bitteorca Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Don't want to go on about it too much, but bit of background: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253841/ Tonight she broke up with me by text. Said she didn't see the relationship going anywhere, problems with me being a bad drunk when I do drink, and mostly the fact that I said I still loved my ex-gf when I was drunk once (terrible I know, but I've said sorry and that I don't mean it at all). Also, after a few txts going back and forth, she said she does like me and doesn't regret a thing. She has admitted she has many problems that she has to deal with on her own (her father left before she knew him, she was abused as a child, and her mother died a few years ago...I think this creates many problems), and thanked me for my support with them. She also said I deserve much better, better than what she could offer, and eventually apologised for being a coward by doing it by text. I'm not as bad as I thought I would be. I'm obviously gutted and think I am mostly dealing with emotions concerning rejection. But I think I was more attracted to the idea of this girl, not the actual girl. I saw many red flags/didn't like things about her. My 'family member' also asked me whether I saw myself spending the rest of my life with her, and I said no. I obviously still liked her a lot and enjoyed her company, so I don't know whether me saying 'no' to this question was necessarily a sign that I didn't want to be with her, maybe just an indicator that I may be putting her on a pedestal. What also makes me worry is the fact that it has taken about 1.5 years since my last long-term girlfriend (3.5years) to find a girl who has been worth getting into a relationship with/reciprocates that feeling. I've been with various girls in this time, but never been in a proper relationship since this one that has just ended! Help, I feel rubbish. Also, should I expect to hear back from her from what I have told you if I don't contact her again?
Nkognito Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 You basically explained my story with yours. Except I did not have the drinking ordeal. How long were you with this girl?
Author bitteorca Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 only around 2 months. Known her for 3. Not long I suppose
Am4Real Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Said she didn't see the relationship going anywhere, problems with me being a bad drunk when I do drink, and mostly the fact that I said I still loved my ex-gf when I was drunk once (terrible I know, but I've said sorry and that I don't mean it at all). She has admitted she has many problems that she has to deal with on her own (her father left before she knew him, she was abused as a child, and her mother died a few years ago...I think this creates many problems), and thanked me for my support with them. Let me get this straight or perhaps not: She has problems that prevent her from being with you in a relationship or is it “anyone in a relationship”; whatever she says sounds hokie to me…what does past family problems have to do with having a boyfriend. That’s a stretch. She says you’re a bad drunk! Sounds like she has a good case if you’re professing love for your ex girlfriend when you drink…geez I wonder why she would have an issue with that? After you read the above two bullets is it not better for both of you to move on? Perhaps going forward you might curb your alcohol intake and learn from these misdeeds. Possibly soon you will find a great girl free of issues or whatever this girl's real reasons are for not wanting to be with you anymore.
Nkognito Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 only around 2 months. Known her for 3. Not long I suppose That's exactly how long I was with my previous girlfriend. You might want to explain more in detail because yours and my situations are identical without the drinking. Give us the story.
Author bitteorca Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Let me get this straight or perhaps not: She has problems that prevent her from being with you in a relationship or is it “anyone in a relationship”; whatever she says sounds hokie to me…what does past family problems have to do with having a boyfriend. That’s a stretch. She says you’re a bad drunk! Sounds like she has a good case if you’re professing love for your ex girlfriend when you drink…geez I wonder why she would have an issue with that? After you read the above two bullets is it not better for both of you to move on? Perhaps going forward you might curb your alcohol intake and learn from these misdeeds. Possibly soon you will find a great girl free of issues or whatever this girl's real reasons are for not wanting to be with you anymore. I think problems with abuse and her family are quite significant actually. I think it comes down to her inability to trust males fully. She admitted this to me openly when things were going well. She has issues with males, probably fear of abandonment (I said I loved my ex-gf right?! A big no-no, especially when you take these considerations to note, especially fear of abandonment), and probably lacks self-esteem. And when you think about it, she did this by text and admitted to being a coward. That's obviously saying something right?! I'm not saying that these are the real reasons...she may have just gradually thought that we weren't a good match, I shouldn't take any reason to heart fully I know that, but I just think these issues shouldn't be looked over. I think one thing I hate the most is not knowing fully what the reasons are. I mean, she has provided me with them, and is probably telling the truth to be honest, but your mind flickers and thinks of many things that could have gone wrong. Some of me even thinks she'll be back with me, she'll contact me and say she's made a mistake. But I realise that this is probably a long shot given the nature of the texts - she seemed to have made up her mind, and she wasn't unsure of anything, wasn't asking for a temp-break or space, etc. I know I need to curb my drinking. I also need to live a better social life. Half of my worry is directed towards not finding anyone like her again (although I still think it is the IDEA of her - I made a list of her negative points/negatives with the relationship....and it was plentiful!). And I also need to deal with issues of low self-esteem and an irrational fear of being alone on my behalf as well. I've sent a few emails out to counsellors, as I need to make a change
