veiled threats - I don't know

[myname]

yeah but you know now that the words of an xMM/MM are worthless.

He's still persisting.

 

 

I understand where you're coming from, but if you approach her in a way that's telling her that you DON'T want anything to do with her husband but he's harassing you, then maybe she wont be as bitter towards you.

 

And if she gets involved, at least that would get him out of your hair as he's trying to do damage control with her.

 

I just don't want to see you get more hurt and being blackmailed and bullied is the worst thing you can ever put up with. I truly hope that you don't.

 

I see this, and it is feeling dangerous for me. I will keep in mind that approaching her might be an option I have to consider, and so will keep evidence of what he's doing now, just in case.

[You Go Girl]

Normally I don't condone threats, but this is your career. Tell him point blank to cut it out or you are going to tell all the sordid details to his wife.

He is not in control here. Humble him, and if necessary, humiliate him.

[jennie-jennie]

That does make sense, and I can understand, but it is the threats that really threw me and I am feeling like I'm going to have be careful now to keep him on side. Right now it's coming across as he won't tell about our little secret as long as our little secret still exists.

 

I understand the threats really threw you. It's the same mechanism at work I believe as the OW's urge to tell the BS when the MM ends the relationship. It's desperation, it does not mean he/she is going to follow through.

 

Just stand firm. Much is won by not being (at least outwardly) affected by threats. They often fall empty to the ground.

Edited November 25, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[spice4life]

Wow, this situation totally stinks! Isn't blackmail against the law? Do you have any of these threatening conversations in email or text? If so, keep them just in case he continues to threaten you. Or better yet, if you don't have them in email, start a conversation about in text that gets him to admit threatening you and save it. This way if he decides to make matters worse for you there will be evidence.

 

Then, you should just try to avoid being alone with him. Make it like you are super busy and don't have time. Hopefully he will eventually get the message and stop. If he escalates his threats, pull out the email and say you will expose him if he continues to threaten you.

 

Gosh, so sorry you are going through this. Usually these MM's are the total opposite - they are more worried about the OW outing them! I have to say, this is a first. I've never seen a story like this one before. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[myname]

I understand the threats really threw you. It's the same mechanism at work I believe as the OW's urge to tell the BS when the MM ends the relationship. It's desperation, it does not mean he is going to follow through.

 

Just stand firm. Much is won by not being affected by threats. They often fall empty to the ground.

 

Thanks JJ, I think you could be right, he's throwing his toys about and having a strop, I did a similar thing myself and felt all the rush of wanting to destroy, threaten, etc apart from I was at home on my own and had a good punch of my cushions, posted on here, and didn't verbalise my pain to him.

 

So I'll give him a bit of time and space to get over this stage and calm down and not change what I'm doing or give in or over react myself.

[myname]

Normally I don't condone threats, but this is your career. Tell him point blank to cut it out or you are going to tell all the sordid details to his wife.

He is not in control here. Humble him, and if necessary, humiliate him.

 

When people aren't in control, that's when they are most dangerous though. I'm not going to humiliate him at this stage, but I am going to keep the evidence of his threats so far.

[jennie-jennie]

Someone who truly loved you would not do something like this to you, no matter how much he's hurting (if he's hurting). And you should never be afraid of someone you love.

 

Not true. Someone who truly loves you can in his/her desperation be tempted to use any means to keep you or make you hurt like he/she is hurting.

[myname]

Wow, this situation totally stinks! Isn't blackmail against the law? Do you have any of these threatening conversations in email or text? If so, keep them just in case he continues to threaten you. Or better yet, if you don't have them in email, start a conversation about in text that gets him to admit threatening you and save it. This way if he decides to make matters worse for you there will be evidence.

 

Then, you should just try to avoid being alone with him. Make it like you are super busy and don't have time. Hopefully he will eventually get the message and stop. If he escalates his threats, pull out the email and say you will expose him if he continues to threaten you.

