Can they really mend their marriage?

[siuys]

I honestly wonder if MMs (no d-day) can really mend their marriages without confessing to the A. xMM had an affair that lasted 6 months 10 years ago. He confessed and they managed to move past it to an OK place for a few years. So things haven't been good for at least 6-8 years since his last affair. He then met me 9 months ago. I wonder how likely he can honestly fix his M. In my opinion, also of his counsellor's, that his M is over. His W has requested MC after all these years of not wanting to do it... anyway, just curious if anyone out there who has managed to fix their M without telling W about the A.

[Silly_Girl]

I confess I don't understand the concept that one spouse could 'fix' a marriage.

[East7]

A marriage after an affair is never the same whether D-day or not.

 

D-day gives the BS an option to forgive or move out but it doesn't change the WS's mindset. It takes 2 people to make it work and get together the broken pieces.

 

Lots of BS come here to tell that they successfully reconcile, but that is an exception. Most of WS return physically in their marriage but not emotionally, they do it just because "it feels right" or "the right thing to do" but they are not more happy than before.

 

To the AP it doesn't matter how the M goes as the result is the same: they don't have the MAP divorcing for them. Most of MM/MW prefer to go back to a passionless and boring marriage instead of taking risks. They might be as well miserable but it doesn't change anything for the AP as they are not moving out. Sometimes they may end up divorcing but it takes so long that meanwhile the AP has moved on and found someone else.

[siuys]

Interesting, East7. I was thinking along the same line. I am divorced myself (a long time ago). I could no longer stay in a M where I did not love my H anymore, and did not want a life with him. He is a great person, but there was something missing. I don't know, but of all the people I personally know who have been through a divorce, it seems to me women seem more able to leave, with or without children.

[Pokemon]

I asked a lot of my friends this question because I secretly hope they will fail in their marriage, regardless of me being around. It's bad of me, I know, but somehow knowing that I'm not the only one feeling pain makes me feel better. Hope this doesn't sound twisted. Anyway it's a thought I keep to myself.

 

So almost all my friends say that they WILL go back and try to make their marriage work, which I don't blame because I would do the same thing because divorce is a life-changing decision both emotionally and financially.

 

However, all my friends also said that they will most probably fail at it; in my case the BS knows about me, and the trust is difficult to repair. He lied about the late nights at work for 6 months while she was nursing a 1 year old at home. Then all their mutual friends, family and facebook buddies witnessed our photos, etc, the list goes on. Successfully reconciling is just a fantasy.

 

It may take years before they actually divorce though, and I'm not willing to sit and find out.

[siuys]

Pokemon, I understand where you're coming from. At the end of the day, you would want someone to leave for their own sake, not for you. Otherwise, the chances of it working out is very low I believe. I do understand that you want him to feel pain. I have thoughts of that every so often.

 

I don't know if xMM's M will work out. I feel neutral about it, actually. Truth is, deep down, I don't believe in staying in a M for the sake of children or attachment. Easy for me to say as I don't have kids. Maybe because I am so used to change it does not concern me. For xMM having been married for close to 20 years, there is a lot of attachment, plus all the guilt bla bla. I doubt that his M will work out. It may for a little while, who knows. I guess some couples manage to make things work again but it really requires both to work on it and very willing to change.

 

I agree with you, I think if xMM does get a divorce, it will take a long time. I am not waiting any more and it's senseless. I am just learning a lot through this whole experience, and if our A has made their M work, then good. And even if he comes back divorced, I'd still be very skeptical about whether or not it will work, not without him being on his own for a while i.e. a long time.

 

Life goes on. We learn the lesson and take it with us.

[East7]

However, all my friends also said that they will most probably fail at it; i Successfully reconciling is just a fantasy.

 

Reconciling is not a fantasy, don't take me wrong, I wanted to say that, in reality it takes so much efforts and time from both sides that in "most cases" it doesn't succeed.

