myname Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 So, the no contact has stopped, and I don't really know how I am going to manage to implement it properly, because MM has started making sort of threats to tell people at work about us. He is freelance, so he's not in the office hardly ever, while I am here every day. He's been saying things that show he's feeling bitter about us stopping, and suggesting that he somehow wants to ensure that he is not brushed aside from my life. Oh god, it seems so unfair, cos he's the one staying married. Of course then he'll go on about how his marriage is a mess, they don't get on, don't have sex etc, and his wife knows about his involvement with me and that'll never not be an issue in their marriage now... Actually seeing this behaviour from him is good because it's making me go off him, but it's also making me scared of what he might do. And just this morning he's already emailed a few people at work ccing me in and mostly it's just work but there's an aside about getting demands from me that's coming a bit close to uncomfortable. How am I going to defuse this situation?
Pokemon Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Talk to HR! Show them the emails! Screw him over before he ruins you! Tell them he won't stop harassing you after you ended it! Alternatively, tell him nicely to stop. If he doesn't, tell HR or your boss! Claim innocence, use tears, sound severly depressed! You're a girl!
Pomppikani Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 He is telling to others that you have left him? That makes you the smart one (smart enough to left him) You don't have to do anything, just let him make himself look stupid.
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Talk to HR! Show them the emails! Screw him over before he ruins you! Tell them he won't stop harassing you after you ended it! Alternatively, tell him nicely to stop. If he doesn't, tell HR or your boss! Claim innocence, use tears, sound severly depressed! You're a girl! There is no HR, we're a tiny organisation, if I tell my boss I think I'll be causing more problems, and I don't want to escalate this at all if I can help it. I have been asking him nicely to stop. I don't even know what he wants from me now, I think he actually wants people to know and I can't work out what's in it for him. He's going to make a fool of himself in front of everybody, it will be embarassing for me, but he could end up losing work if he plays this wrong, and then what sort of monster will he become and where will the threats go next?
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 He is telling to others that you have left him? That makes you the smart one (smart enough to left him) You don't have to do anything, just let him make himself look stupid. I think he's suggesting he'll just be letting on to people that we have had a relationship, that he has 'been there' as regards me if you like. Wow, I thought I'd just have to deal with my bad feelings about this ending, but not all this rubbish.
jennie-jennie Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Sorry you are having to go through this, myname. Seems unpleasant indeed. Your MM (or xMM?) is obviously desperate, likely feeling very low at the prospect of your relationship ending.
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Sorry you are having to go through this, myname. Seems unpleasant indeed. Your MM (or xMM?) is obviously desperate, likely feeling very low at the prospect of your relationship ending. Yeah, he is feeling something like that, and I can feel for him because I've been low about it all too, but he's the one insisting on staying in his marriage, and now basically unless I get a new job I'm going to have to keep some contact with him, and I know that leaves the potential for the affair carrying on and then I'm back feeling insecure about his marriage and rubbish about myself again, he's certainly not making anything easy.
4321sn Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 What if you threaten to tell his W everything? Would that stop him?
jennie-jennie Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Yeah, he is feeling something like that, and I can feel for him because I've been low about it all too, but he's the one insisting on staying in his marriage, and now basically unless I get a new job I'm going to have to keep some contact with him, and I know that leaves the potential for the affair carrying on and then I'm back feeling insecure about his marriage and rubbish about myself again, he's certainly not making anything easy. It's certainly not easy. A lot hinges on you then. You need to be strong whichever path you choose to follow. May I ask, just being curious, why did you feel insecure about his marriage? Did you feel insecure in whether he was going to leave the marriage or not? Or was it about whether he loved you or not?
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 What if you threaten to tell his W everything? Would that stop him? I thought about this, but if possible I don't want to retaliate with threats because I fear things escalating and getting well out of control. I'm also aware that they could at that point join together and out me at work in a worse way, like her coming in to the office. I just couldn't deal with that. And right now, her suspicion and supervision of him is probably stopping him from being able to come out and intercept me. It's really looking like I'm going to have to carry on somewhat with him to keep things quiet, this is crazy.
