Where headed?

[pablopedro]

My wife and I had a quick romance, got married, lost jobs, had a daughter, moved halfway across the country to live with her family and it's been one nightmare after another. I'm not sure where to go at this point.

 

I honestly think I'm sticking around and have stuck around because she was pregnant and then because we had our daughter. In the beginning it was sweet and interesting, but there were arguments and signs. I guess I ignored them. Plus she loves being inside, I'm an outside kind of person.

 

Since our daughter was born, i've been searching for a job, taking care of our daughter all day and night, while my wife essentially sleeps most of the day and then watches tv or surfs the internet until it's almost daylight out. She used to get mad at me for going to bed early, but I knew when our daughter would scream, I'd be the one waking up, changing her, feeding her, rocking her back to sleep. It's gotten better to where our daughter sleeps most of the night now, but 5am wake up calls are the norm.

 

I got tired of going to bed with my wife at 4:30 am and then waking up at 5am to a crying baby. And then during the day I would miss interviews, be too exhausted for interviews, etc. Plus I'd be dead tired most of the day and our daughter never slept and still doesn't sleep during the day.

 

Now my wife is pissed that I'm not spending much time with her. And it's constant arguments. She screams. Kicks me. Screams some more. Throws things. If I tell her that she should spend more time with our daughter, she gets even more pissed. So I've learned to let her scream and say very little. But she gets pissed that I'm not communicating. Then she'll tell me to get out and that she's keeping our daughter and I'll only be allowed to see her when she tells me I can see her.

 

I'm at a loss. If we didn't have a daughter, I would have left a long time ago. But I don't know anybody where we live now. No family or friends. No job contacts. It's her family and her mom and dad visit every single night after work. And it's almost like a report card telling them how our daughter is doing or what's dirty, and how we're not doing something right. I have nobody to talk to here, but if I move I'm afraid I'd never see my daughter.

 

My family came to visit once and she got pissed that they wanted to spend hours seeing me and their granddaughter. We actually got into an argument over her wanting me to tell my parents not to stop by. So for the two weeks they were here, the first two days they spent the better part of the morning and afternoon, but after that argument and blow up, they weren't allowed to visit much. Maybe for an hour at night and that's it. So they came for two weeks, and spent most of the time not seeing us. This did piss me off.

And we never go visit them. That's another argument too. And who knows if they can afford to come back and visit. They keep telling me that they'll never see their granddaughter and when are we going to visit. I can't give them an answer. And it's not like she knows them or has any reason to hate them. The only time she ever met them was for those two weeks. She's never talked to them on the phone. We had a quick courthouse wedding, just the two of us and a random court witness, so nobody met anybody.

 

I don't say much because her family has been nice enough to let us stay and my unemployment only goes so far. We buy our own food, buy our daughter her clothes, diapers, formula, etc. We help out when we can.

But it's getting worse and worse. More arguments over stupid crap.

 

I understand the need to spend time with my wife. But she has no drive to do much plus I'm the one who not only has to look for a job and interview, but I'm the one who takes care of our daughter from 5am till 8pm every day. It is rare that my wife actually holds our daughter or spends time with her. I'm the one who takes out the trash, cleans the clothes, washes the dishes, and tries to keep things somewhat clean.

But she'll tell me I don't do anything or I should spend all day with our daughter since I'm not spending it with her or holding her. And it's been like this from almost the beginning.

 

She'll tell me I don't do anything because all I do is put the clothes in the washer and dryer, I don't hand wash them. She'll tell me that I put dishes in the dishwasher, so I'm not really doing much work. When I fold the clothes she complains that I didn't fold them right. Everyday goes along like this for the most part.

 

I will give her credit for cooking food now and again when she is up. But at some point it's become too much. It's like a report card. Everyday is another argument over me not spending time with her. Me not doing this. Me not doing that. And all she does is put me down over and over.

 

I did want to spend more time with her, I did want to be loving to her, be affectionate. But for awhile, she was in pain, then she put me down, then she just slept all day and never spent any time with our daughter. I felt like a single dad. So when 10pm rolled around, I honestly had no energy left. I was depressed not having a job. I was exhausted from not sleeping much and taking care of a very difficult little girl. And then I became annoyed by my wife being condescending all the time and then ridiculing me for not spending time with her.

 

I never go anywhere. I don't talk to my friends on the phone. I dont' know anybody where we live. I'm rarely on the computer. I only watch tv at night with her and it's whatever she wants to watch. I do all the work, except cook. Yet she condemns me for not spending time with her or not saying kind loving words to her.

 

She complains that I don't talk to her. But when I do, she's mean. She gets mad or bored if I speak about my family. She doesn't like it when I speak about interests I might have or job opportunities. She doesn't like it when I talk about our daughter. She doesn't like it when I talk about the news or things we watch on tv. She wants to talk about our relationship. But more how I'm not like some ex she once had, how I'm not hugging her all day, how I don't look at her or lay with her in bed all day.

 

It has started to bother me. I gave up everything and I don't do anything, don't go anywhere, and the only thing I do is take care of our daughter, and try to keep the place clean so her parents won't go crazy about us messing it up. I'll give her a massage every night, but she says thats not enough. I'm fed up.

 

I dont' know what to do at this point. It's like being in hell. Maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know. I guess you normally hear women complain about things like this, but in my case, my wife complains of my lack of attention to her, yet she's the one who sleeps all day, doesn't work, and never spends any time with our daughter. It's too much.

[whichwayisup]

She's either a spoiled brat that needs an intervention from you, and her parents OR she's depressed, has PPD (post pardum depression0 This is not a good situation at all, you both are miserable. Your wife needs help, she has to seek some counselling maybe even go on meds to stablize her moods.

 

Obviously her parents MUST be aware of what's going on? Why not talk to them and see what they say?

