I'm not, but I am...? My lame story.

[ItsNeverForever]

I've been a lurker for a while now, and I have to say that LS has helped me tremendously in gaining perspective and trying to understand myself and why I do the things I do when it comes to relationships. My story, I am sure, is nearing its end, but I'd still love for my dear LSers to opine so that I can finally let go. I'm almost there, I think I just need one final little push. I've edited and edited, and just can't seem to make this any shorter, so I apologize for my novella:

 

I saw him for the first time a year ago, and knew the minute I laid eyes on him that he was "it". it was the strangest feeling, and one that now, I wish I had never had. Anyway, at the time, he had a GF. We share the same unique hobby, and spend a lot of time at the same "gym", let's call it. We became "gym pals" about 6 months after I first saw him, and around that time, the GF has been accompanying him to the gym less and less - it was during this time we got to know each other better, discovering that we had TONS in common, and actually kind of becoming BFFs. I liked him more than I did any of my gal pals, and he reminded me almost identically of my best friend in the whole world for the past 25 years, an amazing guy who, if he wasn't gay, I'd be married to. Three months later, I found out that he and the GF were officially broken up. This was corroborated by other folks at the gym, so I felt comfortable with the flirting that began taking place. We had several really nice, normal, respectful dates, of both the group and alone variety. He courted me just the way I had always wanted to be courted, and I was just so happy with the way things were progressing.

 

The problem was/is, the ex-GF, his Baby Mama, still lives in the house. They had never been married, never really even had a great relationship that he felt would ultimately go anywhere. (I've since learned that she believes otherwise.) She is 15 years younger than he, and their child was the result of a VERY short fling. Their son is young (under 5), and for the past two years, they had been trying to have a relationship for the sake of the child having an intact family. It wasn't until they decided to cohabitate a little over a year ago (due to her financial problems) that he really realized it wouldn't work between them. Without getting into too much detail, she is unstable, to say the least - even sometimes to the point of violence against him (but not against the child, as far as I know). He explained that they had moved into separate rooms in the house, agreed that they would both officially start dating others, and she had agreed to move out in 90 days, as she needed that much time to save for a move. I was OK with this, since there was an official date, a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

We were happily dating and everything was going great, but as soon as she found out about me, she went ballistic. This happened at the time we had planned our first weekend together. She flipped out so bad, became so violent, that he had to call the police on her. Long story short, our weekend was ruined, and I was less than happy about it. I gave him some space to deal with this drama, and we continued to see each other, though not as often. My guard was up. Well, after a couple more instances of her sabotaging our time together, I sat down with him and told him that I couldn't and wouldn't play second fiddle to this girl, and that we needed to stop seeing each other. He agreed, saying that after the big blowup a couple weeks prior, she came back all full of remorse and promises to change (just as I TOLD him she would) and that maybe the best thing to do would be to try to give her another chance. Prior to this, and all along, he had said that this had happened so many times over the past few years, and every time, she'd "shape up" for about "five whole minutes", then it was back to her antics, and that he no longer believed or trusted her, and he was done - that no matter what she said, he could never revisit the possibility of a relationship with her, that he was just DONE. You can imagine how I felt now, hearing that he was going back on his word, and choosing the crazy girl over me, the woman who he claimed was the greatest he'd ever met. SIGH.

 

A few weeks went by with no contact, and then I received an email from him, saying his situation was the same but about to change, that she would indeed still be moving out on that original date, and that during this time we had been apart he had just been trying to keep the peace in the house, and not upset me. We started communicating a little more, and before you knew it, one week before her move-out date, we were fully back into our relationship, and better than before. He had introduced me to his best friends and their girlfriends, and we were making plans, so looking forward to being able to really be together. We were so, so happy.

 

Well, moving day came, and she made some CRAZY, ridiculous excuse not to move into the apartment and refused to leave his house. Needless to say, here we were again, our plans cancelled because of her antics. And needless to say, I was FURIOUS, and HURT. The ensuing days were even more ridiculous, as he did nothing to push her out. We had several talks that week, during which he admitted that he is "too soft" when it comes to her, bc she has no family, no real friends that she could stay with, and if he "puts her out", he is, effectively, putting the child out as well. Now, I get this. From a man's standpoint, he needs to provide for his child. But what I can't understand is why he won't stand up, be a man, and tell her that he will keep the kiddo while she gets her living situation straightened out, and at that time they can go back to their 50/50 arrangement. What kind of man doesn't stand up for himself? AND, what kind of man doesn't stand up for his relationship with what he called his "dream woman"??? Talk about HURTING ME. Not to mention modeling such a volatile situation for the child, as a relationship.

 

Also of note, right at this very point in time, he was fearing imminent layoff from his job, and she was getting ready to change jobs to one that requires her to travel 20 days out of the month, which really changes his schedule with the kiddo. All of this was SO overwhelming to him, and he mention that he was afraid of not being able to provide for anyone. I do understand that for a man, this is one of the worst things to be feeling. (Since then, he has found a new, better job and is adjusting to her travelling schedule as best as he can, but he's had to completely change his routines which, at our age, I know all too well really effs with your head - at least for me it does! if my routine or plans get hijacked, I'm a MESS of a person!)

 

I knew that he wanted to be with me, otherwise our relationship would not have progressed. I'm the first one to notice when the scales are out of balance in a relationship, and I won't hang around for one extra minute if I feel that awkwardness. So we continued to see each other as often as possible, barring her antics that sabotaged any potential time together. But in the following weeks, it just became harder and harder. I began to "ride" him about when he was going to get her out of the house, and the pressure for both of us built up so much that we just had to call it quits. That was about 4 weeks ago. We've remained in light contact since, mostly because he continued to text me good morning nearly every day, and I have a really hard time not responding to him.

 

Since we've split, I've started to feel more and more like I was just the OW all along, and it's got me feeling really ridiculous right about now. I don't want to believe it, and even if I'm not truly an OW, effectively, that's how it feels. AND YES, I do realize that there's a 95% chance he has just been cake-eating all along (though I don't want to believe he is so atrocious, and he did mesh me with his friends, after all, which no one I know would ever dare do with the person they were just gettin a little on the side from...). I'd be a complete moron to think that absolutely NOTHING has gone on between the two of them in that house in the last 6 months. But even if it IS the other 5%, all on the up and up, and everything he says is true, the bottom line is he's not really over her. Because if a man really wants to be with you, and is ready to do so, he is with you. Period.

 

The last time we talked was last Thursday. That conversation was slightly heavy bc I was grilling him on what his true motives are with her, since after 4+ weeks I still see no movement towards change, this grilling which he welcomed and answered without hesitation, very intelligently, analytically and confidently - he knew exactly how he felt about the situation and how to express it. He's a very smart man in most regards. But I decided after that conversation that if I kept in LC with him that every X-number of conversations we had, I'd just be back to grilling him again and who wants to live like that? So, I felt it best that if he contacted me from that point forward I should not respond. It's just too hard, being relinquished to part-time friendship, with the man I love and completely adore. So, it's been 5 days now with no word; no good morning texts, nothing. Strange and disheartening - even though I don't want to talk to him, it hurts not to hear from him. Last week he had explained that he's trying to protect us both from snowballing into the same situation in our relationship, where it gets as heavy as it was before, when he still doesn't know when his home situation will be resolved. He said that it is so very difficult for him to stay away, and that he thinks of me every minute of the day, but that he is afraid of hurting me again, and feels more miserable when we're "together but apart" because he can't provide for me the way he wants to, than he does to put up the barriers and stay away.