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 It's certainly not easy. A lot hinges on you then. You need to be strong whichever path you choose to follow. May I ask, just being curious, why did you feel insecure about his marriage? Did you feel insecure in whether he was going to leave the marriage or not? Or was it about whether he loved you or not? I certainly got to a stage where I was sure he wasn't going to leave the marriage, the reasons for not became irrelevant. I did believe he loved me, but I was spending too much time on my own, worrying about him getting caught out at home again and having to go through all that fallout again, and getting irritated by the lack of any future. I really tried to be gentle with him about stopping things, when he started up the contact again I did respond kindly but firmly, but he's not letting it go easy at all. He's pretty much said now that while we both still work at the same place he'll need to still see me as we have done.
jennie-jennie Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 (edited) I certainly got to a stage where I was sure he wasn't going to leave the marriage, the reasons for not became irrelevant. I did believe he loved me, but I was spending too much time on my own, worrying about him getting caught out at home again and having to go through all that fallout again, and getting irritated by the lack of any future. I really tried to be gentle with him about stopping things, when he started up the contact again I did respond kindly but firmly, but he's not letting it go easy at all. He's pretty much said now that while we both still work at the same place he'll need to still see me as we have done. You have to be strong in your conviction then. Reading your post it seems like you have made a well thought through decision. That's good. Just continue to show him you have made your mind up, and eventually he will understand. He needs to see if he in any way can make you change your mind, that is what he is testing now. If you don't budge, he will eventually accept that your relationship is over. This is normal for the ending of any relationship. The person who doesn't initiate the ending needs to check its authenticity. Edited November 25, 2010 by jennie-jennie
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 You have to be strong in your conviction then. Reading your post it seems like you have made a well thought through decision. That's good. Just continue to show him you have made your mind up, and eventually he will understand. He needs to see if he in any way can make you change your mind, that is what he is testing now. If you don't budge, he will eventually accept that your relationship is over. This is normal for the ending of any relationship. The person who doesn't initiate the ending needs to check its authenticity. That does make sense, and I can understand, but it is the threats that really threw me and I am feeling like I'm going to have be careful now to keep him on side. Right now it's coming across as he won't tell about our little secret as long as our little secret still exists.
scatterd Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Are you willing to be with this guy when he calls all the shots it seems to me he takes more then he gives.So you start back up with him and he has no intentions of leaving his wife are you going to continue living like this? I think you should think very hard about this.If he is going to out you on this job then play the card of outing him.This guy is totally selfish its his way or the highway.Ask him if hes going to divorce in return for you seeing him I doubt he will.I would be turned off and pissed.Good Luck
Carrot2000 Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 It's really looking like I'm going to have to carry on somewhat with him to keep things quiet, this is crazy. No, you do not and don't use this as an excuse to stay in a relationship that is not giving you what you want. 1. He's freelance, so actually he's the one who is most at risk. If he's causing problems in the workplace, he can be let go at a moment's notice. Remind him of this. 2. You took a chance by having an affair with a married colleague and now you have to deal with the consequences, one of which is that he may ruin your professional reputation. I think you're going to have to swallow your pride and talk to your boss about what's happening. If you out yourself, this man will have no power over you and can't hold anything over your head. Sure, it may cause trouble and co-workers may lose respect for you, but it will pass. Myname, you can't run from this and you can't take the easy way out just because it preserves your image. You gotta take your lumps and keep movin'. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Are you willing to be with this guy when he calls all the shots it seems to me he takes more then he gives.So you start back up with him and he has no intentions of leaving his wife are you going to continue living like this? I think you should think very hard about this.If he is going to out you on this job then play the card of outing him.This guy is totally selfish its his way or the highway.Ask him if hes going to divorce in return for you seeing him I doubt he will.I would be turned off and pissed.Good Luck I am not pleased about this at all, and right now I wouldn't want him to get a divorce. My office is small, I would prefer not to have everyone gossiping about our affair and I don't want to get into a tit for tat situation with him, also he's been found out by his wife so many times there's no point in me getting involved by contacting her. He seems pretty unstable now and capable of doing something stupid, so I'll speak to him and rely on his wife's short leash on him to mean that he can't come and see me.
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 No, you do not and don't use this as an excuse to stay in a relationship that is not giving you what you want. 1. He's freelance, so actually he's the one who is most at risk. If he's causing problems in the workplace, he can be let go at a moment's notice. Remind him of this. 2. You took a chance by having an affair with a married colleague and now you have to deal with the consequences, one of which is that he may ruin your professional reputation. I think you're going to have to swallow your pride and talk to your boss about what's happening. If you out yourself, this man will have no power over you and can't hold anything over your head. Sure, it may cause trouble and co-workers may lose respect for you, but it will pass. Myname, you can't run from this and you can't take the easy way out just because it preserves your image. You gotta take your lumps and keep movin'. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. I know maybe I'm just putting my head in the sand and hoping this will go away. I know he's freelance and is more at risk in that sense, which makes me scared of what could come next if he does do anything, cos having then lost his job as well he'd be feeling even more bitter about things. If I out myself now, it's outing him too, and I don't think that'd go down well. I guess I'm going to have to get used to the idea that I will be outed, it's not great and it'd make me damn cross with him.