 

Gosh, so sorry you are going through this. Usually these MM's are the total opposite - they are more worried about the OW outing them! I have to say, this is a first. I've never seen a story like this one before. Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

I've got all the emails, and it should be quite easy to not be alone with him, cos he can barely move out of his front room due to how suspicious his wife is of him these days.

 

Yeah, he does seem unworried about me outing him, partly that could be because he's been caught out so many times at home that maybe he thinks it couldn't get worse, and partly because I have always been straight forward with him and never made any threats in that direction.

[Carrot2000]

Not true. Someone who truly loves you can in his/her desperation be tempted to use any means to keep you or make you hurt like he/she is hurting.

 

Perhaps, but if that's how some people show love, I don't want any part of it. Wanting someone to hurt because you're hurting is one thing, but actually acting on it is something else entirely. People have lost their lives because their partners who "loved" them were hurting and desperate...

[JustWannaStop]

So, the no contact has stopped, and I don't really know how I am going to manage to implement it properly, because MM has started making sort of threats to tell people at work about us. He is freelance, so he's not in the office hardly ever, while I am here every day.

 

He's been saying things that show he's feeling bitter about us stopping, and suggesting that he somehow wants to ensure that he is not brushed aside from my life. Oh god, it seems so unfair, cos he's the one staying married. Of course then he'll go on about how his marriage is a mess, they don't get on, don't have sex etc, and his wife knows about his involvement with me and that'll never not be an issue in their marriage now...

 

Actually seeing this behaviour from him is good because it's making me go off him, but it's also making me scared of what he might do. And just this morning he's already emailed a few people at work ccing me in and mostly it's just work but there's an aside about getting demands from me that's coming a bit close to uncomfortable.

 

How am I going to defuse this situation?

 

Hi myname. If he does tell people, would they believe you if you denied it? Maybe tell them he made a pass at you and you rejected him? I don't know. It's probably best you don't say that actually. I would just deny it. He'll end up looking like the fool.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. I too am involved with a MM from work. Everyone knows and it's kind of embarassing cuz I'm seen as a homewrecker (which I guess I am ) I have a new job lined up so I can start over and not repeat the same mistake.

Good luck to you.

[spice4life]

I've got all the emails, and it should be quite easy to not be alone with him, cos he can barely move out of his front room due to how suspicious his wife is of him these days.

 

Yeah, he does seem unworried about me outing him, partly that could be because he's been caught out so many times at home that maybe he thinks it couldn't get worse, and partly because I have always been straight forward with him and never made any threats in that direction.

 

Good. Hold onto them as if they are gold. Threatening someone looks worse in other peoples eyes than someone making a bad choice by getting involved in an A. People make mistakes and learn from them, so it would be easy to prove you have learned a lesson. Threatening someone, however, speaks about the person's character and others would view it as a serious flaw. I would anyway. It reveals a darkside of that person and would make others steer clear of them.

 

Protect yourself and don't worry, karma has a way of working situations like this out when the time is right.

Edited November 25, 2010 by spice4life

[jj33]

You are smart myname. Dont go to HR. It solves nothing.

 

I found that the best way to keep xMM on side was to be very nice and to flatter him. I flattered him through a 15 pound weight gain. It was draining and after awhile I couldnt do it any more and it all broke down.

 

But when I could remember that he was "the king" (you know the old oh baby youre the best youre the king) it worked. And when he misconstrued my ingratiating behavior I explained (more times than I should have had to) that I loved him too much to settle for a part of him, and couldnt go back to the A. FLATTERY. it was true but it was also very flattering to him.

 

However hot the sex may be, however frequently some people will want to say that OWs are often just a piece on the side, its rare that one woman is THAT talented. Its the bonding and connection that he will miss. He will miss you.

 

So if you are worried about keeping him on side just be super nice to him. When he says lets xyz say I cant. And be honest. (what a novel concept)

I cant beleive he is that much of a jerk that he will say no if you dont sleep with me i will tell everyone.

