Accepting personal responsibility

[greengoddess]

My point is that both women lack empathy for each other. At least empathy enough to make any changes to their actions. No woman can be expected to sacrifice a relationship of love for another woman's sake.

 

 

Unless the married man lied to the ow and told her he was not married then why would the bs have any empathy for a woman who is F***ing around with her husband. The ow, if not lied to, went into this with her eyes wide open knowing full well he had a family she was messing with and you want her to have empathy for this?:laugh:

[someday]

My point is that both women lack empathy for each other. At least empathy enough to make any changes to their actions. No woman can be expected to sacrifice a relationship of love for another woman's sake.

 

Actually, the BW normally has no idea about the OW so cannot lack empathy for her. When she finds out, sure she understandably lacks empathy towards the one who's insinuated themselves into her world.

[Owl]

My point is that both women lack empathy for each other. At least empathy enough to make any changes to their actions. No woman can be expected to sacrifice a relationship of love for another woman's sake.

 

No...but a woman...or a man for that matter...can make the choice not to START a relationship with someone that they know is already in one.

 

You're not sacrificing something if you never start it. You never had it to begin with.

 

It's entirely possible that the two people COULD have developed empathy for each other...had their interactions with each other started with a foundation of mutual respect.

 

The OW has made the CHOICE to set the tone of whatever "relationship" (one with empathy or antipathy) might exist between the OW and the BW by CHOOSING to have the affair to begin with.

 

You can't blame the BW for having antipathy towards the OW once the BW discovers the affair. It happens because of the choices made by both WS and OW.

 

Not rocket science.

[jennie-jennie]

It's quite sad if his situation has changed that while you are with him you would find the need or even desire to be posting here. I can see when you are alone and bored and want to help others but certainly not as you are sitting right next to him.

 

I don't find that sad. This is a discussion forum. So are we supposed to think that all the BS who post here are alone and bored, and not sitting next to their husbands?

 

My MM and I often discuss the threads and posts here. We read LS together. The discussions interest us.

[greengoddess]

I don't find that sad. This is a discussion forum. So are we supposed to think that all the BS who post here are alone and bored, and not sitting next to their husbands?

 

My MM and I often discuss the threads and posts here. We read LS together. The discussions interest us.

 

It must be amazingly reassuring for him to read your posts. He has no reason to ever change his situation.

[someday]

My MM and I often discuss the threads and posts here. We read LS together. The discussions interest us.

 

So he knows exactly what he's doing...he can't even pretend that he has no idea of how his actions hurt others. Wow. what a charming man...

 

Really?? He really doesn't care how his actions will hurt his W or kids (if he has any??) Really, he simply doesn’t care as long as he's getting his?? Wow...and yuck. That's pretty nasty.

[Silly_Girl]

It's quite sad if his situation has changed that while you are with him you would find the need or even desire to be posting here. I can see when you are alone and bored and want to help others but certainly not as you are sitting right next to him.

 

Why do you post here? Why is it sad?

 

There was a huge thread here before about why people far (many years) removed from their 'situations' continued to post and it resulted in a huge backlash and lots of ex-BS's and the like (rightfully) stating they post because they CHOOSE to, and because they can potentially bring something to the party. I can read/post if I like. I read (and rarely post) on another forum I belong to. Who are you? The Posting Police?

 

Live and let live gg, you're really being not-very-nice.

[jthorne]

It's a very childish claim, this one.

 

I don't know j-j's situation, but I know in mine that simply is not true. Being apart for periods does not mean you only spend time in bed when together. Maybe it did in the beginning but it's much more than that. If he wants to watch his favourite sport in the evening, whilst I snuggle in to him and read posts on LS, who cares? And anyway, those of us who have kids are somewhat restricted as to what activities will occur when.

Why is this claim childish? It seems well reasoned to me.

 

It's a fact that people in affairs do not get to spend a lot of physical time together, especially when they are long distance to begin with. I'm not counting email, IM, Skype, blah blah blah... So when they actually DO get to spend physical time together, maybe sex is not happening, but I would think that LS would be the LAST thing that is.

 

Again, I seem to remember an OW saying something about them doing a lot of Skype/cyber sex, so maybe this is to what she was referring.

[jennie-jennie]

No...but a woman...or a man for that matter...can make the choice not to START a relationship with someone that they know is already in one.

 

You're not sacrificing something if you never start it. You never had it to begin with.

 

It's entirely possible that the two people COULD have developed empathy for each other...had their interactions with each other started with a foundation of mutual respect.

 

The OW has made the CHOICE to set the tone of whatever "relationship" (one with empathy or antipathy) might exist between the OW and the BW by CHOOSING to have the affair to begin with.

 

You can't blame the BW for having antipathy towards the OW once the BW discovers the affair. It happens because of the choices made by both WS and OW.

 

Not rocket science.