TigerCub Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I thought about this, but if possible I don't want to retaliate with threats because I fear things escalating and getting well out of control. I'm also aware that they could at that point join together and out me at work in a worse way, like her coming in to the office. I just couldn't deal with that. And right now, her suspicion and supervision of him is probably stopping him from being able to come out and intercept me. It's really looking like I'm going to have to carry on somewhat with him to keep things quiet, this is crazy. You're right myname, that is CRAZY!! I would suggest that if he threatens you again to simply say to him "You threatening me, is certainly making me see you in a different light. I had love for you and I truly believed that you felt the same - but threatening to try to ruin my reputation at work is not loving in any way. You can't possibly realistically expect us to be together if you're treating me like that and trying to bully me into being with you - its such a shame that its all come to this" I would suggest that you say that in the most calm, tone of voice ever, just make it sound like its truly the SAD realization that you're coming to with regards to how he's acting. THEN... If he dares threaten you again - I suggest that you go straight to his wife and show her the emails and show her whatever texts, messages, etc that he's sent to you. DON"T threaten him and tell him that you'll be doing that if he doesn't stop. You go right ahead and do it. Don't give him time to think of how he's going to stop you. Don't give him warning, don't do any of that crap - see that was his mistake, he's made his threats and gave you plenty of time to think about your options and what you could do to cover your azz. Don't give him that same luxury. I really do hope that you don't let him bully you into carrying on anymore with him. If you let someone blackmail you, they'll own your a$$ forever!! be smarter than him. try to talk to him and just tell him frankly that he can't make you love him by bullying you and that his threats certainly don't illustrate love. Then if he does it again, simply f**k up his world without a hint of warning. Then go to your boss and show him the messages and his threats and tell him that he makes you very uncomfortable. Don't feel sorry for a piece of trash that chose his path in life and is trying to bully you into being his bit on the side. Show that douche who's smarter! good luck to you p.s. you don't have to take my advice - its just what I would do if it ever came down to that - I'd f**k up his world if I was ever threatened.
scatterd Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I would talk to your boss ask your boss to keep it between you both Get rid of him.Be strong don't allow him to use you nor call the shots.Do you think you will enjoy being with him now that you know what hes about? People will have more respect for you if the A comes out of your mouth If it comes out of his you wont have a chance.But at this point I would not be with him.You say his wife don't care I bet she does that's why hes on this short leash.He is making threats that he most likely wont carry out.I am wondering if their is a part of you that wants to see him again.Think about this even if he offered a future with you how could you ever trust him.Please stay strong and true to yourself.Theirs so many good men you could see out there.
Carrot2000 Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 If I out myself now, it's outing him too, and I don't think that'd go down well. I guess I'm going to have to get used to the idea that I will be outed, it's not great and it'd make me damn cross with him. Better you out yourself than letting him do it. If he does it, it will be out of anger and there's no telling how he will spin the story to make you look bad. He may retaliate, but as long as he does not physically harm you or your property don't worry about it too much. If he is capable of harming you, you need to get law enforcement involved. Someone who truly loved you would not do something like this to you, no matter how much he's hurting (if he's hurting). And you should never be afraid of someone you love.
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 You're right myname, that is CRAZY!! I would suggest that if he threatens you again to simply say to him "You threatening me, is certainly making me see you in a different light. I had love for you and I truly believed that you felt the same - but threatening to try to ruin my reputation at work is not loving in any way. You can't possibly realistically expect us to be together if you're treating me like that and trying to bully me into being with you - its such a shame that its all come to this" I would suggest that you say that in the most calm, tone of voice ever, just make it sound like its truly the SAD realization that you're coming to with regards to how he's acting. THEN... If he dares threaten you again - I suggest that you go straight to his wife and show her the emails and show her whatever texts, messages, etc that he's sent to you. DON"T threaten him and tell him that you'll be doing that if he doesn't stop. You go right ahead and do it. Don't give him time to think of how he's going to stop you. Don't give him warning, don't do any of that crap - see that was his mistake, he's made his threats and gave you plenty of time to think about your options and what you could do to cover your azz. Don't give him that same luxury. I really do hope that you don't let him bully you into carrying on anymore with him. If you let someone blackmail you, they'll own your a$$ forever!! be smarter than him. try to talk to him and just tell him frankly that he can't make you love him by bullying you and that his threats certainly don't illustrate love. Then if he does it again, simply f**k up his world without a hint of warning. Then go to your boss and show him the messages and his threats and tell him that he makes you very uncomfortable. Don't feel sorry for a piece of trash that chose his path in life and is trying to bully you into being his bit on the side. Show that douche who's smarter! good luck to you p.s. you don't have to take my advice - its just what I would do if it ever came down to that - I'd f**k up his world if I was ever threatened. Yes, it is crazy. I know I can't give in to what is essentially looking like blackmail. I did say to him something similar to your suggestion, that he was scaring me with the threats and that what could be happy memories for both of us would be ruined by this sort of behaviour. That there were things I found it hard to accept, such as him choosing to stay married but that I would not act out my frustrations and upset over those and if he cared for me he would do the same for me. He did show a bit of remorse, was sorry, didn't mean to upset me, wouldn't want to do anything to harm me etc, but he's not accepting things are over. I really don't want to get his wife involved, if I can help it. I think that would just add another angry bitter person to the mix.