[TigerCub]

 

Now my wife is pissed that I'm not spending much time with her. And it's constant arguments. She screams. Kicks me. Screams some more. Throws things. If I tell her that she should spend more time with our daughter, she gets even more pissed. So I've learned to let her scream and say very little. But she gets pissed that I'm not communicating. Then she'll tell me to get out and that she's keeping our daughter and I'll only be allowed to see her when she tells me I can see her.

Maybe when she kicks you and throws things at you, you should call the cops on her and have it on record that she's a violent abusive person - that way, if you ever do leave her, it wont be as easy as she thinks to keep you away from your daughter.

 

My family came to visit once and she got pissed that they wanted to spend hours seeing me and their granddaughter. We actually got into an argument over her wanting me to tell my parents not to stop by. So for the two weeks they were here, the first two days they spent the better part of the morning and afternoon, but after that argument and blow up, they weren't allowed to visit much. Maybe for an hour at night and that's it. So they came for two weeks, and spent most of the time not seeing us. This did piss me off.

 

I'm sorry, but you have no one to blame but yourself for that one - your own parents were NOT allowed to visit?

are you kidding me?!

That only happened because you let it happen.

You're letting this woman walk all over you, that's why she keeps doing it and that's why nothing is changing.

Man up!!

Why are you letting her treat you so badly?

She's screaming at you, kicking you, throwing things at you, criticizing you, she's telling you that you can't see your parents, but at the end, you're letting it happen.

You need to change your own approach to how you deal with her or else nothing is ever going to change.

 

 

I am truly sorry that you're feeling so lost and helpless and it does suck to be in a place where you don't have your friends and family and you have all this stress, and on top of it you're trying to find a job and take care of your daughter, but something's gotta give.

 

As the other poster suggested, perhaps your wife is depressed and if that's the case - she definitely should see a therapist.

 

But as for the other stuff, you really need to get a backbone and stop letting her treat you the way she does.

[pablopedro]

I think she might be bored, but I don't think she's depressed. I've spoken to her family. They thought she'd change after having a baby. Seems like she hasn't. They do say she's spoiled and they might have spoiled her too much as a child. She didn't want to go to school, so they home schooled her.

She's never worked for more than a few weeks in her entire life and she's 30 and has a pHd. And shes' always late. She did have a job interview once, but showed up an hour late. When we lived back where I was working, we had an event scheduled with some of my friends, and she took forever and we wound up an hour late to that too. Even with her own family, the doctors, our daughters appointments, she's always late. And not just 15 minutes late.

 

She blew up at her own family a few times. Her mom told me that it's best just to listen, don't argue anymore, and walk away. After one blow up, they didn't speak for a week or two. Her mom says she's been like this since she was a teenager.

 

As far as my family, I did stand up to her and since she didn't want them around, I took our daughter out with them a few times. But she got pissed about that, told me to leave again, told her mom and I got lectured that I shouldn't be taking a one month old out in public.

 

Arguments are a waste with her. It's her way or the highway and she thinks she knows it all. She is smart, but she's a know it all as well.

Her uncle and father blew up at her one time because she was going on and on and they called her ungrateful. This was before our daughter was even born yet. Back then it was pregnancy hormones as the excuse.

Eventually the excuses need to stop.

 

And I don't think she'll keep me away from my daughter. When she's pissed and angry, maybe, but most of the time she wouldn't stop me from seeing her. But in her mind it would be me coming over to visit when she says for a few hours, maybe going out to the park, then bringing her back. I would want more than a couple hours of week with my daughter. That's also the largest concern. If I get a job out of area, how would I see my daughter and when? If it's only a days drive, i'd drive 24 hours to see my daughter. But if it takes a flight, I'm not sure I could afford flying to see my daughter that often. So I stick around and hope to find a job locally. Hasn't happened.

[AlektraClementine]

She's not going to take your daughter. Who else is going to let her lazy ass sleep all day?

 

Sorry, had to. Come on dude! Stop bending to this miserable person! Stand your ground. Tell her to get with the program or leave you alone. Man, I got irritated just reading your description of her.

 

I'll let you in on a little secret. I have tendencies sometimes that border along your wife's behavior. I'm bossy and selfish and critical in a lot of situations. I've learned to check myself but those tendencies are still there. The worst thing my husband can do for these tendencies is indulge them. When he bends, it becomes perpetual. When he lays down the law, it stops.

 

Your post made me send a text message to him immediately "Have I told you that I appreciate you lately?"

 

Thanks OP, your post hit home.

 

Have you ever said something along the lines of "Honey, your incessant nagging and selfishness is pushing me away. I'm losing interest in these little chats".

 

Try that

[hoping2heal]

My wife and I had a quick romance, got married, lost jobs, had a daughter, moved halfway across the country to live with her family and it's been one nightmare after another. I'm not sure where to go at this point.

 

I honestly think I'm sticking around and have stuck around because she was pregnant and then because we had our daughter. In the beginning it was sweet and interesting, but there were arguments and signs. I guess I ignored them. Plus she loves being inside, I'm an outside kind of person.

 

Since our daughter was born, i've been searching for a job, taking care of our daughter all day and night, while my wife essentially sleeps most of the day and then watches tv or surfs the internet until it's almost daylight out. She used to get mad at me for going to bed early, but I knew when our daughter would scream, I'd be the one waking up, changing her, feeding her, rocking her back to sleep. It's gotten better to where our daughter sleeps most of the night now, but 5am wake up calls are the norm.

 

I got tired of going to bed with my wife at 4:30 am and then waking up at 5am to a crying baby. And then during the day I would miss interviews, be too exhausted for interviews, etc. Plus I'd be dead tired most of the day and our daughter never slept and still doesn't sleep during the day.

 

Now my wife is pissed that I'm not spending much time with her. And it's constant arguments. She screams. Kicks me. Screams some more. Throws things. If I tell her that she should spend more time with our daughter, she gets even more pissed. So I've learned to let her scream and say very little. But she gets pissed that I'm not communicating. Then she'll tell me to get out and that she's keeping our daughter and I'll only be allowed to see her when she tells me I can see her.

