If I Didn't Have An Affair, Why Does This Hurt So Much?

[fooled once]

What, indeed. So sorry you're hurt that your advice wasn't well received.

 

My post had nothing at all to do with my marriage. It had everything to do with me trying to figure out why this is so emotionally painful and how I can stay strong and get past that.

 

But thanks for playing.

 

Ya know, when you post on a message board, you need to be prepared for ALL kinds of advice, not just sunshine and roses.

 

Your response was really rude.

 

Yes, I'm so dense that I missed your suave subtleties.

 

If you'd really read my post, you'd see that no one needs to DISSUADE me, I have pulled the plug all on my own. I understand how toxic an affair would be. What I was looking for was support and understanding, but certainly not pity, about how hard it can be to walk away.

 

* You allege that you pulled the plug, but yet you spent hours talking to him? How is that pulling the plug?

 

FWIW, I posted something the other day that has since been removed by the powers that be, I suspect because it made mention of a commercial dating site for married people.

 

In that post, I explained that I am married to a much older man who is in his decline. Ten years ago we invested in a business together and made a great success of it. With the economy the way it is, if we split things up we're both going to wind up destitute. I'm young enough to bounce back. Him? He's got CHF and emphysema. I'm his chipper young wife who loads his med box for him every day and gets him to his doc appts., when I'm not running said business. I'm overworked, overstressed and have been cursed to have been left behind with a healthy sex drive.

 

* So you are pissed that because you chose to marry a man 24 years your senior, and now his health is failing and it isn't fair to you because you have to take care of a terminal man who has loved you?

 

I thought I could just go and have a purely sexual relationship and "get the itch scratched" as it were, but found out the hard way that I'm not wired like that. I like emotional commitment, and friendship.

 

Therefore, I am backing away before it goes too far. It probably already has in that I AM ONE HURTING UNIT RIGHT NOW. So please, please, please lay off and go judge someone else, ok?

 

 

I just got done talking to him on the phone for nearly 3 1/2 hours. H and I went out for a while tonight and H was tired and wanted to go home but told me to go back to friend's house where there was a party. MM texted me and said PLEASE CALL ME. I went driving instead of going back to the party and talked to MM on the phone. The usual mundane stuff, intermixed with some pretty heavy flirting and double entendre. And just when we were going to say good-bye for the night, I told him that I had deleted all of his photos, deleted him from my IM and removed him as a contact on my phone. He said that he had been wondering since yesterday what was going on and figured something like that had happened. He knows that I have a lot of angst regarding this "relationship." He agreed to stop texting and will make no effort to contact me. He was gracious, tender and complimentary. Can I be honest and admit that I'm a little bugged about how easily he "let me go"? AND NO, THERE IS NO FIGURING ME OUT!! AGGGGHHHH!!!!

 

Then he said, "But you are ALWAYS welcome in my life, dear girl, should you ever want ANY kind of relationship with me." UGH UGH UGH So the temptation of contact has been removed from him--->me, but the door is open. I am so weak, but I do not want to go through that door again. I wish he had gotten angry and slammed it shut and took the decision out of my hands.

 

*Nice to know you are welcome to call him again in the future and you can meet up for sex. You are in control of your emotions. You have to make a choice, but it sounds like you don't want to.

 

I am soooo thankful for 4321sn, whichwayisup, pureinheart, and Fieldsofgold for helping me to understand my motivations in wanting this so badlly and not making light of it even though it's barely a relationship. Good practical, NON-JUDGMENTAL advice is always welcome. Not always easy to take, but always welcome.

 

To answer your question, yes my husband is 24 years my senior. Heavy ex-smoker, but the damage is done. Every year there are more hospitalizations and less and less that he can do. He's said many times, "You deserve a young man." I owe everything I have and every bit of who I am to this man. He taught me everything I know. But the overwork and stress and frankly, lack of sex are taking a toll on me. He used to be such a vibrant, confident, sexy man. He feels sorry for himself now, and so do I. I just wanted to feel like a woman again instead of a caretaker. And yes, the attention and flirting and flattery was heady stuff indeed. I thought I could pull it off and I was wrong. I need to keep reminding myself of all the things that really bugged me about this guy. And there are more than a few.

 

*People age.

People get sick.

This guy taught you everything you know and you return that by going and having an affair.

 

This guy loves you (I am speaking of your H). You feel as if he is a burden because he is older and in failing health. Marriage isn't about having fun when you are young. Marriage is about taking care of each other. Marriage is about ...... never mind.

