If I Didn't Have An Affair, Why Does This Hurt So Much?

[shoelove]

I decided last night to go NC with the MM. We have been chatting on the computer and have spent HOURS on the phone for probably the past 6 weeks or so. Also exchanged a huge number of photos. I felt we had an incredible connection and things got very intense very quickly.

 

Lately, I've felt like things were going "stale" and that the relationship needed to go someplace (i.e., physically) or be over. Every time I broach the subject of ending it, he reels me back in. He's been very insistent/persuasive about starting a physical relationship.

 

Frankly, I want to, but I just have this feeling that it would be very emotionally self-destructive for me. The weird thing is, sometimes when I'm talking to him, I'M SO BORED. A few things he's said have evened elicited the occasional eye-roll.

 

So why am I hurting so badly today after having deleted all his emails, removed him as a contact on all my devices where I IM, etc.? Is it the attention he gives me? I'm a little mortified that I may have become an "attention whore." When it's good, it's very good. When it's not, it's just, well, LAME.

 

And yet, I feel as though I've been beaten up today. I so badly want to text him or IM him or call him. I actually added him back on my mobile IM, only to be mortified when I saw that it sent him an "add request." (He doesn't know he's been deleted.) When I panicked a few moments later and deleted the "pending request" it said that he had denied my request. Not sure what the deal with that is, but he does NOT want to end this, so I'm guessing I just got that msg because I was deleting the pending request. Whew, yes I'm a basket case today. He'll be contacting me later tonight, I know he will.

 

I want to be strong and ignore and get this over with, but I am so weak, especially when he's so attentive and persuasive. UGH. I hate this.

 

And yes, I know that if I had let this get physical, my emotional turmoil would be 1,000 times worse right now. I see so much pain here at LS, I almost feel embarrassed for bringing this up when it was nothing, really. But in a way, I became very obsessive/dependent on it. I feel like I'm in detox. Thanks for listening.

 

Oh, and I don't know if it matters, but I'm married as well.

Edited November 24, 2010 by shoelove
Additional information / correct a typo

[jwi71]

I decided last night to go NC with the MM. We have been chatting on the computer and have spent HOURS on the phone for probably the past 6 weeks or so. Also exchanged a huge number of photos. I felt we had an incredible connection and things got very intense very quickly.

 

Lately, I've felt like things were going "stale" and that the relationship needed to go someplace (i.e., physically) or be over. Every time I broach the subject of ending it, he reels me back in. He's been very insistent/persuasive about starting a physical relationship.

 

Frankly, I want to, but I just have this feeling that it would be very emotionally self-destructive for me. The weird thing is, sometimes when I'm talking to him, I'M SO BORED. A few things he's said have evened elicited the occasional eye-roll.

 

So why am I hurting so badly today after having deleted all his emails, removed him as a contact on all my devices where I IM, etc.? Is it the attention he gives me? I'm a little mortified that I may have become an "attention whore." When it's good, it's very good. When it's not, it's just, well, LAME.

 

And yet, I feel as though I've been beaten up today. I so badly want to text him or IM him or call him. I actually added him back on my mobile IM, only to be mortified when I saw that it sent him an "add request." (He doesn't know he's been deleted.) When I panicked a few moments later and deleted the "pending request" it said that he had denied my request. Not sure what the deal with that is, but he does NOT want to end this, so I'm guessing I just got that msg because I was deleting the pending request. Whew, yes I'm a basket case today. He'll be contacting me later tonight, I know he will.

 

I want to be strong and ignore and get this over with, but I am so weak, especially when he's so attentive and persuasive. UGH. I hate this.

 

And yes, I know that if I had let this get physical, my emotional turmoil would be 1,000 times worse right now. I see so much pain here at LS, I almost feel embarrassed for bringing this up when it was nothing, really. But in a way, I became very obsessive/dependent on it. I feel like I'm in detox. Thanks for listening.

 

Oh, and I don't know if it matters, but I'm married as well.

 

Well, if you didn't have an A, why don't you confide in your H and get his support at this loss?

[shoelove]

Because even if it wasn't a physical affair, it was an emotional relationship with another man. Still a very deep betrayal and he would be incredibly hurt. It's pretty obvious, I would think.