 

I'm at a loss. If we didn't have a daughter, I would have left a long time ago. But I don't know anybody where we live now. No family or friends. No job contacts. It's her family and her mom and dad visit every single night after work. And it's almost like a report card telling them how our daughter is doing or what's dirty, and how we're not doing something right. I have nobody to talk to here, but if I move I'm afraid I'd never see my daughter.

 

My family came to visit once and she got pissed that they wanted to spend hours seeing me and their granddaughter. We actually got into an argument over her wanting me to tell my parents not to stop by. So for the two weeks they were here, the first two days they spent the better part of the morning and afternoon, but after that argument and blow up, they weren't allowed to visit much. Maybe for an hour at night and that's it. So they came for two weeks, and spent most of the time not seeing us. This did piss me off.

And we never go visit them. That's another argument too. And who knows if they can afford to come back and visit. They keep telling me that they'll never see their granddaughter and when are we going to visit. I can't give them an answer. And it's not like she knows them or has any reason to hate them. The only time she ever met them was for those two weeks. She's never talked to them on the phone. We had a quick courthouse wedding, just the two of us and a random court witness, so nobody met anybody.

 

I don't say much because her family has been nice enough to let us stay and my unemployment only goes so far. We buy our own food, buy our daughter her clothes, diapers, formula, etc. We help out when we can.

But it's getting worse and worse. More arguments over stupid crap.

 

I understand the need to spend time with my wife. But she has no drive to do much plus I'm the one who not only has to look for a job and interview, but I'm the one who takes care of our daughter from 5am till 8pm every day. It is rare that my wife actually holds our daughter or spends time with her. I'm the one who takes out the trash, cleans the clothes, washes the dishes, and tries to keep things somewhat clean.

But she'll tell me I don't do anything or I should spend all day with our daughter since I'm not spending it with her or holding her. And it's been like this from almost the beginning.

 

She'll tell me I don't do anything because all I do is put the clothes in the washer and dryer, I don't hand wash them. She'll tell me that I put dishes in the dishwasher, so I'm not really doing much work. When I fold the clothes she complains that I didn't fold them right. Everyday goes along like this for the most part.

 

I will give her credit for cooking food now and again when she is up. But at some point it's become too much. It's like a report card. Everyday is another argument over me not spending time with her. Me not doing this. Me not doing that. And all she does is put me down over and over.

 

I did want to spend more time with her, I did want to be loving to her, be affectionate. But for awhile, she was in pain, then she put me down, then she just slept all day and never spent any time with our daughter. I felt like a single dad. So when 10pm rolled around, I honestly had no energy left. I was depressed not having a job. I was exhausted from not sleeping much and taking care of a very difficult little girl. And then I became annoyed by my wife being condescending all the time and then ridiculing me for not spending time with her.

 

I never go anywhere. I don't talk to my friends on the phone. I dont' know anybody where we live. I'm rarely on the computer. I only watch tv at night with her and it's whatever she wants to watch. I do all the work, except cook. Yet she condemns me for not spending time with her or not saying kind loving words to her.

 

She complains that I don't talk to her. But when I do, she's mean. She gets mad or bored if I speak about my family. She doesn't like it when I speak about interests I might have or job opportunities. She doesn't like it when I talk about our daughter. She doesn't like it when I talk about the news or things we watch on tv. She wants to talk about our relationship. But more how I'm not like some ex she once had, how I'm not hugging her all day, how I don't look at her or lay with her in bed all day.

 

It has started to bother me. I gave up everything and I don't do anything, don't go anywhere, and the only thing I do is take care of our daughter, and try to keep the place clean so her parents won't go crazy about us messing it up. I'll give her a massage every night, but she says thats not enough. I'm fed up.

 

I dont' know what to do at this point. It's like being in hell. Maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know. I guess you normally hear women complain about things like this, but in my case, my wife complains of my lack of attention to her, yet she's the one who sleeps all day, doesn't work, and never spends any time with our daughter. It's too much.

 

The way your wife has been behaving is disgusting, childish, and selfish.

 

The next time she brings up the fact you need to spend more time with her, I hope you will assert yourself and tell her that she needs to go to bed at night and be up during the day to help care for your daughter. That is not a suggestion. She is a mother and it is part of her responsibility to care for that child. Seeing as how she does not work nor is actively seeking work, there is really no excuse in the world for her not to be spending more time helping around the household and caring for that little baby.

 

You mention she screams, kicks, and throws things. An attempt to control you from where I see it, which is the cornerstone of an abusive relationship. She also seems to use your daughter to control you.

 

I can see this getting very slippery. She seems to know exactly how to pull the strings that make you dance. If she cannot clean her act up I do not see any reason for you staying.

 

I think the chances are slim she will shape up but this is your relationship. You need to start documenting everything, so that if you decide to leave you have some concrete evidence to build your case for your daughter. You may or may not get full custody of her but don't let her threaten you with "never seeing her" she's calling your bluff. She can't just yank all of your custody rights away.

 

The last thing you or your daughter needs is an abusive relationship to be caught in the middle of. I think it can only get worse from here on out, especially since she knows how to exercise control. That is the very first thing that must go - STOP letting her control you. Don't do things just because she yells, screams, and hits. Stand up and assert yourself.

[hoping2heal]

She's not going to take your daughter. Who else is going to let her lazy ass sleep all day?

 

LMAO That is precisely what I thought when reading the post.

 

Sorry, had to. Come on dude! Stop bending to this miserable person! Stand your ground. Tell her to get with the program or leave you alone. Man, I got irritated just reading your description of her.

 

I'll let you in on a little secret. I have tendencies sometimes that border along your wife's behavior. I'm bossy and selfish and critical in a lot of situations. I've learned to check myself but those tendencies are still there. The worst thing my husband can do for these tendencies is indulge them. When he bends, it becomes perpetual. When he lays down the law, it stops.

