Terrible mistake...?

[Dedalus]

I'm 25 and broke up with my girlfriend three months ago. We had been together for three years and lived together for most of that.

 

She is the single most wonderful girl in the world; full of life, incredibly loving, beautiful, fun to be around, sweet, etc. She loved me so much and was so patient with me, so caring, etc.

 

So why did I end the relationship? Well, I always (or at least as far back as I remember) had doubts. We had some really great times together, but towards the end these doubts were becoming more serious - we argued quite a bit and things generally just weren't that great.

 

I became impatient with her and wanted to spend more and more time with friends rather than with her.

 

I can't quite pinpoint why I had these doubts, or even exactly what they were. I remember knowing what I needed to do to save the relationship (i.e. talk to her, show her I cared, etc). But I didn't do them, and in the end I broke up with her.

 

Initially I felt relieved that I had done it. I also started seeing another girl fairly soon (it was casual sex only).

 

Three months later I am still sleeping with the other girl, but on and off for about eight weeks I have been thinking regularly about my ex and missing her terribly. I am terrified I have made a HUGE mistake in breaking up with her.

 

She is now seeing someone else (for about a month) and genuinely seems to have moved on and is happy from what I can tell.

 

I feel so bad. I want to tell her I still love her and that I want her back. I want to tell her I will be there for her and that I will make all the efforts I couldn't (or didn't) make before.

 

But - and this is the problem - what if the doubts come back? I don't want to ruin her chance to be happy now... but I can't live with the fear of losing her forever.

 

Please, please, please give me some advice. I realise how weak and foolish I sound and that I haven't treated this girl well...

[Fufu]

How I wish my ex-bf think like you..... i will be in tears with joy.

 

Before you start chasing her again, you have to be sure of what you feel, meaning you have to clear all your doubts. If you still have doubts of problems recurring and not able to work things out. Then I believe, sticking to NC and accept the relationship is broken will be a better path.

[Dedalus]

How can I be certain?

 

I miss her so much, but I cannot be certain that asking her again is the right thing because I don't know why I had doubts in the first place...

[Fufu]

Don't force yourself..

 

Give it time...... if you want to reconnect with her start slow, start from how you know her the first time.

[fabio10]

Sorry to be harsh but I think you are being rather selfish, you think you have abit of pain and heartbreak now imagine what that wonderful girl you speak of went through when you dumped her !!!!

 

You have a problem my man....'DOUBTS' such as what exactly, in order words you doubted if she was good enough for you or you could do better I'd imagine !?

 

If you really love her let her be happy and leave her alone just my 2 cents you sound like a confused man if you do get her back you'l do the same again, its your ego hurting cause she has moved on, your jealous admit it, if you loved her you would not have dumped her would you ???

[Graceful]

Nothing has really changed, other than your thinking. You put on some rose-colored glasses and you are viewing your ex through a different lens, but she is the same person she was when you broke up with her.

 

You either broke up b/c you were feeling doubts about her as a person, or about the r/l and whether you really had a future with her. Maybe you felt the "grass was greener" and wanted to sow your oats, and now that you have, you're finding out it's not so great out there?

 

Either way, she is your ex for a reason, so I'd revisit the reasons you broke off with her in the first place, and wait a while. If you're not into the woman you are dating, then break that off soon.

 

Maybe you need to be on your own for a while. Wait to contact your ex, the holidays are coming, and if you left off on good terms, you can always contact her to wish her a happy new year and see how it goes. But don't do that with any expectation she will get back with you.

 

It might not take long for all of the same problems (and doubts) to surface if you get back with her. It sounds like you knew you just didn't love her enough to stay with her. I'd trust my gut if I were you. Don't settle.

[Dedalus]

Nothing has really changed, other than your thinking. You put on some rose-colored glasses and you are viewing your ex through a different lens, but she is the same person she was when you broke up with her.

 

You either broke up b/c you were feeling doubts about her as a person, or about the r/l and whether you really had a future with her. Maybe you felt the "grass was greener" and wanted to sow your oats, and now that you have, you're finding out it's not so great out there?