And I understand the resentment of all AP (been there) but whether the marriage fails or succeed, there is no benefit to the AP. Even when it fails, it is so messy and goes through separation and divorce stages that take huge time and at the end the WS is emotionally instable and need time alone before being ready for a new relationship.

 

It may take years before they actually divorce though, and I'm not willing to sit and find out.

 

All the above explain why it is a waste of time! Having an A is already waiting for a resolution, already spending time with no result, so if in addition you sit and wait to see if their reconciliation works or not, you waste another precious time and miss other good opportunities.

 

The best is to forget about their M, not care, not give a damn and enjoy YOUR life. We can't force people to love us or be with us, it is better not to have expectations from MM, not secretly nurse the hope that a day he will knock at your door with the divorce papers...

Nursing the hopes keeps you from living and enjoying your life. Just kill that hope, if it happens fine, if not, you are at least enjoying what life has to offer you

[HalfAlive22]

A marriage after an affair is never the same whether D-day or not.

 

D-day gives the BS an option to forgive or move out but it doesn't change the WS's mindset. It takes 2 people to make it work and get together the broken pieces.

 

Lots of BS come here to tell that they successfully reconcile, but that is an exception. Most of WS return physically in their marriage but not emotionally, they do it just because "it feels right" or "the right thing to do" but they are not more happy than before.

 

To the AP it doesn't matter how the M goes as the result is the same: they don't have the MAP divorcing for them. Most of MM/MW prefer to go back to a passionless and boring marriage instead of taking risks. They might be as well miserable but it doesn't change anything for the AP as they are not moving out. Sometimes they may end up divorcing but it takes so long that meanwhile the AP has moved on and found someone else.

 

Why is it always asweomed that a MM/Mw's marriage is passionless and boring? My H cheated several times and we had a lot of passion and we were happy..He just happens to have major self esteem issues. That person he was with..should I say used, was there just to make him feel even more powerful.

[thomasb]

According to CDC's National Center for Health Statistics, approximately:

3,000 couples in the U.S. get divorced each day - well over 1 million per year;

20-25% of these people are divorcing for the second or third time;

50% of all divorcing couples have children under the age of 18;

12 million U.S. families were headed by a single parent during 2000;

1 out of 3 U.S. children do not live with both parents;

17% of all children in the U.S. will suffer a divorce this year;

Second marriages will end 23% sooner than first marriages; and

Third marriages will end 43% sooner than first marriages.

 

As well, it is scientifically supported that children of divorced parents suffer a higher than average divorce rate as adults - divorce is a legacy that is passed down from one generation to the next.

 

These public divorce statistics are alarming, but most people don't have access to follow-up statistics concerning a divorce after the affair of one partner:

 

80% of couples who divorce as the result of an affair later regret their decision to divorce.*

 

And the statistics for affair-born relationships are even more extreme:



Fewer than 10% of all extramarital affair relationships will actually result in a marriage between

the two affair partners;* and

 

If an affair-born relationship does result in a marriage, 3 out of 4 of those couples can expect their new

marriage to also end in divorce.*

 

What does this mean?



It means that for every 100 extramarital relationships - less than 10 of the unfaithful spouses will actually marry his or her affair partner. If the affair partners do marry, 75% of those marriages will also end in divorce - which means that at best, less than 3 out of every 100 affair born relationships will result in a marriage that does not end in divorce! (And this doesn't take into account marital separation, only legal divorce, which brings the success rate down from the already generous but alarmingly low 2.5%!)

 

According to CDC's National Center for Health Statistics, approximately:



3,000 couples in the U.S. get divorced each day - well over 1 million per year;

20-25% of these people are divorcing for the second or third time;

50% of all divorcing couples have children under the age of 18;

12 million U.S. families were headed by a single parent during 2000;

1 out of 3 U.S. children do not live with both parents;

17% of all children in the U.S. will suffer a divorce this year;

Second marriages will end 23% sooner than first marriages; and

Third marriages will end 43% sooner than first marriages.