 

Your post made me send a text message to him immediately "Have I told you that I appreciate you lately?"

 

Thanks OP, your post hit home.

 

Have you ever said something along the lines of "Honey, your incessant nagging and selfishness is pushing me away. I'm losing interest in these little chats".

 

Try that

 

I agree that indulging is the absolute worst thing he can do.

[quankanne]

change the gender of the OP and his spouse, and you've pretty much got a classic case of physical and psychological abuse, IMO, and you really need to seek outside help to get out of the relationship. Because her own family even admits she's not going to change ...

 

the suggestion to call the cops when she starts hitting you is one you seriously need to consider, so that they can document the physical abuse. There are shelters for abused partners, so keep that in mind in the event you need to bolt, and hopefully go back with your family. Because honey ... this is not healthy. For you OR the baby. Or even your wife ...

[hoping2heal]

I think she might be bored, but I don't think she's depressed. I've spoken to her family. They thought she'd change after having a baby. Seems like she hasn't. They do say she's spoiled and they might have spoiled her too much as a child. She didn't want to go to school, so they home schooled her.

 

Well this makes perfect sense. She grew up learning how to manipulate from GO and her parents constantly fostered and enabled her manipulation. Yeah big fat problem there.

 

She's never worked for more than a few weeks in her entire life and she's 30 and has a pHd. And shes' always late. She did have a job interview once, but showed up an hour late. When we lived back where I was working, we had an event scheduled with some of my friends, and she took forever and we wound up an hour late to that too. Even with her own family, the doctors, our daughters appointments, she's always late. And not just 15 minutes late.

 

She has a what? A phd? A real one? Not a photoshopped one she printed off the computer? People with PHd's everywhere must feel so insulted right now. I mean I'm baffled. Where did she have the motivation to have her **** together for 8+ years to earn a ph.d yet she cannot even be bothered to care for her child or contribute to her marriage? I'm just stunned. I have a theory about people who are chronically late. While it certainly kind of expresses that you are a flake, it says a lot about how self important you think you are. It makes sense where she would get that idea- look at how she was raised?

 

She blew up at her own family a few times. Her mom told me that it's best just to listen, don't argue anymore, and walk away. After one blow up, they didn't speak for a week or two. Her mom says she's been like this since she was a teenager.

 

Yep, see? The mother totally plays into her daughters manipulative bullsh*t. No acknowledgement that what her daughter does is WRONG and no standing up to her.

 

As far as my family, I did stand up to her and since she didn't want them around, I took our daughter out with them a few times. But she got pissed about that, told me to leave again, told her mom and I got lectured that I shouldn't be taking a one month old out in public.

 

Oh my God. No one should be lecturing you. You are the FATHER. Wow, well it's pretty clear to see where this little charmer got her ways from.

 

Arguments are a waste with her. It's her way or the highway and she thinks she knows it all. She is smart, but she's a know it all as well.

Her uncle and father blew up at her one time because she was going on and on and they called her ungrateful. This was before our daughter was even born yet. Back then it was pregnancy hormones as the excuse.

Eventually the excuses need to stop.

 

Ah, one of those. Book smart but when it comes to people, wisdom, and maturity? Dumb as a nail in a board. Of course, it's a little hard for her to know that when she grew up in an environment that encouraged her to be a manipulative and self entitled being. She is totally self centered and has had the perfect setup to be so.

 

And I don't think she'll keep me away from my daughter. When she's pissed and angry, maybe, but most of the time she wouldn't stop me from seeing her. But in her mind it would be me coming over to visit when she says for a few hours, maybe going out to the park, then bringing her back. I would want more than a couple hours of week with my daughter. That's also the largest concern. If I get a job out of area, how would I see my daughter and when? If it's only a days drive, i'd drive 24 hours to see my daughter. But if it takes a flight, I'm not sure I could afford flying to see my daughter that often. So I stick around and hope to find a job locally. Hasn't happened.

 

Why is Mrs. Ph.d not out looking for a job? Are you also college educated? How long did you date prior to marriage?

[pablopedro]

Thanks for all the responses.

 

I've stood up to her before, said my piece, and things would just get worse.

I've learned to just say I'm sorry, nod, conform, and keep the peace.

It's not good, but at this point, it sure as hell beats arguing over every damn thing every day. There is no standing ground with her. If you do it's become a long drawn out argument that won't ever be forgotten. And she'll bring it up again months later. Or she'll give me the cold shoulder and then get pissed a day or two later that I let her stew.

 

And the truth is, while it's tough doing everything like looking for a job, interviewing on the phone, and taking care of our daughter, most of the time I'd rather she did sleep all day. Because the few times she did get up early or just didn't go to sleep, I had to take care of our daughter anyway, or if I went to use the computer or do something, she got pissed I wasn't with her.

And spending time with her means laying in bed with her. Staring at her. Talking to her. Cuddling. But she wants this 24/7. Watching tv shows she wants to watch while massaging her doesn't really count. Going to a restaurant or kissing/hugging her in public doesn't count. I like PDA sometimes. She's not against it, but it doesn't count on her meter of spending time with her.

 

One time I was studying and practicing some tutorial on my computer. I've been out of work for awhile and I try to keep my skills up to date and figure if something new comes out, I should learn it or at least try to figure out what it's all about. Well, that didn't go well. She got pissed that I spent a few hours on the computer and not with her. That argument lasted hours and hours till the wee hours in the morning. And so it goes.

 

Hell when we were dating I took her on a romantic weekend and she complained the entire time the place sucked. And then she brought up some story about my ex-gf and wanted to know details. Seems my wifes friend didn't believe what I said. I met my wifes friend once or twice, never really talk to her. She seems like a loner. Single. Spoiled but not as bad and just a person who condemns everybody but never really lives.

