irc333 Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I saw this profile of a single woman that joined some groups because all her friends have "coupled up" and now don't do squat with her. I was wondering is this normal way of things, how many couples do you know of, that once people couple up, they either 1. Stay home 2. Going out only together to non-nightclub related events, like flea markets, shopping for the house, garage sales, traveling as a couple Is this a common trend? I guess what I'm asking is, how many couples do you know of that STILL hang out with their single friends?
Els Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Well, in the modern world, when you want to put time into something new, something old has to give. (Unless you're very lucky and can choose your work hours or something). So, if you want to spend time with an SO, you will have to sacrifice, to a certain degree, things like friends and hobbies, because they are more flexible than things like work and family obligations. It's pure logic. However, the key is finding balance. Some couples take it waaaay to the extreme - they don't meet anyone else and don't spend any time apart aside from work. Most, I find, manage to strike some sort of a balance - they don't hang out with old friends as MUCH as they used to, but they still hang out, maybe on certain designated nights of the week.
Author irc333 Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Yeah, there's this married couple (been married about 4 years I guess), we're friends with both of them.....one is into a lot of Sci-FI (the husband of course) ME and some of the other guys, hadn't seen him in a while, and we asked him if he'd like to see this new cool flick that came out. And he says, "Nah, my wife's working that night, and she'll be home at around 9pm" (He has regular day hours, she works in the restaurant industry...so she somtimes gets home around 9pm) The movie started at 8pm I couldn't quite make the connection as to what he was meaning. So I said, "Um...so how is that a problem?" He says, "I want to be home when she gets here" And I said, "Um....why?" And he said, "Um, you're not married I take it right?" Nuff said I guess, but you get the point, but I didn't really see the point in him staying home to ...I suppose "Greet" his wife at 9pm at night. What she'll go nuts if he gets home after the movie at around 10pm? LOL They're one of those couples, though, that are always making people sick with their cutsey "kissy kissy, muah muah" photos and posts on each other's walls, so that might have something to do with it. Not sure if that's healthy though....attached at the hip like that. Well, in the modern world, when you want to put time into something new, something old has to give. (Unless you're very lucky and can choose your work hours or something). So, if you want to spend time with an SO, you will have to sacrifice, to a certain degree, things like friends and hobbies, because they are more flexible than things like work and family obligations. It's pure logic. However, the key is finding balance. Some couples take it waaaay to the extreme - they don't meet anyone else and don't spend any time apart aside from work. Most, I find, manage to strike some sort of a balance - they don't hang out with old friends as MUCH as they used to, but they still hang out, maybe on certain designated nights of the week.
Els Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Can't make any judgements from just ONE occurence. Maybe he'd been out with other people (other groups of friends, siblings, colleagues...) for the past several days and had promised his wife that tonight was all hers. Maybe it was her birthday. Or maybe he really is joined at the hip unhealthily. There's no way you or I can know. And frankly, I think it's his own damned business.
Author irc333 Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Actually, I know him well enough to know the rest of the story. He's had other opportunties to hang with us for the past couple of years, and he's blown it off for similar reasons. Eventually we just gave up, and figured he's whipped or just attached at the hip with his wife. They're both rather needy, so I guess they compliment each other. So I can judge based on what I know about them. And plus this post isn't about being in "someone elses business" this is a post about people who are single that become couples. Can't make any judgements from just ONE occurence. Maybe he'd been out with other people (other groups of friends, siblings, colleagues...) for the past several days and had promised his wife that tonight was all hers. Maybe it was her birthday. Or maybe he really is joined at the hip unhealthily. There's no way you or I can know. And frankly, I think it's his own damned business.
Els Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Then he is attached to the hip with his wife. Meh, whatever works for both of them; I would consider it unhealthy for ME to do that, but if he and his wife are happy, who am I to say anything? Regardless, I do not think it is common. Most people I know manage to strike a balance.
phineas Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 To be honest men seem to be better at resolving conflicts between each other & therefore have more friends than the women they couple with. My ex-wife had a few friends when I met her. Most of those just disappeared due to some form of drama or another over the 7 yrs I was with her. I needed a score card to determine who she was friends with that week. I should of seen that red flag. My buddies wives have very few friends also. I don't know why this is. The single women I meet don't do a lot with their female friends either because everything is couples events. It's like the only time single women are invited out with their coupled friends is when they know a single guy will be there also. For guys I'm always invited to couples things like dinner or theater by my guy friends & it really doesn't bother me that i'm the extra wheel & nobody cares. It's different for women. I don't know why.