 

ANd if he is that much of a jerk and he tells people. So what? Just say really? thats interesting where was I? Give the impression that he tried but you shot him down. That will fix him.

[myname]

You are smart myname. Dont go to HR. It solves nothing.

 

I found that the best way to keep xMM on side was to be very nice and to flatter him. I flattered him through a 15 pound weight gain. It was draining and after awhile I couldnt do it any more and it all broke down.

 

But when I could remember that he was "the king" (you know the old oh baby youre the best youre the king) it worked. And when he misconstrued my ingratiating behavior I explained (more times than I should have had to) that I loved him too much to settle for a part of him, and couldnt go back to the A. FLATTERY. it was true but it was also very flattering to him.

 

However hot the sex may be, however frequently some people will want to say that OWs are often just a piece on the side, its rare that one woman is THAT talented. Its the bonding and connection that he will miss. He will miss you.

 

So if you are worried about keeping him on side just be super nice to him. When he says lets xyz say I cant. And be honest. (what a novel concept)

I cant beleive he is that much of a jerk that he will say no if you dont sleep with me i will tell everyone.

 

ANd if he is that much of a jerk and he tells people. So what? Just say really? thats interesting where was I? Give the impression that he tried but you shot him down. That will fix him.

 

yeah, good plan, best not to poke a grumpy bear with a stick, instead throw it some honey!

 

I have been fair and pleasant to him to him today and had phone calls, but have kept with not starting up the affair again.

 

He seems calmer, and has apologised for the threats, and said he doesn't actually really want to do me harm and will respect my wishes and won't carry out any of the things he was suggesting.

 

Phew, for now!

[jennie-jennie]

yeah, good plan, best not to poke a grumpy bear with a stick, instead throw it some honey!

 

I have been fair and pleasant to him to him today and had phone calls, but have kept with not starting up the affair again.

 

He seems calmer, and has apologised for the threats, and said he doesn't actually really want to do me harm and will respect my wishes and won't carry out any of the things he was suggesting.

 

Phew, for now!

 

That sounds really good, myname, and actually is what could be expected. Good for you for being steadfast!

[myname]

That sounds really good, myname, and actually is what could be expected. Good for you for being steadfast!

 

Thanks, and thanks to everyone who replied to this thread, it really helped me to be able to post here and take a step back before dealing with this.

[jj33]

Im really glad it is getting better. Its so hard when you are in the thick of it. He misses you Im sure and everyone copes differently. I remember thinking that when I was calm about it but sometimes I would just get upset with him and it made things worse. Whenver I am able to be kind and compassionate (i was being a bit facetious when I said youre the king) it works best.

 

People say if he didnt leave he really didnt love you but I know first hand that is not true. It hurts them too very deeply sometimes.

 

People dont always cope with losing what I have heard referred to as the "sunshine" in their lives well even if the situation is such that the relationshp cant continue or they have made choices that make it tricky to continue the relationship. It hurts when someone you love acts out aggressively. But you are dealing with it really well.

 

Hang in there.

[myname]

Im really glad it is getting better. Its so hard when you are in the thick of it. He misses you Im sure and everyone copes differently. I remember thinking that when I was calm about it but sometimes I would just get upset with him and it made things worse. Whenver I am able to be kind and compassionate (i was being a bit facetious when I said youre the king) it works best.

 

People say if he didnt leave he really didnt love you but I know first hand that is not true. It hurts them too very deeply sometimes.

 

People dont always cope with losing what I have heard referred to as the "sunshine" in their lives well even if the situation is such that the relationshp cant continue or they have made choices that make it tricky to continue the relationship. It hurts when someone you love acts out aggressively. But you are dealing with it really well.

 

Hang in there.

 

Thanks, in some ways this has made me feel calmer and more understanding of the situation, not so hung up about his marriage, not so jealous and bitter myself, not so feeling I had been destroyed by the affair.

