I had a break through today. Finally moving forward!

[Pokemon]

I have all his passwords. Today, I told my friend to log in and change it. She logged into his verizon wireless, changed it to something I don't know - it sent an alert to his phone, so he changed all the passwords to his emails. PHEW! It felt like a big load off my shoulders.

 

He then texted me telling me that he changed it.

 

I texted back, "Thanks. I hope you are back with wife and doing good?"

 

He took an hour to reply, then said, "I am doing good. Hope you are well2." Completely ignored the wife part.

 

Then I dropped the bomb and said, "Good to hear. I've moved on, so doing good. That's what I want 4U when I left - 2B with your family."

 

He never texted back. I hope he gets it now and never comes back. I logged into my ATT wireless and blocked him on smart limits after.

 

I honestly, honestly hope he gets back with his wife so I can be rid of this problem. He's like terrible soap scum though.

 

In the past, I always kept the option in my head to take him back when he contacts me. NOW, I feel absolutely disgusted when I think of having sex with him. I used to have the best sex with him, but now, I get so DISGUSTED!!! After I discovered the 3-month lie, I lost -all- respect for him.

 

As a man, nothing's worse than being caught lying, and then RUNNING AWAY instead of talking to me. Only immature pussi3s act like that! Come on! And then, all the negatives started pouring through my brain...

 

1) I am 26, he 38, and I make more money than him by far... Far! I pick up the tab 70% of the time.

2) I am very confident of my looks, and he can't even pick up a girl at a bar. Eww.

3) The only place he has traveled to out of continental USA is Hawaii. I've been to 17 countries and 44 cities. Plus, he only speaks 1 language fluently. I am bilingual. Sorry, he is just unworldly.

4) He put on 20 lbs since we got back in August. I'm sorry, but I'm losing even physical attraction to him, which was why it was easy to leave.

5) He visits his daughter 2-3 times a month, writes a check to his wife, and spends 95% of time with his young girlfriend.

6) He ignored his wife for 1.5 months after confessing about affair.

7) He lied to me! Dunno how many lies, but he lied as I slept in his bed beside him and tolerated his wife and child problem!

 

What was I thinking?!?! I am 26! He should be lucky to even have me on his arms! WTF?! It's like a very bad dream. Sorry if I sounded mean, I just had to rant as something inside me flipped! So glad I was the one who packed, left, and dumped his sorry a$$!

 

Then I went to a hypnotherapist today. She is the BEST. If anyone in LA needs her, I can recommend. Someone also asked for my number today at the store and he looks like Chris Pine. I am SO DEFINITELY moving on.

[whichwayisup]

Great!! This is really a good step forward and a healthy way of getting over it all.

 

Even more so that the thought of having sex with him makes you sick. Means you're repelling against!

[siuys]

Pokemon, this is good. Sure I can see you're angry and everything but damn right, you sure don't need no loser! Keep NC, move on, and you'll be fine before you know it! I think if the thought of having sex with him disgusts you that is really to your favour. I wish I had that. I really miss the physical and emotional intimacy with xMM, but hey, my life is more important. I'd rather be alone than be in a toxic mess... keep up the good work.

[Pokemon]

You see, Siuys, I -used- to feel like you. In turmoil but still physically VERY attracted to him, absolutely loved the sex. At that point, my epitome of the ideal opposite gender was him.

 

However, the resentment inside me built up exponentially in the last 3 weeks we were together. I started standing outside our relationship and seeing him for who he really is - a p*ssy. When I found out he lied to me for 3 months to keep me around, and then ran away to avoid me, I just lost all respect for him.

 

I remember day 1 of NC, I was so in pain, but the thought of having sex with him, unprotected, COMPLETELY repulsed me! It's disgusting! I can't let such filth be near my body again! Yuck Yuck YUCK!!!

 

I'm sorry, he should have not been made a man. What a weakling! I told him I want him to be with his family, so I can get rid of him for good!

[siuys]

Pokemon, resentment is never good but I understand. I know what you mean because I, too, don't believe xMM has the guts to leave a M he is not happy in. D is a serious undertaking, and I think one needs to be able to do it without an OW around and make the right decision. But yes, I still think he is a p*ssy! ha ha. At least now i'm not around he can get on with his fabulous married life, and i can get on with mine.

 

If you feel repulsed that is a good thing. How could you possibly be with a liar? So yes, good for you. How long have you been NC now again? It's only been 13 days for me but am doing good.

[Silly_Girl]

Good for you!!! Bet you feel light and free, right?? Well done. Keep it up

[Pokemon]

At least now i'm not around he can get on with his fabulous married life, and i can get on with mine.

 

If you feel repulsed that is a good thing. How could you possibly be with a liar? So yes, good for you. How long have you been NC now again? It's only been 13 days for me but am doing good.