Eclypse Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Me and my girlfriend are guilty of doing that sometimes. But it's mainly because we both don't like the night club scene (her more than me though) so no real point going out and doing something we don't like. We're much happier spending quality time together. Besides now that I have a girlfriend, there's no more point going to nightclubs and getting wasted
sagetalk Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I I was wondering is this normal way of things, how many couples do you know of, that once people couple up, they either 1. Stay home 2. Going out only together to non-nightclub related events, like flea markets, shopping for the house, garage sales, traveling as a couple I'd say 9 out of 10 couples do this. Good luck getting them to admit though.
Els Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I'd say 9 out of 10 couples do this. Good luck getting them to admit though. Do only 1/10th of your coupled friends hang out with you at all?
Author irc333 Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Me and my girlfriend are guilty of doing that sometimes. But it's mainly because we both don't like the night club scene (her more than me though) so no real point going out and doing something we don't like. We're much happier spending quality time together. Besides now that I have a girlfriend, there's no more point going to nightclubs and getting wasted Yeah, you can go bike riding, shopping, flea markets, traveling, the beach all together, etc etc together. Even nightclubs aren't even favored by some single people either. <shrug> And of course there's the issue of the married person STILL wanting to hit the nightclubs , but that's an entirely different post altogether.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I've always been a bit of a home-body, and maybe moreso while in a relationship. But my boyfriend works a ton so I can go out with my friends while he's working, and spend what little time he has off with him. :]
Seamless74 Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I think its just the nature of things.. I dont really thinks its a bad idea.. hanging out with married people of people in relationships is a bit of a bore anyway.. Plus ive gotten older beers with the boys has gotten pretty lame as well..
Disillusioned Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 What else would you expect? Unless you're a Hollywood A-lister who can afford butlers, maids, and nannies, being one half of a committed couple means you generally can't go out and behave like an irresponsible teenager. It baffles me how many of my divorced friends didn't realize that until it was too late. If you want to party on, avoid commitment. But then again, I got tired of the bars/parties years before I figured out how to meet the kinds of women who interest me...
Woggle Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Not me but a alot of married men I know have simply stopped doing the things they did when they were single. The men I used to know just got lost in the sea of marriage.
LittleTiger Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 My parents have been married nearly 50 years and all their socialising has been done together in all that time - at least 99% of it anyway. Neither of them were ever party animals anyway, even before they met. I always thought it was normal - and they're still together and still love each other after all this time. Doesn't sound unhealthy to me.
Woggle Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 If that is what they enjoy then okay but I need my time alone and with the guys and my wife needs the same. We love each other dearly but it is good to have a balanced life.
LittleTiger Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 It's interesting that everybody is talking about balance as though that means your life should somehow involve a bit of everything otherwise it's not 'healthy' ie life partnership/marriage plus separate friendships, plus hobbies, plus work, etc etc Surely 'balance' is different for everyone. Some people don't enjoy parties and socialising and prefer to spend time alone, some people don't want a long term relationship and choose to remain single all their lives, some people don't even bother to date. Some people like sports and/or the outdoors, others are intellectuals who read academic books for fun, some people have high flying careers, others are stay at home Mum's who sacrifice their career and freedom for their children or their partner's career. We're all so massively different from one another, to say there's something wrong with people who are homebodies seems a little judgemental to me. If one of your old mates has little time for you when they meet that special person, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Tough on you perhaps, but it's their choice. Things change and people move on. We all have our own idea of 'balance'. I say 'live and let live'.
Woggle Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 If that is what they choose then more power to them but more often I think it is to keep the peace at home.
LittleTiger Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 If that is what they choose then more power to them but more often I think it is to keep the peace at home. If you mean staying home with your spouse and not going out just to keep the peace then no, definitely not in my parents' case. When they were younger, if they went out, they went out together. Some people really do want to be with their partner for 99% of the time. Other than one short fishing trip which my Dad did alone (because Mum was unable to go with him) they have been together every day since the day they met. I'm very similar to them in that respect. I would rather stay home alone than go out with friends. I do go out, of course, and I have a great time when I do, but a 'party animal' I am not and never will be. I would never stop my partner going out, but 99% of the time he prefers to be with me. When we eventually get to live together we're planning to set up a joint business so we can be together all day too. The only thing we really want to do on our own is our sports training. Most of my friends think the same way about time with their partners. People choose to spend their lives with someone and generally end up spending all day separated from them while at least one, and often both, are out at work. There are just a few hours 'free' time in the evening, if you're lucky and, apart from weekends, the rest of the time you're asleep. In my opinion, there isn't time to nurture your relationship and keep up the same social circle as you may have had when you're single. As I said, we're all different. My parents' have both led a very balanced life, it just didn't include going out at night with separate friends.