 

I feel more able to think of it as a relationship that just couldn't work out but there's no need to make things more painful for either of us, hopefully he'll be able to get to that thought too.

[phillyfan]

So, the no contact has stopped, and I don't really know how I am going to manage to implement it properly, because MM has started making sort of threats to tell people at work about us. He is freelance, so he's not in the office hardly ever, while I am here every day.

 

He's been saying things that show he's feeling bitter about us stopping, and suggesting that he somehow wants to ensure that he is not brushed aside from my life. Oh god, it seems so unfair, cos he's the one staying married. Of course then he'll go on about how his marriage is a mess, they don't get on, don't have sex etc, and his wife knows about his involvement with me and that'll never not be an issue in their marriage now...

 

Actually seeing this behaviour from him is good because it's making me go off him, but it's also making me scared of what he might do. And just this morning he's already emailed a few people at work ccing me in and mostly it's just work but there's an aside about getting demands from me that's coming a bit close to uncomfortable.

 

How am I going to defuse this situation?

 

Simple. Tell him to F*CK OFF.

[myname]

Simple. Tell him to F*CK OFF.

 

Was tempting, but as for defusing I'm glad I didn't give in to temptation! If only I hadn't given into the temptation of kissing him in the first place.

[fooled once]

I certainly got to a stage where I was sure he wasn't going to leave the marriage, the reasons for not became irrelevant. I did believe he loved me, but I was spending too much time on my own, worrying about him getting caught out at home again and having to go through all that fallout again, and getting irritated by the lack of any future.

 

I really tried to be gentle with him about stopping things, when he started up the contact again I did respond kindly but firmly, but he's not letting it go easy at all. He's pretty much said now that while we both still work at the same place he'll need to still see me as we have done.

 

So he is saying unless you continue the affair, he is going to tell everyone in your small office that you are having an affair?

 

As much as you might like to think they don't already know, they probably do.

 

I find his behavior horrible and shows his character. Yuck

 

No, you do not and don't use this as an excuse to stay in a relationship that is not giving you what you want.

 

1. He's freelance, so actually he's the one who is most at risk. If he's causing problems in the workplace, he can be let go at a moment's notice. Remind him of this.

 

2. You took a chance by having an affair with a married colleague and now you have to deal with the consequences, one of which is that he may ruin your professional reputation. I think you're going to have to swallow your pride and talk to your boss about what's happening. If you out yourself, this man will have no power over you and can't hold anything over your head. Sure, it may cause trouble and co-workers may lose respect for you, but it will pass. Myname, you can't run from this and you can't take the easy way out just because it preserves your image. You gotta take your lumps and keep movin'.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

I agree

 

You're right myname, that is CRAZY!!

 

I would suggest that if he threatens you again to simply say to him

"You threatening me, is certainly making me see you in a different light. I had love for you and I truly believed that you felt the same - but threatening to try to ruin my reputation at work is not loving in any way. You can't possibly realistically expect us to be together if you're treating me like that and trying to bully me into being with you - its such a shame that its all come to this"

 

I would suggest that you say that in the most calm, tone of voice ever, just make it sound like its truly the SAD realization that you're coming to with regards to how he's acting.

 

THEN...

If he dares threaten you again - I suggest that you go straight to his wife and show her the emails and show her whatever texts, messages, etc that he's sent to you.

 

DON"T threaten him and tell him that you'll be doing that if he doesn't stop.

You go right ahead and do it. Don't give him time to think of how he's going to stop you. Don't give him warning, don't do any of that crap - see that was his mistake, he's made his threats and gave you plenty of time to think about your options and what you could do to cover your azz.

Don't give him that same luxury.

 

I really do hope that you don't let him bully you into carrying on anymore with him. If you let someone blackmail you, they'll own your a$$ forever!!

 

be smarter than him.