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 I would talk to your boss ask your boss to keep it between you both Get rid of him.Be strong don't allow him to use you nor call the shots.Do you think you will enjoy being with him now that you know what hes about? People will have more respect for you if the A comes out of your mouth If it comes out of his you wont have a chance.But at this point I would not be with him.You say his wife don't care I bet she does that's why hes on this short leash.He is making threats that he most likely wont carry out.I am wondering if their is a part of you that wants to see him again.Think about this even if he offered a future with you how could you ever trust him.Please stay strong and true to yourself.Theirs so many good men you could see out there. I didn't mean his wife doesn't care, she does of course. Yes, in some ways I have wanted to see him again, have validation from him, I'd been feeling totally down and missing him during no contact. But no I see no future here, he's scared me, he's no doubt been using similar tactics on his wife. He's not being fair to me or to her. My workplace is so small and all in the same office, my immediate boss is so emotionally stunted that he didn't even acknowledge the death of my grandmother recently, the next person I could go to is the Chief Exec who doesn't like to be bothered by staff issues. These might all look like excuses but I don't think at this stage it's wise for me to open my mouth about the affair. Regardless of whether he's behaved well or not, if I do and then he loses his work contract here he will then be more likely to retaliate nastily towards me.
scatterd Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Stick to your guns you deserve so much more and hes not the one able to give it.Think of this as a lesson in life do things that make you happy. I wish you well and hope all turns out good.Theirs someone out there that will be able to offer you so much more.No more waiting for him to call no more crying No more rollercoaster ride.Write a list of all the good and the bad compare them close this chapter of your life and move on to a more relaxed realationship.Now you no what you dont want you can try to get what you do want.
Author myname Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Better you out yourself than letting him do it. If he does it, it will be out of anger and there's no telling how he will spin the story to make you look bad. He may retaliate, but as long as he does not physically harm you or your property don't worry about it too much. If he is capable of harming you, you need to get law enforcement involved. Someone who truly loved you would not do something like this to you, no matter how much he's hurting (if he's hurting). And you should never be afraid of someone you love. I can see the logic of that, and if I was in a big organisation it might make more sense cos I could tell someone in a hr dept and keep it less personal. If he outs me through anger here, he's going to be coming across so badly to everyone that I think it'd do him more harm than me. I don't want to do anything that could cause any justification for retaliation on his part, so I'm going to call his bluff, if he wants to carry out his threats he can, I'd rather he didn't, I won't have any respect for him if he does.
TigerCub Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Yes, it is crazy. I know I can't give in to what is essentially looking like blackmail. I did say to him something similar to your suggestion, that he was scaring me with the threats and that what could be happy memories for both of us would be ruined by this sort of behaviour. That there were things I found it hard to accept, such as him choosing to stay married but that I would not act out my frustrations and upset over those and if he cared for me he would do the same for me. He did show a bit of remorse, was sorry, didn't mean to upset me, wouldn't want to do anything to harm me etc, but he's not accepting things are over. yeah but you know now that the words of an xMM/MM are worthless. He's still persisting. I really don't want to get his wife involved, if I can help it. I think that would just add another angry bitter person to the mix. I understand where you're coming from, but if you approach her in a way that's telling her that you DON'T want anything to do with her husband but he's harassing you, then maybe she wont be as bitter towards you. And if she gets involved, at least that would get him out of your hair as he's trying to do damage control with her. I just don't want to see you get more hurt and being blackmailed and bullied is the worst thing you can ever put up with. I truly hope that you don't.
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