JustWannaStop Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 My MM got caught about 6 months ago and I think that he is about to be caught again. Too many people at work know about us and I just found out that a friend of his wife works for our company although she works in a different location. The wife decided to go to dinner with this friend last night after not having done so in about 5 years. Things are just weird and I have a bad feeling that the sh*t's gonna hit the fan again. I wish he would have told me that his wife's friend works here. I would have insisted we be more discreet. Not sure what to do other than hunker down and wait for it. He isn't concerned. He's either dumb, in denial or he wants to get caught. JWS Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 What's the likely impact on you, JWS? Would it jeopardise your job, for example? What's happened since DDay 1? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustWannaStop Posted November 24, 2010 Author Share Posted November 24, 2010 What's the likely impact on you, JWS? Would it jeopardise your job, for example? What's happened since DDay 1? Well when we started the affair I was his manager - bad, bad move on my part but I didn't care. I don't know if my job is in jeopadry or not. I have a new one lined up so I guess I'm again not too concerned. I've been in "eff it" mode for about the last 2 years since my divorce. After DDay1, I took a leave of absence from work to deal with my emotions over being thrown under the bus. I came back and two weeks later we started up again, despite his claims that he is happy and his wife has drastically changed and is "like a new woman". They are supposed to start MC in a couple of weeks but I don't know if they will last that long. I just hope she doesn't come to work to confront me. Link to post Share on other sites
4321sn Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 I think that he may very well want to get caught. My therapist often says that the fear is actually the wish. My MM did and continues to do many risky things. He often says that in some ways it would have be easier if she had found out. Takes responsibility of telling her that he wants a divorce off of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustWannaStop Posted November 24, 2010 Author Share Posted November 24, 2010 I think that he may very well want to get caught. My therapist often says that the fear is actually the wish. My MM did and continues to do many risky things. He often says that in some ways it would have be easier if she had found out. Takes responsibility of telling her that he wants a divorce off of him. I think so too...but he always says how he never wants to hurt her again and how he wants to stop the affair so he can give his marriage an honest go. He gets paranoid when he thinks she may be onto him. But then again, actions speak louder than words. He is with me again, he knows everyone at work knows, he knows her friend works for the same company, he is affectionate with me in public...he basically doesn't hide the fact that we are together. People have asked him and he's denied it but it's so obvious. If I told him that I think he wants to get caught he would deny it and say how happy he is with her despite the fact that he is on sever lockdown and has relinquished possession of his balls to her...... Link to post Share on other sites
siuys Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 Sorry but this is so f*cked up, JWS! My gosh he should make a frigging decision and get on with it. I think by you being there and available to him, he's not having to do anything. Is this what you want? Why would he say his M is good, she's changed bla bla and still have this thing with you? You deserve better. His W deserves better. This guy is a wimp! Sorry... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 My MM got caught about 6 months ago and I think that he is about to be caught again. Too many people at work know about us and I just found out that a friend of his wife works for our company although she works in a different location. The wife decided to go to dinner with this friend last night after not having done so in about 5 years. Things are just weird and I have a bad feeling that the sh*t's gonna hit the fan again. I wish he would have told me that his wife's friend works here. I would have insisted we be more discreet. Not sure what to do other than hunker down and wait for it. He isn't concerned. He's either dumb, in denial or he wants to get caught. JWS I would say it's the bold...I just read that A's are passive ways in some cases of getting out of a M. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustWannaStop Posted November 24, 2010 Author Share Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) Sorry but this is so f*cked up, JWS! My gosh he should make a frigging decision and get on with it. I think by you being there and available to him, he's not having to do anything. Is this what you want? Why would he say his M is good, she's changed bla bla and still have this thing with you? You deserve better. His W deserves better. This guy is a wimp! Sorry... LOL Omg he is such a coward. I've even asked him if his wife supervises him while in the bathroom and makes him sit down to pee. I can be really, really mean! Anyway, I know he needs to make a choice but he will never leave her so maybe he figures this time around she won't take him back. I've told him she seems like the type who would take him back 2846283472647634 times since