 

try to talk to him and just tell him frankly that he can't make you love him by bullying you and that his threats certainly don't illustrate love.

 

Then if he does it again, simply f**k up his world without a hint of warning.

 

Then go to your boss and show him the messages and his threats and tell him that he makes you very uncomfortable.

 

Don't feel sorry for a piece of trash that chose his path in life and is trying to bully you into being his bit on the side.

 

Show that douche who's smarter!

 

good luck to you

 

p.s. you don't have to take my advice - its just what I would do if it ever came down to that - I'd f**k up his world if I was ever threatened.

 

 

Great advice - GREAT advice.

 

I fail to get why you need to bend over and take this type of threatening behavior. Once again, you are allowing HIM to control YOU. Now you have to be sickening sweet to him, flirt with him, stroke his ego? HE IS A BULLY - and this is why bullies continue to get away with their horrendous behavior because no one is willing to stand up to them and call their bluff

 

Tell him you would be happy to gather the people in the office together and tell them of the affair and how you ended it and how he is now threatening to cause more harm to your reputation or possibly get you fired.

 

Be very careful - many many workplaces frown on this type of behavior and they could get rid of both of you. Workplace affairs tend to affect co-workers, managers and the business of the company. This is a prime example.

 

Better you out yourself than letting him do it. If he does it, it will be out of anger and there's no telling how he will spin the story to make you look bad. He may retaliate, but as long as he does not physically harm you or your property don't worry about it too much. If he is capable of harming you, you need to get law enforcement involved.

 

Someone who truly loved you would not do something like this to you, no matter how much he's hurting (if he's hurting). And you should never be afraid of someone you love.

 

Totally agree - if he truly loved you, he would wish you well (since he has no plans to leave his wife, is a serial cheater and has the morals of a rat). People who love you want the best for you - even if your relationship doesn't work.

 

If he continues to harass you, I would let him know you will contact the police. I still think contacting his wife and telling her he is continuing to pursue you might get him to back off. If he doesn't - you cannot continue to let him blackmail you. It is completely wrong.

[phillyfan]

U know that guy is a bully, I wouldnt stand for a guy threatenin a sweet girl that I worked with. Tell some guy at the office that u guys had a brief fling that u ended and now he is sendin u crazy msgs, and theyll soon sort him out for you

[You Go Girl]

When people aren't in control, that's when they are most dangerous though. I'm not going to humiliate him at this stage, but I am going to keep the evidence of his threats so far.

 

You are reacting out of fear. He can smell it.

Be careful being the passive one, it could backfire.

Watch the eyes of your coworkers. If he is saying things behind your back, you will see it in their eyes.

[myname]

You are reacting out of fear. He can smell it.

Be careful being the passive one, it could backfire.

Watch the eyes of your coworkers. If he is saying things behind your back, you will see it in their eyes.

 

I was fearful, but I'm less so now. I've realised that he will do himself more harm than me if he carries out his threats, the worst I'll have to deal with is a bit of uncomfort in the office, it's just I'd rather not have people know cos I'm ashamed of it, but that's it. And I've told him that and he acknowledges it and knows that he'd be burning all his bridges to me if he did that. And he doesn't want to do that, so right now I'm feeling quite relaxed about it, I owe him nothing, and am not feeling desperate to see him which I was before this, he's easy to keep at a distance cos suspicion at home makes it hard for him to get out to see me. I'll take his calls to keep an eye on what he's up to, but this has actually helped me to feel less caught up with him, cos I don't want to be pushed around like that.

[Breezy Trousers]

Yeah, I agree that he's a bully! I don't see his behavior as a reflection of love for you. I see it as selfish and potentially abusive.

 

Attachment is not the same thing as love. People who lack empathy for others -- i.e, people with personality disorders -- can always attach and have hot sex but still lack empathy and thus cannot truly love or bond. When men murder their wives, for example, it isn't about them "loving" the wife too much --- clearly, it's about wanting to maintain attachment and control over them. Love is caring, compassion and empathy toward others. Attachment is essentially selfish dark rot.

