Author myname Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Hi everyone Thanks for all your comments, advice and support. Just to update, he's calmed down but then that's probably because I have stepped back from completely no contact since this, and have been taking his calls, responding to his mails etc. In a few days time it will be a month since actually seeing him though. He's talking about coming along to the works xmas party which I am a little concerned about. I can't stop him coming, he's got work connections here and is entitled to come along, but I'm a bit worried if he gets himself in a state and then comes along, and I'm thinking I don't want to have to deal with him there. Maybe I'm worrying about something that won't even happen.
greengoddess Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Why are you talking to him? You are giving him hope. He will escalate again.
Author myname Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Why are you talking to him? You are giving him hope. He will escalate again. I don't know, I thought I was trying to not let things get bitter and nasty initially, but how much of it is my desire for validation or contact? It's already affecting me, getting caught back into it even without seeing him, this is going to be really hard. I struggle with the no contact anyway cos I had so many hopes for some kind of future and no contact leaves me feeling like I've got nothing. And then he isn't making no contact easy cos he is contacting and now I'm responding too. It's a mess.
greengoddess Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I don't know, I thought I was trying to not let things get bitter and nasty initially, but how much of it is my desire for validation or contact? It's already affecting me, getting caught back into it even without seeing him, this is going to be really hard. I struggle with the no contact anyway cos I had so many hopes for some kind of future and no contact leaves me feeling like I've got nothing. And then he isn't making no contact easy cos he is contacting and now I'm responding too. It's a mess. Do you really want a future with someone who would resort to threats to see you?
Author myname Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Do you really want a future with someone who would resort to threats to see you? No, looked at like that, I wouldn't want to be with someone who uses threats in any situation. I start to forget what's been happening and what I know when I get back into conversation with him again. It's like I start to lose myself when I'm back involved in it all again, lose my sense of what I want.
greengoddess Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 No, looked at like that, I wouldn't want to be with someone who uses threats in any situation. I start to forget what's been happening and what I know when I get back into conversation with him again. It's like I start to lose myself when I'm back involved in it all again, lose my sense of what I want. change all your contact info so you are not tempted.
Author myname Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 change all your contact info so you are not tempted. Easier said than done, and that won't stop the fact that he can come to my workplace anytime, and the reason I was in any contact at all just recently was to stop him just turning up at my workplace.
greengoddess Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Easier said than done, and that won't stop the fact that he can come to my workplace anytime, and the reason I was in any contact at all just recently was to stop him just turning up at my workplace. Talk to your employers. Tll them you are afraid of him and he won't take no for an answer.
Silly_Girl Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Talk to your employers. Tll them you are afraid of him and he won't take no for an answer. I'd think very hard before doing that though, myname. Once it's said, it can't be unsaid so you have to be sure it's the right thing for you, overall.
Author myname Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 I'd think very hard before doing that though, myname. Once it's said, it can't be unsaid so you have to be sure it's the right thing for you, overall. Yes, I agree here, talking to my employer about this is something I would prefer to avoid.
greengoddess Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I'd think very hard before doing that though, myname. Once it's said, it can't be unsaid so you have to be sure it's the right thing for you, overall. Affairs are so messy aren't they? If he wasn't married and was acting like this and would not take no you would go to your employer in a heartbeat.
Author myname Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 Affairs are so messy aren't they? If he wasn't married and was acting like this and would not take no you would go to your employer in a heartbeat. I'm not sure I would go to my employer, but maybe that's got a lot to do with my employer, small office, no hr structure, etc. At this stage I would probably try to deal with it myself if I'd finished with someone who was not accepting it and behaving badly initially. If that behaviour carried on or escalated I would more likely go to the police than my employer.
Silly_Girl Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Affairs are so messy aren't they? If he wasn't married and was acting like this and would not take no you would go to your employer in a heartbeat. Oh my god! That's so not true! My crazy-ex, in the darkest days, was sat outside in the work car park, phoning me on my DDI making threats against me, and about coming in and kicking off in reception etc. It's NOTHING to do with marital status. It's about your reputation at work, your own personal privacy, the relationship you have (or don't) with your HR/boss, the culture in the organisation. And more. It's not because he's married.
greengoddess Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Oh my god! That's so not true! My crazy-ex, in the darkest days, was sat outside in the work car park, phoning me on my DDI making threats against me, and about coming in and kicking off in reception etc. It's NOTHING to do with marital status. It's about your reputation at work, your own personal privacy, the relationship you have (or don't) with your HR/boss, the culture in the organisation. And more. It's not because he's married. and you would want to protect that reputation by giving your work a heads up that a crazy dude you made the mistake of dating is stalking you. That way a scene in work can be prevented. It's a little more difficult when the crazy dude you were dating is married.
Silly_Girl Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 and you would want to protect that reputation by giving your work a heads up that a crazy dude you made the mistake of dating is stalking you. That way a scene in work can be prevented. It's a little more difficult when the crazy dude you were dating is married. A scene in work can be PREVENTED by telling people it's going to/might happen? Uh. Okay... not sure how? And why is it more difficult when he's married? It's harrassment or it's not. The problem is gg, you're so obsessed with his marital status you can't see past it, so your advice is skewed by that and not the position myname is actually in, with regards her JOB.