 

I hope my H, who is older than me, never thinks of me this was (as I am the one with failing health). I hope he would never come to resent me like you resent your H. Maybe you should hire a home health nurse to take over his medical needs since it has become too much for you and you are young and vibrant and have needs that need to be met?

 

 

[shoelove]

Well I caved in. He texted to tell me that he will accept whatever contact I want to have with him, on whatever terms I want it. I told him that it can't ever get sexual, but that I loved talking to him about the work that we do and other things going on in our lives. We just spent an hour on the phone, and I realized why I missed him.

 

Yes, I suck.....I get that. Say what you will, if you've never been in these shoes your opinion doesn't count for much with me.

[whichwayisup]

The choice is yours, just shield your heart. Re-read your reasons for wanting to end it and do the NC, why you joined this place.. Those reasons are still there..

 

So try the friendship thing, see how long it takes before you're even more emotionally attached to him, and possibly end up in bed with him..

 

Get help for home. Hire a nurse to come afew days a week so you aren't as stressed out.

 

Is your H functioning? Or totally bed ridden? I'm just wondering if he's capable of using a vibe on you, having some intimacy?

[bentnotbroken]

Well I caved in. He texted to tell me that he will accept whatever contact I want to have with him, on whatever terms I want it. I told him that it can't ever get sexual, but that I loved talking to him about the work that we do and other things going on in our lives. We just spent an hour on the phone, and I realized why I missed him.

 

Yes, I suck.....I get that. Say what you will, if you've never been in these shoes your opinion doesn't count for much with me.

 

 

Who hasn't been in the shoes of temptation? It is a normal part of life. It is the choices that are made when faced with the temptation.

[Ms. Red]

Well I caved in. He texted to tell me that he will accept whatever contact I want to have with him, on whatever terms I want it. I told him that it can't ever get sexual, but that I loved talking to him about the work that we do and other things going on in our lives. We just spent an hour on the phone, and I realized why I missed him.

 

Yes, I suck.....I get that. Say what you will, if you've never been in these shoes your opinion doesn't count for much with me.

 

It's ok, I understand. Hugs to you & wishing you well.

[jwi71]

If you'd really read my post, you'd see that no one needs to DISSUADE me, I have pulled the plug all on my own. I understand how toxic an affair would be. What I was looking for was support and understanding, but certainly not pity, about how hard it can be to walk away.

 

I thought I could just go and have a purely sexual relationship and "get the itch scratched" as it were, but found out the hard way that I'm not wired like that. I like emotional commitment, and friendship. Therefore, I am backing away before it goes too far. It probably already has in that I AM ONE HURTING UNIT RIGHT NOW. So please, please, please lay off and go judge someone else, ok?

Ok. Gotcha. You don't NEED advice on whether or not to end but how to deal with the loss. And yes, of course, being told to channel that energy back into your M doesn't count as advice.

 

In reality, its actually REALLY GOOD advice for reasons I already stated. YOU don't like it because its not what you want to hear.

 

Well I caved in. He texted to tell me that he will accept whatever contact I want to have with him, on whatever terms I want it. I told him that it can't ever get sexual, but that I loved talking to him about the work that we do and other things going on in our lives. We just spent an hour on the phone, and I realized why I missed him.

 

This won't work. WWIU nailed it.

The "whatever" is missing from your M you are seeking elsewhere. You aren't addressing the illness but rather the symptom.

 

You NEED to read WWIU's post over and over.

 

You latched onto your MM HARD after a few scant weeks. It only gets worse. It is, however, your life and you are of course free to do what you will. From my vantage point - you are heading down a painful path.

 

Yes, I suck.....I get that. Say what you will, if you've never been in these shoes your opinion doesn't count for much with me.

I'm sorry but kindly quote who said that. No one said that.

 

No one here has JUDGED you. Not one judgmental post about how bad you are. About how WRONG you are as a person. The post I wrote and what I've read have been SUPPORTIVE.

 

In actuality, you have IGNORED the advice and plunged head first down a path you have long ago decided upon. You aren't here for support but validation. You want other OW to cheer you on - to tell you how good it will be.

 

Can't help you with that. Just know you aren't the first person to post here about their MM found on a commercial dating site for married persons. Doesn't end well.

 

Well...good luck with bottling emotions. It doesn't work. You are taking a course of action you KNOW will led to deeper bonds - to physical intimacy. Its what you want by your own admission.

 

It'll be good. Then it will blow up in your face.

 

Good luck.

[Tinkerbell1]

Shoe, I get what you are saying. I know you are trying to do the right thing and that you really do love your husband. Remember that people on here really do mean well, despite the judgment that comes through, but unfortunately many people really dont get it unless they have experienced these things. I dont have much to offer you other than support. Please keep posting and take what you need and leave the rest.

