cantstandit Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 My wife of 8 1/2 years and I split apart about a month ago. We currently still live in our house together, but things have been very difficult for me. For the last year or so of our marriage she had been very elusive physically and emotionally. She began chatting with one of her childhood friends (male) online which made me very jealous. When we split, it was her doing. She said she didn't think she loved me anymore but that she was probably going to be upset with herself later for letting such a great man go. She said she was confused with what she wants, but has immediately started flirting with the OM and making plans to date him at some point. Until this point I was trying to fix things between us. Every time I see her now she just smiles at me and is very nice and polite which kills me. I feel like my heart and gut are twisting around. How can she be so carefree when our 11 year relationship is over? She has PTSD, depression and bpd (jesus she sounds like a head case), so I thought maybe she was genuinely confused about what she wants. However, after seeing her genuinely smile and giggle while talking to this other guy, I think its over. I don't want to think that and I find myself thinking of ways to get her back, but thats what I truly believe. Our family obligations for thanksgiving fell through, so we're supposed to make and eat dinner together tomorrow. She says she's excited to cook with me because we always loved doing that together, but it's spinning my head around. She'll say something like that and my heart will swell and then she wont say anything to me for hours (probably days if I never approached her) and it makes me plunge downward again. We're not legally separated yet, so I don't know what to do about the house. She said she doesn't want either of us to move out yet until we decide for sure what we (she) want(s). All signs point to "no" (god I hate admitting that), but I still feel a connection with her. I feel sick thinking about her with another man, but I feel like fighting would just drive her away or make her resent me. What do I do with my life now?
GorillaTheater Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 What do I do with my life now? You accept the situation and start living life for you. That includes skipping spending tomorrow with your wife if that's what you want to do or if it's too painful to do otherwise. Here's the mindset you need: "I understand that you want to be with this other guy. I get it now. And I think you should go be with him, because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I deserve better. There's thousands of women around here and just one of me, and I like those odds." File for divorce next week, but don't clue her in that you're doing so. Before you do that, separate finances and cancel joint credit cards. Protect yourself. And carry a voice-activated recorder around with you after you file, because if she really is BPD you have to be prepared for her going off the rails (false accusations, etc.) Sorry man. Any kids?
Author cantstandit Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Thanks for your reply. You really think there is no shot whatsoever? I don't even know if I want to get back together with her, I just wish she felt as bad about everything as I do. She seems happy and it doesn't seem fair. I helped her through so much stuff and I get dropped on my ass. No kids luckily : /
Binster Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 No kids -nice one you dodged the bullet. Gorilla's right with what he says. She wants to cook with you - stuff that. Go off and do your own thing let her see what life is going to be like without her safetynet. Do not stand by and be morphed into her next fella, show her tough love.
hART Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 BPD as in bipolar disorder or as in borderline personality disorder? It sounds like borderline, so it might be the disorder doing this to your relationship. I hear they have a hard time making deep connections with people and can be very flighty (love you one minute and hate you the next). If it is bipolar, she might be going unstable and may need to switch meds. Not that meds are a good excuse, because I've never done this to anyone. Anyway, it isn't your fault and she should be shown some tough love. Be very clear on what she is doing to you and what the consequences are going to be (ie divorce). If she is having a psychotic breakdown, don't do anything behind her back or to make her paranoid. Good luck and sorry this happened to you.
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