 

As well, it is scientifically supported that children of divorced parents suffer a higher than average divorce rate as adults - divorce is a legacy that is passed down from one generation to the next.

 

These public divorce statistics are alarming, but most people don't have access to follow-up statistics concerning a divorce after the affair of one partner:

 

80% of couples who divorce as the result of an affair later regret their decision to divorce.*

 

And the statistics for affair-born relationships are even more extreme:



Fewer than 10% of all extramarital affair relationships will actually result in a marriage between

the two affair partners;* and

 

If an affair-born relationship does result in a marriage, 3 out of 4 of those couples can expect their new

marriage to also end in divorce.*

 

What does this mean?



It means that for every 100 extramarital relationships - less than 10 of the unfaithful spouses will actually marry his or her affair partner. If the affair partners do marry, 75% of those marriages will also end in divorce - which means that at best, less than 3 out of every 100 affair born relationships will result in a marriage that does not end in divorce! (And this doesn't take into account marital separation, only legal divorce, which brings the success rate down from the already generous but alarmingly low 2.5%!)

 

 

Of course they can recover. And obviously usually do recover and go on to be stronger and more focused on each other and not outside influences.

[East7]

Thomasb, I dont see how your statistics are relevant to the Topic.

 

The Topic is how does the marriage survives after an affair ?

 

I have some more statistics for you :

 

 

Percentage of couple who preserve their marriage after an affair

 

▪ 64%

 

 

Of those couples who remain married despite an affair, what percentage later describe the marriage as unhappy or empty?

 

▪ 78% (3 out of 4)

 

Source : http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats31.htm#fn%202

[thomasb]