Author bitteorca Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 (edited) That's exactly how long I was with my previous girlfriend. You might want to explain more in detail because yours and my situations are identical without the drinking. Give us the story. I'm not sure it would be relevant to be honest. But briefly put: Things were going good > I said some stupid **** > things continued to go good even after this for a short period > I start to notice little changes in her behaviour towards me (see original post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253841/) > she breaks up by text basically giving the reasons that I said I love my ex (biggest reason), I am a douche when drunk, and said that I don't struggle to get girls in the heat of an argument (suggesting that when times got rough, I would bail on her for another girl or do something stupid...possibly related to my 'being a bad drunk' issue - do something stupid when drunk). Also, running parallel, she said she doesn't see the relationship going any further between us two. She said that we should still be in our honeymoon period and thinks we bicker too much. I have no idea whether these are the real reasons, but they are the reasons she gave me, and they do sound pretty genuine so I just need to accept them. I asked her after her first text whether these were the real reasons, and she said they were. Also, like I have mentioned (see my above reply) she has many issues. So, in conclusion when I write it out myself, its many reasons. Either she was just making them up as she went along, or they are all genuine reasons. She sounded like she had made up her mind. But it has only been one day. I have no idea whether she will change her mind/start to miss me/regret her decision, at a later date....I know she can be emotional and might have acted on impulse slightly, but then again given the warning signs I noted in my previous thread, she has probably been mulling this through for a bit now. However, I think the main focus here is me, and my unwillingness to accept this. I have only know this girl for 3 months - she's not a stranger, but she is by no means my world! I broke up from a relationship of 3.5years, and then I accepted that I should feel bad etc, because I was completely in love with her, and vicecersa! But this is stupid. 3 months. 3 months! If anything I should be feeling mad that she showed the disrespect to break up over text. I should not be feeling this bad. It signifies problems at the core of myself, problems that I need to address. Edited November 25, 2010 by bitteorca
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I should not be feeling this bad. It signifies problems at the core of myself, problems that I need to address. I found counselling to be very helpful the last time I got dumped. Also it sounds as if there's a possibility that you have a problem with alcohol, which in itself is reason enough to seek professional help.
Author bitteorca Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 I found counselling to be very helpful the last time I got dumped. Also it sounds as if there's a possibility that you have a problem with alcohol, which in itself is reason enough to seek professional help. Yeah thanks. I have sent a few emails to counsellors in my area, as I know I have issues that I need to deal with (my alcohol abuse is probably related to self-esteem and a lack of confidence anyway, along with habit)
Am4Real Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Yeah thanks. I have sent a few emails to counsellors in my area, as I know I have issues that I need to deal with (my alcohol abuse is probably related to self-esteem and a lack of confidence anyway, along with habit) You sound like a guy who has an excellent handle on the issues and is very willing to work on improving. What an excellent position to be in. All the best, Am4Real
Author bitteorca Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 You sound like a guy who has an excellent handle on the issues and is very willing to work on improving. What an excellent position to be in. All the best, Am4Real That truly is a nice thing for you to say. Thanks
Author bitteorca Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Do any of you guys think she will be in contact with me? Also, I realised I have stuff at hers that I need to get back. I'm in no rush for them, but do want them back at some point. How is best to approach this? I'm kind of hoping she will contact me before this, but is that just wishful thinking?! Also, it struck me today..... I have previously talked about the whole problem here is my need for external validation, and thus a relationship. I cannot seem to validate myself inside. are posting on forums like this just an example of needing external validation and advice? If I was happy with myself would I not deal with this by myself and just get through it with time on my own?!
lovebitme Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 should I expect to hear back from her from what I have told you if I don't contact her again? Chances are she'll contact you at least once to see how you are doing. The important question is, if she does, what are her intentions? You may need to just ignore her.
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