[jwi71]

Because even if it wasn't a physical affair, it was an emotional relationship with another man. Still a very deep betrayal and he would be incredibly hurt. It's pretty obvious, I would think.

 

Of course, now everything will change now that nothing has changed. Your H, being in the dark, will surely up and change. I'm equally sure you will fully recommit to your M and whatever it is that led you to cheat will vanish like water in the hot sun.

 

So obvious.

 

What was I thinking?

[shoelove]

What, indeed. So sorry you're hurt that your advice wasn't well received.

 

My post had nothing at all to do with my marriage. It had everything to do with me trying to figure out why this is so emotionally painful and how I can stay strong and get past that.

 

But thanks for playing.

[4321sn]

I usderstand how you feel. My MM and I chatted and spoke on the phone daily for hours for two weeks before we met. By the time we actually did meet we were already so connected. The meeting in person was almost secondary. So I understand after 6 weeks why you are hurting.

 

PLEASE be careful about your phone records...that is how I got caught. We spoke for about 24 hours over 2 weeks. 2-3 hour conversations with another area code was a red flag.

[shoelove]

Thanks for the warning. Since we both live so close to each other, we're in the same network with the same provider and the calls don't count toward our total minutes. I looked up on my call detail online, and they don't show up.

 

And, hopefully, the last one was last night. Knock on wood. I really don't know how strong I can be about this. It fluctuates from moment to moment.

[4321sn]

Thanks for the warning. Since we both live so close to each other, we're in the same network with the same provider and the calls don't count toward our total minutes. I looked up on my call detail online, and they don't show up.

 

And, hopefully, the last one was last night. Knock on wood. I really don't know how strong I can be about this. It fluctuates from moment to moment.

 

Well mine was a different area code AND another carrier...I actually went WAY over our minutes which made our bill increase by $190...

I guess I wanted to get caught.

 

try to keep NC. You dont want to be where I am in a year and a half

[jwi71]

What, indeed. So sorry you're hurt that your advice wasn't well received.

 

My post had nothing at all to do with my marriage. It had everything to do with me trying to figure out why this is so emotionally painful and how I can stay strong and get past that.

 

But thanks for playing.

 

 

You missed it then.

 

I gave you advice for how to deal with it. Channel that emotion back into your M.

I told you to go back to your H - to be open and honest. To communicate what is wrong. To tell him how, in the absence of whatever, your need for connection was met by another man. That your M was in crisis. To try and look within yourself as to WHY. To prevent a re-occurrence from happening. To prevent you from walking a dark and painful path whose end is NOT good and filled with shame.

 

However, you are not interested in actually dealing with the problem of WHY and HOW you are here. You want to treat the symptoms. To alleviate the ache, now compounded, and not fully healed. There is NO healing here down the path you believe holds your salve.

 

Think you'll find it bed with another? Yes. For a time. Then its no. Then the real fun begins. I'm sure you have read the stories here - that's a glimpse into YOUR future. If not, then read.

 

No one, certainly not me, can dissuade you.

I strongly urge you to stop. It only gets worse for EVERYONE.

 

And apologies for my first post - it was waaaaay to subtle.

[shoelove]

Yes, I'm so dense that I missed your suave subtleties.

 

If you'd really read my post, you'd see that no one needs to DISSUADE me, I have pulled the plug all on my own. I understand how toxic an affair would be. What I was looking for was support and understanding, but certainly not pity, about how hard it can be to walk away.

 

FWIW, I posted something the other day that has since been removed by the powers that be, I suspect because it made mention of a commercial dating site for married people.

 

In that post, I explained that I am married to a much older man who is in his decline. Ten years ago we invested in a business together and made a great success of it. With the economy the way it is, if we split things up we're both going to wind up destitute. I'm young enough to bounce back. Him? He's got CHF and emphysema. I'm his chipper young wife who loads his med box for him every day and gets him to his doc appts., when I'm not running said business. I'm overworked, overstressed and have been cursed to have been left behind with a healthy sex drive.

 

I thought I could just go and have a purely sexual relationship and "get the itch scratched" as it were, but found out the hard way that I'm not wired like that. I like emotional commitment, and friendship.

