TeacupMovinON Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I am in a new relationship (we have been together for about a 1.5 months). This is the first time in close to two years that I am developing real feelings for someone! This man is great. During the past two years, I had been healing over a very hurtful and destructive relationship. It took me a very long time to recover fromt his, mostly becuase I work with the ex! The ex, whom I loved dearly, but was mis-treated by, has been approching me (inappropriately). I have ignored his advances and told him that I care for someone else now... After days of woking with him alone in the office, and him constantly pushing (not an excuse, I know) I kissed him and there was a little more contact than that. No sex! I immediatley told him that this was wrong! That we must remain professional and that I felt terrible for doing this to my current BF. What do I do now? I feel so terrible, and I know that current BF does not deserve this but I don't want to confess...
PegNosePete Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 You shouldn't have ignored your ex's advances. You should have reported it as sexual harassment. Tell your BF. He has a right to know that you have cheated on him, so he can decide if this is something he can accept or not. How would you feel if he did the same thing to you?
wezol Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I agree, tell your boyfriend. Your only 1.5 months into it, so he should know now instead of finding out later how you acted. He deseves the change whether or not to continue, or get out before it gets too involved.
paleblue Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) the utopian thing would be to tell your new bf. the reality of the situation is he will probably get super pissed and dump you. altho it was totally completely wrong of you to kiss your ex.. i would say let it go this time. only because you didnt sleep with him. dont do it again. unless, you still have feelings for your ex. if you do, than you should stop playing games with the new one. if you are completely over your ex, which i am not sure you are seeing as how you kissed him, but if you really are over your ex, you need to tell you ex to F off. and you need to mean it. plain and simple. and make sure it never happens again. also what about your ex? what kind of respect does he have for you, himself or anyone else?? not much it seems. i seriously question your ability to remain loyal and not cheat on your bf seeing as how this happened. i guess i am saying, ya, this ops happened.. dont let it happen again. if it happens again than you are a cheater and should immediately tell him. i work with my ex gf. i would not touch her. in fact all i want to do is yell at her when i see her. if left alone with her in the office i would probably want to slit my own wrists rather than listen to her yapping. this is how i know i am completely over her. are you over yours? if you have to think about it, you probably aren't and should re evaluate your situation. Edited November 24, 2010 by paleblue
PegNosePete Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 altho it was totally completely wrong of you to kiss your ex.. i would say let it go this time. only because you didnt sleep with him. Wait up there... OP says "I kissed him and there was a little more contact than that" so although there wasn't sex it was clearly more than just a kiss. You can't just bury your head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen. You cheated on your BF. You need to take responsibility for your actions. If he dumps you then lesson learned, it's only a 1.5 month relationship, move on and don't be unfaithful next time.
paleblue Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Wait up there... OP says "I kissed him and there was a little more contact than that" so although there wasn't sex it was clearly more than just a kiss. You can't just bury your head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen. You cheated on your BF. You need to take responsibility for your actions. If he dumps you then lesson learned, it's only a 1.5 month relationship, move on and don't be unfaithful next time. ya, this really is a tough call...on one hand i completely and totally agree with you the OP should come clean with her new bf. on the other i am thinking it was kind of an ops, and maybe she deserves one more shot at redemption. people do make mistakes. i wouldnt be saying this if she F'd him. one more shot, redemption thru restraint is all i am saying. if she can prove herself to be loyal from here on out, without fighting herself inside. i also would not be saying this if she was involved with her new bf for a significant amount of time, say over 6 months. dont get me wrong i dont think its cool what she did at all. and i am not condoning it. people just f up sometimes. she needs to tell that ex at work to go F himself and really mean it. if she still has a soft spot for him i am not sure its possible for her to remain loyal and should probably tell her bf and let him decide if he wants to take a chance trusting her.
