So tired

[4321sn]

I'm just mentally and physically so exhausted. I know that the best thing to do is go back to NC as it is actully in a way less painful than the waiting and worrying. I have aged so much in the past year and a half. You can see a difference in my face. My body is tired. I get migraine headaches now.

 

He has made progress in the past couple of months. I just know that it will get even worse. What happens when he tells the kids he's moving out and they beg him not to go? I have to try to stay positive and not live in the future. Just take it week by week.

I told him that I need to go LC the next several days. I am a person who needs routine. I hate not knowing what's going to happen.

 

Honestly-in the few cases where they do leave is it always quickly? Does it ever take a year or two for them to go? Do most make a quick choice to go and if so does that mean that they are not thinking it through and are more likely to flip flop?

 

I just feel so lost...

I am looking for answers but there are none.

[shoelove]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

I think you responded to my "Ashley Madison" thread the other day, and you were very helpful. I've decided to call it quits, btw, so you can feel good that you spared me that pain, at least.

 

BTW, I cannot access that thread any more. Could it have gotten deleted?

 

Thanks, and I hope things improve for you SOON.

[4321sn]

I know I was looking for your response. I am sorry if I was too strong in my opinion I just saw myself in you and hoped to spare you this. You and I are around the same age and I was "happily" married when I went on AM...

[siuys]

4321, sorry you're feeling this way. I understand completely. But there is a different way to live, and it's a choice that you can make for yourself. At this stage, you're waiting for him to take action so you can feel better - not the best place to be. xMM moved out quickly, but then flipped and flopped as he was emotionally very unstable, and at the end of the day, not done with his M. Not saying that will happen to you.

 

I think NC is the best thing. You don't have to wonder, wait, or do anything regarding him. It's his separation, it's his mess to sort out. It will only drive you insane to stay in the loop. You have the choice to put the R on hold, give it the distance you need to stay sane, and for him to make his own decisions. All the best.

[4321sn]

4321, sorry you're feeling this way. I understand completely. But there is a different way to live, and it's a choice that you can make for yourself. At this stage, you're waiting for him to take action so you can feel better - not the best place to be. xMM moved out quickly, but then flipped and flopped as he was emotionally very unstable, and at the end of the day, not done with his M. Not saying that will happen to you.

 

I think NC is the best thing. You don't have to wonder, wait, or do anything regarding him. It's his separation, it's his mess to sort out. It will only drive you insane to stay in the loop. You have the choice to put the R on hold, give it the distance you need to stay sane, and for him to make his own decisions. All the best.

 

I follow your posts and I see that you are getting a bit better but still struggling several weeks later. Do you have more good days than bad at least?

[siuys]

4321, it's been 13 days for me so early days but I have definitely more good days than bad. I feel quite normal again but occasionally I sink low. That's normal. Most important thing is I feel better now at worst of times than I did when I was still seeing xMM. It was an important decision for me to no longer stay in a toxic situation.

 

All the best. I follow your posts also and hope you will be in a good space soon. Hugs.

[shoelove]

Is a split ever really a slow, gradual process? I know that sounds harsh, but it's almost like ripping a band-aid off. The quicker the better.

 

If you feel like you'd be healthier with NC, maybe that's the route you ought to go. This, coming from me, who is struggling minute-by-minute right now, right?

 

siuys, I admire your fortitude and I'm glad you said what you said about your lowest low right now being better than before you established NC with the MM. It gives me hope, and strength.

 

Hugs to you both.

[4321sn]

Keep posting when you feel like contacting him. It helps

[pureinheart]

I'm just mentally and physically so exhausted. I know that the best thing to do is go back to NC as it is actully in a way less painful than the waiting and worrying. I have aged so much in the past year and a half. You can see a difference in my face. My body is tired. I get migraine headaches now.

 

He has made progress in the past couple of months. I just know that it will get even worse. What happens when he tells the kids he's moving out and they beg him not to go? I have to try to stay positive and not live in the future. Just take it week by week.

I told him that I need to go LC the next several days. I am a person who needs routine. I hate not knowing what's going to happen.

 

Honestly-in the few cases where they do leave is it always quickly? Does it ever take a year or two for them to go? Do most make a quick choice to go and if so does that mean that they are not thinking it through and are more likely to flip flop?

 

I just feel so lost...

I am looking for answers but there are none.