 

Therefore, I am backing away before it goes too far. It probably already has in that I AM ONE HURTING UNIT RIGHT NOW. So please, please, please lay off and go judge someone else, ok?

Edited November 25, 2010 by shoelove
typos

[4321sn]

Have you thought about divorce? You are young...If you were thinking of an affair you are obviously unhappy.

 

I left my H and I had NOTHING...I hadnt worked in 11 years. I had no money of my own but I didnt want to remain unhappy forever. Meeting MM was the catalyst...regardless of if it works out with him I do NOT regreat leaving my H. I know there is something better out there for me...

[shoelove]

...........and he's bombarding me with txt msgs on my phone. Wants to know WHAT'S WRONG? I shut the phone off, then I turn it on to see if there are more msgs....and there are. So I shut if off again before I crumble and text back. Should I tell him that we're over? Or should I just let him figure it out. I think that if I tell him, he'll just give me the "I just want to have you in my life whether we have sex or not" line and then two days (or less) down the road it's WHEN ARE WE GOING TO HAVE SEX? For now, I don't have the strength to respond to him and not cave in, so I'll continue to ignore.

 

Ugh.

[bentnotbroken]

Because even if it wasn't a physical affair, it was an emotional relationship with another man. Still a very deep betrayal and he would be incredibly hurt. It's pretty obvious, I would think.

 

 

Because you are having an affair and you don't want to give your husband the same option to treat you the same way you have treated him. You don't want to be hurt or face the music.

[shoelove]

Noooo, because he's old and sick and I won't kick him to the curb to live out his days without decent health insurance or anyone to take care of him. Does NO ONE get that? He's my best friend. But there are no benefits, and for a while I thought I couldn't live without that and I've decided that I'm going to take a stab at it. Sheesh.

 

Y'all want me to approach him and say, "Honey, I love you like a father, but I've been playing around online with another guy and even though it's over I want to tell you all about it so you can feel horrible." ??? Really???

 

Because I guarantee you, he wouldn't leave me, or even blame me.

[whichwayisup]

So why am I hurting so badly today after having deleted all his emails, removed him as a contact on all my devices where I IM, etc.? Is it the attention he gives me? I'm a little mortified that I may have become an "attention whore." When it's good, it's very good. When it's not, it's just, well, LAME.

 

Ego feed, combo that by getting yourself emotionally attached to him. Having him in your life to make you feel needed, cared for and special. It's gone now and you're feeling it.

 

Suggestion is, focus on your friends, woman friends whom you can laugh with, have fun with and destress. Join a yoga group, so you can relax and let your mind have some peace, yoga is something everybody should try.

 

The sex stuff, a vibe combo that with some porn. I know it's not intimate and all, but it could help your cravings! That and invest in a good shower massager!

 

I assume your husband is 20 or more years older than you? I'm sure looking after him isn't easy and that does bring on alot of stress. How long has he been ill?

[pureinheart]

Well SAL, it's one of two things, either it is an "addiction", or you do have feelings for him....I am so sorry about your entire situation and sorry your H is sick...(((((((((hugs to all of you guys))))))))

[Fieldsofgold]

...........and he's bombarding me with txt msgs on my phone. Wants to know WHAT'S WRONG? I shut the phone off, then I turn it on to see if there are more msgs....and there are. So I shut if off again before I crumble and text back. Should I tell him that we're over? Or should I just let him figure it out. I think that if I tell him, he'll just give me the "I just want to have you in my life whether we have sex or not" line and then two days (or less) down the road it's WHEN ARE WE GOING TO HAVE SEX? For now, I don't have the strength to respond to him and not cave in, so I'll continue to ignore.

 

Ugh.

 

some months ago, I was dating this man, supposedly divorced. It was a wonderful relationship - until the neighborhood teens told me about his wife and his other woman. Well-to-do man, high-ranking military, multiple houses, lived with the OW during the week, saw the wife on weekends and the rare week-night. Busy man!

 

Anyway, I've never cottoned to the idea of being #3, so I ended it instantly, more or less. My NC looked more like a wave pattern than a flat line. First I wouldn't talk to him at all, then I started reading some of his e-mails and txts. Then, once in a while I just had to answer one. When I finally was really over him, I was angry with myself for wasting the time and emotional energy that I wasted on him after it was technically "over."