 

So, that's where I am. I've dated others during the past few weeks, believing it would be the best thing for me. But I'm discovering that I'm not really into it, and it's not really fair to these other men. The worst part, I believe, is realizing that they are not him - nothing even close intellectually, spiritually, humorously!, even...and I just can't enjoy their company or even give them a fair shot. So for now, I've stopped accepting dates and am just trying to focus on spending lots of time with my son, working on personal projects at home, and time with my friends. But he infiltrates every thought, every song on the radio, everything I do. And the longer I go without hearing from him, the more I start to believe that this really is the end, even though he has had me believing that once his home situation is resolved we'll be able to give it a real go. Sure, anything can happen, things change on a dime all the time. Sure, I can hold out hope that in 2, 4, 6 months' time he will have resolved his home situation and be ready to try again with me. But I also know myself, and by that time, I'm not sure I'll be open to letting him in - I get too scared with my heart and I push people and possibilities away when I get impatient. And it makes me really, really sad to think that I've lost the one. I know he's the one. That cliche sounds so stupid, and I never believed it until him.

 

Sad, trying to cope. On 6th day of NC and hoping I stay strong...

[whichwayisup]

If at the end of this, he chooses you, just know that she will be in your lives forever, being their kids mom. You will be step mother to their child, are you prepared for that? That is, if the relationship eventually means you being included in his life to be around their child.

 

It sounds like a mess though, and one thing is, you don't really know what he is telling her behind closed doors. It's good that you're weary, you should be.

 

Try to focus on your own life, friends, family and keep busy. Congrats on the NC, you can do this! his life is full of drama and you don't need to be part of that, even more so since it affects you in a negative way.

[MorningCoffee]

Sorry to hear of your painful situation. Thing is, he is the one who is in a more or less permanent relationship with an emotionally unstable partner, and will remain so because they have a child together. She sounds like a totally untreated disorder of some kind (BPD? Bipolar? ???) and from what I have seen and read, the lives of such unfortuante people are strewn with fractured and tempetuous relationships. Like the old joke "when she's good, she's very, very good and when she's bad, she's very, very bad," I fear she will always be on this roller-coaster and if you stay connected to him, so will you.

 

I once asked a wise person I know why relationships with emotionally unstable people were so different from the usual - the answer was that such people can be extremely seductive and draw you in deeply into their intensely emotional world, often like nothing you have ever experienced before and second, their emotional dysfunction locks in somehow with the other person's dysfunction (often caretaking), and so they become bonded in deeply. Rang true to me, and thought of it when I read your description of his relationship with her. . . doesn't mean he will never be free of entanglement with her, but it is a very difficult thing to achieve, especially with a child involved.

 

You have to do what is best for you, as you cannot change either of them. Best wishes to you.

[ItsNeverForever]

If at the end of this, he chooses you, just know that she will be in your lives forever, being their kids mom. You will be step mother to their child, are you prepared for that? That is, if the relationship eventually means you being included in his life to be around their child.

 

It sounds like a mess though, and one thing is, you don't really know what he is telling her behind closed doors. It's good that you're weary, you should be.

 

Try to focus on your own life, friends, family and keep busy. Congrats on the NC, you can do this! his life is full of drama and you don't need to be part of that, even more so since it affects you in a negative way.

 

 

Thanks, WWIU...yes, I totally understand that she will always be there, and I am definitely prepared to be the step-mom, I adore the kiddo! He's a carbon copy of his father (if I didn't know better, I'd think the mom had nothing to do with it - LOL) and Dad is a FANTASTIC dad. We share all the same views on child-rearing, so aside from her drama, which may never cease as it increasingly seems more of a personality disorder than just immaturity (she's 15 years younger - he and I are both 40-ish...yes, yes I know, I think about it all the time), I am not "afraid" of her and having grown up with a BPD mother, and a very close friend who is Bi-Polar (and chooses not to be treated for it), I feel capably prepared to handle anything she throws my way.

 

But you're right - I really don't know what goes on behind those closed doors, and frankly at this point, I don't feel like I ever want to. It's just what you say - a MESS - and I have enough going on in my life right now to subscribe to much of it.

 

I've been through a lot of really nasty junk in my life, and I keep trying to remind myself that worse things could happen, this is just a speck on the timeline of my life, and I'm going to be okay no matter how it turns out. But I'm also the most impatient person on the planet, who is addicted to the 411...I feel lost if I don't know all the answers or outcomes "right this very second" - LOL - I struggle with this every day. *sigh*

 

Thanks for your support - I can't tell you how much it's helping me to realize that I'm not as crazy/stupid as I feel right now.

[ItsNeverForever]

Sorry to hear of your painful situation. Thing is, he is the one who is in a more or less permanent relationship with an emotionally unstable partner, and will remain so because they have a child together. She sounds like a totally untreated disorder of some kind (BPD? Bipolar? ???) and from what I have seen and read, the lives of such unfortuante people are strewn with fractured and tempetuous relationships. Like the old joke "when she's good, she's very, very good and when she's bad, she's very, very bad," I fear she will always be on this roller-coaster and if you stay connected to him, so will you.

 

I once asked a wise person I know why relationships with emotionally unstable people were so different from the usual - the answer was that such people can be extremely seductive and draw you in deeply into their intensely emotional world, often like nothing you have ever experienced before and second, their emotional dysfunction locks in somehow with the other person's dysfunction (often caretaking), and so they become bonded in deeply. Rang true to me, and thought of it when I read your description of his relationship with her. . . doesn't mean he will never be free of entanglement with her, but it is a very difficult thing to achieve, especially with a child involved.

 

You have to do what is best for you, as you cannot change either of them. Best wishes to you.

 

MorningCoffee, I think you've hit the nail right on the head, on all counts. As I mentioned to WWIU above, she's definitely afflicted with some sort of personality disorder, seems very obvious to me and I think to him as well, though I don't imagine he might share that with me, feeling protective of her as he does even when she behaves absolutely horribly. He actually said to me once that he feared if he forced her out of the house, she'd come back while he was at work and burn it to the ground. Uhmmm...

 

Anyway, this would explain why he feels so locked in to her, and responsible for her well-being. He is 100% a caretaker (as am I), so in some weird way, I don't blame him or even feel anger about it. He seems so sorry and so sad about the whole situation, even cried when we broke it off again 4 weeks ago. I think he feels hopeless.

 

But you're right, there is nothing I can do - someone OVER THERE needs to do the changing. I am the stable constant, and he is so well aware of this fact. I'm just sad that I can almost foresee the future, in that by the time he sorts out this mess my heart is likely to be permanently closed. I hope not, but I know me better than anybody, and my heart can only take so much.

 

Thanks for the well-wishes, it does help. One day at a time...one day at a time...