 

Hang in there and please keep us posted.

Hugs

[Fieldsofgold]

The choice is yours, just shield your heart. Re-read your reasons for wanting to end it and do the NC, why you joined this place.. Those reasons are still there..

 

So try the friendship thing, see how long it takes before you're even more emotionally attached to him, and possibly end up in bed with him..

 

Get help for home. Hire a nurse to come afew days a week so you aren't as stressed out.

 

Is your H functioning? Or totally bed ridden? I'm just wondering if he's capable of using a vibe on you, having some intimacy?

 

The bolded: keep talking to him - just as friends - and I guarantee you, especially in your needy condition - you will become deeply emotionally attached, enmeshed, and emotionally dependent on him, you will think you are in love with him because of it, you will end up having a PA with him. But he is still married, and so are you. Your husband will become depressed and feel even more like a useless burden to you as he realizes and senses your emotional detachment from him. Such a sad way for him to spend his final years. And when he is dead, you will have a load of shame and guilt to carry. And the MM is, well, still married, so your needs will (eventually) come second, after his wife and the rest of his life. You will end up emotionally abandoned, just as you are emotionally abandoning your H.

 

I suggest you get some material, educate yourself about the role of caregiver to the elderly/infirm. Get resources if you need the occasional break, home health and such.

 

I agree that you need good friends to spend time with and to talk to - women would be a good, safe choice. They could offer the same support and bond without the temptation of a PA, without hurting your H, yourself, and someone's wife. And don't forget that there are support groups for caregivers. You can defintely find good support and safe outlets there.

 

Does he have grown children who can give you a break?

 

There are a million and one better, less hurtful for everyone involved ways to deal with your life situation, than the path you are choosing. I strongly encourage you, for your sake as well as your husband's, to choose a different path.

 

Seeking solace and an outlet in this other man will only end with a lot of people emotionally damaged and in pain, including you, most likely.

 

I am not trying to be all gloom and doom here. And I do know what I'm talking about, from some levels of first-hand experience.

[shoelove]

Fieldsofgold, I totallly agree with you. I'm trying to follow through and be strong, believe me.

 

We spoke on the phone Friday night, as I said before. It was very nice, if pretty tame. On Saturday, I'd had a particularly difficult time with my H and was extremely stressed-out. I spoke with MM for quite a while on Saturday night, but I was in a VERY bad place and was less than friendly. Quite argumentative, as a matter of fact.

 

We haven't had any contact since then, and I wonder if my being so pissy on Saturday night was my way of making him run away from me. All day yesterday I was glad for the peace and quiet and had a decent day, aside from some drama from H. I was resolved to have a good weekend despite what the men in my life may or may not be doing for/to me.

 

Big things going on at work this week and I have no time to be drawn deeply into the MM situation. Have to keep my eye on the ball, metaphorically speaking, but I did want to come here and post briefly. It helps me to get some clarity.

 

And I don't mind the people who tell it like it is when they know what they're talking about and aren't just sending out some generic, "You're bad because you're doing something hurtful to your marriage." message.

[whichwayisup]

Let me ask you, if the situation was reversed, wouldn't you expect that your husband stayed faithful to you? You two married, you did love him at one point, had sex and all.. So, now things have changed, he's unable to due to health issues.. If you were him, what would you do? I know this is hard to be objective since you've had an EA and probably would want your H to find happiness on the side and not tell you about it.

 

There are times in marriage, you HAVE to put other person first, even if you're unhappy. That is what marriage is all about it, especially now that he's very unwell and his condition is more than likely going to get worse. Get help, nurses, friends, family members .. You don't have to be the only one looking after him. But, with that said, that extra time you have to yourself, use it wisely and not focussed on MM. If something goes wrong with your husband, you *may* feel awful guilt allowing yourself to be in an affair, wishing you had more time with your H. Im' sure he is feeling alone, scared, depressed and needs your love and support.

[Mimolicious]

Thing is... people want to control reactions after actions are taken. It is very clear that it doesn't go that way. Do you have any idea how bad you are going to look if you are found out?????

You will no longer be the "caring W".

[Owl]

Simply put, it hurt because you attempted (are attempting???) to end a relationship you created.

 

It also does meet the definition of "emotional affair"...so it was (at least in my book) "an affair".

 

The advice you've been given to end the relationship and find ways to emotionally re-invest yourself into your marriage are spot on. They're the best ways to "get over it".

 

I know that's easier said than done...but truthfully, can you think of a better way?