 

There are several reasons why I think it is so hard. First, you're ending the relationship while things are good between you. That's not the normal way. Typically people end R's when they are fighting, or otherwise really not getting along. So you don't have that bad R behavior to help you end it.

 

Also, as some told me when I came here for help, a lot of it is that you simply miss the attention. It's really nice to have the attention, and to KNOW that someone is finding you very desirable. You've said yourself that it's not truly this awesome soulmate connection with him; sometimes you're bored talking to him. But if you keep investing time in him, the bond will grow. So, you're smart to stop now.

 

Also, possibly your personal boundaries were weak, for whatever reason it made it hard to draw a firm line in the sand and not allow him to cross it.also, for me, part of the hook was wondering what the guy was about, what was going on in his head. That can be a real hook, and again, later, I was really angry that I wasted any time trying to figure him out.

 

I think some of what made it hard to sever all communication was boredom in my life. I lived such a routine existence. I realized afterwards that I needed a little more healthy outside interests and excitement.

 

I really empathize with you, because even after I was so disgusted with this guy, it was hard to change my focus and blot him out. I battled with it off and on for several months. When I quit reading his e-mails and blocked his txts, and quit spending any time thinking about him and started focusing on other things in my life, is when I really got over it.

 

I haven't read any of your other posts, so I don't know if my rambling on here is of any help to you, but I hope it is.

 

Reading here, a lot, helped me, too.

[shoelove]

I just got done talking to him on the phone for nearly 3 1/2 hours. H and I went out for a while tonight and H was tired and wanted to go home but told me to go back to friend's house where there was a party. MM texted me and said PLEASE CALL ME. I went driving instead of going back to the party and talked to MM on the phone. The usual mundane stuff, intermixed with some pretty heavy flirting and double entendre. And just when we were going to say good-bye for the night, I told him that I had deleted all of his photos, deleted him from my IM and removed him as a contact on my phone. He said that he had been wondering since yesterday what was going on and figured something like that had happened. He knows that I have a lot of angst regarding this "relationship." He agreed to stop texting and will make no effort to contact me. He was gracious, tender and complimentary. Can I be honest and admit that I'm a little bugged about how easily he "let me go"? AND NO, THERE IS NO FIGURING ME OUT!! AGGGGHHHH!!!!

 

Then he said, "But you are ALWAYS welcome in my life, dear girl, should you ever want ANY kind of relationship with me." UGH UGH UGH So the temptation of contact has been removed from him--->me, but the door is open. I am so weak, but I do not want to go through that door again. I wish he had gotten angry and slammed it shut and took the decision out of my hands.

 

I am soooo thankful for 4321sn, whichwayisup, pureinheart, and Fieldsofgold for helping me to understand my motivations in wanting this so badlly and not making light of it even though it's barely a relationship. Good practical, NON-JUDGMENTAL advice is always welcome. Not always easy to take, but always welcome.

 

To answer your question, yes my husband is 24 years my senior. Heavy ex-smoker, but the damage is done. Every year there are more hospitalizations and less and less that he can do. He's said many times, "You deserve a young man." I owe everything I have and every bit of who I am to this man. He taught me everything I know. But the overwork and stress and frankly, lack of sex are taking a toll on me. He used to be such a vibrant, confident, sexy man. He feels sorry for himself now, and so do I. I just wanted to feel like a woman again instead of a caretaker. And yes, the attention and flirting and flattery was heady stuff indeed. I thought I could pull it off and I was wrong. I need to keep reminding myself of all the things that really bugged me about this guy. And there are more than a few.

[shoelove]

This post is mostly for me, to reaffirm myself and to check my "progress." No contact either way since last night. I thought about him all day and tried to stay busy with holiday activities and to enjoy other people's company. For the most part, I did ok.

 

I did, however, keep looking at my phone and my IM account, thinking he might "break the rules" and initiate contact. He didn't. I'm both relieved and disappointed.

 

And now I'm home and wide awake and alone and trying not to succumb. Pretty sure I'll be able to succeed. Very certain that I'm going to be miserable doing it.