 

p.s. - I love your name...he and I call each other our morning coffee, it's one of the things we share, our love of early mornings and coffee, often together, that is so opposite of she who would sleep her life away if she could get away with it...again, personality disorder much?

[spice4life]

Sorry to hear of your painful situation. Thing is, he is the one who is in a more or less permanent relationship with an emotionally unstable partner, and will remain so because they have a child together. She sounds like a totally untreated disorder of some kind (BPD? Bipolar? ???) and from what I have seen and read, the lives of such unfortuante people are strewn with fractured and tempetuous relationships. Like the old joke "when she's good, she's very, very good and when she's bad, she's very, very bad," I fear she will always be on this roller-coaster and if you stay connected to him, so will you.

 

I once asked a wise person I know why relationships with emotionally unstable people were so different from the usual - the answer was that such people can be extremely seductive and draw you in deeply into their intensely emotional world, often like nothing you have ever experienced before and second, their emotional dysfunction locks in somehow with the other person's dysfunction (often caretaking), and so they become bonded in deeply. Rang true to me, and thought of it when I read your description of his relationship with her. . . doesn't mean he will never be free of entanglement with her, but it is a very difficult thing to achieve, especially with a child involved.

 

You have to do what is best for you, as you cannot change either of them. Best wishes to you.

 

Wow! Very enlightening post morningcoffee, thanks for sharing.

 

Itsneverforever, I don't have any advice at the moment...just wanted to say sorry you are going through this pain right now. You've already received some incredible advice, so keep posting. The fine people here will help you through.

[ItsNeverForever]

Wouldn't you know it, the very second I hit submit on my OP this morning, I received a text message from him, after not hearing so much as a peep for 5 whole days.

 

He is always so positive, and his daily morning texts to me would always read along the lines of "Happy (insert weekday)!", then some sort of inside joke or sweet sentiment. This one reads:

 

"Happy pre-Thanksgiving! I hope you're having a good week. :)"

 

I have several thoughts about this:

1. It's closed-ended, so I don't need to feel bad for not responding, right?

2. It kind of smells to me...as if he's getting the holiday wish out of the way today so he doesn't have to/won't be able to acknowledge me tomorrow, on the actual holiday. That way he hasn't ignored me on a holiday, which he knows would probably upset me. But that's the natural skeptic in me - my glass is always half empty, unfortunately. Another daily struggle for me...

3. Or, realizing that I also have not contacted him either this past week, and he's just looking for any old reason to text me, to test the waters, to find out why - am I angry, or just busy or giving him space? He's done this both times we split - the first communication both times, after 1-3 weeks of silence was something so blatantly silly or benign and obviously just whatever he could think of to say, to see if I'd reply.

 

I'm not sure what to think, and although we never agreed to go NC and I did not alert him to the fact that I had decided to do so, I really don't know whether to reply or not. I am sure that although I've been so good so far since I instituted NC for myself, I would probably send him a Happy Thanksgiving text tomorrow. I can't help it, I care about him, and of COURSE I'll be thinking of him tomorrow.

 

Right now, my inclination is to ignore the text today, and then tomorrow I'll decide whether I want to send my own sentiment, without acknowledging his text from today. I feel like today he's fishing for how I'm doing, what I'm up to, and am I still there for him. I am, but I just feel so vulnerable right now I don't feel like giving in. Who knows - maybe I text my HT to him tomorrow and he gets it in her presence and his life gets really interesting! Oh, gawd - I can't believe I just had that thought, wishing that kind of misery on him. I suck.

 

Plus, the other part of me believes that if I perpetuate his knowledge that I'm still there, he won't miss the prospect of a healthy relationship and won't be any more motivated to change his situation. Of course, if she's really got a personality disorder then dragging his feet probably has zero to do with his motivation.

 

Anyway, I think and talk far too much. Any thoughts on today's text message?

[spice4life]

Wouldn't you know it, the very second I hit submit on my OP this morning, I received a text message from him, after not hearing so much as a peep for 5 whole days.

 

He is always so positive, and his daily morning texts to me would always read along the lines of "Happy (insert weekday)!", then some sort of inside joke or sweet sentiment. This one reads:

 

"Happy pre-Thanksgiving! I hope you're having a good week. :)"

 

I have several thoughts about this:

1. It's closed-ended, so I don't need to feel bad for not responding, right?

2. It kind of smells to me...as if he's getting the holiday wish out of the way today so he doesn't have to/won't be able to acknowledge me tomorrow, on the actual holiday. That way he hasn't ignored me on a holiday, which he knows would probably upset me. But that's the natural skeptic in me - my glass is always half empty, unfortunately. Another daily struggle for me...

3. Or, realizing that I also have not contacted him either this past week, and he's just looking for any old reason to text me, to test the waters, to find out why - am I angry, or just busy or giving him space? He's done this both times we split - the first communication both times, after 1-3 weeks of silence was something so blatantly silly or benign and obviously just whatever he could think of to say, to see if I'd reply.

 

I'm not sure what to think, and although we never agreed to go NC and I did not alert him to the fact that I had decided to do so, I really don't know whether to reply or not. I am sure that although I've been so good so far since I instituted NC for myself, I would probably send him a Happy Thanksgiving text tomorrow. I can't help it, I care about him, and of COURSE I'll be thinking of him tomorrow.

 

Right now, my inclination is to ignore the text today, and then tomorrow I'll decide whether I want to send my own sentiment, without acknowledging his text from today. I feel like today he's fishing for how I'm doing, what I'm up to, and am I still there for him. I am, but I just feel so vulnerable right now I don't feel like giving in. Who knows - maybe I text my HT to him tomorrow and he gets it in her presence and his life gets really interesting! Oh, gawd - I can't believe I just had that thought, wishing that kind of misery on him. I suck.

 

Plus, the other part of me believes that if I perpetuate his knowledge that I'm still there, he won't miss the prospect of a healthy relationship and won't be any more motivated to change his situation. Of course, if she's really got a personality disorder then dragging his feet probably has zero to do with his motivation.

 

Anyway, I think and talk far too much. Any thoughts on today's text message?

 

Okay, I'm not laughing at you but...lol!!! Boy does that "text" bring back memories. Definitely a "fishing" attempt. I can spot one of those from a hundred miles away! There were times where I thought those types of texts were soooo special and now realize they were just check ins. It was fine at the time though, for me, because there were no more illusions about him being free.

 

I know how you feel, you really care about him and want to wish him a happy holiday despite the circumstances, but it's hard when your feeling resentful of the relationship. It's a very frustrating place to be....for sure.

 

Anyway, that's my take...it's a "sorry, but want to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving anyway" text.

Edited November 24, 2010 by spice4life

[ItsNeverForever]

Ha! No worries, spice...now I'm laughing, too. There was a time in my life, a few (cough-cough) years back, that I would have done a happy dance just to have heard from him, and believed that the text was pure gold.

 

FISHING is the term I couldn't think of when I was posting about it, and knowing him like I do, it is what I'm most inclined to believe is behind the text. It's VERY out of my character to "disappear" like I have, and I'm sure it's bugging him. I think I'll let it bug him a little more. I just don't feel like if I replied now, no matter how equally lame and benign my reply would be, that I could keep my resolve and not let it spiral back into too much contact.