I know it was some stupid argument, my wife, then just seriously dating, got jealous or pissed, and an argument went on for hours. Next day we are checking out of the hotel and I come back and she's gone. Missing.

Seems she was still pissed over who knows what and she didnt' want to be around me.

 

We were like 4 or 5 hours away from anybody we knew. So I drove around, went looking for her, called her, and nothing. Finally she answered and told me to go home, she'll get a ride. Yeah right. She doesn't exactly have friends who would drive 4 hours out of the way for her. I finally kept calling her, talking to her, an found her. And we went our way. But I was confused and pissed. Anyway, things like this happen often. One time she got pissed that I found some job online that she might like. She was in an uproar and actually walked out of the mall.

I had enough then. And I actually drove home. It was only like 20 minutes, but it was ridiculous. She didnt' want to work. So she got pissed I found something interesting for her. This was when we were just dating. I did go back, call her, find her, picked her up, but again, things like this happened often. Long before we were married or had a kid.

 

I don't know why I really stuck around. We've had these arguments since day one. Hell she even told me that she didn't like me on our first date. Or second. it was just a free meal and free broadway show. We were different. She thought I was cute, but not hot like other guys. She thought I was more meat and potatoes and not fine wine. All things she's told me over the two years. And when other people ask how we met and our story, that's what she says. And it does bother me. I mean you tell people that I never really liked the guy, but grew to like him, kind of hurts. Especially when she really never says shining things about me. I'm nice. I'm a good guy. I'm a good father. I'm good looking. Superficial compliments.

 

And the funny thing is she was late for our first date. We were supposed to meet up around noon and we didn't wind up getting together until 6pm. The sad truth is I was planning on dumping her. we were supposed to get married, something happened and we didn't, and then things went along with a plan for the future.

 

I kept asking her out though. For a second date. Then third. There was one time where I was going to just say screw this. Seemed she was playing games and dating around. Not a problem, but she was always sneaky about times, dates, etc. But we kept talking, and she seemed smart, interesting and not like most girls i met. At least not like all the girls I met at the clubs or bars.

 

 

Anyway, the sad truth is I was soo pissed often and we went in for an ultrasound. I was hoping she wasn't pregnant. I wanted out. It's the honest truth. But we saw the picture and she was pregnant. And so I did the responsible thing and tried to change. Be a better person. I didn't need to hang out with my friends. I wouldn't make jokes or be a comical person. It's who I've been my whole life but she hated it. So I stopped clowning around. And I know to this day I sometimes look in the mirror and don't even know who I am anymore. But i did it for our daughter.

 

She is a good person. She's smart. She has a huge heart. But she's lazy. She's spoiled. And she's a brat who thinks she knows it all. And I'm not the only person who has told her this. She likes to get up in peoples faces about people needing to have a real life. She thinks people who go to clubs or bars are losers. People who use social media or computers are hiding from reality. She hates when people ask the "what do you do" comment and doesn't think work should define what people think about somebody. And she'll ridicule you to the bone if you have an opinion about something, but if you question her opinion,she gets pissed and calls you negative.

 

As far as the Phd....well there are plenty of spoiled brats who wound up with Phds. There are plenty of jokes to go around about graduate school students and kids who don't want to work or join the real world. I've met some of the other students she went to school with. I've met a lot of her parents friends kids. A lot of them have the same attitudes. It's almost like they go to school so they don't have to join the real world and work for a living. It took her like 6 years or something to finish. And the only reason she did it cause her dad got her into the school and she had nothing else to do. And it was free. Like I said, she is very smart. Always researching, always surfing the net and learning things. But she's extremely lazy and negative.

 

And her mom and dad go to bat for her. I mean really go to bat.

They brag about a time when she was younger and they got a few teachers fired. They even had enough pull to have a principle get into trouble. And the reason was that she failed some test, missed tons of assignments and days, was in danger of failing, and didn't agree with the teachers.

They live in a realm where the education system stinks, teachers aren't doing good jobs, etc etc etc. Her family is very critical of everybody else.

 

Hell when I first met her parents, they didn't ask anything about me, they wanted to know what my parents did, where they went to college, what my brothers and sisters do, where they go to school, etc. And her aunts and uncles ask the same questions. And if you dont' have a masters degree and have nice things, they look down on you. So it's always been uncomfortable. Especially considering nobody would really call any of them that successful or elite. But that's how they look at everybody.

 

So I've learned to just keep my mouth shut. I graduated college, but it's not from some ivy league school and my parents never went to college. They are blue collar. Not exactly something her or her family think highly of. It's always been an uphill battle and defending my parents gets old.

They were never that great as parents, but at the same time, I have gotten pissed when my wife and her family think they are gods gift to humanity.

 

Sorry for the long winded post. As far as her looking for a job, well she doesn't want to be stuck in a dead end job or a job where she's forced to answer to a manager and be someplace 9-5. So she looks for work, once a month, that would allow her to work from home or allow her to travel from place to place and be some kind of counselor or adviser or tutor. But again, even when she gets interviews, she's late. And she can be brutally honest but stupid. She'll cut up people and who wants to listen to that in an interview. Hell if she found a job that paid decent money, I'd stay home and be a stay at home father. But i just don't see that happening.

Edited December 2, 2010 by pablopedro

[hoping2heal]

Thanks for all the responses.

 

I've stood up to her before, said my piece, and things would just get worse.

I've learned to just say I'm sorry, nod, conform, and keep the peace.

It's not good, but at this point, it sure as hell beats arguing over every damn thing every day. There is no standing ground with her. If you do it's become a long drawn out argument that won't ever be forgotten. And she'll bring it up again months later. Or she'll give me the cold shoulder and then get pissed a day or two later that I let her stew.