 

Either way, she is your ex for a reason, so I'd revisit the reasons you broke off with her in the first place, and wait a while. If you're not into the woman you are dating, then break that off soon.

 

Maybe you need to be on your own for a while. Wait to contact your ex, the holidays are coming, and if you left off on good terms, you can always contact her to wish her a happy new year and see how it goes. But don't do that with any expectation she will get back with you.

 

It might not take long for all of the same problems (and doubts) to surface if you get back with her. It sounds like you knew you just didn't love her enough to stay with her. I'd trust my gut if I were you. Don't settle.

 

You're right that nothing has changed except my thinking. But what if my thinking was all that needed to change for this to work?

 

I really don't know why I had doubts. I wish I did know. Maybe it was partly to 'see what was out there', but not really - I don't have a problem being faithful (and wasn't unfaithful to her). Maybe they were deeper issues, but I cannot begin to understand what they could have been - like I said, this girl is amazing.

 

Part of me agrees with the notion of trusting my gut. But... I'm worried I'm just a bad judge of what will make me happy. In the past I've been madly in love with girls who were totally unsuitable for me and now I laugh at myself for having fallen for them so badly. What if this is a case of the opposite: I can’t quite commit to a girl who is actually so good for me?

 

Argh… I could literally cry with frustration.

 

If this girl is ‘settling’ then I have unrealistic ambitions. I’ve never met someone so caring and kind and beautiful.

 

In short: I keep revisiting the reasons it didn’t work out. But I can’t figure them out. I just miss the girl so much… and I know that – even if I had my doubts – ultimately she was good for me, and I could have been good for her.

 

Now I am scared I’ve messed it up forever.

[Els]

How can I be certain?

 

I miss her so much, but I cannot be certain that asking her again is the right thing because I don't know why I had doubts in the first place...

 

You got it spot-on.

 

Until you figured out exactly what happened and how to prevent it from happening again, you have no business getting involved with her in any way. And even then it's iffy. Dude, you didn't just have a bad argument that spiraled into a near-breakup or anything like that. You broke up with her for no good reason, left her for 3 months and had sex with another woman. That must have left some seriously harsh effects on her.

[nowwhatnow]

my ex bf also broke up with because he 'had doubts'

and to be honest, its been 3 months and i still have no idea what that means (at the time he could also not explain it to me). Maybe you should figure out why you did it before you decide you want her back.

You have caused her a lot of hurt and I do not think it is fair to mess up what she has going if you are just going to do the same thing again.

At the same time, i alway wonder if my ex ever thinks about me or misses me...

good luck!

[Graceful]

 

Part of me agrees with the notion of trusting my gut. But... I'm worried I'm just a bad judge of what will make me happy. In the past I've been madly in love with girls who were totally unsuitable for me and now I laugh at myself for having fallen for them so badly. What if this is a case of the opposite: I can’t quite commit to a girl who is actually so good for me?

 

In short: I keep revisiting the reasons it didn’t work out. But I can’t figure them out. I just miss the girl so much… and I know that – even if I had my doubts – ultimately she was good for me, and I could have been good for her.

 

Now I am scared I’ve messed it up forever.

You're going to have to try to figure out why you broke up with her, unless you can admit to yourself it was partly immaturity on your part.

 

You did the dumping, so the ball is NOT in your court, the way you think it might be. She's not beating down your door, and I have to wonder if she were, if you would not be answering. I don't know, maybe the fact she hasn't hassled you or groveled to get you back makes you wonder if you made a mistake.

 

Yes, it's possible that you have self esteem issues where you thought you didn't deserve her deep down inside, and maybe felt threatened by the serious nature of the relationship and bailed out of fear, but if she is in a new r/l, you really have no right to barge back into her life. It is very hard to guage if you just "miss her" horribly, or if you really want her back for the right reasons. You don't know what you have until it's gone? It sounds like you almost drove her away, I honestly think you may have to let this one go, or at least give it more time.

[fabio10]

What are your doubts? eg did you feel your too young etc...

 

List them out and then maybe it may clear your mind to make a positive decison.