 

Of course, who KNOWS how I'll feel tomorrow...

[ItsNeverForever]

...but any opinions on whether I really am the OW, victim of a cake-eater all along???

 

If I found out that was the case, I'd be so angry and over this whole thing in a blink. I'm sure I'll probably never know, but it does bother me that even though she knew of our relationship, he would never introduce me to her, and really limited my interaction with the kiddo because that "little pitcher has a big mouth". He explained, and I understood it was to protect me from her unstable, evil wrath (and to insure his house isn't burned to the ground!). But every time I think about it, there comes a funny smell in my nostrils...ya know?

 

Probably just another attack of The Great Skeptic that lives in my head...

[spice4life]

...but any opinions on whether I really am the OW, victim of a cake-eater all along???

 

If I found out that was the case, I'd be so angry and over this whole thing in a blink. I'm sure I'll probably never know, but it does bother me that even though she knew of our relationship, he would never introduce me to her, and really limited my interaction with the kiddo because that "little pitcher has a big mouth". He explained, and I understood it was to protect me from her unstable, evil wrath (and to insure his house isn't burned to the ground!). But every time I think about it, there comes a funny smell in my nostrils...ya know?

 

Probably just another attack of The Great Skeptic that lives in my head...

 

Another lol! Regarding the cake-eater question. I suspect no one has jumped on it yet because it's the day before Thanksgiving, people are probably out wrapping up last minute details. I do have to say though, the "victim" of a cake-eater was jumping out at me as I was reading your initial posts. It sounds like the same story yu read about here again and again I'm sorry to say. You know him better than though and if your gut is telling you something don't ignore it. Those "spidey" tingles usually mean where there is smoke there's fire. Sorry for the cliche'.

 

Now I'm off to do some last minute TDay stuff but will check back in later.

[fooled once]

I've been a lurker for a while now, and I have to say that LS has helped me tremendously in gaining perspective and trying to understand myself and why I do the things I do when it comes to relationships. My story, I am sure, is nearing its end, but I'd still love for my dear LSers to opine so that I can finally let go. I'm almost there, I think I just need one final little push. I've edited and edited, and just can't seem to make this any shorter, so I apologize for my novella:

 

I saw him for the first time a year ago, and knew the minute I laid eyes on him that he was "it". it was the strangest feeling, and one that now, I wish I had never had. Anyway, at the time, he had a GF. We share the same unique hobby, and spend a lot of time at the same "gym", let's call it. We became "gym pals" about 6 months after I first saw him, and around that time, the GF has been accompanying him to the gym less and less - it was during this time we got to know each other better, discovering that we had TONS in common, and actually kind of becoming BFFs. I liked him more than I did any of my gal pals, and he reminded me almost identically of my best friend in the whole world for the past 25 years, an amazing guy who, if he wasn't gay, I'd be married to. Three months later, I found out that he and the GF were officially broken up. This was corroborated by other folks at the gym, so I felt comfortable with the flirting that began taking place. We had several really nice, normal, respectful dates, of both the group and alone variety. He courted me just the way I had always wanted to be courted, and I was just so happy with the way things were progressing.

 

The problem was/is, the ex-GF, his Baby Mama, still lives in the house. They had never been married, never really even had a great relationship that he felt would ultimately go anywhere. (I've since learned that she believes otherwise.) She is 15 years younger than he, and their child was the result of a VERY short fling. Their son is young (under 5), and for the past two years, they had been trying to have a relationship for the sake of the child having an intact family. It wasn't until they decided to cohabitate a little over a year ago (due to her financial problems) that he really realized it wouldn't work between them. Without getting into too much detail, she is unstable, to say the least - even sometimes to the point of violence against him (but not against the child, as far as I know). He explained that they had moved into separate rooms in the house, agreed that they would both officially start dating others, and she had agreed to move out in 90 days, as she needed that much time to save for a move. I was OK with this, since there was an official date, a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

*Baby-Mama or not, he is the one who chose to have sex with her (short or long fling) and he is the one who chose to be a dad to the child. Something about her caught/catches his interest and he stays. Isn't it always great how it is the women who are these baby-mama's who are the co-dependent, needy, fiscally irresponsible ones? And unstable too I wonder if he has ANY responsibility for any of it? Did he invite her to live with him? Did he do anything (such as gaslighting her regarding his affair with you) to cause her to have issues? I mean, we see it here all the time about how these men LIE and LIE to their wives/baby-mama's about the mistress "no honey, those must be your panties on the floor/in my truck/in my office" "no honey, I am not texting all the time with a girl - it is work stuff" "no honey, you don't smell sex on me, I have just been working up a sweat doing xyz". See where I am going with this? Your post screams how it is all HER fault...yet, I don't see him rushing out the door.

 

We were happily dating and everything was going great, but as soon as she found out about me, she went ballistic. This happened at the time we had planned our first weekend together. She flipped out so bad, became so violent, that he had to call the police on her. Long story short, our weekend was ruined, and I was less than happy about it. I gave him some space to deal with this drama, and we continued to see each other, though not as often. My guard was up. Well, after a couple more instances of her sabotaging our time together, I sat down with him and told him that I couldn't and wouldn't play second fiddle to this girl, and that we needed to stop seeing each other. He agreed, saying that after the big blowup a couple weeks prior, she came back all full of remorse and promises to change (just as I TOLD him she would) and that maybe the best thing to do would be to try to give her another chance. Prior to this, and all along, he had said that this had happened so many times over the past few years, and every time, she'd "shape up" for about "five whole minutes", then it was back to her antics, and that he no longer believed or trusted her, and he was done - that no matter what she said, he could never revisit the possibility of a relationship with her, that he was just DONE. You can imagine how I felt now, hearing that he was going back on his word, and choosing the crazy girl over me, the woman who he claimed was the greatest he'd ever met. SIGH.

 

*And how did she find out about you? Did he tell her, when you were right there to hear it, that he was dating you now since they are just parents? Did he lie to her and he got busted? If they are "just roomies", why the need to not be open and honest about things? Did you see the police report? Most times when the police are called, someone is going to jail for domestic violence. And then you throw in the fact that as of yet, she isn't abusive to the child, as far as you know! Again, are you there when these fights happen? Do you see/hear first hand what transpired?

 

I do wonder tho, when is he being this great dad since he seems to either be at work or be with you?

 

Isn't it interesting, like you stated, how she is this raving crazy woman, yet he continues to try to make things work with her? I bet it was a slap in the face when he told you, after telling you all the time about what a nut job she is, how he was going to stay and make it work! I am being serious.

 

But you took him back. So truly, you both are the same. You both state who you are tired of the games (him and her / you and him) yet you both continue to tolerate it (him and her / you and him). Neither one of you backs up what you are saying with actions.

