pieturli Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) As some of you know, I recently got dumped by my girlfriend. Despite having a break and then getting back together to try and make it work, we could not reignite her feelings for me. They were gone, or at least turned into the sort of feelings that you have for a friend, not a romantic partner. The thing is, we both know that the falling in love phase doesn't last forever. The relationship becomes an ordinary part of your life. Thats why we tried to make it work and why she had kept this feeling from me for some months, because she thought that it was only the initial rush wearing off. When she finally did break up with me, she was pretty adamant that this was a case where her feelings just dissipated, instead of just the rush wearing off. She said she still cares about me a great deal, and genuinely does enjoy my company, but just does not feel for me in "that" way anymore. I'm inclined to believe her, since why would she go through all the trouble of trying to make things work and weeping like crazy if she was just 100% irritated by me? Problem: I cant get it out of my head that maybe this was just a rough patch in our relationship, that maybe we could have done something to get her that feeling back. It might just be the whole bargaining phase of a break up that I'm going through. I hope it is. I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering if we could have made it work. What do you people think? Can your feelings simply dissipate so badly that they cannot be retrieved? Or was this just another case of a young couple splitting too hastily? Also, do you think its weird that I just feel like being alone? I mean, its only been 3 days since the breakup but I just feel like I want to hang out by myself and watch top gear or some such... (I suppose the fact that she said she is almost certain that this is not just "the rush wearing off"-phase should be a clue to me...) Edited November 24, 2010 by pieturli
Graceful Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 What do you people think? Can your feelings simply dissipate so badly that they cannot be retrieved? Or was this just another case of a young couple splitting too hastily? Also, do you think its weird that I just feel like being alone? I mean, its only been 3 days since the breakup but I just feel like I want to hang out by myself and watch top gear or some such... (I suppose the fact that she said she is almost certain that this is not just "the rush wearing off"-phase should be a clue to me...) Yes, people do fall out of love, or they weren't very deeply in love in the first place. Lots of what you feel at the outset of a r/l is dopamine kicking in at high gear, not that you don't have feelings, but your sex drive can be confusing once it does calm down. No r/l that is lasting and solid should become "routine" or be taken for granted. Even if you don't feel like a rabbit in heat anymore, the person you live your life with should make you feel exuberantly happy and you should be attracted to that person in a way that surpasses a time frame. Love is everlasting with the right person, not something you have to test or wonder about. This was not your "forever" person, that's all. I am sure she meant a lot to you and you need time to heal, but she broke up with you for a very good reason and you should be thankful she didn't wait or even lie to herself and you longer trying to convince herself what she felt was normal. It's not normal, you should not settle for emotions that are not vibrant and real, and some day when you find the right person, the sparks will fly and you'll be glad you waited. Good luck.
Author pieturli Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Yes, people do fall out of love, or they weren't very deeply in love in the first place. Lots of what you feel at the outset of a r/l is dopamine kicking in at high gear, not that you don't have feelings, but your sex drive can be confusing once it does calm down. No r/l that is lasting and solid should become "routine" or be taken for granted. Even if you don't feel like a rabbit in heat anymore, the person you live your life with should make you feel exuberantly happy and you should be attracted to that person in a way that surpasses a time frame. Love is everlasting with the right person, not something you have to test or wonder about. This was not your "forever" person, that's all. I am sure she meant a lot to you and you need time to heal, but she broke up with you for a very good reason and you should be thankful she didn't wait or even lie to herself and you longer trying to convince herself what she felt was normal. It's not normal, you should not settle for emotions that are not vibrant and real, and some day when you find the right person, the sparks will fly and you'll be glad you waited. Good luck. Thanks for the reply. Whats been confusing me is all the talk that psychologists have about having to work on love, that it doesn't stay fresh just by itself. I do believe that you have to work on love, at least in the vast majority of cases, but yes, I suppose you are right: you have to have a special feeling in order to keep the love alive. Working on love is not the same as trying to force love I suppose.
Graceful Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Maintaining a r/l is definitely "work" and takes "effort" , of course. But there is a HUGE difference between understanding how to treat someone you love and communicating, and the idea that a r/l actually becomes "work" in itself. Sure, lots of people bail on r/l's the minute the going gets tough, and those people are destined to go from one person to the next, so watch out for them. But in your case, it does sound like you have to take your GF at her word, she's just not feeling it anymore, and it's over. When you are the one being dumped, it always feels like you are in the more painful spot, but you would be surprised, I am sure your GF found it very difficult to break off with you, and the fact she was honest with you should make you feel like she respected you and wants what's best for you, too. And remember ... you're not married. I think the real "work" kicks in after a serious commitment like that has been made, and if children are involved. If you are "working" that hard before you're even married? That's a bit of a red flag.
Author pieturli Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Maintaining a r/l is definitely "work" and takes "effort" , of course. But there is a HUGE difference between understanding how to treat someone you love and communicating, and the idea that a r/l actually becomes "work" in itself. Sure, lots of people bail on r/l's the minute the going gets tough, and those people are destined to go from one person to the next, so watch out for them. But in your case, it does sound like you have to take your GF at her word, she's just not feeling it anymore, and it's over. When you are the one being dumped, it always feels like you are in the more painful spot, but you would be surprised, I am sure your GF found it very difficult to break off with you, and the fact she was honest with you should make you feel like she respected you and wants what's best for you, too. And remember ... you're not married. I think the real "work" kicks in after a serious commitment like that has been made, and if children are involved. If you are "working" that hard before you're even married? That's a bit of a red flag. Oh definitely. She was very sad that her feelings had deteriorated so badly, but felt that this was a better option that forcefully staying in a relationship that was not right, and I agree. At least we did not break off with a fight, and we both want to be on good terms sometime in the future. We probably wont be close friends, but at least we will be able to talk like ordinary people some day (even though we started out as school friends).
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