[Dedalus]

What are your doubts? eg did you feel your too young etc...

 

List them out and then maybe it may clear your mind to make a positive decison.

 

It's hard to put into words because I don't think I ever thought them through logically... it was more just a general feeling (if that makes sense).

 

But ok, here goes. At some point or another I felt doubts because:

 

1. It moved too fast. We moved in after about 6 months, when I was only 22.

 

2. None of my friends were living with gf's... therefore I felt I was on the path to old age. (Bad reason, I know... weak).

 

3. I was unhappy in my job. I think a general dissatisfaction impacted on my feelings about the r'ship.

 

4. She didn't have family nearby... I maybe subconsciously worried that I was taking on a huge burden of responsibility.

 

5. This one I am not sure about: when I was about 19 I was madly in love with a girl and it didn't work out and broke my heart. This girl was the first serious relationship with then. Maybe I found it hard to love her. But... if I haven't loved her, then I haven't loved anyone since I was a teenager. That's scary...

 

There you go... some reasons. Do they make sense?

 

Do they explain why I was a bad bf, why I couldn't do nice things for my gf, why I pushed her away, why I wanted to spend less time with her and more with my friends, why I was so scared of settling down with her, why there were evenings when I wanted to run out of the flat because I felt so claustrophobic?

 

I dunno...

[Dedalus]

6. Maybe she wasn't the one. But if she wasn't, the girl who is will have to be an angel or something... this girl was as close to perfect as they come.

[Graceful]

It's hard to put into words because I don't think I ever thought them through logically... it was more just a general feeling (if that makes sense).

 

But ok, here goes. At some point or another I felt doubts because:

 

1. It moved too fast. We moved in after about 6 months, when I was only 22.

 

2. None of my friends were living with gf's... therefore I felt I was on the path to old age. (Bad reason, I know... weak).

 

3. I was unhappy in my job. I think a general dissatisfaction impacted on my feelings about the r'ship.

 

4. She didn't have family nearby... I maybe subconsciously worried that I was taking on a huge burden of responsibility.

 

5. This one I am not sure about: when I was about 19 I was madly in love with a girl and it didn't work out and broke my heart. This girl was the first serious relationship with then. Maybe I found it hard to love her. But... if I haven't loved her, then I haven't loved anyone since I was a teenager. That's scary...

 

There you go... some reasons. Do they make sense?

 

Do they explain why I was a bad bf, why I couldn't do nice things for my gf, why I pushed her away, why I wanted to spend less time with her and more with my friends, why I was so scared of settling down with her, why there were evenings when I wanted to run out of the flat because I felt so claustrophobic?

 

I dunno...

 

YES. You just weren't mature enough to handle the relationship. I sometimes cannot understand how people move in together so fast, it's just TOO SOON to know what you are getting yourself into. You were only 22, there's no reason to feel bad that you couldn't handle it. You did take on a lot of responsibility without realizing it. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

You were very young to move in with her then, but you're still only in your mid-20's, and I don't trust the idea you're ready to settle down now either. You get back with her, and in due time, you might choke again.

 

I would wait it out. I think you are doubting the idea anyone else will come along.

 

I also think you need to work on yourself, so you don't treat someone like that again, you need to learn not to take out your bad mood or misfortune at work on someone you love, and you need to have a more give and take attitude. Not just TAKE.

 

My take on this is that you need more time on your own, you are not ready for a permanent commitment and you are NORMAL for feeling that way at your age. It is normal that you miss her, but don't confuse missing her and the pain you are in with wanting her back and thinking you can make it work. Put your effort into improving yourself. You're just going to make the same "mistakes" again if you don't.

 

And she's with someone else. You have to respect that. You did not make a mistake. She was a vehicle for you to learn from, and you'll be smart if you try to see it that way, rather than have regrets and trying to get her back. You admitted you did not treat her well, and that's a step in the right direction.

 

If you want to contact her at all, as I said before, wait until the holidays are closer and contact her to wish her well than. Maybe you can even tell her that you're sorry for the things you may have done that hurt her, not to get her back, but to be classy and leave off on a high note. It will help you to move on and grow.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Graceful

[fabio10]

Hey man good deep thinking did it help you listing it out !?