A few weeks went by with no contact, and then I received an email from him, saying his situation was the same but about to change, that she would indeed still be moving out on that original date, and that during this time we had been apart he had just been trying to keep the peace in the house, and not upset me. We started communicating a little more, and before you knew it, one week before her move-out date, we were fully back into our relationship, and better than before. He had introduced me to his best friends and their girlfriends, and we were making plans, so looking forward to being able to really be together. We were so, so happy.

 

*Ah yes, the "things are about to change" line. Did they change? Did she move out? Oh, no, she didn't. She allegedly made some CRAZY excuse not to move. And he said "okay hon".

 

Well, moving day came, and she made some CRAZY, ridiculous excuse not to move into the apartment and refused to leave his house. Needless to say, here we were again, our plans cancelled because of her antics. And needless to say, I was FURIOUS, and HURT. The ensuing days were even more ridiculous, as he did nothing to push her out. We had several talks that week, during which he admitted that he is "too soft" when it comes to her, bc she has no family, no real friends that she could stay with, and if he "puts her out", he is, effectively, putting the child out as well. Now, I get this. From a man's standpoint, he needs to provide for his child. But what I can't understand is why he won't stand up, be a man, and tell her that he will keep the kiddo while she gets her living situation straightened out, and at that time they can go back to their 50/50 arrangement. What kind of man doesn't stand up for himself? AND, what kind of man doesn't stand up for his relationship with what he called his "dream woman"??? Talk about HURTING ME. Not to mention modeling such a volatile situation for the child, as a relationship.

 

*He isn't going to push her out because he hasn't had enough. YOU have had enough with her, but he hasn't. You can't make him be done with her. You can only control YOU and when YOU are done with him because he isn't done with her. And yeah, him putting her out does equate to him putting his child out unless he has active plans on what to do with his child. I mean, it isn't like he can date you secretly and be an effective parent because honestly, it isn't fair to that child to see daddy and you together. That confuses the child. You should not be anywhere near that child until they are COMPLETELY 1000% done and visitation agreements are in place. And then a few more months later because it isn't right or fair to the child to have mom not with dad but faster than child can blink, dad has his new friend over and is hugging and kissing them and that person is there in the morning when the child wakes up. I was engaged to my H before our kids knew we were having sleep overs. Maybe that makes me a prude; but I don't think kids needs to have their parents sex lives thrown in their face.

Also of note, right at this very point in time, he was fearing imminent layoff from his job, and she was getting ready to change jobs to one that requires her to travel 20 days out of the month, which really changes his schedule with the kiddo. All of this was SO overwhelming to him, and he mention that he was afraid of not being able to provide for anyone. I do understand that for a man, this is one of the worst things to be feeling. (Since then, he has found a new, better job and is adjusting to her travelling schedule as best as he can, but he's had to completely change his routines which, at our age, I know all too well really effs with your head - at least for me it does! if my routine or plans get hijacked, I'm a MESS of a person!)

 

 

*Actually, sounds like you are giving an excuse for him (ie how he has had to change his routines because of her traveling). Not everyone has issues with change like that I love change. Help me feel invigorated (and I am probably a little older than you!).

 

I knew that he wanted to be with me, otherwise our relationship would not have progressed. I'm the first one to notice when the scales are out of balance in a relationship, and I won't hang around for one extra minute if I feel that awkwardness. So we continued to see each other as often as possible, barring her antics that sabotaged any potential time together. But in the following weeks, it just became harder and harder. I began to "ride" him about when he was going to get her out of the house, and the pressure for both of us built up so much that we just had to call it quits. That was about 4 weeks ago. We've remained in light contact since, mostly because he continued to text me good morning nearly every day, and I have a really hard time not responding to him.

 

*Not saying he doesn't care about you -- but I wouldn't base his feelings for you on your relationship progressing. what I mean is, cake eaters have no problem saying one thing, when in reality, it isn't that way. He likes having a baby-mama and a girlfriend who both want him. Talk about an EGO boost! He has you there for intellectual conversations; and the girl 15 years younger for the trophy on his arm (and I am not saying you aren't attractive and she is - I have no idea what either of you look like - but he must like the looks of both of you since he wants both of you). He likes the attention. He likes being THE BIG GUY to 2 women. You have been with him 6 months. And now you are having to "ride him" to get rid of her. Why do you feel the need to do that? You yourself said if a man wants to be with a woman, he would be. What does that tell you about your situation? About his situation? You having to "ride him" sounds like you have taken over role of being mom to him -- telling him who he can live with and who he can't. You should be his equal, not someone who has to tell him to end his prior relationship.

 

Since we've split, I've started to feel more and more like I was just the OW all along, and it's got me feeling really ridiculous right about now. I don't want to believe it, and even if I'm not truly an OW, effectively, that's how it feels. AND YES, I do realize that there's a 95% chance he has just been cake-eating all along (though I don't want to believe he is so atrocious, and he did mesh me with his friends, after all, which no one I know would ever dare do with the person they were just gettin a little on the side from...). I'd be a complete moron to think that absolutely NOTHING has gone on between the two of them in that house in the last 6 months. But even if it IS the other 5%, all on the up and up, and everything he says is true, the bottom line is he's not really over her. Because if a man really wants to be with you, and is ready to do so, he is with you. Period.

 

*I think you have been the OW all along. Nothing in your post led me to believe otherwise. He continued to choose the baby mama/wife, like many MM do. He continued to do things to make her happy. He continued to cancel plans with you. IF he was done with her, he wouldn't have done that to you. Many MM mesh their OW with 'some' of their friends. Hell, many MM introduce the mistress to family! And you are smart to realize that nothing has gone on between them physically for 6 months. Better to be smart than stupid, ya know?

The last time we talked was last Thursday. That conversation was slightly heavy bc I was grilling him on what his true motives are with her, since after 4+ weeks I still see no movement towards change, this grilling which he welcomed and answered without hesitation, very intelligently, analytically and confidently - he knew exactly how he felt about the situation and how to express it. He's a very smart man in most regards. But I decided after that conversation that if I kept in LC with him that every X-number of conversations we had, I'd just be back to grilling him again and who wants to live like that? So, I felt it best that if he contacted me from that point forward I should not respond. It's just too hard, being relinquished to part-time friendship, with the man I love and completely adore. So, it's been 5 days now with no word; no good morning texts, nothing. Strange and disheartening - even though I don't want to talk to him, it hurts not to hear from him. Last week he had explained that he's trying to protect us both from snowballing into the same situation in our relationship, where it gets as heavy as it was before, when he still doesn't know when his home situation will be resolved. He said that it is so very difficult for him to stay away, and that he thinks of me every minute of the day, but that he is afraid of hurting me again, and feels more miserable when we're "together but apart" because he can't provide for me the way he wants to, than he does to put up the barriers and stay away.

 

*So while they are celebrating the holidays together as a family, will you still be waiting in the wings for when he can sneak a text to you? Man, I hate how OW live like that. I hate that they accept crumbs from men.

 

You sound very confident, smart and 'together' -- so if I were in your shoes, I would cut my losses after 6 months, call it a life lesson and move forward.

 

Because to stay where you are is not healthy. YOU WANT MORE...he can't give that to you right now. Or he won't. Bottom line is, he is choosing to stay put for now.