 

If he truly loved you, he wouldn't do this to you. I agree with those who say that his behavior is a reflection of his (immature) character. In addition, I would be concerned with his poor impulse control in view of the risks he is taking with you at the workplace. If he's so invested in having control over you -- to the point that he's less invested in preserving his own reputation and livelihood -- there's a darker issue at hand. Yes, he wants your attention -- affairs are all about "pay attention to me, me, me!!" -- and at this point maybe he thinks negative attention is better than no attention at all. I just hope he catches himself and doesn't cross the line.

 

You're the better judge of this. You've received great advice, but your intuition will continue to guide you out.

 

BTW, I've had two "crazies" target me with gossip at the workplace over the past 20 years on two different occasions. (If you work long enough with many people, it's bound to happen.) I didn't react in either instance, though it was terribly, awfully hard not to. In each instance, something told me they would end up exposing themselves to everyone. And my intuition was right. Both women both ended up "hanging" themselves at work, in other circumstances, within a month to a year of trying to hurt me, and both were forced to leave the respective workplaces while I stayed on with a solid reputation .... Hold your head up, walk with dignity, humility and respect toward yourself and others, and you'll be protected. If you don't make a big deal out of this, no one else will -- not for long, anyway. If you feel shameful about this and project it out, you will see it mirrored back in their faces. So forgive yourself and move on, and so will they. Defense is really attack, just a different side of the coin. Detachment ... letting go ... it's the way to peace.

 

But your intuition may tell you something else! If that's the case, ignore what I just said and listen to it!

Edited December 2, 2010 by Breezy Trousers

[spice4life]

Yeah, I agree that he's a bully! I don't see his behavior as a reflection of love for you. I see it as selfish and potentially abusive.

 

Attachment is not the same thing as love. People who lack empathy for others -- i.e, people with personality disorders -- can always attach and have hot sex but still lack empathy and thus cannot truly love or bond. When men murder their wives, for example, it isn't about them "loving" the wife too much --- clearly, it's about wanting to maintain attachment and control over them. Love is caring, compassion and empathy toward others. Attachment is essentially selfish dark rot.

 

If he truly loved you, he wouldn't do this to you. I agree with those who say that his behavior is a reflection of his (immature) character. In addition, I would be concerned with his poor impulse control in view of the risks he is taking with you at the workplace. If he's so invested in having control over you -- to the point that he's less invested in preserving his own reputation and livelihood -- there's a darker issue at hand. Yes, he wants your attention -- affairs are all about "pay attention to me, me, me!!" -- and at this point maybe he thinks negative attention is better than no attention at all. I just hope he catches himself and doesn't cross the line.

 

You're the better judge of this. You've received great advice, but your intuition will continue to guide you out.

 

BTW, I've had two "crazies" target me with gossip at the workplace over the past 20 years on two different occasions. (If you work long enough with many people, it's bound to happen.) I didn't react in either instance, though it was terribly, awfully hard not to. In each instance, something told me they would end up exposing themselves to everyone. And my intuition was right. Both women both ended up "hanging" themselves at work, in other circumstances, within a month to a year of trying to hurt me, and both were forced to leave the respective workplaces while I stayed on with a solid reputation .... Hold your head up, walk with dignity, humility and respect toward yourself and others, and you'll be protected. If you don't make a big deal out of this, no one else will -- not for long, anyway. If you feel shameful about this and project it out, you will see it mirrored back in their faces. So forgive yourself and move on, and so will they. Defense is really attack, just a different side of the coin. Detachment ... letting go ... it's the way to peace.

 

But your intuition may tell you something else! If that's the case, ignore what I just said and listen to it!

 

Excellent post! I could not have said this any better myself. I totally agree with your philosophy. The part in bold is the absolute truth.