 

I highly doubt his married life is that fabulous. Highly doubt it or he wouldn't be messing around with you! If he really did love you or cared for you, the absence of your presence will still burn a hole quietly. I've been on both sides of the coin with cheating, so I know how it feels like to be in the middle. It must be karma. In college I dated 2 guys at the same time, lied to both to cover my tracks. When I messed up on one, I ran to the other. It was like a power trip - I never had to be alone because giving half of myself made them both want me more! In the end, the one I loved more caught me lying and refused to take me back, and I was devastated. Learned my lesson hard.

 

I've been on NC for 9 days. But my friends all know me as the type of girl who doesn't get hung up over guys. I called about 5 friends and talked for an hour on the phone to each (so I won't tire anyone out), then paid a therapist to perform hypnosis to strengthen my will. On my spare time I post on this forum. You see, I'm determined to get it out of my system. I broke a 4 year engagement and recovered in 2 months. I'll put a nail on the coffin for my feelings for this sorry SOB by day 21, just wait and see! I'm so determined to do it! After all, I left even before all my feelings for him were dead.

[endlessness]

I remember day 1 of NC, I was so in pain, but the thought of having sex with him, unprotected, COMPLETELY repulsed me! It's disgusting! I can't let such filth be near my body again! Yuck Yuck YUCK!!!

 

I certainly understand. The thought of having sex with that creature is absolutely revolting.

 

I'm glad you are moving forward, Pokemon. This A is beneath you -- or any woman for that matter.

[siuys]

Pokemon, i was like you two weeks ago - very determined to get over xMM asap. I've since calmed down because truth is, I don't know how i'll feel even tomorrow. But all in all I am doing good.

 

Yes, I hope my absence burns a hole in him. I really do. Sounds horrible but maybe he'll get a glimpse of what it felt like for me.

 

I don't have quite a 'colourful' love life like yours in the past but i, too, believe in karma. I have cheated in the past, and tended to be the one to leave the R, so this one really hurts. But there is a big lesson for me here and I've discovered a lot about myself which is a great thing.

 

I wish you all the strength in maintaining NC. I am on here a lot as I no longer wish to talk to my friends about xMM... it's been too long, too many conversations, i've deleted him from my vocabulary except on here, where I know most would understand. I follow your posts so good luck.

[Confused4Now]

Pokemon, i was like you two weeks ago - very determined to get over xMM asap. I've since calmed down because truth is, I don't know how i'll feel even tomorrow. But all in all I am doing good.

 

Yes, I hope my absence burns a hole in him. I really do. Sounds horrible but maybe he'll get a glimpse of what it felt like for me.

I don't have quite a 'colourful' love life like yours in the past but i, too, believe in karma. I have cheated in the past, and tended to be the one to leave the R, so this one really hurts. But there is a big lesson for me here and I've discovered a lot about myself which is a great thing.

 

I wish you all the strength in maintaining NC. I am on here a lot as I no longer wish to talk to my friends about xMM... it's been too long, too many conversations, i've deleted him from my vocabulary except on here, where I know most would understand. I follow your posts so good luck.

This sounds like some anger still....I had those thoughts early on but it's more of sorrow for her now. It's sad how people can live their lives so unhappy for everyone else but themselves. Even though I've thought about her today on Thanksgiving I do hope she is happy with her family.

 

I too have learned a huge lesson in all this. It's funny how you take for granted with things in your life and are willing to settle. I couldn't do it anymore. Stay strong and focus on YOU!!!

[steelknife]

anger and resentment is never a good thing. but if it is waht will make you move on and love yourself more. then so be it.

 

we get to the point when we realized so many things. bec were thinking clearly now. those days, didnt even bother you that you pick up the tab almost always aye? i didnt too.. i was THAT desperate to be with him..

 

good luck. keep posting. be strong. you have so many things going for you. you deserve someone worthy of what you are.

[siuys]

Thanks, C4N. Yes, i guess there's still a bit of anger there. At times I am at peace with the whole thing, other times I am a bit angry but I know anger won't help me. I guess it's a process. And yes, I think if in 5 years time or whatever he is still married, and unhappy, good luck to him. I surely can not live my life for someone else. May be mother teresa can, but I am not her.

 

Happy thanksgiving everyone. I am not in the States but I know it's big over there so enjoy.

 

Thanks all for the support.

[blinded_27]

I enjoyed this post, Pokemon I have a list very similar to this on my iPhone lol... when I was NC I would look at it just to get a good laugh when I was feeling low. Sure, some may say it's childish, but hey, whatever helps right!!

 

I noticed you were handling all of this INCREDIBLY well and just saw you went to see a hypnotherapist? That's a great idea... I'm curious to try it out!