 

What age is the girl in question ?

 

You were for sure way too young to move in together but when your with someone you're on the crest of a wave you get swept away with it.

 

Do you think it maybe due to the fact you werent fully over your ex the girl who broke your heart ar you say ?

[Dedalus]

YES. You just weren't mature enough to handle the relationship. I sometimes cannot understand how people move in together so fast, it's just TOO SOON to know what you are getting yourself into. You were only 22, there's no reason to feel bad that you couldn't handle it. You did take on a lot of responsibility without realizing it. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

You were very young to move in with her then, but you're still only in your mid-20's, and I don't trust the idea you're ready to settle down now either. You get back with her, and in due time, you might choke again.

 

I would wait it out. I think you are doubting the idea anyone else will come along.

 

I also think you need to work on yourself, so you don't treat someone like that again, you need to learn not to take out your bad mood or misfortune at work on someone you love, and you need to have a more give and take attitude. Not just TAKE.

 

My take on this is that you need more time on your own, you are not ready for a permanent commitment and you are NORMAL for feeling that way at your age. It is normal that you miss her, but don't confuse missing her and the pain you are in with wanting her back and thinking you can make it work. Put your effort into improving yourself. You're just going to make the same "mistakes" again if you don't.

 

And she's with someone else. You have to respect that. You did not make a mistake. She was a vehicle for you to learn from, and you'll be smart if you try to see it that way, rather than have regrets and trying to get her back. You admitted you did not treat her well, and that's a step in the right direction.

 

If you want to contact her at all, as I said before, wait until the holidays are closer and contact her to wish her well than. Maybe you can even tell her that you're sorry for the things you may have done that hurt her, not to get her back, but to be classy and leave off on a high note. It will help you to move on and grow.

 

Thanks so much for your reply - I really, really appreciate it.

 

The thing that hurts me the most is that I thought I was getting over it. I thought that I was getting better at living together and not worrying about my age or that I was too young to settle down. I mean, I was three years older... three years closer to being ready (if I am ever going to be ready) than when I started seeing her.

 

And you're right - I am doubting that anyone else will come along. Or rather, I'm doubting that I will want to be with anyone who does. I don't want to sound big-headed, but I've just started a one-year degree course and there are some beautiful girls at Uni, two of whom have made it clear they're interested in me. But I just feel nothing. These are smart, interesting, attractive girls... but I don't have any interest in them. I don't really want any of them. I don't understand why. Even if I didn't want to be with them, I'd like at least to be able to feel that spark of interest in meeting someone. But all I can think about is my ex... Surely that's not normal? How has she moved on so fast? Why can't I?

 

It might be the best thing to do, but I don't want to see her as a learning experience. She was too good for that. I didn't treat her perfectly, but now all I feel is a desire to make it up to her. I can picture us together in 3 more years, in 5 years, in 10 years... with kids, etc. I know I can be a good boyfriend, I just don't know why I couldn't be with her.

 

I am also happier in my direction in life now... I'm on a path I want to be on. I think that would make a huge difference too.

 

Everything you say makes sense, but in my heart I have this incredible sadness at not being with this girl. I can't imagine being able to intellectualise what happened and using it as a learning experience. I wish I could... but even after three months I feel this incredible pain and regret and fear that I have made a mistake. It comes and goes, but right now it's as strong as it's ever been.

[Dedalus]

Hey man good deep thinking did it help you listing it out !?

 

What age is the girl in question ?

 

You were for sure way too young to move in together but when your with someone you're on the crest of a wave you get swept away with it.

 

Do you think it maybe due to the fact you werent fully over your ex the girl who broke your heart ar you say ?

 

It helped in a way, but also hurt because I see my reasons as being pathetic in comparison to the love this girl felt for me. She once told me that my happiness was the most important thing to her. I feel like I don't deserve to find that ever again, frankly if my reasons for pulling away from her were so weak.

