care of yourself. kids will always be affected with a D or drama in the family but one must ask oneself, can one stay in a miserable M for others. can i live my life for others. there is something that is keeping him there, be it fear or self doubt, or bond or whatever. whatever the reason, he is still there. his inaction has already told you what you need to know. how old are you may I ask? is he a lot older than you?

 

my family lives 9 hours away - flying that is! so i know what you mean. i've learnt to handle things on my own, and coz my family isn't particularly close, i don't count on them for support unfortunately. luckily i have friends, and myself.

 

hang in there. and yes, NC!!!!!! if you like give me your email address and we can communicate. hang in there.

[silverplanets]

Looking back on it I did have a NC "deal" ... but it was with myself ...

 

The deal being that I owed it to myself to look after myself and hence stay out of their drama ad infinitum.

 

They were free to strike a deal with themselves to sort out their life and then come and find me ... and did indeed try to strike that deal with me, but I refused to enter into it, on two main basis:

 

first - that their word was not their bond (as they had proved) and so any deal was worthless ..

second - this was my future we were talking about, and why should I make a 'deal' on my future with anyone ...

 

Just musings ..:-)

 

C

[siuys]

So true silverplanets. our lives shouldn't be a deal. it's not negotiable. how long ago was your A/R? how long have you been on NC?

[silverplanets]

So true silverplanets. our lives shouldn't be a deal. it's not negotiable. how long ago was your A/R? how long have you been on NC?

 

err .. it's all rather embarassing really ... it all played out over a span of about 13 years really ... but in my defence there were period, such as a particular 5/6 year period, when I had left them completely.

 

I gave so many second chances it got to be a joke ! And at the end of that time she was no more divorced than she was at the start, in reality.

 

NC absolutely now for well over a year ... not been dating, not got involved with anyone else. Just been reflecting, coming to terms with it, learning to love myself again and becoming that wonderful, happy, easy going and appreciative of life and other human beings person that I always was ... and which getting stuck in an A slowly took away.

 

Went to IC for most of the year last year, faced a lot of issues within myself and finally came to terms with things that being in the A distracted me from facing.

 

I am more complete, secure, self aware and humble than I have ever been .. and each day brings even more peace and happiness.

 

be safe

Chris

[fooled once]

Hello everyone, I´m new here with a loong and tiring story going on. I think I have several issues I will need to post about little by little, but for now the NC theme while reading old posts.

 

I can see that I need a total break to recover, and let my MM deal with his unsettled divorce and bond-to-his-family issues. Asking for NC I have in my mind this thought saying: what if I risk that he never ever contacts me again, even if he get´s a divorce? How can I put it so that without humiliating myself, I can transmit that when/if he is free and clear, I would like us to explore the relation starting over again?

 

My MM is much older than I, 64, and he might consider not contacting me again to "save" me from having to stop my life for a much older person.

 

So, I both want and don´t want to be available. Any advice?

 

Thank you!

 

I have no advice for you...but wanted to point you to this thread..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=220970

 

it is about NC and what it means to you.

[h44h]

For whatever it's worth, here was how my NC deal happened....

 

We had NC for a number of days, no deal, he just stopped contacting me. I figured he was done but tried reaching out once but never heard from back. Then one day last week he contacted me and we exchanged several messages, I miss you's, etc. He even went as far to say " I pray to god that I could stop loving you and love my wife as much and in the same way". This tore me up inside and gave me hope!!

 

We agreed to meet after not seeing each other in over a month. It went well in the beginning he answered the questions I'd been dying to know. Like, what's his M has been like since being sort-of found out, how's he feeling about her, us etc. Bottom line, he's not happy in his M but can't leave or tell the truth b/c he can't be w/o his kids.

 

At the end I had to say something and put myself out there like I'd never done before. I had never said the words, leave your wife for me, or anything similar. I wanted him to know and wanted to be able to walk away w/ him knowing how I felt.

In so many words I said we have 3 options.

#1 - NC, no more phishing emails, texts, etc. from him. FYI: he's always the one that initiates contact!!

#2 - we agree to continue the affair as is

#3 - he leaves his wife, we build a life together w/ his kids (part-time). I didn't say it so harshly, obviously. I wasn't looking for an answer, really just wanted him to think about what I'd said, that's all.

He sat in silence for a long while and knew what was coming but couldn't take back what I had said.

His response was: #3 sounds perfect and said a bunch of nice crap that I can't even type out b/c it was all crap.

#2 - won't work either, he can't keep hurting me like that.

#1 is the only way. He said, I have to stop talking to you. We exchanged a few more words, a tearful hug and good-bye and that's it.

 

Even though I gave him NC as an option, I wasn't prepared for him to chose it. Kinda forced NC, but I know it's what's right and I'll do my best to stick to it on my end.

[believed]

SIUYS: My story is complicated, and I´ve just given you the surface. I´m going on to be 38 soon, and I am risking to ruin the most important part of my life, so I need to wake up. The thing is I have no experience with being in an affair, and I am very trusting and protecting if people get under my skin. This man new me from long time ago, and new exactly where my deep holes where. I give everything for other people, and get drained myself. In this story I have tried to juggle around for the best of everyone, of course also "protecting" his family by not interfering, but for sure it has some serious effects. I will make an email and post it to you so we can write.

[believed]

h44h, Thank you for your story! I´m starting to be convinced that if the A doesn´t manage through a NC it is because one of the parts simply will not make a move. Better to know sooner than later. I hope you come out in the other end fresh and with a different perspective of your MM and your future.

[believed]

Silverplanets, So true! I need the NC to be for myself. Get rith of the string attached, that doesn´t seam to be as attached the other way around. I´ve spent the whole night thinking, analyzing, looking for my perspective, and I´m getting there. The facts are what they are: hes not here, he´s with his family. All his actions are done so to protect his final choice, he can easily stay, and he is also preparing to leave if they agree... I´m just stopping my life.

[believed]

fooled once, Living by these "rules" would give me my dignity and integrity back. I will read again and again! In the end a real Man should be able to live up to a woman with these standards, right ? I had them before, it´s scary to see what certain feelings do to you.

[believed]

My email: [email protected]