she is a "good Christian wife" and a "Godly woman". He said if she found out this time there'd be no second chance. I really don't want to be available to him but dammit I'm hooked you know? It's like an effing addiction (I'm a drug addict and this isn't that far off). My life has gone downhill since getting back into this affair. I feel so out of control. I guess I hang on cuz I want him to get caught. Revenge maybe. The first time around he threw me under the bus. He says he would have chosen me but I flipped out on him. Bullsh*t! He also asked me to take a call from him in front of his wife so she could hear him break it off with me. But he insists it wasn't so he could save his @ss and make nice with her. It was for here...so she could move on. If they were going to divorce what difference does it make if he breaks up with me or not? Again bullsh*t. This whole affair is bullsh*t. Edited November 24, 2010 by JustWannaStop Typed too fast! Link to post Share on other sites
Carrot2000 Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 This whole affair is bullsh*t. And you stay in it because...? Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) I dunno...I'm not sure I buy the "wants to get caught" thing. I've read too many times that this is when the REAL groveling begins. I have also read that many times the bs wants to try and fix the M. It may sound like a good theory in the MM's mind in the moment, but when it actually happens they seem to crawl on their knees begging for another chance. I wouldn't put any stock in this theory because he has already shown you once what he will do. Do you even want a guy like that? I say stick to NC and if by chance it happens and he gets the boot then let HIM prove to you that he is worthy of your trust. Be careful. I see some more possible heartache for you with this one. Not trying to be harsh...just saying be careful and be very very leary. Gosh, even though I'm out and moving on I'm still learning new insights by reading here. Good luck and take care of YOU because that is who is important now and always. Edited November 24, 2010 by spice4life Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 My MM got caught about 6 months ago and I think that he is about to be caught again. Too many people at work know about us and I just found out that a friend of his wife works for our company although she works in a different location. The wife decided to go to dinner with this friend last night after not having done so in about 5 years. Things are just weird and I have a bad feeling that the sh*t's gonna hit the fan again. I wish he would have told me that his wife's friend works here. I would have insisted we be more discreet. Not sure what to do other than hunker down and wait for it. He isn't concerned. He's either dumb, in denial or he wants to get caught. JWS Here's praying that the crap is about to hit the fan. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 Here's praying that the crap is about to hit the fan. You're such a bundle of love, Bent!! Why not elaborate so your post is something other than a dig? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 You're such a bundle of love, Bent!! Why not elaborate so your post is something other than a dig? I am praying the wife has been told, she is fully aware and she throws his candy apple azz out in the cold. Elaborate enough. Take the power away from the person with the punk moves. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 I am praying the wife has been told, she is fully aware and she throws his candy apple azz out in the cold. Elaborate enough. Take the power away from the person with the punk moves. And there was no dig. Just short on time since my doorbell was ringing at the time. I do want the wife to know...nothing secret or diggish(is that a word?)about what I would love to see happen. So she gets the same info everyone else is has. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 Here's praying that the crap is about to hit the fan. That sure sounded like a dig to me. And there was no dig. Just short on time since my doorbell was ringing at the time. I do want the wife to know...nothing secret or diggish(is that a word?)about what I would love to see happen. So she gets the same info everyone else is has. Thanks. I getcha. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustWannaStop Posted November 24, 2010 Author Share Posted November 24, 2010 And you stay in it because...? Cuz I'm an idiot Honestly I don't know. I think I'm a glutton for punishment. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 What needs of yours are being met, JWS? What do you get that is more of a good outcome for you, than bad? Is it as simple as 'just' an addiction? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustWannaStop Posted November 24, 2010 Author Share Posted November 24, 2010 I dunno...I'm not sure I buy the "wants to get caught" thing. I've read too many times that this is when the REAL groveling begins. I have also read that many times the bs wants to try and fix the M. It may sound like a good theory in the MM's mind in the moment, but when it actually happens they seem to crawl on their knees begging for another chance. I wouldn't put any stock in this theory because he has already shown you once what he will do. Do you even want a guy like that? I say stick to NC and if by chance it happens and he gets the boot then let HIM prove to you that he is worthy of your trust. Be careful. I see some more possible heartache for you with this one. Not trying to be harsh...just saying be careful and be very very leary. Gosh, even though I'm out and moving on I'm still learning new insights by reading here. Good luck and take care of YOU because that is who is important now and always. He definitely groveled the first time he got caught (and the only time so far!) He put himself into some hard @$$ men's home where he had to read the Bible everyday and get counselling and random drug tests. He was willing to do ANYTHING to get her back. And despite what he says he will be willing again to do anything to fix things if he gets caught again. I just don't understand why he is taking so many risks when he knows she is watching him like a hawk. I'm being cautious and if she does give him the boot I'm not taking him in cuz I don't want him like that. I'm his plan B and always will be his plan B. He's always want her, not me. And someday she may want him back and then I'd be dropped like a bad habit, and rightly so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustWannaStop Posted November 24, 2010 Author Share Posted November 24, 2010 What needs of yours are being met, JWS? What do you get that is more of a good outcome for you, than bad? Is it as simple as 'just' an addiction? I think my need for chaos and drama and self destruction are being meant. My return on investment is definitely negative yet I continue. I have a list of the "cons" and maybe one or two "pros". Logically I know thi is a bad deal for me and I want out but feel stuck. I guess I want an easy way out but I know that doesn't exist. The only way to get out of this is to go through it depsite the pain I'll experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Fieldsofgold Posted November 25, 2010 Share Posted November 25, 2010 This guy sounds pretty messed up, and not like someone you woild ever have a good future with, in th event he did ever get free. Since you have said you are/were an addict, and you see some similarities, maybe you migh think about visiting a program, or getting IC. it might help you figure out what you really want, and how to get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustWannaStop Posted November 25, 2010 Author Share Posted November 25, 2010 This guy sounds pretty messed up, and not like someone you woild ever have a good future with, in th event he did ever get free. Since you have said you are/were an addict, and you see some similarities, maybe you migh think about visiting a program, or getting IC. it might help you figure out what you really want, and how to get it. He is messed up but puts on a front that everything's perfect. I'm not the quintessence of stability either I know a future with him is hopeless. I know I'm wasting my time. I was in a 12 step program for addiction but haven't done that in awhile (I relapsed when I started seeing him again) but I am in IC which helps knock some sense into me, if only for a minute! Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted November 25, 2010 Share Posted November 25, 2010 He definitely groveled the first time he got caught (and the only time so far!) He put himself into some hard @$$ men's home where he had to read the Bible everyday and get counselling and random drug tests. He was willing to do ANYTHING to get her back. And despite what he says he will be willing again to do anything to fix things if he gets caught again. I just don't understand why he is taking so many risks when he knows she is watching him like a hawk. I'm being cautious and if she does give him the boot I'm not taking him in cuz I don't want him like that. I'm his plan B and always will be his plan B. He's always want her, not me. And someday she may want him back and then I'd be dropped like a bad habit, and rightly so. Maybe has serious impulse issues? Did you ever see the movie "Sideways"? Remember how the future groom behaved? Is your guy anything like that? If he is then be happy your NOT with him because he'd do the same thing to you if he doesn't address his impulse issues. Link to post Share on other sites
MorningCoffee Posted November 25, 2010 Share Posted November 25, 2010 I am in IC which helps knock some sense into me, if only for a minute! I totally get this, JWS. Those moments one can be so lucid, then whammo! back into the craziness. Eventually, though, you may want to expand that minute into hours, into days, into weeks, into a future! Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted November 25, 2010 Share Posted November 25, 2010 I don't think hes much worth it for the wife and you even if you did end up with him you would be cheated on when he got bored.Plus how would you be able to trust.This hurts you I'm sure but can you emanation the pain his wife feels I guarantee that their marriage is suffering already.You might be surprised she very well could tell him she has had enough.Move on now and save yourself from more heartache.Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustWannaStop Posted November 25, 2010 Author Share Posted November 25, 2010 Maybe has serious impulse issues? Did you ever see the movie "Sideways"? Remember how the future groom behaved? Is your guy anything like that? If he is then be happy your NOT with him because he'd do the same thing to you if he doesn't address his impulse issues. I haven't seen that movie but will check it out. I think you're right though. I know for certain I have impulse issue and zero moderation or discipline :/ Link to post Share on other sites
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