 

When there is nothing that you can do, or you are not getting answers, you simply stand.

 

You sound extremely stressed out and by your description in bold, I would suggest if it is possible to get some bloodwork done, please get checked out by a doctor. I am not saying this to scare you, I am just concerned.

 

I was feeling the way you were and long story short, got an extensive amount of bloodwork which ruled out everything except EB and that indicated that I have CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) based on symptoms. I feel/felt horrible.

 

Every situation is unique IMO. I believe "the leaving" is so individual that it is hard to say what the WS will do. I would say indoctrination plays a big part. As a WS who was M to a WS I was not indoctrinated by anything except to leaving at a time that was suitable for me.

[TigerCub]

4321sn,

 

oh I know exactly how you feel. When everything was going down with xMM it got to the point where not only did I feel exhausted, but I felt suffocated. I felt so trapped in my own mess that I couldn't breathe, and that's a terrible way to feel.

 

I can't tell you what to do because your story is different than mine, but all I can say is that when I took a stand and chose to walk away from it - I took back control and I could breathe again, it felt so freeing.

 

We're LC, but its been so long since anything has happened with us, and despite seeing "the real" him, I still miss him at times and on days like today I still feel really down and wonder - but those days aren't the norm anymore.

 

I no longer cry, I can breathe again, and I don't have that exhausted, forever yearning, wishing and hurting for him anymore.

 

Sorry if I didn't offer you any useful advice, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and I'm in your corner

[4321sn]

Pureinheart I know I need to see my doctor. I am a mess. I can't sleep at night and want to sleep all day. I have lost 20 pounds and was not overweight to begin with. I am on 3 medications; zoloft, wellbutrin and Ativan. Even with those I feel horrible. I am able to turn myself on as soon as the kids get home. They have afterschool activities so I have to be on from 5-830 when they go to sleep.

 

I cry everyday. I feel like I am dying...I have often thought of telling her just to end my misery. Then it will be over. He will hate me and will never speak to me again.

 

A couple of weeks ago we took a break. I felt good. Even had moments of happiness. I need to remember this.

 

He is not a jerk. He loves me, I truly believe this. I believe he is trying which it why it is so hard to walk away. He is trying to end things. He has told her that the marriage can't survive but has not come out and said "I want a divorce. I don't WANT the marriage to survive."

He has found a place to move. Has told his parents. Told the therapist. Said he will have the final conversation next week. So I will give it a bit longer...

 

I just want to be healthy both mentally and physically. I want to feel happiness...to sing in my car...laugh at tv shows...sit outside and feel the sun on my face. I feel like I've been dead...

[fooled once]

I am not trying to be a jerk, but can you tell me how things are any different than when you wrote this?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253492/

 

What has changed, besides more "talk" from him? All these "things" he has said he has done - tell the therapist, tell his parents, blah blah.... but he hasn't told his wife he wants a divorce?

 

The holidays are upon us. He won't be telling her (more than likely) anytime between now and January 2. So that is another holiday season alone for you, while he plays happily family.

 

Ever heard the phrase...sometimes love is not enough? He doesn't have the cajones to end his marriage. He doesn't have the cajones to set you free (because he is selfish). He IS having his cake and eating it too.

 

YOU are suffering. HE isn't.

 

When is enough enough? After another month? And when you go NC and he/you break it again..and he says all the right things..and in April, you are still in this same place. When is enough enough?

 

Why can't you stop having sex with him until he gets his act together? Heck, maybe that will give him incentive to CHANGE things, instead of just telling you he is making progress. ACTIONS speak louder than words.

 

I hate that you are hurting; but you are allowing him to continue to disrespect you. You are 'inviting' the hurt, the daily wonderings, etc. because you won't mean what you say and say what you mean.

 

If you mean "make a decision" ... then MEAN it. Don't mean "well, if you need more time, you have 2 more years, but dang it, I mean it, after that, I am done". By continuing to accept less than what you want you are letting him know it is okay.

 

No different than telling your kid "if you don't clean up your room, you are grounded from the TV" and when the kid comes to you with those big innocent eyes and says "please mom, can I just watch Sponge Bob" and you go "okay". You have just lost all credibility with your kid and they know now how to manipulate you.

 

Same thing with this.

[4321sn]

I am not trying to be a jerk, but can you tell me how things are any different than when you wrote this?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253492/

 

What has changed, besides more "talk" from him? All these "things" he has said he has done - tell the therapist, tell his parents, blah blah.... but he hasn't told his wife he wants a divorce?