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[sIZE=5][COLOR=#009999]AAMFT Consumer Update[/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=5][COLOR=#009999]Infidelity[/COLOR][/sIZE]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]After the devastating disclosure of infidelity, intense emotions and recurrent crises are the norm. The good news, however, is that the majority of marriages not only survive infidelity, but marriage and family therapists have observed that many marriages can become stronger and more intimate after couples therapy. An extramarital involvement (EMI) is the catalyst for approximately 50 percent of the couples who initiate treatment. A striking paradox is that while polls indicate 90 percent disapproved of extramarital relationships, a national survey reported that 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands had experienced extramarital intercourse. When emotional affairs or sexual intimacies without intercourse are included, the incidence increases by 20 percent. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Causes and Types of Extramarital Relationships[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]The causes of infidelity are complex and varied. Affairs can occur in happy marriages as well as in troubled ones. Although the involved spouse may not be getting enough from the marriage, sometimes the involved spouse is not giving enough. Reasons for EMI include low self-esteem, relationship deficits (e.g., lack of affection), or a social context in which infidelity is condoned. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Multiple affairs may indicate an addiction to sex, love or romance. Love and romance addicts are driven by the passion of a new relationship. Sexual addicts are compulsively attracted to the high and the anxiety release of sexual orgasm. But such release comes with a price -- feelings of shame and worthlessness. In contrast, philanderers who perceive extramarital sex as an entitlement of gender or status take advantage of opportunities without guilt or withdrawal symptoms. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]A new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships, particularly in the workplace and on the Internet. Emotional affairs differ from platonic friendships in that there is 1) greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship, 2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and 3) sexual chemistry. Internet affairs, which cause marital distress despite lack of actual physical contact, exemplify emotional affairs. However, combined-type affairs in which extramarital intercourse occurs within a deep emotional attachment usually have the most disruptive impact. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Vulnerabilities for EMI can be linked to marital problems (e.g., avoidance of conflict, fear of intimacy) or life cycle changes (e.g., transition to parenthood, empty-nest). Some dissatisfied spouses begin an extramarital relationship as a way of exiting from an unhappy marriage. More frequently, however, the marital history is re-written to justify an ongoing affair. It is unreasonable to compare a forbidden love affair that is maintained by romantic idealization with the routine familiarity of a long-term marriage.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]The Impact of Discovery[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]It is common for both spouses to experience depression (including suicidal thoughts), anxiety, and/or a profound sense of loss following the initial disclosure. The reactions of the betrayed spouse resemble the post-traumatic stress symptoms of the victims of catastrophic events. Common reactions to the loss of innocence and shattered assumptions include obsessively pondering details of the affair; continuously watching for further signs of betrayal; and physiological hyperarousal, flashbacks and intrusive images. The most severely traumatized are those who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting. The involved spouse may fear that they will be punished forever for the betrayal while they grieve for the lost dreams associated with the affair.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Treatment and Recovery[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]The first issue to be addressed in therapy is clarifying whether the purpose of treatment is rebuilding the marriage, resolving ambivalence about whether to remain married, or separating in a constructive way. One spouse may want to reconcile while the other spouse is still ambivalent or has decided to leave. Most family therapists work with the couple together as the primary approach. However, an ambivalent spouse or a severely agitated spouse may also need some individual therapy sessions. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]One way to help couples rebuild marriages after the disclosure of infidelity is based on an interpersonal trauma model -- a process of recovery and healing leading to forgiveness. The first stage of recovery after the impact of the disclosure establishes safety and addresses the painful emotions and traumatic symptoms. Understanding the vulnerabilities for the EMI and telling the story of the affair comprise the middle stage. Integrating the meaning of the affair into the present and moving on into the future is the final stage of healing and forgiveness. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]A wall of secrecy in the marriage and a window of intimacy in the affair usually characterize extramarital triangles. Reconstructing marriages requires reversing the walls and windows by erecting a wall with the affair partner and a window of honesty with the marriage partner. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=#400080][sIZE=2]Establishing safety.[/sIZE][/COLOR][sIZE=2] Recovery cannot begin until contact with the affair partner is terminated. Stopping an affair does not just mean ending sexual intercourse. All personal discussions, coffee breaks and phone calls must also be stopped. When the affair partner is a co-worker, the contact must be strictly business, and necessary or unplanned encounters must be shared with the spouse in order to rebuild trust. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#400080]Telling the story of the affair.[/COLOR][/sIZE][sIZE=2] A guiding principle is how information will enhance healing. However, a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness never promotes healing, even if the answers are truthful. The initial discussions commonly resemble the adversarial interaction between a detective and a criminal. Simple facts such as who, what, where and when can be answered during the early stage to relieve some of the pressure for information. It is preferable to delay complex questions about motivations and explicit details about sexual intimacy until the process itself is more healing. The disclosure process evolves in therapy from a truth-seeking inquisition to the neutral process of information seeking – similar to a journalist and an interviewee. The final phase is one of mutual exploration with an empathic process. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=#400080][sIZE=2]Signs of healing and recovery.[/sIZE][/COLOR][sIZE=2] 1) The marriage is stronger and is couple-centered rather than child-centered. 2) The vulnerabilities for infidelity are understood and addressed as they occur. 3) The couple has developed trust, commitment, mutual empathy and shared responsibility for change. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

 

Back at ya.

[East7]

If I may suggest, for a successful copy-paste from a website :

 

Copy the text and paste it to the NOTEPAD first, or MS Word page, then copy from Notepad/Word to your post (to avoid HTML source coding)

 

BTW your source is coming from marriage therapy Association who, obviously, looks the bottle half full to promote what they work for.

[Spark1111]

Former BS here...

 

Do not assume you knew or were ever told the "truth" of the marital relationship.

 

You were told one side ONLY, usually spun very negatively, regarding the relationship, and ONLY from the person cheating. Were they unhappy within the marriage, or unhappy with life in general and blamed the marriage, or unhappy within themselves?

 

Usually, they have to minimize the marriage to give themselves psychological permission to engage in and continue the affair.

 

Then, they have to minimize what the AP meant to them, to re-engage in the marriage.

 

Do you see a lot of confusion here? I think you should.

 

And please do not assume BSs are doormats who take these partners back no questions asked. Someone may be seeling you a bill of goods there.