 

Uh-huh. Just like her Parents did ever since she was a child. Little miss muffet is upset? Ah, let's go right ahead and re-order the universe to suit her and that they did. They too thought it was better than arguing every damn day and putting up with her fits. You know what this is? She is that kid in the toy aisle when I take my nephew, throwing himself on the ground, screaming at the top of his lungs. You are his Mother bending down and telling him "Okay, you can get the lego set, just stop acting like that."

 

I can understand the arguing being irritating, maddening, and jarring. However, you are only worsening the problem and making it more difficult on yourself. Just like that mother in the toy aisle, cause you know what? Now every time that child wants something? He's going to do what worked that day in the toy store. That is how that woman was raised and treated for 30 years of her life. She uses those tactics on you because it works ..on you, her parents, and I imagine most anyone else she needs it too. If she wants to argue? Let her argue. Let her get wild and out of control, and if she turns physical? Call the police, get documentation of what is happening. Get involved in an advocacy network for abused spouses, they can provide you with plenty of resources.

 

And the truth is, while it's tough doing everything like looking for a job, interviewing on the phone, and taking care of our daughter, most of the time I'd rather she did sleep all day. Because the few times she did get up early or just didn't go to sleep, I had to take care of our daughter anyway, or if I went to use the computer or do something, she got pissed I wasn't with her.

And spending time with her means laying in bed with her. Staring at her. Talking to her. Cuddling. But she wants this 24/7. Watching tv shows she wants to watch while massaging her doesn't really count. Going to a restaurant or kissing/hugging her in public doesn't count. I like PDA sometimes. She's not against it, but it doesn't count on her meter of spending time with her.

 

It is understandable that you would rather her sleep and be out of your hair. It is still very wrong and dysfunctional. Does she return these things for you? Does she let you choose your favorite shows, too and massage you? Does she do the kind of things you like doing, so that she can be spending time with you on "your meter"?

She seems to believe people were created as a means to serve her almighty ass. :rolleyes:

 

One time I was studying and practicing some tutorial on my computer. I've been out of work for awhile and I try to keep my skills up to date and figure if something new comes out, I should learn it or at least try to figure out what it's all about. Well, that didn't go well. She got pissed that I spent a few hours on the computer and not with her. That argument lasted hours and hours till the wee hours in the morning. And so it goes.

 

Hell when we were dating I took her on a romantic weekend and she complained the entire time the place sucked. And then she brought up some story about my ex-gf and wanted to know details. Seems my wifes friend didn't believe what I said. I met my wifes friend once or twice, never really talk to her. She seems like a loner. Single. Spoiled but not as bad and just a person who condemns everybody but never really lives.

I know it was some stupid argument, my wife, then just seriously dating, got jealous or pissed, and an argument went on for hours. Next day we are checking out of the hotel and I come back and she's gone. Missing.

Seems she was still pissed over who knows what and she didnt' want to be around me.

 

So her friend is just like her? Yes, I'm sure she is a loner. How many people can you think of would want to be friends with someone like that or your wife?

 

We were like 4 or 5 hours away from anybody we knew. So I drove around, went looking for her, called her, and nothing. Finally she answered and told me to go home, she'll get a ride. Yeah right. She doesn't exactly have friends who would drive 4 hours out of the way for her. I finally kept calling her, talking to her, an found her. And we went our way. But I was confused and pissed. Anyway, things like this happen often. One time she got pissed that I found some job online that she might like. She was in an uproar and actually walked out of the mall.

I had enough then. And I actually drove home. It was only like 20 minutes, but it was ridiculous. She didnt' want to work. So she got pissed I found something interesting for her. This was when we were just dating. I did go back, call her, find her, picked her up, but again, things like this happened often. Long before we were married or had a kid.

 

I don't know why I really stuck around. We've had these arguments since day one. Hell she even told me that she didn't like me on our first date. Or second. it was just a free meal and free broadway show. We were different. She thought I was cute, but not hot like other guys. She thought I was more meat and potatoes and not fine wine. All things she's told me over the two years. And when other people ask how we met and our story, that's what she says. And it does bother me. I mean you tell people that I never really liked the guy, but grew to like him, kind of hurts. Especially when she really never says shining things about me. I'm nice. I'm a good guy. I'm a good father. I'm good looking. Superficial compliments.

 

And the funny thing is she was late for our first date. We were supposed to meet up around noon and we didn't wind up getting together until 6pm. The sad truth is I was planning on dumping her. we were supposed to get married, something happened and we didn't, and then things went along with a plan for the future.

 

I kept asking her out though. For a second date. Then third. There was one time where I was going to just say screw this. Seemed she was playing games and dating around. Not a problem, but she was always sneaky about times, dates, etc. But we kept talking, and she seemed smart, interesting and not like most girls i met. At least not like all the girls I met at the clubs or bars.

 

 

Anyway, the sad truth is I was soo pissed often and we went in for an ultrasound. I was hoping she wasn't pregnant. I wanted out. It's the honest truth. But we saw the picture and she was pregnant. And so I did the responsible thing and tried to change. Be a better person. I didn't need to hang out with my friends. I wouldn't make jokes or be a comical person. It's who I've been my whole life but she hated it. So I stopped clowning around. And I know to this day I sometimes look in the mirror and don't even know who I am anymore. But i did it for our daughter.

 

Okay so in other words, you cannot be yourself with her and she's pretty much humiliated, disrespected, and treated you like horse crap since GO.

 

She is a good person. She's smart. She has a huge heart. But she's lazy. She's spoiled. And she's a brat who thinks she knows it all. And I'm not the only person who has told her this. She likes to get up in peoples faces about people needing to have a real life. She thinks people who go to clubs or bars are losers. People who use social media or computers are hiding from reality. She hates when people ask the "what do you do" comment and doesn't think work should define what people think about somebody. And she'll ridicule you to the bone if you have an opinion about something, but if you question her opinion,she gets pissed and calls you negative.

