Fresh breakup problems

[cantstandit]

Think I originally posted this in the wrong spot.

 

My wife of 8 1/2 years and I split apart about a month ago. We currently still live in our house together, but things have been very difficult for me.

 

For the last year or so of our marriage she had been very elusive physically and emotionally. She began chatting with one of her childhood friends (male) online which made me very jealous. When we split, it was her doing. She said she didn't think she loved me anymore but that she was probably going to be upset with herself later for letting such a great man go. She said she was confused with what she wants, but has immediately started flirting with the OM and making plans to date him at some point.

 

Until this point I was trying to fix things between us. Every time I see her now she just smiles at me and is very nice and polite which kills me. I feel like my heart and gut are twisting around. How can she be so carefree when our 11 year relationship is over?

 

She has PTSD, depression and bpd (jesus she sounds like a head case), so I thought maybe she was genuinely confused about what she wants. However, after seeing her genuinely smile and giggle while talking to this other guy, I think its over. I don't want to think that and I find myself thinking of ways to get her back, but thats what I truly believe.

 

Our family obligations for thanksgiving fell through, so we're supposed to make and eat dinner together tomorrow. She says she's excited to cook with me because we always loved doing that together, but it's spinning my head around. She'll say something like that and my heart will swell and then she wont say anything to me for hours (probably days if I never approached her) and it makes me plunge downward again.

 

We're not legally separated yet, so I don't know what to do about the house. She said she doesn't want either of us to move out yet until we decide for sure what we (she) want(s).

 

All signs point to "no" (god I hate admitting that), but I still feel a connection with her. I feel sick thinking about her with another man, but I feel like fighting would just drive her away or make her resent me. What do I do with my life now?

[karnak]

Do you have kids?

[I am Broken]

Wow,

 

I just went through a similar problem. My wife did the same thing to me except we don't live together and my attempt a reconciliation failed. She withdrew from me during a emotional affair she was having with someone she met online. I also withdrew from her because I thought she needed space to figure out her mid-mid-life crisis. Well long story short after she moved out I figured out what our marital issues stemmed from. And now I regret not going to marital counseling while we still lived together. So go to marital counseling together! If you all have a chance at all, the emotional affair must be addressed.

 

Good Luck

[cantstandit]

We've spoken a few times since then about the end of our marriage. She says that at her current juncture she doesn't want to get back together with me, but that it may all change soon. She says shes confused about what she really wants, but that the problems we were having (sexual, etc) were making her unhappy and she has no desire to go back to that.

 

I dont know how to take that. I feel like she's keeping me around as a safety net just in case she decides she doesn't want to be with this OM. I've confronted her about this and she says no, she just doesn't know what she wants right now. She doesn't even want a physical relationship with the guy right now, just flirting and sexually charged convos and maybe later they can date. Ugh, that disgusts me to type.

 

Tonight I felt great for several hours. I was staying busy with my hobbies and then BAM, it felt like I was kicked in the chest all over again and I couldn't even continue with my project. I've felt down all month except for tonight for that brief time. I hate my life right now.

[I am Broken]

We had sexual issues too. I was on anti-anxeity meds that severely affected my ability to perform. Which would lessen my desire. Because every time we did it her self-esteem issues would take a hit. I was also confused thinking maybe we were not right for each other if she no longer could satisfy me. It led to the downward spiral similar to what you to are in now. Just make sure you guys figure out what caused you all to arrive at this point, while you still have a chance. Are you taking any meds that may cause adverse sexual effects? I had no idea my meds could have affected me so much. I really had to do some online research online to affirm my suspicions.

[cantstandit]

Actually, I'm the one with a high sex drive. It's not just that though. She said that she doesn't feel very close to me anymore so she doesnt desire sex. For her, she has to have sex with someone she has strong feelings for. So when we would have sex without me knowing she felt that way, it drove her away. Now she's completely distanced herself and I'm left to pick up the pieces.

 

I've brought up seeing a MC, trying to spice up our sex life, doing more things romantically together, going out more, etc. She basically does t want to try with me anymore. Now, if I was you guys I'd say "hell, case closed. You can start moving on", but when I tell her that we should get a divorce she gets very unsure. She says "I think you should move on for your sake, but I don't know how I'll feel in a few months. It's possible I'll completely flip back to feeling like I love you if we have some time apart. I don't want to hurt you, I just want to be happy". What do you think? Stringing me along? She's always seemed so goddamn genuine that it hurts my heart to think she's lying to me.