 

She is 24. But she is incredibly mature. I think it's totally possible that she will stay with the guy she's seeing now forever - he is the settling down type for sure. That scares the hell out of me.

 

I don't think the ex was really an issue, no. The situation broke my heart, but I can see it would have been a disaster with hindsight.

[fabio10]

I think you are far more mature than you give yourself credit for man, you care for this girl you can see it a mile off by the way you feel as if you are some how not good enough for her by the way you treated her but dont be too hard on yourself we are all human and make mistakes and sometimes we hurt the people we care about the most, think about it you must have been quite a catch in her eyes when she placed your happiness so high in her mind.

 

Do you think you have learnt from your mistakes with her, i.e do you have regrets ?

 

When you broke up with her was it in the back of your mind that you would get back together with her in the future ?

 

Would you say you have changed much since you two broke up ?

[Dedalus]

I think you are far more mature than you give yourself credit for man, you care for this girl you can see it a mile off by the way you feel as if you are some how not good enough for her by the way you treated her but dont be too hard on yourself we are all human and make mistakes and sometimes we hurt the people we care about the most, think about it you must have been quite a catch in her eyes when she placed your happiness so high in her mind.

 

Do you think you have learnt from your mistakes with her, i.e do you have regrets ?

 

When you broke up with her was it in the back of your mind that you would get back together with her in the future ?

 

Would you say you have changed much since you two broke up ?

 

I have regrets. I am not sure yet whether they are because I have seen where I went wrong, or simply because I miss the girl (and maybe still love her). In my mind there's no real distinction. I am hoping there might be eventually...

 

To be honest - yes, there was. I don't know why I thought we might get back together and I certainly haven't given her any indication that I want to. Maybe it was a coping mechanism? Perhaps I thought if I convinced myself we'd get back together it wouldn't hurt so much.

 

I haven't changed much, no. I mean, it's been three months... so a bit of time, but not that long. I've been incredibly down and felt pretty crappy (with the exception of an odd day or two).

[Graceful]

Thanks so much for your reply - I really, really appreciate it.

 

The thing that hurts me the most is that I thought I was getting over it. I thought that I was getting better at living together and not worrying about my age or that I was too young to settle down. I mean, I was three years older... three years closer to being ready (if I am ever going to be ready) than when I started seeing her.

 

But all I can think about is my ex... Surely that's not normal? How has she moved on so fast? Why can't I?

 

Everything you say makes sense, but in my heart I have this incredible sadness at not being with this girl. I can't imagine being able to intellectualise what happened and using it as a learning experience. I wish I could... but even after three months I feel this incredible pain and regret and fear that I have made a mistake. It comes and goes, but right now it's as strong as it's ever been.

 

Hey Dedalus,

 

Your response nearly broke my heart, and I wanted to respond to some of your feedback. It's Thanksgiving in the USA today, I get the impression you're in the UK. Anyhow, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I really wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

 

Regarding thinking about your ex and not being interested in dating attractive other girls, I am here to tell you that IS NORMAL. Yes, it is normal; you were with someone for 3 years, living together, you do not erase that in 3 months. I think there is WAY too much emphasis, especially for a guy, to think he is just going to go out and replace the old GF with a new one, and move on. Nothing is further from the truth. So if you're not feeling it, then don't date. You will feel a lot better if you stop questioning your lack of desire to date new people, it's normal and I admire you for admitting it.

 

This is why your regrets are so heart wrenching. You don't think your response to your break up is normal and you think you are weak, and you are NOT. There does seem to be a difference now, though, in your desire to really let your ex know how you feel, whereas when you were with her, you "acted out" and pushed her away. Is that part of it?

 

Look, neither you nor I know if your ex is really happy with the new guy. But if she is, it leads me to think that when you broke up with her, she felt resolved very quickly that it was for the best for both of you. That may have given her the edge. Was there a lot of drama? Maybe she was glad to be away from that? I don't want to harsh on you, just asking. And this is a big reason, as much as it hurts, that you have to face the idea that it may have ended anyway with her, maybe not now, maybe not b/c of you, but b/c of her. I am just speculating, but I just wanted to throw that you to you b/c it might help you see that you really don't know what the future really was for the two of you. No one does.