[phillyfan]

I decided last night to go NC with the MM. We have been chatting on the computer and have spent HOURS on the phone for probably the past 6 weeks or so. Also exchanged a huge number of photos. I felt we had an incredible connection and things got very intense very quickly.

 

Lately, I've felt like things were going "stale" and that the relationship needed to go someplace (i.e., physically) or be over. Every time I broach the subject of ending it, he reels me back in. He's been very insistent/persuasive about starting a physical relationship.

 

Frankly, I want to, but I just have this feeling that it would be very emotionally self-destructive for me. The weird thing is, sometimes when I'm talking to him, I'M SO BORED. A few things he's said have evened elicited the occasional eye-roll.

 

So why am I hurting so badly today after having deleted all his emails, removed him as a contact on all my devices where I IM, etc.? Is it the attention he gives me? I'm a little mortified that I may have become an "attention whore." When it's good, it's very good. When it's not, it's just, well, LAME.

 

And yet, I feel as though I've been beaten up today. I so badly want to text him or IM him or call him. I actually added him back on my mobile IM, only to be mortified when I saw that it sent him an "add request." (He doesn't know he's been deleted.) When I panicked a few moments later and deleted the "pending request" it said that he had denied my request. Not sure what the deal with that is, but he does NOT want to end this, so I'm guessing I just got that msg because I was deleting the pending request. Whew, yes I'm a basket case today. He'll be contacting me later tonight, I know he will.

 

I want to be strong and ignore and get this over with, but I am so weak, especially when he's so attentive and persuasive. UGH. I hate this.

 

And yes, I know that if I had let this get physical, my emotional turmoil would be 1,000 times worse right now. I see so much pain here at LS, I almost feel embarrassed for bringing this up when it was nothing, really. But in a way, I became very obsessive/dependent on it. I feel like I'm in detox. Thanks for listening.

 

Oh, and I don't know if it matters, but I'm married as well.

 

The guy just denied some message request from u, so thats a slap in the face. He just wants an affair wit u and wants to keep his wife 2, dont u think thats a bit crappy? Whod choose that type of setup? Sounds like your husband is a good guy, didnt it occur 2 u when u married the guy that hed get old way b4 u? Respect him and look after him when he needs it, ur already makin a joke of the old man.

Edited November 26, 2010 by phillyfan

[Ms. Red]

The guy just denied some message request from u, so thats a slap in the face. He just wants an affair wit u and wants to keep his wife 2, dont u think thats a bit crappy? Whod choose that type of setup? Sounds like your husband is a good guy, didnt it occur 2 u when u married the guy that hed get old way b4 u? Respect him and look after him when he needs it, ur already makin a joke of the old man.

 

Dood! Get a qwerty phone all ready!

[shoelove]

The guy just denied some message request from u, so thats a slap in the face.

 

Actually, no he didn't. I deleted him as a contact from my IM account and later, in a moment of weakness, tried to add him back. When I panicked and cancelled the request, it showed up as a denial. If you'd read futher or more comprehensively, you'd have seen that in a later conversation with him he said that he'd welcome any type of contact from me in the future.

 

Which is killing me right now. I really do wish he HAD slapped me in the face and cut off all contact. The fact that he really took the high road during our last phone conversation and was pretty classy about the whole thing is making it difficult for me to stay away.

 

But I'm on Day Two of NC and still haven't buckled.

[jj33]

Its pretty normal to feel this way. You had the rush of a romantic connection with someone when you arent feeling that sizzle with your H. And now poof this person who you spoke to for hours a day is now gone. The high of the connectoin is gone the romantic sizzle is gone.

 

And of course hes being persistent. He wants what he wants and has experienced the same rush. He was looking forward to taking it forward and you have shut him down.

[shoelove]

I totallly agree. The rush is over, and now it's back to reality.

[4321sn]

I have been reading your posts and have been thinking. I am concerned about you. Idk...you seem so sad. You obviously love your H and are trying to do the right thing by sticking by him through his illness. That is admirable...

I just worry that you are losing yourself. Idk...besides an affair I wish there were another way for you...

Is there no way you would consider a separation? Might seem like a cruddy thing to do... I didn't have all the info earlier and now that I have more I really feel for you...

How are you feeling about everything today?