sehnsucht Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I met A_____ shortly after graduating high school, when we were both just starting college. I've known A_____ for about 10 years now and we have been married for the past five. I have loved her since the day I met her and I really want to be with her for the rest of my life. I have a problem, though. (Of course I do, otherwise I wouldn't be here.) Before I ever met A_____ -- while I was still in high school -- I met D____. D____ was a foreign exchange student. While D____ was here (about three weeks) she and I were instantly attracted to one another and spent most of her time here together. D____ had a boyfriend in her home country that she was falling out of love with. Similarly, I was ready to be out of a bad relationship. (Long story short, I was in a dysfunctional and secret friends-with-benefits relationship with a girl two years older than myself; I wanted more, she didn't.) So, D____ and I were together for about three weeks. We kissed often, but we never made love. Then, she had to go home. I was heartbroken. Thankfully, though, I was able to arrange to be part of the foreign exchange visiting her town. By the time I arrived, she was no longer with her previous boyfriend but she was dating a new boy. Strangely, this didn't bother me. By this time, I think we both really had resigned ourselves to the idea that a relationship between the two of us was impossible, given the distance. Not only that, but I was just about to start college while she was still 17 and had two more years of regular school before she would even start college. So, I went home after my own three weeks in her country, and I went about my normal life. I thought about her less and less but I always treasured the time we had together. As time went by, we more or less fell out of touch -- no more writing back and forth. Eventually, I met A_____ and I fell in love. I still love her. Our relationship, like any, has room for improvement, but I have never and still do not think of it as anything less than steady and stable. We appreciate one another's company and doing simple things together. We enjoy the same activities. We feel at home with one another. Everything was fine until last Friday, when I reconnected with D____ online. It was the first time we had spoken with one another in many years. When we spoke, it was like the past 10 years had not passed at all. I thought it would be awkward speaking again after such a long absence, but it was as comfortable and natural as we had first felt together so many years before. She explained that she had just ended another relationship and is just beginning to see a new man. She made a few flirtatious comments toward me, but nothing overtly sexual or aggressive -- it was really fairly innocent. Apart from that, we got caught back up on where both our lives now stand. Immediately after finishing speaking with her, I realized that I was still in love with her, and that I have always been in love with her. However, the same problem remains -- it is impossible. I find that I can't help thinking about what my life could have been with D____. I feel like in another universe, we probably ended up together. I feel like in that universe, though, part of me also would still probably be pining after A_____. I know it probably sounds strange or unbelievable, but I really feel like both of these women are the two great loves of my life, maybe of all my lifetimes, and that I will never be fully happy without them both featured as a part of my life, no matter the role. I would be perfectly happy being just friends for the rest of my life with D____. That's all that is really possible anyway. The distance alone means at best we will see one another a handful of times throughout the rest of our lives, apart from correspondence. On top of that, I know she has her own life, too, and that anything I would say or do about how I feel would only just interrupt the course of her life. I want her to be happy and I hope that in her heart, she has moved on from me. I do not want to leave A_____. I really do love her in every way. But, I know that I am always going to also love D____ just as much. I know some people will read this and say, "You can't love two people. There must be something wrong with your current relationship that you feel the way you are feeling right now." This is not the case, and I'm not in denial. I feel a closeness to both these women that transcends simple relationship dynamics. I feel like in past lifetimes they have probably been my sisters, my brothers, my wives, my husbands, my children, my parents. I feel an eons-old closeness to them in the very heart of my being. Some will also read this and say, "You need to stop communicating with D____. This will only lead to trouble." I cannot do this, for the reasons I mentioned above. I feel like this past week I have been mourning for a life that I did not and won't ever have the chance to have, because I know how perfect D____ and I could be for one another. At the same time, I feel so lucky to have A_____ as a part of my life each and every day. Without her, I don't know what I would do, because I know I will never be with D____ (at least not this time around). I am writing this because I want to know if anyone else has ever been caught in such a situation, feeling such a heart-rending longing for what might have been while still perfectly enjoying what is.
NoLongerSad Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I've known A_____ for about 10 years now and we have been married for the past five. I have loved her since the day I met her and I really want to be with her for the rest of my life. This is where your post should have ended.
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