 

So, that's where I am. I've dated others during the past few weeks, believing it would be the best thing for me. But I'm discovering that I'm not really into it, and it's not really fair to these other men. The worst part, I believe, is realizing that they are not him - nothing even close intellectually, spiritually, humorously!, even...and I just can't enjoy their company or even give them a fair shot. So for now, I've stopped accepting dates and am just trying to focus on spending lots of time with my son, working on personal projects at home, and time with my friends. But he infiltrates every thought, every song on the radio, everything I do. And the longer I go without hearing from him, the more I start to believe that this really is the end, even though he has had me believing that once his home situation is resolved we'll be able to give it a real go. Sure, anything can happen, things change on a dime all the time. Sure, I can hold out hope that in 2, 4, 6 months' time he will have resolved his home situation and be ready to try again with me. But I also know myself, and by that time, I'm not sure I'll be open to letting him in - I get too scared with my heart and I push people and possibilities away when I get impatient. And it makes me really, really sad to think that I've lost the one. I know he's the one. That cliche sounds so stupid, and I never believed it until him.

 

Sad, trying to cope. On 6th day of NC and hoping I stay strong...

 

Answers above in bold. I think you are doing good - stay strong. DO NOT respond to his text. I think he only sent you that text for the exact reason you stated, so when you don't get one tomorrow, he can tell you he wished you a Happy Thanksgiving the day prior so he felt he did his part

 

Yes it is hard to be NC. Yes it hurt.

 

But don't you think it will hurt more in a year from now when things are still the same for him?

 

 

Sorry to hear of your painful situation. Thing is, he is the one who is in a more or less permanent relationship with an emotionally unstable partner, and will remain so because they have a child together. She sounds like a totally untreated disorder of some kind (BPD? Bipolar? ???) and from what I have seen and read, the lives of such unfortuante people are strewn with fractured and tempetuous relationships. Like the old joke "when she's good, she's very, very good and when she's bad, she's very, very bad," I fear she will always be on this roller-coaster and if you stay connected to him, so will you. I once asked a wise person I know why relationships with emotionally unstable people were so different from the usual - the answer was that such people can be extremely seductive and draw you in deeply into their intensely emotional world, often like nothing you have ever experienced before and second, their emotional dysfunction locks in somehow with the other person's dysfunction (often caretaking), and so they become bonded in deeply. Rang true to me, and thought of it when I read your description of his relationship with her. . . doesn't mean he will never be free of entanglement with her, but it is a very difficult thing to achieve, especially with a child involved.

 

You have to do what is best for you, as you cannot change either of them. Best wishes to you.

 

*Sorry, I just have to say, I hate hate hate how internet people throw around diagnsis for people they don't know. Bipolar is a terribly crippling disease. Not ALL bi-polar people are like described here, which lets admit, is a cheating man's perspective. I lost a dear from who was bi-polar (as in medically evaluated and diagnosed) almost 3 years ago. My friend fought hard to be "normal" and it hurt him so bad that he let others down. He didn't CHOOSE to have bi-polar. But he educated himself and taught me so much about it. And just because someone is bi-polar it doesn't make them any less a person or their issues any more than lets say a pathological liar. PEOPLE have issues, some worse, some better. I know my friend would do ANYTHING for ANYONE - maybe he just wasn't the "norm" for the way so many seem to think of someone with bi-polar. At least someone with a mental disability has an "excuse" for crappy behavior, what about those that are "normal" yet treat people crappy?

 

Thanks, WWIU...yes, I totally understand that she will always be there, and I am definitely prepared to be the step-mom, I adore the kiddo! He's a carbon copy of his father (if I didn't know better, I'd think the mom had nothing to do with it - LOL) and Dad is a FANTASTIC dad. We share all the same views on child-rearing, so aside from her drama, which may never cease as it increasingly seems more of a personality disorder than just immaturity (she's 15 years younger - he and I are both 40-ish...yes, yes I know, I think about it all the time), I am not "afraid" of her and having grown up with a BPD mother, and a very close friend who is Bi-Polar (and chooses not to be treated for it), I feel capably prepared to handle anything she throws my way.

 

* I also want to add .... you do realize that being a stepmom is no walk in the park, right?

 

You do realize that many, many cases of blended families of people who love and adore each other are torn over treatment of kids, right? You do realize that while you believe you both have the same parenting styles, that when put into an actual blended family, that can and does go to hell really quick? Many times the dads are the ones who are so passive, so lenient with their kids and the stepmom becomes the hard ass, the one always picking on "his" kid and it can and may times becomes a "my kid vs your kid" situation. Did you know that 2nd marriages fail 70% of the time and the #1 cause of that is the kids. Not the kids trying to break up the newly married couple by wanting their bio parents together, but because of all the fighting by the newly married couple over the treatment of the other's kid.

 

But you're right - I really don't know what goes on behind those closed doors, and frankly at this point, I don't feel like I ever want to. It's just what you say - a MESS - and I have enough going on in my life right now to subscribe to much of it.

 

I've been through a lot of really nasty junk in my life, and I keep trying to remind myself that worse things could happen, this is just a speck on the timeline of my life, and I'm going to be okay no matter how it turns out. But I'm also the most impatient person on the planet, who is addicted to the 411...I feel lost if I don't know all the answers or outcomes "right this very second" - LOL - I struggle with this every day. *sigh*

 

Thanks for your support - I can't tell you how much it's helping me to realize that I'm not as crazy/stupid as I feel right now.

 

Good luck to you. I hope things work out so you can have some peace.

[MorningCoffee]

FO, I was speculating ("sounds like"), not diagnosing ("she must be . . . "

 

The behavior OP described (assuming her AP is telling the truth) resembles behavior I am aware of in two different situations IRL involving two different people with diagnosed but untreated emotional disorders. The point of my comment was to respond to her wondering why (again assuming AP is truthful) AP stayed despite such behavior, and offered one take by way of explanation.

 

Whatever the true cause of the actual situation may be, bottom line is still OP must take care of herself, as she is the only one for whom she can do so.

[ItsNeverForever]

Wow - thanks for the lengthy response, Fooled. I totally undersatnd what you're saying, and of course my natural inclination as a skeptic who has a hard time believing things that smell like sh*t ('cause it smells like sh*t!) is to agree with you on all counts. But I would like to address some of the questions/assumptions you made in your bolded statements up there:

 

*Baby-Mama or not, he is the one who chose to have sex with her (short or long fling) and he is the one who chose to be a dad to the child. Something about her caught/catches his interest and he stays. Isn't it always great how it is the women who are these baby-mama's who are the co-dependent, needy, fiscally irresponsible ones? And unstable too I wonder if he has ANY responsibility for any of it? Did he invite her to live with him?

Well, you're right. he chose to be a dad to the child, and it's a good thing because I would never entertain the idea of dating a man who wasn't active in his own child's life - that's inexcusable. Call me old-fashioned, but unless you're dead or in jail, you're a dirtbag if you're not interested in fathering/rearing your own child, whether you're married to the mother or not. My son's father is absentee by choice, and it's a constant fight to explain to him why his son doesn't call him "dad" (which he whines about all the time and thinks that I must have perpetuated this "mean" behavior from his son - moron...) but the kid doesn't know him but for meeting him twice and talking to him on the phone a handful of times a year (he lives overseas with his new wife and their children).