PegNosePete Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 people do make mistakes Yes people do make mistakes. If she had tripped up and fallen on top of her ex then this would be a mistake. But she chose to kiss him and chose to have "a little more contact", I am assuming that means inappropriate touching/groping/fondling, please correct me if I am wrong OP. That's not a mistake. It's not a split-second lapse of judgement. It's a conscious decision to kiss and have inappropriate contact with another man.
lkjh Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 cheating is not a mistake. OP if you can't come clean than dump the new bf. You are now a cheater and lying about it won't make that go away. Let your new bf decide if he wants to stay in the relationship
Bryanp Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect your boyfriend to be upfront and honest with you? You have a new relationship that be based on lies and deceit or trust and honesty. The choice is yours.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I think you have to come clean with your BF, or break up with him. Here's why. Firstly, I don't believe that you "kissed [your ex] and there was a little more contact than that (whatever that means)" just because he was pushy. If he was being pushy and you really didn't want to kiss him, you'd have told him to fyck off. You kissed him because you wanted to. At least be strong enough to take ownership of what you did. Secondly, you're presumably continuing to work with your ex, so you're in the presence, on a daily basis, of the guy you cheated with (your ex). That would make any boyfriend in your BF's position VERY uncomfortable. I'd bet a pound to a pinch of shyt that you'll get physical with him again. Thirdly, your BF DESERVES to know the truth. Which is probably that you're still not over your ex. And in any event, your BF doesn't deserve to be betrayed and disrespected like this. Come clean, or break up with him.
MichiganMan222 Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I think it's great you gave yourself to an ex that mistreated you and was hurtful. What a swell thing to do. What other things short of sex did you do that you can't admit to? Did you to get on your knees and swallow his sausage too? You are a wonderful ex....unfortunately you're a pathetic girlfriend.
Germangirl Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 WHy on Earth do you submit to someone who mistreated you when you have a good man? DO you enjoy it? DO you like being abused? Get some self respect.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 What do I do now? I feel so terrible, and I know that current BF does not deserve this but I don't want to confess... well I guess that doubly sucks for you BF. you cheat, dispresect hime, and now he won't even know what kind of person he is committed to. what do you do? well, you aren't going to do it, but here it is.....break up with your bf...a "great man" deserves better.
Author TeacupMovinON Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Thank you (at least some of you) for the straight-forth advice. I understood, and ended the relationship before Thanksgiving. I am not happy about what I did, but I can try to learn from this. For those of you who were bitter, rude, and acted to be a person of perfect moral fiber... I surely hope that no one beats you while you are down. As surely, at some point in your life, you will make a mistake as well. I can take the cold, hard truth but it some posts seemed a bit unreasonable: 1. What other things short of sex did you do that you can't admit to? Did you to get on your knees and swallow his sausage too? You are a wonderful ex....unfortunately you're a pathetic girlfriend. Not necessary. Again, I hope no one treats you like this when you have made an error in judgment, however; your eloquent phrasing- "swallow his sausage" makes me question your intelligence, and that softens the blow :-) 2. DO you like being abused? Get some self respect. Posts like yours make me uncomfortable sharing on forums… If you were trying to be helpful, which I seriously doubt, your approach about self respect could have been a bit more tactful. 3. what do you do? well, you aren't going to do it, but here it is..... Um, how on earth could you determine if I were going to "do it" or not? I did!
PegNosePete Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 "Ended the relationship" do you mean your bf or your affair? mistake error in judgment You need to take some responsibility for your actions. You chose to cheat. It was not a mistake or an error in judgement. It was a conscious decision to do something which you knew was wrong. If you go about life blaming circumstance and with the victim mentality, then that is exactly what you will be. You need to stand up and say "yes I did wrong". Own your actions.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 For those of you who were bitter, rude, and acted to be a person of perfect moral fiber... I surely hope that no one beats you while you are down. bitter? rude? as if that were the case, it pales in comparison to the rudeness and disrespect you doled out to your bf. as far as being beat while down, you aren't the victim here. your bf is. As surely, at some point in your life, you will make a mistake as well. cheating isn't a mistake. you did it because you liked it, wanted it, whether you backed off of it or not. I can take the cold, hard truth but it some posts seemed a bit unreasonable: what you DID was unreasonable. 1 3. what do you do? well, you aren't going to do it, but here it is..... Um, how on earth could you determine if I were going to "do it" or not? I did! "I know that current BF does not deserve this but I don't want to confess" thats how I determined it, the fact you changed your mind is irrelevant with the exception of your bf, now your x, has been saved.