[Downtown]

CantStandIt, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such a painful situation. As an initial matter, when you say your W was diagnosed as having "BPD," are you referring to Borderline Personality Disorder? I ask because many people confuse BPD with bipolar disorder, which is very different. I also ask because you provide no description of behavior that really indicates the presence of BPD. In particular, you make no mention of problems occurring in the first seven years of your marriage. That is strange because BPD arises from damage inflicted on a person's emotional core -- usually before the age of 5, which is why it interferes with her ability to develop a cohesive stable sense of who she is. Moreover, the symptoms start appearing big time when she starts dating and trying to form LTRs.

 

Hence, if your W suffers from BPD, you should have been seeing a number of traits throughout your marriage (after the six-month honeymoon). These include all-or-nothing thinking, wherein she classifies everyone (including herself) as either "all good" or "all bad." The traits also include an inability to consistently trust you, strong anger (and shame) that is easily triggered (in ten seconds) by an innocuous comment or action, low self esteem, inability to control emotions, weak impulse control, and strong fears of both engulfment and abandonment.

when I tell her that we should get a divorce she gets very unsure.

If she is a BPDer, that is easy to explain. BPDers are pretty much unsure of everything when it comes to human relationships because they experience such intense feelings sweeping over them nearly every day. On top of that, they do not have a good sense of who they are. They therefore like to become attached to someone with a strong stable personality who can center and ground them. Even then, however, they will often have an empty feeling inside and be very unsure of what they want. And, even when they are sure of what they want, they likely will tire of it and want something entirely different a few weeks later.

She says "I think you should move on for your sake, but I don't know how I'll feel in a few months. It's possible I'll completely flip back to feeling like I love you if we have some time apart.

This comment is the closest thing to a typical BPD behavior that you have described. One hallmark of BPD is the all-or-nothing thinking, wherein a person can flip in ten seconds from adoring you to devaluing (even hating) you. With my exW, for example, she flipped back and forth like that a hundred times over 15 years until she eventually "split me black" permanently. As the years go by, a BPDer usually grows increasingly resentful each year that her H has not made her happy or fixed her. It therefore is common for BPDer marriages to break up at the 12-15 year point.

 

Of course, any nonBPD spouse holding on that long is so codependent (i.e., such a caregiver) that there is no way he will walk away from a sick loved one. So it typically is the BPDer who leaves him. Yet, if this is the case, why weren't you noticing it for the past 8 years? I have never heard of such a BPD trait lying dormant for 7 years and then suddenly appearing when you two started having problems a year ago.

What do you think? Stringing me along? She's always seemed so goddamn genuine that it hurts my heart to think she's lying to me.

Again, if she really has BPD, this is an easy one to answer. Although a BPDer typically will lie when she is cornered, the vast majority of the inconsistencies you will see are due to the radical changes occurring in her emotions. These changes create such intense feelings that she believes the feelings are "facts." That is why she is capable of begging you to buy something for her one week and than, a week later, will firmly believe that she never really wanted it -- that it was all your fault. I've seen that play out a hundred times with my exW over a 15 year period. Edited November 26, 2010 by Downtown

[Alobar]

Sorry for the confusion. It's borderline personality disorder, not bipolar disorder.

 

It has been a problem before, but I've always been her "rock" and I think I was very understanding about it all. She was actually diagnosed with it by several mental health professionals. The only reason I really brought it up is because of her comments about not being sure. I can't tell if she's really done with everything or if she's having some problems mentally. This behavior isnt like her at all, but I guess people change.

[Downtown]

Yes, like I said, a BPDer may flip back and forth between idealizing and hating you -- as my exW did for 15 years -- and then one day start permanently splitting you black. One reason could be her growing resentment of your inability to "save her" by making her happy. Another could be her growing fear of abandonment as she sees her body aging. A third reason could be that, in the past year, you grew stronger emotionally and erected stronger personal boundaries, thus refusing to play her games that are intended to produce the drama she wants. Incidentally, how are you able to post both as "cantstandit" and "Alobar"?

[goingstrong]

 

For the last year or so of our marriage she had been very elusive physically and emotionally. She began chatting with one of her childhood friends (male) online which made me very jealous. When we split, it was her doing. She said she didn't think she loved me anymore but that she was probably going to be upset with herself later for letting such a great man go. She said she was confused with what she wants, but has immediately started flirting with the OM and making plans to date him at some point.

 

However, after seeing her genuinely smile and giggle while talking to this other guy, I think its over. but I feel like fighting would just drive her away or make her resent me.

 

 

That is 100% of the problem. She left you for another man. Now, she may regret it and want you back after awhile, but if you read what the majority of posters do in situations similar to yours, you will come to the conclusion that you won't be able to forgive her.

 

What do I do with my life now?

 

Move on and find another.