siuys Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Just curious how your A or R changed after d-day? There was no d-day in my case but have always wondered what it's like for those of you out there who have experienced it? And how many of you have stopped the A or R after d-day?
steelknife Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Just curious how your A or R changed after d-day? There was no d-day in my case but have always wondered what it's like for those of you out there who have experienced it? And how many of you have stopped the A or R after d-day? i dunno what i was expecting. but i didnt expect him to drop me like a hot potato after dday. i reckon i wouldnt if he didnt leave me. maybe, MAYBE i will stil go on. but the pain and humiliation after that is just so unbearable. i cant connect the state we were in during the affair and the sudden drop of the bombshell. the choice he made that left me nowhere to go. i had only me to rely on. he just disappeared. that pretty much told me what i meant to him and all those things he said and made me believe for the past 26 months were all either a lie, or expires on the condition of dday. from where i am now, none of it seems true. but it is all gone.. the humiliation is undescribable.. being riduculed im sure by the ow, to her friends and the mm possibly joining too lame to stand up for it. sometimes i just wish i can put a stop to it but how? in the end, it is the ow to be blamed, or maybe, mm said i teased him-- i will take what i can. my main goal is to get away from them and this. and put this all behind me. thats life. i will just move on and try to forget this bitter part.. but the shame. the shame...
Author siuys Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 steelknife, never forget that it was your choice as well as his. we all make mistakes and believe certain things we want to believe despite the facts staring us in the face. so he disappeared - it's good for you. you don't need any more of this ****. why feel shame? just because you made a mistake? stop judging yourself. no one is perfect. life is but a journey. no one has a frigging map. in my opinion, most MMs are too ****ing chicken to face up to the mess they have created, or leave a M that is not working. whatever you do, move on and don't judge yourself. it was not a pleasant chapter in your life. we all have those. learn from it and hold your head high. stuff him!
jj33 Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Siuys I think you should count yourself lucky it sounds so traumatic. I never had a D day cause she knew but meeting her was awkward. I met her after it was over but meeting her and being doing things that involved her brought us closer which is odd in retrospect. Maybe its because then I had a little bit more of a window into his life or as much as you have meeting someone for a few minutes. It was shortly after it ended and we were still in touch a lot and saw each other every few weeks for lunch or a drink or whatever. It also brought home to me how very different she and I are. He had always said that but meeting her and everything really made that clear.
steelknife Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 steelknife, never forget that it was your choice as well as his. we all make mistakes and believe certain things we want to believe despite the facts staring us in the face. so he disappeared - it's good for you. you don't need any more of this ****. why feel shame? just because you made a mistake? stop judging yourself. no one is perfect. life is but a journey. no one has a frigging map. in my opinion, most MMs are too ****ing chicken to face up to the mess they have created, or leave a M that is not working. whatever you do, move on and don't judge yourself. it was not a pleasant chapter in your life. we all have those. learn from it and hold your head high. stuff him! i am ashamed bec of what i brought to myself...i am ashamed bec even if i said i never truly want him to leave his fam, i was devastated when he chose the BS. i wanted him to be confused just so i can validate to myself that i meant a lot to him, equal to his family, even if he will never leave them out of his love and obligation. but no it didnt happen that way. i resent that fact that i gave my all to him. on a day to day basis. i am not ashame for loving him, he will never have the kind of love again from anyone else. but i am ashamed he can drop me just like that when i expected him to do otherwise, i am ashamed at how much i gave leaving none for myself, i am ashame for letting myself believe all his lies. i am ashamed that at the end of the road, i am looking at how pathetic i was. if i can fade into oblivion i will. this is waht he has done to me. i am scared to meet him and bs anywhere. i need to work on that to be able to gain my face again. after all, i was in it bec he let me in, not that i knocked.. anyway. life is a mess right now. but as they say, it goes. am hanging on. i will make it. im just glad that feeling indifferent now makes me do everything i can to avoid talking to him and picking up his calls. i cant bear to go through the pain again. i know what i mean to him...i accept that. period. let us not wait for dday to happen. leave when you can. or better, never start with a committed person.
Author siuys Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 steelknife, forgive and love yourself. sounds like it's impossible right now, but you will get to that point. it's in your hands to change your current situation. leave the past behind and stay in the now and look forward. do whatever it takes to regain that sense of self, that confidence, that self love. and i agree, never start with a committed person. that's something i will never do again. i know it.
fooled once Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Just curious how your A or R changed after d-day? There was no d-day in my case but have always wondered what it's like for those of you out there who have experienced it? And how many of you have stopped the A or R after d-day? In my situation, his wife called me. He called me to 'warn' me she would be calling. Nice of him to give her my number. Anyway, we traded jabs, we traded stories (of course, nothing he told me matched what his wife said ~ which was actually comical). We spoke for about 20 minutes and I told her I had somewhere to be (which was accurate, as I had to take my son to baseball practice). While at baseball practice, the MM called me all freaked because his wife called me. He wanted to know what I said and I told him which he didn't like (unlike many who talk to the wife, when she asked me a question, I told her my thoughts, my experience and my feelings). I didn't side step it - I figured it things were actually like he claimed, then it wouldn't matter. He tried everything to make me understand, to calm me down (as I was PISSED) and assured me of his plans to 'leave'. The affair ended about 2 months later, because I was D-O-N-E. When I had time to reflect on the conversation, I realized how he wasn't truthful with me, how things he told me about his wife weren't accurate and how somewhere between what she said and what he said, there was truth. I just knew I was done being jerked around. I had no desire for this woman (who found out where I lived ... again, not sure how besides him since my # was unlisted and this was way before google and all that) to show up at my home and any altercation to happen in front of my young child. I also knew that if he really loved me like he claimed, he would be with me. He would move mountains to be with me. he didn't and we aren't together. He called me every now and then for the next couple of years, constantly apologizing, asking me to give him another chance. No thanks. I had moved on and met my wonderful H and found a man who loved me, who wanted to be with me and who moved mountains to show me how much he wanted a future with me.
East7 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Just curious how your A or R changed after d-day? There was no d-day in my case but have always wondered what it's like for those of you out there who have experienced it? And how many of you have stopped the A or R after d-day? My MW contacts me once in a while, even after Dday. If you wonder how it changes the dynamics of the A it depends on the WS, - sometimes they try to fix the M and cut you off completely, - sometimes they make no effort towards their M (my MW) and want to resume the A without changing anything (the worse). This often happens when the BS forgives without conditions or WS has no intention to fix marriage and keeps Status Quo.
East7 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 I also knew that if he really loved me like he claimed, he would be with me. He would move mountains to be with me. he didn't and we aren't together. He called me every now and then for the next couple of years, constantly apologizing, asking me to give him another chance. No thanks. I had moved on and met my wonderful H and found a man who loved me, who wanted to be with me and who moved mountains to show me how much he wanted a future with me. Great story You had an happy ending with someone who "truly" loved you. When you really want someone else you don't stay married and miserable. You just do it ! Congrats. Please remind this 100 times to all those brokenhearted OP here..
Recommended Posts