gabby898 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Wow, seriously, I thought this was a forum for support and to help people, not insult them and make them feel like ****! Yes, what she did was very wrong, but whether you like it or not, things like that happen. They shouldn't happen but they do. We can't judge her and we can't say whether she actually wanted to do it or not. Many people find it hard to say "No" when they know they have to. Many people do things they don't even want to do, but they don't have the confidence and the guts to say "No". (not saying that OP is like that because I don't know her to make a judgement). Thirdly, your BF DESERVES to know the truth. Which is probably that you're still not over your ex. You really can't come to that conclusion without knowing anything about her, I think that's a bit rude IMO. Anyway, you probably did the right thing by ending that relationship though. Working with your ex can be a bit weird I guess, I'd try to look for another job if I were you (depends on the job of course ) Best of luck
paleblue Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Wow, seriously, I thought this was a forum for support and to help people, not insult them and make them feel like ****! Agreed. Its not cool bashing people who come here that want to talk about something. Right or wrong, I think it took a lot of guts for the OP to even write this in the first place. She already feels like garbage it happened in the first place. Chill out.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 We can't judge her yes, we can and we can't say whether she actually wanted to do it or not. if she didn't want to do it, she wouldn't have. If I'm not interested in someone, I won't respond to their advances, simple as that. She responded because she wanted to. unless this guy is skilled at telepathy. Many people find it hard to say "No" when they know they have to. oh please. Many people do things they don't even want to do, but they don't have the confidence and the guts to say "No". ah, but she has more guts to betray her bf, eh? You really can't come to that conclusion without knowing anything about her sure I can. I think that's a bit rude IMO. pales in comparison to the betrayal of her bf.
gabby898 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 If I'm not interested in someone, I won't respond to their advances, simple as that. She responded because she wanted to. No, it's not as simple as that. You obviously know nothing about human psychology. You're too quick to judge someone you know nothing about. pales in comparison to the betrayal of her bf. ok, so because SHE did something wrong, she deserves all this talk from some people on this forum??? She's come here for advice and help, not to have her self confidence shattered and make her believe she's not worthy of her bf. For God's sake, she didn't commit homicide
MichiganMan222 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 (edited) No, it's not as simple as that. You obviously know nothing about human psychology. You're too quick to judge someone you know nothing about. No one knows anyone on these forums, so no one should ever offer their opinion? What's the point then? ok, so because SHE did something wrong, she deserves all this talk from some people on this forum??? Affirmative She's come here for advice and help, not to have her self confidence shattered and make her believe she's not worthy of her bf. How do you know that? Do you know her? heeheehee Besides, she's getting plenty of advice; it' just not advice you nor her agree with. For God's sake, she didn't commit homicide So anything short of homicide gets a free pass from you? Lovely. Edited December 2, 2010 by MichiganMan222
PegNosePete Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Wow, seriously, I thought this was a forum for support and to help people, not insult them and make them feel like ****! Yes, it is. It's a forum where we tell it like it is, not somewhere that someone can post whatever they like and get hundreds of "aww you poor thing" responses. So we can either tell OP the truth about her actions, and hopefully she realizes what she did and can avoid it next time and become a better person. Or we can just say "oh yes dear we understand, poor victim of circumstance, don't worry, just carry on men are all b@stards aren't they". Which do you think offers the best "help and support" and personal improvement for the OP in the long run?
Dexter Morgan Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 ok, so because SHE did something wrong, she deserves all this talk from some people on this forum??? She's come here for advice and help, not to have her self confidence shattered and make her believe she's not worthy of her bf. she isn't worthy of her bf. He is a good man and he doesn't deserve someone that will so callously betray him. Now she can move on and learn her lesson and be worthy of someone else in the future, but she is not worthy of her current one because a good man doesn't deserve someone who would disrespect him so.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 How do you know that? Do you know her? heeheehee Besides, she's getting plenty of advice; it' just not advice you nor her agree with. exactly......
reservoirdog1 Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Originally Posted by reservoirdog1: "Thirdly, your BF DESERVES to know the truth. Which is probably that you're still not over your ex." You really can't come to that conclusion without knowing anything about her, I think that's a bit rude IMO. I'm sorry, but which part of what I wrote is rude? The OP stated that she loved her ex madly, that she got hurt by him (emotionally I assume), they wound up working together, he hit on her constantly, and when she finally did make out with him, it was "a little more than just kissing". I'm not aware of a universe where somebody who ISN'T interested in somebody or attracted to them would, when faced with the options of (a) making out with them and a bit more, and (b) telling them to fyck off, would choose option (a). There's no suggestion that he forced himself on her; he simply bugged her till she gave in. What's the other explanation, besides "she kissed him because she wanted to"? And what evidence has the OP provided to support such an explanation? The OP is/was working on a daily basis with the above referenced ex, the residual feelings she has for whom caused her to make out with him "and a little more". The BF did deserve to know the truth.
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