 

She's a good person and has a huge heart? Okay, perhaps you and I define that by two different standards. She sounds like a big bully. She humiliates you and others, she tries to control and is manipulative to the hilt. She doesn't even sound NICE let alone "has a huge heart." What huge hearted thing has she done? By all means, name at least 5..because I need to understand the Mrs. Hyde that lives with Mrs. Jekkyl.

 

As far as the Phd....well there are plenty of spoiled brats who wound up with Phds. There are plenty of jokes to go around about graduate school students and kids who don't want to work or join the real world. I've met some of the other students she went to school with. I've met a lot of her parents friends kids. A lot of them have the same attitudes. It's almost like they go to school so they don't have to join the real world and work for a living. It took her like 6 years or something to finish. And the only reason she did it cause her dad got her into the school and she had nothing else to do. And it was free. Like I said, she is very smart. Always researching, always surfing the net and learning things. But she's extremely lazy and negative.

 

And her mom and dad go to bat for her. I mean really go to bat.

They brag about a time when she was younger and they got a few teachers fired. They even had enough pull to have a principle get into trouble. And the reason was that she failed some test, missed tons of assignments and days, was in danger of failing, and didn't agree with the teachers.

They live in a realm where the education system stinks, teachers aren't doing good jobs, etc etc etc. Her family is very critical of everybody else.

 

Hell when I first met her parents, they didn't ask anything about me, they wanted to know what my parents did, where they went to college, what my brothers and sisters do, where they go to school, etc. And her aunts and uncles ask the same questions. And if you dont' have a masters degree and have nice things, they look down on you. So it's always been uncomfortable. Especially considering nobody would really call any of them that successful or elite. But that's how they look at everybody.

 

So I've learned to just keep my mouth shut. I graduated college, but it's not from some ivy league school and my parents never went to college. They are blue collar. Not exactly something her or her family think highly of. It's always been an uphill battle and defending my parents gets old.

They were never that great as parents, but at the same time, I have gotten pissed when my wife and her family think they are gods gift to humanity.

 

Sorry for the long winded post. As far as her looking for a job, well she doesn't want to be stuck in a dead end job or a job where she's forced to answer to a manager and be someplace 9-5. So she looks for work, once a month, that would allow her to work from home or allow her to travel from place to place and be some kind of counselor or adviser or tutor. But again, even when she gets interviews, she's late. And she can be brutally honest but stupid. She'll cut up people and who wants to listen to that in an interview. Hell if she found a job that paid decent money, I'd stay home and be a stay at home father. But i just don't see that happening.

 

What a nightmare anyway, how long do you think you can handle this before you snap and break? It is only going to get worse. You are extremely oppressed, being controlled, abused. I mean, just wow.

[pablopedro]

Just like most people, she has her good moments and bad moments.

There might be days of peacefulness and decent conversation. But you're always walking on egg shells. And even if there is no blow up, sometimes you get a sense she's looking for an argument and it's going to blow soon enough.

 

I try to run with my daughter. She has a nice stroller and we go out jogging sometimes. Sort of blows off steam in a way. But how much can you really blow off?

 

At this point, I do think she has a kind heart, but I just don't think she's capable of being in a relationship, at least not with me. It seems she wants more of a lap dog instead of a husband. Last weekend she woke up early with me, but it's almost better if she didn't wake up. There were no arguments, but she starts going on "i have to clean." Which means she folds the clothes after I put them in the washer and dryer. Sometimes she'll do the whole process, but not often. But it's like she just doesn't want to do a damn thing. I just rolled my eyes and took care of our daughter.

 

 

Then she went back to sleep and wanted me to go to sleep. We've been down this game before. Even before our daughter. I hate feeling like my day is wasted. I like getting up at a decent hour and having the whole day ahead of me. Things to do, etc. And now, I also know our daughter doesn't sleep all day and needs to be taken care of. So there aren't arguments anymore, but I think she has resentments. I'm sorry but if it's 10am and you want to go back to sleep until 3-4pm, and it gets dark at 5, it's just a waste to me. And that's once in a while when she happens to come to bed at like 3am. Most often she'll go to bed at like 6 or 7 when our daughter gets up and I'm up for the day.

 

As far as how long will this last, I'm just keeping the peace until I find a way to get out of this mess and be able to see my daughter. I don't want to take some job a few hours away or more and not see my daughter for months.

[AlektraClementine]

So you've made up your mind then?

 

You're hanging in there until you can afford to get out and still see your daughter?

 

Sounds like a closed case to me.

[hoping2heal]

Just like most people, she has her good moments and bad moments.

There might be days of peacefulness and decent conversation. But you're always walking on egg shells. And even if there is no blow up, sometimes you get a sense she's looking for an argument and it's going to blow soon enough.

 

I try to run with my daughter. She has a nice stroller and we go out jogging sometimes. Sort of blows off steam in a way. But how much can you really blow off?

 

At this point, I do think she has a kind heart, but I just don't think she's capable of being in a relationship, at least not with me. It seems she wants more of a lap dog instead of a husband. Last weekend she woke up early with me, but it's almost better if she didn't wake up. There were no arguments, but she starts going on "i have to clean." Which means she folds the clothes after I put them in the washer and dryer. Sometimes she'll do the whole process, but not often. But it's like she just doesn't want to do a damn thing. I just rolled my eyes and took care of our daughter.

 

 

Then she went back to sleep and wanted me to go to sleep. We've been down this game before. Even before our daughter. I hate feeling like my day is wasted. I like getting up at a decent hour and having the whole day ahead of me. Things to do, etc. And now, I also know our daughter doesn't sleep all day and needs to be taken care of. So there aren't arguments anymore, but I think she has resentments. I'm sorry but if it's 10am and you want to go back to sleep until 3-4pm, and it gets dark at 5, it's just a waste to me. And that's once in a while when she happens to come to bed at like 3am. Most often she'll go to bed at like 6 or 7 when our daughter gets up and I'm up for the day.

 

As far as how long will this last, I'm just keeping the peace until I find a way to get out of this mess and be able to see my daughter. I don't want to take some job a few hours away or more and not see my daughter for months.