[SunsetRed]

Great thread guys! I have written an email to him that I sent to draft and didn't even post his address on it, but the content of the email is full of self pity for me and anger to him. I was feeling like I would stay "stuck" and not move forward unless I sent it, but then got on this forum first.

 

For today, the email won't be sent. All of us who post on here seem to have the same experiences and feelings. I too had to pick up the tab even though his income was twice mine. He gave all his income to the wife who wouldn't work. I was working 60 hours a week and she wasn't working at all and he would give her his entire paycheck simply because she's the "mother of his kids" who are 16 and 21. If he were with me now, I'd be supporting him and he'd be supporting the wife. Stupidly, there are times when I wish I was doing that, but deep down I know I'd lose respect for myself.

 

I stuck by him during many difficult times and all she wants his her $$ and security and yet he kicked me to the curb to live in self denial and give her everything.

 

Well, I guess I'll have to live with my feelings of negativity for a while. Expressing these feelings to him won't help me, he'll just say/do something to make me hurt more than I do. So, for today, the email won't be sent.

[blinded_27]

Great thread guys! I have written an email to him that I sent to draft and didn't even post his address on it, but the content of the email is full of self pity for me and anger to him. I was feeling like I would stay "stuck" and not move forward unless I sent it, but then got on this forum first.

 

For today, the email won't be sent. All of us who post on here seem to have the same experiences and feelings. I too had to pick up the tab even though his income was twice mine. He gave all his income to the wife who wouldn't work. I was working 60 hours a week and she wasn't working at all and he would give her his entire paycheck simply because she's the "mother of his kids" who are 16 and 21. If he were with me now, I'd be supporting him and he'd be supporting the wife. Stupidly, there are times when I wish I was doing that, but deep down I know I'd lose respect for myself.

 

I stuck by him during many difficult times and all she wants his her $$ and security and yet he kicked me to the curb to live in self denial and give her everything.

 

Well, I guess I'll have to live with my feelings of negativity for a while. Expressing these feelings to him won't help me, he'll just say/do something to make me hurt more than I do. So, for today, the email won't be sent.

 

Smart words. And congrats on having some self control and not sending the email Keep it like that, in the drafts folder where it belongs.

 

 

Edit: K I want in on this now. Feels better to vent openly. YES, RUDE, but I don't care. Because it's my way of healing. lol

 

1) I am 27, he 25, I make more money than him even with his 2 jobs combined. I've encouraged him to ask for a raise, but he's "too scared", so he'll be stuck with his POS salary and 2 jobs for a VERY long time.

2) I am also very confident of my looks, and he also DEFINITELY cannot pick up a girl at a bar. (Why the hell did I even go for him? Took me MONTHS to finally get past his odd appearance... it's amazing what complimenting a girl every day can do).

3) He has no money to go on vacations or trips anyway because of his ridiculously large consolidated debt which allows him about $50/month of spending. So becoming "worldly" is out of the question for him lol

4) He's too skinny now. He says it's cuz of the stress he's been through trying to decide if he loves me or his wife more but whatever. Hardly enough beef to protect me from danger.

5) He lied/IS lying to me too... COUNTLESS times. Even after he said he was done with lying. I've caught him in 5 lies now (yes, I am keeping track so I can call him out on every single one of them). Ugh WHY do I keep going back to someone who lies at the drop of a hat?

6) He has a really irritating laugh. It's odd and high pitched. Don't like it. hahah

7) Most importantly, in trying to picture him fitting in with the rest of my (very large, honest, and loving) family, he just doesn't..... Looks wise, and personality wise. I've gotten used to his personality, but I can see my parents having a hard time trying to get to know him and keeping a conversation flowing with him, as he sounds really uneducated when he talks. He doesn't have the good, fun, humorous nature to jump right in there with my crazy family. This was always so important to me... not sure why I let that one slip so easily :\

[Star_Bright]

I can completely relate Pokemon!

 

I too had the best sex ever with exMM but once I had stepped away for some time and saw him for what he really was and what everyone had been telling me but I had been too love-struck to see, I was like ewwww. My sister used to tell me he's an old man and I could do so much better, she was repulsed by him and always told me she wants him to leave me alone... well, now I see exactly what she means and I'm rather embarrassed that he had such a spell over me. There were a lot of negatives about him that I used to accept as part of him, or hope would change, but it was very cathartic to think of the bad things about him when I wanted to be done with the affair. Just like in any relationship, I would say - my sister advises to make a list of all the things you hate about the person so that when you are missing them or sad or tempted to contact them, you can re-read it and remember.

 

With an affair though the biggest negatives are the guy's character - he's a liar and a cheat, even if he weren't older, less sophisticated, earns less money, etc., and for me those have become deal-breakers. I would never want him back because he was capable of deceiving both me and his wife of many years.