Knittress Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I'm kind of the other way around - I'm a single girl that would rather be out estate sale-ing or doing craft night with my married friends than finding single men in a bar/club. That being said, my ex was very attached-at-the-hip and it definitely bugged me. I wouldn't be one of those "I have to be sitting around to wait for so-and-so to get off work" types, but he sure was! Many of my friends are this way too, and as they all slip into serious relationships while I choose to remain single I notice I get excluded from more and more couples outings. It's almost like I have to sleep with someone just to have company anymore! ::shakes head::
Woggle Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I posted that one thread about my friend who came over to take a dip in the pool and his wife knocked on the door screaming at him. Most of my friends no longer want to do guy things because they will have to deal with that. Their wives and girlfriends resent them having any time whatsoever to themselves. Of course I have friends who are with women who let them have freedom and they are the happy marriages I know.
Els Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 If that is what they enjoy then okay but I need my time alone and with the guys and my wife needs the same. We love each other dearly but it is good to have a balanced life. My parents have been married nearly 50 years and all their socialising has been done together in all that time - at least 99% of it anyway. Neither of them were ever party animals anyway, even before they met. I always thought it was normal - and they're still together and still love each other after all this time. Doesn't sound unhealthy to me. I think the issue in the OP's post (taking it at face value) is that couples only go out with each other and don't involve any other friends in their outings even. Which means they don't see their friends at all, regardless of whether they see them together or separately. I feel that that is quite unbalanced, because you do need to see other people outside work, although I also feel there's nothing wrong with seeing them together instead of separately.
lso802 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 True. I'm not even coupled yet. I used to be PO'ed at my buddies, when it happened to them. Now I understand.
Stung Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I was wondering is this normal way of things, how many couples do you know of, that once people couple up, they either 1. Stay home 2. Going out only together to non-nightclub related events, like flea markets, shopping for the house, garage sales, traveling as a couple Is this a common trend? I guess what I'm asking is, how many couples do you know of that STILL hang out with their single friends? That made me laugh. There's kind of a lot of middle ground between only going to garage sales and going out to nightclubs, IMO. I haven't been into the nightclub scene in years, even when I was single--I was burned out on that scene by the time I was 25. When we were coupled and living together my now-H and I used to go out to jazz clubs/ blues bars/ pubs at night all the time when we didn't have my SD--sometimes just with each other, sometimes with various friends. NOW we don't do late-night stuff much, but that's because we have a baby, not because we're married. I guess we do go to flea markets or shopping for the house a few times a year. We try to travel or go camping a few times a year too. Mostly we go hiking, out to dinner/to dinner parties, to the beach or the woods, to movies and museums/art galleries. Sometimes we go to horse races, wine tasting, microbrew pubs--obviously we go to a lot of kid-oriented stuff too, circuses and fairs and picnics. We still see live music sometimes, and we occasionally go to steampunk or sci fi conventions. Mostly we do all that either just ourselves or with other couples, but that's because most of our friends/family are coupled up. We still have some single friends and they're invited to anything our couple friends are invited to. I spend more one-on-one time with my single friends, because as it happens they don't have kids and so their schedules tend to be more flexible. We do spend more time just with each other and our family than out with our friends. My husband works long hours and so he tries to schedule his friends in for lunches so he can come home and see his family most evenings--I mean, we did get married for a reason, we love each other and like spending time together. However he also goes out for dinner/a few beers or for a game night with the guys a few times per month. It's harder for me to get out from under the baby so I get less time out alone with my friends than he does which kind of sucks for me, but he is good about trying to keep that dynamic in some balance and I do manage to go out once or twice a month. The last two times I went out sans husband/family I was with single friends both times. Yeah, there's this married couple (been married about 4 years I guess), we're friends with both of them.....one is into a lot of Sci-FI (the husband of course) . Sci-fi TV shows like Farscape, Battlestar Galactica, The X-Files and Firefly all had large female fan bases...so do Dr. Who and Torchwood and Fringe. Sci-fi conventions actually have a fair number of women at them, and classic Star Trek was actually saved from being pulled off the air after it's first season because of all the women who wrote to the network. Sci-fi and paranormal 'chick lit,' btw, is booming.
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