 

If you were to do some research on abusive relationships, you might be surprised to realise how many of the things you've shared with us are direct signs of an abusive relationship, and you may even find more. I hope you will take advantage of the resources available for helping you get out of this and you are able to quickly get something worked out. I can understand what a pull the daughter has for you, but you don't want your daughter growing up in the midst of an abusive relationship either. Best of luck to you.

[pablopedro]

I would say some of what she does is over the top. But I've seen her have heated arguments with her parents. She screams, paces, screams some more and her parents really don't say much. A couple of times her mom got upset and did say stuff, but more in an upset way, then in a yelling way.

 

And it sucks for me because obviously they all have long heated issues that need to be resolved. I just stay quiet and dont' get in the middle. I don't know them well and they don't know me, and then we get home and she gets pissed at me for not defending her. Sometimes I don' want to overstep my bounds because the conversations and arguments have nothing to do with me or us. It's parent-child arguments. And they happen often too. Not every day or even every week, but a couple of times a month. But her parents have learned to stay away or not upset her I guess.

 

Like I said, I've stuck around for our daughter. And I'm landing more interviews and hoping something turns up where I get to get away and still see my daughter on a weekly basis.

 

Even this morning, she stayed up till like 10am. Never went to sleep. And she was watching some show and I made a comment about one of the actors. She didnt' like what I said and started to go off. Said i was cynical. And at this point, I've been keeping my mouth shut, been taking care of our daughter, interviewing, and just waiting. But I've been bothered but just want to keep the peace. Walking on egg shells I guess.

 

Well, I guess it was too much and I got up and told her that i won't say anything anymore. My opinion should never be heard about any topic. I didn't get loud or anything, but I walked out of the room and she got mad.

 

So she went nuts, got up in my face, started insulting me, talking down to me, threatening me, and I just nodded and said i was sorry for being cynical. It was a two word comment about some actor I dont' think is that good. And then like always she goes into everything and anything that might have happened since forever. She went on about my complaints about no jobs, complaints about no money, complaints about our daughter being difficult sometimes, etc. I said I'll stop complaining.

Then she got mad, said I wasn't sorry, and walked off.

 

She came back, I said i was sorry, and she didn't believe me.

But at this point, I'm just holding off till I get out. I'm tired of her getting mad and going psycho if I have an opinion about something. I mean if I can't talk to her about my concerns, my worries, my complaints, my hopes, dreams, etc, what the hell is the point? I normally try to talk to her about job possibilities, good or bad. Some interviews go well. Some not so well. Some companies seem great. Others not so much. But it seems she only remembers the negative comments I make and is tired of hearing me talk about no jobs, no money, etc.

 

Then she got pissed when I told her I had a phone interview and couldn't argue anymore. She went off that all i care about is money, blah blah.

Yeah we are broke, have bills to pay, and she isn't looking for a job. Go figure. I told her we have bills to pay and that just went over her head I guess. Or it didn't matter. She went off to bed and yelled that a job won't make me happy.

 

Anyway, guess I just needed to rant. Sometimes i might complain about our situation but it's never about her or our daughter. It's about no jobs. Lack of jobs. Lack of money. Bill collectors. Etc. But it is stressing me out and i guess she just doesn't care. Except she does want her bills paid on time so her credit doesn't get ruined. And she sure doesn't pay for them. And the truth is, she complains far more than me when it comes to having no money, being stuck near her family, etc. And many times she'll throw the "my family helps us out" lines and puts me down even more. Then when I do find a job that I might like and seems good, the fact it might be near her family, she gets pissed. But I didn't mention that and didn't bring it up. It would lead to more arguments.

 

Just waiting for something good to come so I can leave because I've really had enough at this point. No matter what I do, it's wrong or second guessed. And I can never have an opinion that is different than her. And it's not just a "you're wrong" kind of conversation after that.

Edited December 8, 2010 by pablopedro

[UnsureinSeattle]

Jesus, dude. You're a human being- deserving of respect. Regardless of your situation with her, there's no need to allow someone to be that just plain abusive to you. I'm really sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but nothing is worth the emotional abuse she's putting you thru. I know it's kind of pointless to hear from some guy you don't know on the internet, but stay strong...!

[pablopedro]

Obviously I'm not a perfect person. I used to joke around way too often. With everybody. I flirted. But she got annoyed and i don't even remember the last time I joked with her or did something to make her laugh. Then she will rag on some tv show about how some guy has a sense of humor unlike me. And i just roll my eyes. It does irritate me though.

 

And today when she was yelling in my face, I just backed away. I was gonna just say I don't want to be here. The only reason I am is because of our daughter. But didn't. She just calls me a miserable person who can't be happy. I used to be a care free laid back person who laughed a lot, made a lot of jokes, was active, had a lot of friends, went out a lot.

 

Obviously with a child, things change. But sometimes I do get mad as I've sacrificed everything. I traded in my expensive car that took years for me to finally get, so we'd have more of a family oriented structure and save money. I don't see or talk to my friends much. I rarely use my computer or tv. And when we watch tv, it's shows she's recorded. Shows I don't really like. We don't go out. I offered to take her out to dinner a few times when her parents babysat, but she didn't want to go anywhere. She hates it here. I've given up job interviews far away so I could stay with her and our daughter when she was first born. And i didn't want to suddenly leave her all alone. Plus she got pissed I was even interviewing then. Yet, She really hasn't changed. The only things she ever says is she used to go out on all these dates with random men far away from her family before she met me. I'm not sure how the hell that's a sacrifice.

 

Sometimes I do try and make it work for our daughter. But it's more like I'm on already broken egg shells just hoping she doesn't explode. And then going through the whole staying quiet and not saying much and then she gets even more pissed routine. If I walk away or out or don't deal with her screaming, she gets even more pissed.

 

I'm just tired really.