 

It is way to soon to try to see your r/l as a learning experience, but you are also way too young to think that there will never be another girl for you. Again, do you think you are putting your ex on a pedestal now b/c of your regrets, or was she really that flawless??

 

The real issue for you is that she is seeing someone, and you have to respect that. If you were to contact her, it would not only potentially upset her and cross a boundary, but it would also be a clear sign that you have not grown or changed. You are doing the right thing staying away and not contacting her. I'm sure that has been painful, but it has been the right thing.

 

Is there any chance you will see her or run into her in any social interactions nearer to the holidays? Do you think you need to prepare for something like that? In any event, all you can do right now is hang in there, keep your focus on what's making you happy (your studies), try to make the most of what's good in your life, and release that positive energy where ever you go. Open your heart to think about the possibilities in your life, no matter how hard it is right now. You have to forgive yourself little by little and release your feelings of regret. If you keep holding on to them, you will not be able to move forward. Take Care, Grace

[fabio10]

Man I feel ya I know it feels rough, 3months aint that long and you need to get rid of the fear of her staying with this guy forever the chances are slim and if she loved you as much as she said I suspect this maybe a rebound when the honeymoon phase is over reality may hit her.

 

But for the moment this time should be all about you, you need to sort your head out and discover what you really want, and why you did not want this girl the last time round. I know people will say whats for you wont pass you, but you need to find the answers as to why you now have regrets maybe you took her for granted or maybe you thought the grass would be greener and now it aint so green.

 

My girl felt the same as you do she said we'l get back together in the future but she did break up with me and she has tried to contact me alot but I dont think afew months apart is long enough I think it takes years but my situation aint yours man.

[Dedalus]

Hey Dedalus,

 

Your response nearly broke my heart, and I wanted to respond to some of your feedback. It's Thanksgiving in the USA today, I get the impression you're in the UK. Anyhow, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I really wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

 

Thank you, that's very kind! And happy belated Thanksgiving to you. (I am in the UK, yep - but have a lot of US friends over here so knew it was Thanksgiving.)

 

Regarding thinking about your ex and not being interested in dating attractive other girls, I am here to tell you that IS NORMAL. Yes, it is normal; you were with someone for 3 years, living together, you do not erase that in 3 months. I think there is WAY too much emphasis, especially for a guy, to think he is just going to go out and replace the old GF with a new one, and move on. Nothing is further from the truth. So if you're not feeling it, then don't date. You will feel a lot better if you stop questioning your lack of desire to date new people, it's normal and I admire you for admitting it.

 

This is why your regrets are so heart wrenching. You don't think your response to your break up is normal and you think you are weak, and you are NOT. There does seem to be a difference now, though, in your desire to really let your ex know how you feel, whereas when you were with her, you "acted out" and pushed her away. Is that part of it?

 

I think the reason I question my response to the break-up - and the fact that I feel pain about it every day - is because I was the one to do it. If she had broken up with me and remained certain that was what she wanted to do, I would be heartbroken, but I would be better able to move on.

 

As it is, I keep thinking that I have made a big mistake and thrown away something that was (or could have been) so good.

 

And you're right, yes: I say to myself, imagine if I had sat down with her, talked to her, listened to her and made every possible effort to work out a way for the relationship to work.

 

Every girl I have ever been really in love with would have been bad for me, whereas this girl - who was so wonderful - I have pushed away. I wish I could understand what was going on in my mind for me to do something like that...

 

 

Look, neither you nor I know if your ex is really happy with the new guy. But if she is, it leads me to think that when you broke up with her, she felt resolved very quickly that it was for the best for both of you. That may have given her the edge. Was there a lot of drama? Maybe she was glad to be away from that? I don't want to harsh on you, just asking. And this is a big reason, as much as it hurts, that you have to face the idea that it may have ended anyway with her, maybe not now, maybe not b/c of you, but b/c of her. I am just speculating, but I just wanted to throw that you to you b/c it might help you see that you really don't know what the future really was for the two of you. No one does.