[shoelove]

Thing is, this started out as an intention to have a purely physical relationship. Heck, I didn't even want a "relationship." I wanted a quick fling, a diversion, an escape.

 

Early on, I came to realize that I couldn't follow through on the physical thing. Just couldn't do it. And then I realized I was embroiled in an emotional relationship. At least on my part, and that made me pretty disingenuous because MM thought I was after PA and I kept telling him that he was wasting his time with me. He said he was ok with that, and in the next breath said, "So when are we going to get together." I'm kidding myself if I think that his appearance of caring about what's going on in my life is anything but pure manipulation to get me in the sack. Ouch, that hurt.

 

So....I thought I needed sex and found out that it's about way more than the sex. I need to get fulfillment elsewhere. I need to recommit to my career and my business. I've been on autopilot for far too long. I need to recommit to my health and fitness. I'm an ex-runner and I need to get back into that groove and get some endorphins and well-being from some non-sexual physical activity. I spent a few minutes this morning setting goals and looking into what's available for competitions this summer.

 

I've reconnected with a few of my female friends who are good solid resources (although there's no way they'd understand what I've been going through, I don't think.)

 

To previous posters:

Yes, I've been on a massive pity-party and am probably pretty profoundly depressed.

Yes, I'd look like a complete and total horses's ass if I got caught. Rightfully so.

 

OTOH, I'm pretty unapologetic about wanting to feel alive again and have someone care about me and see me as a woman again. I went looking in the wrong place for that and didn't really get "the real deal," but I'm still too young to be this dead inside.

 

And yes, H was older than I was back when I married him - nothing's changed about that. He was also very vital and took care of himself. He's pretty self-destructive now and I expected (foolishly) that he'd be strong into his 80's (and I'd be pushing 60, not 40.) I also never expected that if something happened to one of us, that he'd throw in the towel this easily and just take his toys and go home. I think maybe we're both pretty depressed. I've broached the subject of counseling, but gotten the door slammed in my face.

 

So....onward and upward. Literally. I have a very big hole to crawl out of. And you don't get out of those by continuing to dig a deeper one.

[Snowflower]

Thing is, this started out as an intention to have a purely physical relationship. Heck, I didn't even want a "relationship." I wanted a quick fling, a diversion, an escape.

 

Early on, I came to realize that I couldn't follow through on the physical thing. Just couldn't do it. And then I realized I was embroiled in an emotional relationship. At least on my part, and that made me pretty disingenuous because MM thought I was after PA and I kept telling him that he was wasting his time with me. He said he was ok with that, and in the next breath said, "So when are we going to get together." I'm kidding myself if I think that his appearance of caring about what's going on in my life is anything but pure manipulation to get me in the sack. Ouch, that hurt.

 

So....I thought I needed sex and found out that it's about way more than the sex. I need to get fulfillment elsewhere. I need to recommit to my career and my business. I've been on autopilot for far too long. I need to recommit to my health and fitness. I'm an ex-runner and I need to get back into that groove and get some endorphins and well-being from some non-sexual physical activity. I spent a few minutes this morning setting goals and looking into what's available for competitions this summer.

 

I've reconnected with a few of my female friends who are good solid resources (although there's no way they'd understand what I've been going through, I don't think.)

 

To previous posters:

Yes, I've been on a massive pity-party and am probably pretty profoundly depressed.

Yes, I'd look like a complete and total horses's ass if I got caught. Rightfully so.

 

OTOH, I'm pretty unapologetic about wanting to feel alive again and have someone care about me and see me as a woman again. I went looking in the wrong place for that and didn't really get "the real deal," but I'm still too young to be this dead inside.

 

And yes, H was older than I was back when I married him - nothing's changed about that. He was also very vital and took care of himself. He's pretty self-destructive now and I expected (foolishly) that he'd be strong into his 80's (and I'd be pushing 60, not 40.) I also never expected that if something happened to one of us, that he'd throw in the towel this easily and just take his toys and go home. I think maybe we're both pretty depressed. I've broached the subject of counseling, but gotten the door slammed in my face.

 

So....onward and upward. Literally. I have a very big hole to crawl out of. And you don't get out of those by continuing to dig a deeper one.

 

SL, I was thinking about your post and I was really touched by your honesty. You and I probably don't share much in common but I still felt I could relate because I'm about the same age as you. It has to be difficult to see your husband and think, "is this all there is," which is what I'm reading in your posts. I think you're lonely and depressed. You also sound very empathetic and thoughtful so I think you would hurt yourself most of all if you were to continue this affair. It is for that reason alone that I hope that you continue to stay away from the MM and look to other pursuits (running, friends, work, etc) to help you find focus.