 

So showing empathy is then only relevant before the affair starts? Once the OW has embarked on an affair, it is not reasonable to expect her to back off because of empathy towards the wife. Am I interpreting you correctly?

[jthorne]

Has anyone ever seen a wife girlfriend bw announce that when they get off the computer they will have sex with their man? No they don't need to because it is normal behavior for "couples" to partake in.

 

But for ow it is special, hidden, clandestine behavior.

My point exactly. Maybe some OW don't wish to make the most of their time together?? Or maybe it wasn't actual sex. You decide which one.

 

Why do you post here? Why is it sad?

 

There was a huge thread here before about why people far (many years) removed from their 'situations' continued to post and it resulted in a huge backlash and lots of ex-BS's and the like (rightfully) stating they post because they CHOOSE to, and because they can potentially bring something to the party. I can read/post if I like. I read (and rarely post) on another forum I belong to. Who are you? The Posting Police?

 

Live and let live gg, you're really being not-very-nice.

Of course you can read and post here, just as anyone else can. But it's your defensiveness over it that's interesting. It obviously bothers you, and you seem to take it personally when someone mentions anyone's, not necessarily your posting habits.

 

Since we're talking about what's childish, wasn't the "you're not nice" kinda? Just sayin.

[Silly_Girl]

Why is this claim childish? It seems well reasoned to me.

 

jthorne, I'm familiar with YOUR reasonable. Apparently posters spend 'every waking hour' posting on LS

 

It's a fact that people in affairs do not get to spend a lot of physical time together, especially when they are long distance to begin with. I'm not counting email, IM, Skype, blah blah blah... So when they actually DO get to spend physical time together, maybe sex is not happening, but I would think that LS would be the LAST thing that is.

 

Something that mattered/matters to me is that we have as close to a 'regular' relationship as possible. Despite the distance. It used to be very intense, and didn't want to be apart for a second. But that's not natural or sustainable. It meant I didn't get done things I needed to on weekends and he got no space, with work all week and wall-to-wall SG at the weekends! Maybe it was different in your relationship, but not everyone is the same.

 

Again, I seem to remember an OW saying something about them doing a lot of Skype/cyber sex, so maybe this is to what she was referring.

 

Didn't see that. Don't really wanna know

[greengoddess]

Why do you post here? Why is it sad?

 

There was a huge thread here before about why people far (many years) removed from their 'situations' continued to post and it resulted in a huge backlash and lots of ex-BS's and the like (rightfully) stating they post because they CHOOSE to, and because they can potentially bring something to the party. I can read/post if I like. I read (and rarely post) on another forum I belong to. Who are you? The Posting Police?

 

Live and let live gg, you're really being not-very-nice.

 

I'm not being nice because I find something sad? I bet he doesn't feel very good to see you posting on here, a board that you needed because of how messed up the situation with him was. I find it sad you read and post in front of him. I'm surprised you don't. How does he react when he sees you on here? I bet it hurts him thinking about how he hurt you and others.

[jthorne]

At least SOMEONE got the point I was trying to make.

I got ya! Maybe we're on the same parallel!

[Owl]

So showing empathy is then only relevant before the affair starts? Once the OW has embarked on an affair, it is not reasonable to expect her to back off because of empathy towards the wife. Am I interpreting you correctly?

 

I wouldn't say it's not "reasonable"...but I would say that (to me at least) it's hardly SUPRISING that they don't.

 

The OW demonstrated a lack of empathy when they started the affair...and they continue to demonstrate that lack of empathy when they continue the affair.

 

SHOULD they show empathy? IMO...yes.

 

Is it surprising to me that they don't? No.

 

See the difference?

[jennie-jennie]

My point exactly. Maybe some OW don't wish to make the most of their time together?? Or maybe it wasn't actual sex. You decide which one.

 

Or maybe we had had so much sex already, we needed a break.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm not being nice because I find something sad? I bet he doesn't feel very good to see you posting on here, a board that you needed because of how messed up the situation with him was. I find it sad you read and post in front of him. I'm surprised you don't. How does he react when he sees you on here? I bet it hurts him thinking about how he hurt you and others.

 

Why should BS's post on LS gg? Surely they should give it up to make their WS feel better? Why should YOU post? I don't get your issue. It's a community, is it not? Why shouldn't I be interested in the issues raised and the people I have been following?

 

I find infidelity sad, and the fallout sad, but posting on LS? Nope. I really don't get where you're coming from. Feel free to try again.

[greengoddess]

Why should BS's post on LS gg? Surely they should give it up to make their WS feel better? Why should YOU post? I don't get your issue. It's a community, is it not? Why shouldn't I be interested in the issues raised and the people I have been following?

 

I find infidelity sad, and the fallout sad, but posting on LS? Nope. I really don't get where you're coming from. Feel free to try again.