 

As far as MM's responsibility, well, of COURSE he's just as responsible for this mess as she is, though I'm not sure she's capable of realizing it or doing anything about it, whereas he is fully cognizant of what needs to happen yet just as paralyzed (or happy with her super-comfortable, easy way of life with Mr. I'll Take Care of You, Don't Worry) as she apparently is. He didn't exactly "invite" her to live there. He owned that house and had renters; when miss fiscally irresponsible needed a place to live, he moved the renters out and moved her and the kiddo into the house. He was living out of state at the time. At a certain point, he moved back here (not sure where he was living) and a little over a year ago was laid off from his job, and decided he needed his house back...blah blah blah...she "convinced" him that it would be a good idea for them to give it another try together and co-habitate. People make stupid decisions all the time, eh?

 

 

Did he do anything (such as gaslighting her regarding his affair with you) to cause her to have issues? I mean, we see it here all the time about how these men LIE and LIE to their wives/baby-mama's about the mistress "no honey, those must be your panties on the floor/in my truck/in my office" "no honey, I am not texting all the time with a girl - it is work stuff" "no honey, you don't smell sex on me, I have just been working up a sweat doing xyz". See where I am going with this? Your post screams how it is all HER fault...yet, I don't see him rushing out the door. Well, since I'm not a fly on the wall, I suppose gaslighting could have been taking place, but I have it on good authority from more than one source that no, they were officially broken up for good before we started seeing each other, Besides that, she's had her "issues" long before the timeline of our relationship, which is why they weren't together at all even during the pregnancy or for the first two years of the kiddo's life. Trust me though, I've been the victim of gaslighting more times than I care to admit, and I totally understand what you're saying...that can drive ANY woman batty. And please know, again, that I am not so deluded to believe that his ridiculous situation is all HER fault. That's a hilarious thought! My post may lean in that direction because the reason we split is because she didn't move out as "promised". Her lack of action has perpetuated my misery. But apparently not his, eh?

 

*And how did she find out about you? Did he tell her, when you were right there to hear it, that he was dating you now since they are just parents? Did he lie to her and he got busted? If they are "just roomies", why the need to not be open and honest about things? Did you see the police report? Most times when the police are called, someone is going to jail for domestic violence. And then you throw in the fact that as of yet, she isn't abusive to the child, as far as you know! Again, are you there when these fights… *sigh* He (says) he had told her he was dating someone and she acted indifferent until the day she found a note I had written him that I had signed with a heart and my initial. I guess that's when she knew it was true, and she flipped out, ranting about how rotten it was of him to have "replaced" her so quickly, etc., and that's the day the cops were called. She flew the coop before the police arrived, and I was on the phone with him when they were there, taking the report. But that's all they did was take a report, he didn't file any charges, once again, feeling sorry for her and worrying about the kiddo (who was crying in the background as the fight was taking place and MM was calling the police, worried, because he "didn't want his Mommy to go to jail"). MM's reason for not telling her everything about us, and being way out in the open, he stated, was to protect me and MY son from her crazy behavior. As far as I know he wasn't exactly lying to her about us, just omitting most of the details. She speculated that it was someone at the gym with the same initial as mine and as he says, she gave him constant hell about it - "did you see your "X" today??!!" or "you sure came home late - were you out having fun with your "X"??!!!". I suppose at this point, in his shoes, I probably would have started denying it to get her off my back, if I was just riding out the remaining days until her scheduled move. So maybe there are the lies you ask about, I dunno. The thing is, everyone at the gym knew we were together, and this used to be HER gym, with the SAME gym buddies in common, so if she really wanted to know who I was it wouldn't have been difficult to do so, so we assumed she was beginning to accept reality. (However, my guess is that having been a young, impetuous girl once myself, she believed she could change his mind as long as she was still in the house. Annnnnnd, it looks like she was right.) *sigh*

 

*I do wonder tho, when is he being this great dad since he seems to either be at work or be with you? Ok, Fooled...hear me here...that was NEVER the case. he spent more time, by FAR, with the child than he did with me. And if it had been any other way, I wouldn't be attracted to him. Period. His son ALWAYS comes first. I respect and EXPECT that from a man. However, our children also share this same hobby and were frequently with us at the gym. We both are of the belief that you don't involve children in your relationship until it has become very serious, i.e. there's a ring on my finger. When the kids were around, we behaved merely as friends - no PDA's, etc. That's something we both take very seriously - it's one thing to risk our own hearts, but we won't play with our kids' hearts. We were only together on HER nights/days with the kiddo, per their 50/50 custody that's been in place for two years, and even then not EVERY night he didn't have the kiddo, bc he and I are both very independent, plus I have responsibilities to my boy, too.

 

*Isn't it interesting, like you stated, how she is this raving crazy woman, yet he continues to try to make things work with her? I bet it was a slap in the face when he told you, after telling you all the time about what a nut job she is, how he was going to stay and make it work! I am being serious. But you took him back. So truly, you both are the same. You both state who you are tired of the games (him and her / you and him) yet you both continue to tolerate it (him and her / you and him). Neither one of you backs up what you are saying with actions. Slap in the face is an understatement...that's why I told him off at that point. And yes, then took him back a month later. And, look what that got me. Which is WHY I'm backing it up with actions as best as I can this time. It's been hard...but I've only seen him twice in the last 4.5 weeks, and communicated very infrequently, and trying to change that to NEVER. I think we're both trying. So far we've kind of sucked at it, but I'm getting better at it faster than he is.

 

*He isn't going to push her out because he hasn't had enough. YOU have had enough with her, but he hasn't. You can't make him be done with her. You can only control YOU and when YOU are done with him because he isn't done with her. Nail on the head. He obviously hasn't had enough. Nobody does anything unless they REALLY WANT TO. And you're right, I can't MAKE him do anything. But it does suck a$$ to be told you're the end all and be all, but yet that's still not enough.

And yeah, him putting her out does equate to him putting his child out unless he has active plans on what to do with his child. I mean, it isn't like he can date you secretly and be an effective parent because honestly, it isn't fair to that child to see daddy and you together. That confuses the child. You should not be anywhere near that child until they are COMPLETELY 1000% done and visitation agreements are in place. And then a few more months later because it isn't right or fair to the child to have mom not with dad but faster than child can blink, dad has his new friend over and is hugging and kissing them and that person is there in the morning when the child wakes up. I was engaged to my H before our kids knew we were having sleep overs. Maybe that makes me a prude; but I don't think kids needs to have their parents sex lives thrown in their face. As I mentioned above, our kids are only aware that we are friends. There is NO ROMANCE taking place within their view. I would NEVER have sleepovers in the kids' presence until, like with you, there was a ring involved. Period. I think beyond being weird and uncomfortable for the kids, it's kind of gross and definitely inappropriate. Kids need to be kids for as long as we can keep them that way! So, if that makes you and I prudes, well then, I guess we'd better just start our own club. LOL!