 

The holidays are upon us. He won't be telling her (more than likely) anytime between now and January 2. So that is another holiday season alone for you, while he plays happily family.

 

Ever heard the phrase...sometimes love is not enough? He doesn't have the cajones to end his marriage. He doesn't have the cajones to set you free (because he is selfish). He IS having his cake and eating it too.

 

YOU are suffering. HE isn't.

 

When is enough enough? After another month? And when you go NC and he/you break it again..and he says all the right things..and in April, you are still in this same place. When is enough enough?

 

Why can't you stop having sex with him until he gets his act together? Heck, maybe that will give him incentive to CHANGE things, instead of just telling you he is making progress. ACTIONS speak louder than words.

 

I hate that you are hurting; but you are allowing him to continue to disrespect you. You are 'inviting' the hurt, the daily wonderings, etc. because you won't mean what you say and say what you mean.

 

If you mean "make a decision" ... then MEAN it. Don't mean "well, if you need more time, you have 2 more years, but dang it, I mean it, after that, I am done". By continuing to accept less than what you want you are letting him know it is okay.

 

No different than telling your kid "if you don't clean up your room, you are grounded from the TV" and when the kid comes to you with those big innocent eyes and says "please mom, can I just watch Sponge Bob" and you go "okay". You have just lost all credibility with your kid and they know now how to manipulate you.

 

Same thing with this.

 

I know...you are right. I need to remember these things...I agree 100% and if I were you I would want to smack me...my therapist jokes that she wants to smack me.

BTW we arent having sex anymore...havent for 6 weeks...When we are together we are just talking...mostly serious discussions about how we are feeling.

[4321sn]

He promises hes telling her at their next therapy session next Thursday. He told me about how the therapist gave them assignments. Hers was to think of 5 good things about him that she admires. That really set me off. Not taht I have any right to worry about her feelings considering what I have done but I said this to him;

 

"Do you realize how f-ed up that is? She is there thinking there is a chance and you are letting this woman believe that her trying is going to help when you have no intention remaining in your marriage or at the very least have no intention to stop seeing me? Even if she hates you like you say you have been married for 18 years and she is holding on for whatever reason. And you are hoping that she will get so pissed at you by being passive aggressive, that she says it. She is not going to say it! You need to stop worrying about what everyone will think of you. Stop worrying that everyone will blame you for leaving her and do the right thing. Who is this good for? You are worried about your kids...you are either fighting with her or not speaking. You say you love me but you continue to sit there and watch me suffer while I wait."

 

Then he cries...says thats hard to hear. Maybe I got caught up trying to "save" him...

[fooled once]

I know...you are right. I need to remember these things...I agree 100% and if I were you I would want to smack me...my therapist jokes that she wants to smack me.

BTW we arent having sex anymore...havent for 6 weeks...When we are together we are just talking...mostly serious discussions about how we are feeling.

 

Honestly, I was just wanting to see if you saw that really nothing has changed, yet you are once again giving him "more time".

 

I would never want to smack you, but I will always want you to have the best and I don't think that is him. I mean, he is going to MC with his wife while having an affair! How much lower can a person go? To me, that shows his true character and I don't see that as a positive...and you deserve better.

[whichwayisup]

Pureinheart I know I need to see my doctor. I am a mess. I can't sleep at night and want to sleep all day. I have lost 20 pounds and was not overweight to begin with. I am on 3 medications; zoloft, wellbutrin and Ativan. Even with those I feel horrible.

 

You have to put yourself first now and get better. The love you feel for this guy, the situation itself, LOOK what it's doing to you! Not only emotionally, but physically! Losing weight that you cannot afford to lose, too!

 

I know you love him, and he may love you too, but it's an unhealthy situation for you. The damage that's being done is just not good at all.

 

He is selfishly (not malciously) playing both sides here. How does one go to marriage counseling to fix a marriage, yet plan on leaving? You say he plans on telling the truth next session, yet that is what he tells you - I doubt very much he's even close to confessing that in a therapy session let alone telling his wife the truth. You don't know what he says or thinks when he's not around you, or talking to you. He's put HIMSELF in this situation and now he's got two women who love him and somehow he has to choose.