 

I feel sorry for your husband, as well, because it sounds like he is lonely, scared and depressed, just like you are. Have the two of you talked about what each of you is feeling? I know, men have a hard time opening up about that type of thing but maybe if you start by telling him how lonely you feel maybe that will spur him into talking too. Have you thought of going to IC by yourself?

 

Good luck. I know you promised "in sickness and in health" to your husband. But life is short and you deserve to not feel dead inside so I can kind of understand. You're much too young feel this way so find a healthy way to find fulfillment (not by cheating). Anyway, I'm not sure if this helps you. I feel like I'm rambling but I was touched by your honesty.

[Star_Bright]

 

Yes, I suck.....I get that. Say what you will, if you've never been in these shoes your opinion doesn't count for much with me.

 

Well then why are you posting on a public forum? If you don't want our advice and input, why are you here? I agree that your responses are pretty rude!

 

When you married your husband I'm sure you probably said something along the lines of "for better or worse," "for sickness and in health," and "forsaking all others," right? So do those promises mean nothing now that you're actually having to live them out???

 

I'm sincerely curious, even though I'm sure you'll strike back at me because you don't like my question.

 

[whichwayisup]

And yes, H was older than I was back when I married him - nothing's changed about that. He was also very vital and took care of himself. He's pretty self-destructive now and I expected (foolishly) that he'd be strong into his 80's (and I'd be pushing 60, not 40.) I also never expected that if something happened to one of us, that he'd throw in the towel this easily and just take his toys and go home. I think maybe we're both pretty depressed. I've broached the subject of counseling, but gotten the door slammed in my face.

 

Don't give up, keep on communicating and listening to one another. MC doesn't have to happen right away, but you can go on your own. Sounds like it could help you. You can encourage your husband to talk to his Dr, if he is unwilling to do therapy. He has thrown in the towel because he is depressed and figures his life is over.

 

Other than looking after him, have you tried cheering him up? Been a fun and loving wife to him, bought him gifts, and spent time just being with him? I am asking in a nice way, even if it reads like it isn't. Maybe he just needs TLC, to be held and told he is loved. You make it sound like he's abusive to you.

[shoelove]

I just found out that MM lied to me about something in his personal life, in a pretty over-the-top way. I found this out via the internet; I still haven't had any contact since Saturday night. Initially I would have said that it was pretty unhealthy that I was doing an internet search about him, but this turned out to be the cement I needed to seal the door shut on this weird, weird situation so I guess it's good in a way.

 

I'm actually laughing about it right now, because the topic of the lie has to do with a subject that he used to keep me feeling off-kilter and "grateful" for his interest and less than confident about myself. Wow, what a loser. Too bad it took me this long to figure that out. Color me mortified.

[mitchell]

This MM is bad news. Just be happy nothing physical happened.

 

I realize your husband is chronically ill and in failing health. There should still be a way you could connect with him physically. You obviously love and care for him. Someone suggested he use a vibrator on you. Perhaps you could position yourself so he could perform oral sex on you. These could be both physically and emotionally satisfying.

 

Imagine your husband's feelings in failing health. I'm sure he realizes sadly that he can no longer satisfy his young and lustful wife. This must be part of his anger and frustration. Getting creative sexually might just be the right thing for both of you.

[whichwayisup]

I just found out that MM lied to me about something in his personal life, in a pretty over-the-top way. I found this out via the internet; I still haven't had any contact since Saturday night. Initially I would have said that it was pretty unhealthy that I was doing an internet search about him, but this turned out to be the cement I needed to seal the door shut on this weird, weird situation so I guess it's good in a way.

 

I'm actually laughing about it right now, because the topic of the lie has to do with a subject that he used to keep me feeling off-kilter and "grateful" for his interest and less than confident about myself. Wow, what a loser. Too bad it took me this long to figure that out. Color me mortified.

 

You surprised he lied to you?

 

Bottomline is/was, he wanted sex, that's it. As did you, but then feelings got in the way on your part, he sensed that or knows it and didn't care, but still would have sex if you wanted it, no strings attached.

 

I need to get fulfillment elsewhere. I need to recommit to my career and my business. I've been on autopilot for far too long. I need to recommit to my health and fitness. I'm an ex-runner and I need to get back into that groove and get some endorphins and well-being from some non-sexual physical activity. I spent a few minutes this morning setting goals and looking into what's available for competitions this summer.

 

That's good and all, but what about reconnecting with your husband? You've emotionally detached from him on so many levels.. Make his last days loving, and caring. One day you might regret not doing that...