 

Perhaps, yes. I mean there wasn't that much drama, but we did fight quite a lot. I wish we hadn't and I wish I had made more effort to make it better (she definitely made more effort than me).

 

It might have ended anyway, yes. But only because of my tendency towards allowing arguments to happen. I was feeling uncertain about the relationship, partly due to my age, and so when we did argue I wouldn't always do my best to make up because I thought 'well, maybe it's for the best we're arguing if it means the relationship will end'. (Really unhealthy thinking, obviously).

 

She was incredibly patient. I don't think she would have ended it soon, so I had time and space to come round and stop being an idiot.

 

 

It is way to soon to try to see your r/l as a learning experience, but you are also way too young to think that there will never be another girl for you. Again, do you think you are putting your ex on a pedestal now b/c of your regrets, or was she really that flawless??

 

My concern is that the girls I have really passionately wanted to be with have been / or would have been bad choices. Then I push away the one who was good for me...

 

She is as close to flawless as I can imagine anyone being. She was loving, caring, beautiful... She could be dismissive of people and things that bored her, but never me - even when I was feeling down or tired or moody. She is one of those people who floats through life, always happy, talking to anyone... but equally she was smart, practical... etc. It actually hurts thinking about her and that I just pushed her away.

 

I hope I am not just rose-tinting everything. I really don't think I am...

 

 

The real issue for you is that she is seeing someone, and you have to respect that. If you were to contact her, it would not only potentially upset her and cross a boundary, but it would also be a clear sign that you have not grown or changed. You are doing the right thing staying away and not contacting her. I'm sure that has been painful, but it has been the right thing.

 

I keep almost emailing her. I want to tell her about all of this... but it would be a bad idea, I know.

 

 

Is there any chance you will see her or run into her in any social interactions nearer to the holidays? Do you think you need to prepare for something like that? In any event, all you can do right now is hang in there, keep your focus on what's making you happy (your studies), try to make the most of what's good in your life, and release that positive energy where ever you go. Open your heart to think about the possibilities in your life, no matter how hard it is right now. You have to forgive yourself little by little and release your feelings of regret. If you keep holding on to them, you will not be able to move forward. Take Care, Grace

 

I will probably see her, yes. I don't think I can talk to her though. The last time I saw her properly I went to pieces and she just hugged me and told me it was for the best that we'd split up.

 

I do try to get on with life, but it's hard because even when I'm least expecting it I will suddenly think about her and it'll totally derail other thoughts. This isn't getting any easier. Surely each day should be a step in the right direction... but if anything it's getting harder and I miss her more.

 

Sorry for such a long message - I know there's nothing you can say to help me see sense really. I do appreciate your responses though for what it's worth.

[Dedalus]

Man I feel ya I know it feels rough, 3months aint that long and you need to get rid of the fear of her staying with this guy forever the chances are slim and if she loved you as much as she said I suspect this maybe a rebound when the honeymoon phase is over reality may hit her.

Yeah, you're right. I just think they're both the 'settling down' types. Also, I am not sure she's on the rebound... I think she's just too sensible to let her whole life be screwed up due to a break up. Unlike me clearly.

 

 

But for the moment this time should be all about you, you need to sort your head out and discover what you really want, and why you did not want this girl the last time round. I know people will say whats for you wont pass you, but you need to find the answers as to why you now have regrets maybe you took her for granted or maybe you thought the grass would be greener and now it aint so green.

The grass without her definitely ain't so green, nope. I think I did believe I'd be better off free, single, etc. But it's tough to lose that connection with someone. Even though we didn't always get on perfectly, I felt like I could trust her with anything. It's made me realise that I'm not quite as close to my friends as I thought (compared with how I was with her).

 

 

My girl felt the same as you do she said we'l get back together in the future but she did break up with me and she has tried to contact me alot but I dont think afew months apart is long enough I think it takes years but my situation aint yours man.

I do keep thinking to myself that maybe, one day, a year or two down the line if we're both single I will try to give it another shot. At least when I think that it stops me from thinking about trying to get her back now...