 

How long will you ride this out? I hope you decide to back off and focus on you for a while, leave him be to sort things out either way. Again, the damage this is doing to you is awful.

[Confused4Now]

I am not trying to be a jerk, but can you tell me how things are any different than when you wrote this?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253492/

 

What has changed, besides more "talk" from him? All these "things" he has said he has done - tell the therapist, tell his parents, blah blah.... but he hasn't told his wife he wants a divorce?

 

The holidays are upon us. He won't be telling her (more than likely) anytime between now and January 2. So that is another holiday season alone for you, while he plays happily family.

 

Ever heard the phrase...sometimes love is not enough? He doesn't have the cajones to end his marriage. He doesn't have the cajones to set you free (because he is selfish). He IS having his cake and eating it too.

 

YOU are suffering. HE isn't.

 

When is enough enough? After another month? And when you go NC and he/you break it again..and he says all the right things..and in April, you are still in this same place. When is enough enough?

 

Why can't you stop having sex with him until he gets his act together? Heck, maybe that will give him incentive to CHANGE things, instead of just telling you he is making progress. ACTIONS speak louder than words.

 

I hate that you are hurting; but you are allowing him to continue to disrespect you. You are 'inviting' the hurt, the daily wonderings, etc. because you won't mean what you say and say what you mean.

 

If you mean "make a decision" ... then MEAN it. Don't mean "well, if you need more time, you have 2 more years, but dang it, I mean it, after that, I am done". By continuing to accept less than what you want you are letting him know it is okay.

 

No different than telling your kid "if you don't clean up your room, you are grounded from the TV" and when the kid comes to you with those big innocent eyes and says "please mom, can I just watch Sponge Bob" and you go "okay". You have just lost all credibility with your kid and they know now how to manipulate you.

 

Same thing with this.

Perfectly said...this is where you have to be...take your power back. I was so here 2 years ago...with all the depression and sleep medication. I lost so much weight. I was not only divorcing my xW but I was helping my xMW get out of her situation. Again it surprises me how I can see it now but back then I wanted to believe every word my xAP was telling me. Not anymore. I have my power back....she tries but I hold firm. She will respect me once and for all. Edited November 25, 2010 by Confused4Now

[4321sn]

Guess the fact that he is in MC doesn't bother me is because I went too. Mostly to get my xh to see that the problems were too severe to mend. We went 5 sessions and then realized it was over.

 

He was in IC this summer. I encouraged him to go to MC. My therapist suggested that it might move things along in helping him act. They have only had 2 sessions. Idk... Another week...then we will see if he signs that apartment lease. Lease begins on 1/1. He says I can go with him when he signs...

If those two things are done then I can remain...carefully.

[4321sn]

" I was not only divorcing my xW but I was helping my xMW get out of her situation. Again it surprises me how I can see it now but back then I wanted to believe every word my xAP was telling me. Not anymore. I have my power back....she tries but I hold firm. She will respect me once and for all."

 

sounds like me

she is still trying to contact you? How do u manage to stay firm?

[oxfordsocks]

Everything when I was with my MM(but not physically together) made me miss him---now that things are over everything that used to make me miss him still does.

 

Nothing changed. That sick feeling is still there after 3 months---the sick feeling i felt when i knew he was at home with his wife and family--the same sick feeling i have when i think of them together now.

 

I had anxiety over thinking of them together--we are apart--and i still have that same anxiety.

 

BUt he is there--and I am here and I did not want to be the other woman any more. I thought it would be soooo bad not being a part of him--YEs it killed me once our final "email" was done. BUt is was no different than killing me every day--slowly but surely.

 

If i could take away your pain for you i would-if i could lift him perfectly into your arms forever i would . I moved mountains for my MM and he didn't move much---

 

If he wants you--he knows where to find you--maybe not now because of circumstances but perhaps in other time.

 

Garth Brooks has a great song Unanswered Prayers--I hate country music--it makes me want to slit my wrists--but this song is helpful to put into perspective about what we want right now and don't have.

 

I wish you a better ending for now than mine was-but i wish you happiness when it seems so tough to even breathe and open your eyes everyday. I understand ((((HUGS))))))

[Confused4Now]

sounds like me

she is still trying to contact you? How do u manage to stay firm?

Yeah she tries but I don't listen to the empty words. She emails me and tries to give me updates. I stay firm cause boundaries is what I lacked when I was married and its what got me in trouble. So you can say boundaries is how I can stay firm.