Author myname Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 and you would want to protect that reputation by giving your work a heads up that a crazy dude you made the mistake of dating is stalking you. That way a scene in work can be prevented. It's a little more difficult when the crazy dude you were dating is married. They can't necessarily prevent a scene at work, even if given warning. Anyway in my situation it's more to do with the fact he also has work connections here than that he is married that makes me not want to inform my colleagues. And it's looking unlikely that he's going to actually do anything other than turn up to a xmas works drinks for an hour maybe.
greengoddess Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 They can't necessarily prevent a scene at work, even if given warning. Anyway in my situation it's more to do with the fact he also has work connections here than that he is married that makes me not want to inform my colleagues. And it's looking unlikely that he's going to actually do anything other than turn up to a xmas works drinks for an hour maybe. myname that's because you are leading him on. He thinks he has a chance with you again. What happens when he realizes he doesn't?
greengoddess Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 A scene in work can be PREVENTED by telling people it's going to/might happen? Uh. Okay... not sure how? And why is it more difficult when he's married? It's harrassment or it's not. The problem is gg, you're so obsessed with his marital status you can't see past it, so your advice is skewed by that and not the position myname is actually in, with regards her JOB. :laugh: Are you serious? You really don't think the fact that the dude is married has an affect on HER reputation? You really don't think that makes discussing the harrassment caused from her dumping a MARRIED MAN more difficult. No I am not obsessed. You have blinders on over how people feel about women who "date" married men. myname you really need to prevent a scene at that holiday party. It is extremely important and if telling of the harrasment can accomplish that you may want to think about it.
Silly_Girl Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 :laugh: Are you serious? You really don't think the fact that the dude is married has an affect on HER reputation? You really don't think that makes discussing the harrassment caused from her dumping a MARRIED MAN more difficult. No I am not obsessed. You have blinders on over how people feel about women who "date" married men. You suggested that if this guy was NOT married she'd run to HR fast as lightning. I'm disagreeing and saying that raising matters like this with HR or a boss is a wider issue and is not purely about the marital status of the other person.
Author myname Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 myname that's because you are leading him on. He thinks he has a chance with you again. What happens when he realizes he doesn't? I don't know, you'd think maybe he'd just go home to his wife wouldn't you? Damn, maybe I should start stalking him, sitting across the road from his house in my balaclava... it could be quite good fun.
greengoddess Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I don't know, you'd think maybe he'd just go home to his wife wouldn't you? Damn, maybe I should start stalking him, sitting across the road from his house in my balaclava... it could be quite good fun. :laugh: I think that might work. Make him think you went psycho.
Author myname Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 :laugh: Are you serious? You really don't think the fact that the dude is married has an affect on HER reputation? You really don't think that makes discussing the harrassment caused from her dumping a MARRIED MAN more difficult. No I am not obsessed. You have blinders on over how people feel about women who "date" married men. myname you really need to prevent a scene at that holiday party. It is extremely important and if telling of the harrasment can accomplish that you may want to think about it. I am well aware of how judgemental people can be over women who 'date' married men, and yes that does make me not want to have it splashed about at work, that's true. But also I don't think my workplace would be able to do much to help even if he wasn't married and so wouldn't be telling them either way. There's more likely to be a scene at the xmas party if I do tell people, cos they'll have an attitude when he comes in, he'll notice that, and hence more likely to have a bad attitude himself. He's currently more likely to behave as the situation stands.
Author myname Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 :laugh: I think that might work. Make him think you went psycho. yeah, And it's so much fun to think about too!
BB07 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Affairs are so messy aren't they? If he wasn't married and was acting like this and would not take no you would go to your employer in a heartbeat. Sometimes I just don't get you gg, you often times take a dig at someone just because you can and to drive your point home. That he is married is not the biggest issue here and I completely understand why she might not want to take it higher, married or not.
jj33 Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Hi everyone He's talking about coming along to the works xmas party which I am a little concerned about. I can't stop him coming, he's got work connections here and is entitled to come along, but I'm a bit worried if he gets himself in a state and then comes along, and I'm thinking I don't want to have to deal with him there. Maybe I'm worrying about something that won't even happen. Its a free country. If he wants to come to the party he can and yes you will have to suck it up unless you decide not to go or to go and only stay for a short period of time. If he corners you just excuse yourself. Dont let him get you alone or walk off anywhere with him to talk. That evening is neither the time nor the place. If your only concern is that he may show up and you will be uncomfortable thats certainly not harrasment. If you are afraid he will make a scene, just back away if he starts up and again dont try to engage him at the party. Say hello and go off and talk to others. Under no circumstances should you go to your employer. Single or not, no ER wants to hear it. HR is an employers department to deal with its issues. Dont be an issue. And if he does say been there done that, just laugh and say where was I? or really must have missed that. Noone caught you in the act you have plausible deniability. None of their business
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