 

 

*Actually, sounds like you are giving an excuse for him (ie how he has had to change his routines because of her traveling). Not everyone has issues with change like that I love change. Help me feel invigorated (and I am probably a little older than you!). Well, excusing him wasn't my intention there, I think I was trying to assuage myself by realizing that his life has gotten more difficult to manage, so how to manage a relationship too? I dunno, you're right though. it pretty much boils down to making an excuse for him. Damn. And p.s., You might be a little older than me, but I'm no spring chicken (40) so don't be so sure!

 

*Not saying he doesn't care about you -- but I wouldn't base his feelings for you on your relationship progressing. what I mean is, cake eaters have no problem saying one thing, when in reality, it isn't that way. He likes having a baby-mama and a girlfriend who both want him. Talk about an EGO boost! He has you there for intellectual conversations; and the girl 15 years younger for the trophy on his arm (and I am not saying you aren't attractive and she is - I have no idea what either of you look like - but he must like the looks of both of you since he wants both of you). He likes the attention. He likes being THE BIG GUY to 2 women. You have been with him 6 months. And now you are having to "ride him" to get rid of her. Why do you feel the need to do that? You yourself said if a man wants to be with a woman, he would be. What does that tell you about your situation? About his situation? You having to "ride him" sounds like you have taken over role of being mom to him -- telling him who he can live with and who he can't. You should be his equal, not someone who has to tell him to end his prior relationship. Oh trust me, I see this...frequently, it is these thoughts that keep me awake at night. DUH! What man wouldn't want such an ego-boost when it's so easy to get it? As far as "riding" him, I'm not really that kind of person...but I started to feel like I was becoming that nag, and that's what I didn't like. I have a son to be Mom to, I don't need another one! My "riding" him, I guess, was my way of trying to put my foot down, and let him know that it was her or me. I'm really good at it, can't you tell? ugh.

 

 

*So while they are celebrating the holidays together as a family, will you still be waiting in the wings for when he can sneak a text to you? Man, I hate how OW live like that. I hate that they accept crumbs from men. Ugh. Have you read my post from yesterday about THAT? I wasn't made to wait around, but I definitely didn't make the right decision. My Thanksgiving was miserable and I hate myself for doing that to myself, because those crumbs tasted RANCID.

 

*YOU WANT MORE...he can't give that to you right now. Or he won't. Bottom line is, he is choosing to stay put for now. Can I get an AMEN?

 

*I also want to add .... you do realize that being a stepmom is no walk in the park, right? You do realize that many, many cases of blended families of people who love and adore each other are torn over treatment of kids, right? You do realize that while you believe you both have the same parenting styles, that when put into an actual blended family, that can and does go to hell really quick? Many times the dads are the ones who are so passive, so lenient with their kids and the stepmom becomes the hard ass, the one always picking on "his" kid and it can and may times becomes a "my kid vs your kid" situation. Did you know that 2nd marriages fail 70% of the time and the #1 cause of that is the kids. Not the kids trying to break up the newly married couple by wanting their bio parents together, but because of all the fighting by the newly married couple over the treatment of the other's kid. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. And it doesn't scare me. I AM a Mom, I love being one, and I would mother ANY child who needed it in ANY capacity, and deal with any crap that comes along with it when the time comes. I'm a tough chick, I'm up for it. Because our kids spend so much time with us at the gym, they know and like each other, my son gets along famously with MM, as do I with MM's kiddo. He and I always treated the boys equally -same rules, behavioral expectations, and almost co-parenting, in a way. But that's neither here nor there now.

[ItsNeverForever]

*Sorry, I just have to say, I hate hate hate how internet people throw around diagnsis for people they don't know. Bipolar is a terribly crippling disease. Not ALL bi-polar people are like described here, which lets admit, is a cheating man's perspective. I lost a dear from who was bi-polar (as in medically evaluated and diagnosed) almost 3 years ago. My friend fought hard to be "normal" and it hurt him so bad that he let others down. He didn't CHOOSE to have bi-polar. But he educated himself and taught me so much about it. And just because someone is bi-polar it doesn't make them any less a person or their issues any more than lets say a pathological liar. PEOPLE have issues, some worse, some better. I know my friend would do ANYTHING for ANYONE - maybe he just wasn't the "norm" for the way so many seem to think of someone with bi-polar. At least someone with a mental disability has an "excuse" for crappy behavior, what about those that are "normal" yet treat people crappy?

 

FO, please know that no one's intent was to make light of such a horrible disease. I have a life-long friend who suffers from bi-polar disease, and am fully aware of how crippling and miserable it is. This also means, though, that I'm pretty good at spotting the signs. So although I'm not attempting to 'diagnose' BabyMama as such, and I don't believe MorningCoffee was either, it believe it is reasonable to suspect the possibility that a disorder like BPD could be at the root of their problems together. And if it is, I guess I can agree with MorningCoffee, with MM being the caretaker that he is, that this could indeed be exactly what is going on in their home. And just to clarify, MM never expressed that BabyMama is bi-polar, and if she is I don't know that he would necessarily tell me that because he knows that I don't really enjoy hearing stories about her.

[spice4life]

*Sorry, I just have to say, I hate hate hate how internet people throw around diagnsis for people they don't know. Bipolar is a terribly crippling disease. Not ALL bi-polar people are like described here, which lets admit, is a cheating man's perspective. I lost a dear from who was bi-polar (as in medically evaluated and diagnosed) almost 3 years ago. My friend fought hard to be "normal" and it hurt him so bad that he let others down. He didn't CHOOSE to have bi-polar. But he educated himself and taught me so much about it. And just because someone is bi-polar it doesn't make them any less a person or their issues any more than lets say a pathological liar. PEOPLE have issues, some worse, some better. I know my friend would do ANYTHING for ANYONE - maybe he just wasn't the "norm" for the way so many seem to think of someone with bi-polar. At least someone with a mental disability has an "excuse" for crappy behavior, what about those that are "normal" yet treat people crappy?

 

FO, please know that no one's intent was to make light of such a horrible disease. I have a life-long friend who suffers from bi-polar disease, and am fully aware of how crippling and miserable it is. This also means, though, that I'm pretty good at spotting the signs. So although I'm not attempting to 'diagnose' BabyMama as such, and I don't believe MorningCoffee was either, it believe it is reasonable to suspect the possibility that a disorder like BPD could be at the root of their problems together. And if it is, I guess I can agree with MorningCoffee, with MM being the caretaker that he is, that this could indeed be exactly what is going on in their home. And just to clarify, MM never expressed that BabyMama is bi-polar, and if she is I don't know that he would necessarily tell me that because he knows that I don't really enjoy hearing stories about her.

 

If this is the case then it adds another layer to an already complicated situation. I feel for you. The truth is though, it is not your fault that he made these choices for his life and he needs to sort this out himself without involving you. It's true that this situation requires a different kind of solution and I'm sure it is not an easy one because there is a child involved. It's kind of sad in a way if you really think about it. If he really wants out then these antics must be making him feel a bit trapped. But that is something he needs to figure out without you in the picture. You are doing the right thing by going NC because it frees both of you up in a sense and provides the space needed to deal with the real issues.