[pureinheart]

Pureinheart I know I need to see my doctor. I am a mess. I can't sleep at night and want to sleep all day. I have lost 20 pounds and was not overweight to begin with. I am on 3 medications; zoloft, wellbutrin and Ativan. Even with those I feel horrible. I am able to turn myself on as soon as the kids get home. They have afterschool activities so I have to be on from 5-830 when they go to sleep.

 

I cry everyday. I feel like I am dying...I have often thought of telling her just to end my misery. Then it will be over. He will hate me and will never speak to me again.

 

A couple of weeks ago we took a break. I felt good. Even had moments of happiness. I need to remember this.

 

He is not a jerk. He loves me, I truly believe this. I believe he is trying which it why it is so hard to walk away. He is trying to end things. He has told her that the marriage can't survive but has not come out and said "I want a divorce. I don't WANT the marriage to survive."

He has found a place to move. Has told his parents. Told the therapist. Said he will have the final conversation next week. So I will give it a bit longer...

 

I just want to be healthy both mentally and physically. I want to feel happiness...to sing in my car...laugh at tv shows...sit outside and feel the sun on my face. I feel like I've been dead...

 

Oh 4321 (((((((((((hugs))))))))))), I wrote you a reply and my laptop froze:mad:, Please listen to WWIU, she is so totally objective and has been through some stuff and really does care...you have to think about YOU!

 

I know MM isn't a jerk, you know, just because he's in an A doesn't demonize him at all. I know you have his best interests at heart and just want to shelter him from all of the pain you know he's going through...you can't do that though at your own expense...20lbs is a lot of weight when you don't have it to loose...you definitly have my thoughts and prayers if that is ok with you!

[siuys]

4321, sorry you're hurting. i understand. i was going absolutely mental just a couple of weeks ago and finally broke down with a panic attack i almost fainted. the emotional stress was finally taking its toll. i lost a lot of weight last few months, no sleep, couldn't concentrate at work. i thank my panic attacks for otherwise i'd still be in the same position.

 

when i last saw xMM, he also said he is getting out. i asked if his W knows that or his MC counsellor. of course not. it's all empty words. even if he does move out, there is still no guarantee.

 

i miss him a lot still but i vow not to go back to the toxic situation. if i even so much as sms him, i will be back and eventually i'll end up in hospital or get depressed. it's not worth it.

 

i'd rather love him and lose him than kill myself in the process.

 

Go NC. it's hard but it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. it's much harder to live the way you live now and you know it. and the addiction will lessen. every day it's a little less.

[blinded_27]

He promises hes telling her at their next therapy session next Thursday. He told me about how the therapist gave them assignments. Hers was to think of 5 good things about him that she admires. That really set me off. Not taht I have any right to worry about her feelings considering what I have done but I said this to him;

 

"Do you realize how f-ed up that is? She is there thinking there is a chance and you are letting this woman believe that her trying is going to help when you have no intention remaining in your marriage or at the very least have no intention to stop seeing me? Even if she hates you like you say you have been married for 18 years and she is holding on for whatever reason. And you are hoping that she will get so pissed at you by being passive aggressive, that she says it. She is not going to say it! You need to stop worrying about what everyone will think of you. Stop worrying that everyone will blame you for leaving her and do the right thing. Who is this good for? You are worried about your kids...you are either fighting with her or not speaking. You say you love me but you continue to sit there and watch me suffer while I wait."

 

Then he cries...says thats hard to hear. Maybe I got caught up trying to "save" him...

 

*Sigh* I hear ya wanting to give more time.

 

My MM came back to me and we've talked A LOT over the past few days about him getting divorced. He's petrified of doing it, but knows he wants to let go.

 

Much like you, I have a bit of faith remaining... and hopefully, similar to myself, this will be the LAST time this promise will be made to you.

 

I think if this conversation on Thursday doesn't work out as expected, you need to give him an ultimatum and make a deadline. As weird as that sounds... I'm not saying push him to do it, but giving him a deadline will be the true test of whether he thinks you're worth it or not, and will give you the push to realize it's time to really move on this time....

 

Nothing should be holding him back if this is what he truly wants for himself first, and for us second. This is what I kept telling my MM last night. I'm going to give it one week, then I'm walking away for the last time.

 

I hope you're able to as well if it doesn't work out for you.