 

Silly girl ask your guy if he gets hurt or saddened by you being on here. Please. Honestly, if you are posting in front of him ask him how he feels about it.

[BB07]

My point is that both women lack empathy for each other. At least empathy enough to make any changes to their actions. No woman can be expected to sacrifice a relationship of love for another woman's sake.

 

 

What about empathy for the man that you love? Does that play into it in any way? Would you have enough to let him go if you thought that your relationship with him was causing him great pain? By empathy for the man an example would be, one that is torn and miserable and a wreck in all aspects of his life. We do read of it happening here sometimes.......

[jthorne]

Is sex really the only way you enjoy to spend time as a couple? Not reading the papers? Cooking together? Walking? Watching TV? Shopping? Just sex? Because one can spend quality time with someone and not necessarily be humping them.

Um, of course not. Why are you trying to twist my statements? I'm saying that there are LOTS and LOTS of ways to spend quality time with someone that you don't physically see often than spending it posting on LS. The original post said that they would have sex after she was done posting here. I was surprised that it appeared (to me) that posting here took the priority.

[Silly_Girl]

Silly girl ask your guy if he gets hurt or saddened by you being on here. Please. Honestly, if you are posting in front of him ask him how he feels about it.

 

I will ask him. But if it has no impact on he and I, I don't see why it matters. I have to watch snooker sometimes, it 'saddens' me, but that's the way it goes!

 

I only ended up here (LS) because he hurt me, he wouldn't ask me to stop posting if I get something from it. I know that much.

[greengoddess]

I will ask him. But if it has no impact on he and I, I don't see why it matters. I have to watch snooker sometimes, it 'saddens' me, but that's the way it goes!

 

I only ended up here (LS) because he hurt me, he wouldn't ask me to stop posting if I get something from it. I know that much.

 

 

It probably hurts him to be reminded of how badly he hurt you that you needed to find this place. I think, if he has any remorse over the situation he would feel like crap everytime he sees you on here.

 

Now in Jennie's situation I think it is goood for her married man to see her posting. I'm sure he likes it and makes him feel very secure.

[Silly_Girl]

It probably hurts him to be reminded of how badly he hurt you that you needed to find this place. I think, if he has any remorse over the situation he would feel like crap everytime he sees you on here.

 

Now in Jennie's situation I think it is goood for her married man to see her posting. I'm sure he likes it and makes him feel very secure.

I see your point, but we've moved so much past that. It wasn't yesterday, and in the history of our relationship it was a long, long time ago and we've dealt with it. In that way I'd guess it's simiar to BS's in recovered marriages who still post.

[East7]

Wow such a long thread guys...

 

I will try to be faithful to the topic and not general discussion.

 

During the A I was unable to consider personal responsibility.

I didn't feel responsible each time I couldn't have her the way I wanted. It was her fault, destiny's fault..whatever.

 

Now I have a different insight.

 

I went through a lot of pain, deceit and frustration but finally I got out stronger and wiser. I'm glad it ended !

I am responsible for my own pain, because I chose a wrong direction, a path with no future. I understand people who would say "what did you expect dude, she wasn't available"

 

Do I feel responsible towards the BS? No ! Because I didn't force his W to be romantic and have feelings for me. I didn't use her or take whatever advantage to fill a void. I truly fell for her and I would have walked away the very second she would tell me to do so.

I don't ask BS empathy because we are two different worlds. Each BS and AP leaves in a completely opposed reality.

How can I explain to BS that his W was crazy in love with me, how can he explain to me that there was a M to be respected while his W used to call and flirt with me everyday ? Actually I wished I could have talked with him and see how we were both been played. IMO it is very positive when BS and AP can talk because no one has any intention to lie and both can have the "other's truth" and move on. An ugly truth is always better than a thousand sweet lies.

[jthorne]

I have an issue with YOU personally jthorne, because of your particular style of bitching. That's where my defensiveness comes from. Unlike some other posters, you will not engage when I attempt to confront a comment you make and you are not prepared to address things in a straightforward manner. It's all side-swiping. That's why you elicit that from me. Unlike other posters who probably hold exactly the same views as you, but are prepared to stand by their views and have a polite and honest exchange.

Sorry I missed this one. I write my posts (try to anyway ) to conform to our community guidelines where sometimes, publicly engaging in certain areas is not allowed and PMs are encouraged. Until Tony tells me otherwise, I will not change my way of posting. Again, if it bothers you so, please use Ignore.

Thanks for understanding.

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry I missed this one. I write my posts (try to anyway ) to conform to our community guidelines where sometimes, publicly engaging in certain areas is not allowed and PMs are encouraged. Until Tony tells me otherwise, I will not change my way of posting. Again, if it bothers you so, please use Ignore.

Thanks for understanding.

 

I didn't suggest for one minute that you don't conform to the forum guidelines!