 

People can reconcile for any reason they want to. The best reconciliations are when both parties are still in love and are willing to work hard to attain a better relationship.

 

Mostly, though? The WS has to change their mind set, behavior, how they treat their partner and why they did what they did, because few things are as devastating as the discovery your spouse deceived you....not that they developed feelings for another.

[Spark1111]

If I may suggest, for a successful copy-paste from a website :

 

Copy the text and paste it to the NOTEPAD first, or MS Word page, then copy from Notepad/Word to your post (to avoid HTML source coding)

 

BTW your source is coming from marriage therapy Association who, obviously, looks the bottle half full to promote what they work for.[/QUOTE]

 

Actually, if that is true, it is heavily, heavily borrowed from the works of Dr. Shirley Glass, one of the first infidelity gurus.

 

She's renown and heavily-quoted.

[jwi71]

A marriage after an affair is never the same whether D-day or not.

 

I disagree.

 

How can the M be different if the BS is unaware? The same "broken" dynamic will continue...BS blissfully unaware and the WS...still unhappy. From the marital standpoint...nothing changed.

 

D-day gives the BS an option to forgive or move out but it doesn't change the WS's mindset.

 

Again I disagree.

There have been WS who have confessed and truly reconciled.

There have been WS who have been busted and truly reconciled.

The mindset, whatever that is, is going ot be wholly unique to each WS...some will "find the errors of their ways" and others will not.

 

It takes 2 people to make it work and get together the broken pieces.

 

Agreed. Which is why disclosure is best for ALL involved. It forces change in the M - which cannot happen if the BS doesn't know. Although rarely the WS does confess. The problem is, the two people who know (the WS and the OM/OW) don't tell for <insert excuse here>. Typically, its to NOT change the status quo. So you get a WS lying their proverbial azz off and the OM/OW too afraid to make a change. Fear seems to be the dominate emotion in A's to me.

 

Most of WS return physically in their marriage but not emotionally, they do it just because "it feels right" or "the right thing to do" but they are not more happy than before.

 

And that's because the WS doesn't face what is broken WITHIN themselves. And why would they...that same fear to face "it" led to the A to begin with it - and as long as its hidden it can be rationalized (externally of course) away.

 

To the AP it doesn't matter how the M goes as the result is the same: they don't have the MAP divorcing for them

 

And those that do usually regret it. You want the D to happen because the M is dead.

 

. Most of MM/MW prefer to go back to a passionless and boring marriage instead of taking risks.

 

You ASSUME its passionless and boring. And, how is an A NOT a risk?

How do you mean "...instead of taking risks" ?

They might be as well miserable

 

More assumptions. It can't be all that miserable to not only return to the M but to protect it from dissolution.

 

but it doesn't change anything for the AP as they are not moving out. Sometimes they may end up divorcing but it takes so long that meanwhile the AP has moved on and found someone else.

 

Yup. Its a raw deal for the single OM/OW. Maybe even the MOM/MOW.

Its even worse for the BS.

The only winner seems to be the WS. Actually, they lose too.

[Spark1111]

I honestly wonder if MMs (no d-day) can really mend their marriages without confessing to the A. xMM had an affair that lasted 6 months 10 years ago. He confessed and they managed to move past it to an OK place for a few years. So things haven't been good for at least 6-8 years since his last affair. He then met me 9 months ago. I wonder how likely he can honestly fix his M. In my opinion, also of his counsellor's, that his M is over. His W has requested MC after all these years of not wanting to do it... anyway, just curious if anyone out there who has managed to fix their M without telling W about the A.

 

Well, the lightbulb really has to WANT to change!

 

And unless forced to change, usually by a DDAY, which has dire consequences, the most useful being seeing the pain their actions has caused others, why would one bother to do all that hard work?

 

So he has had more than one affair; things have not been "good" for 6 to 8 years, but STILL he did nothing to fix it and DID NOT END IT.

 

Maybe he will learn something in MC. Maybe not. But East7 makes a valid point: He still may NOT leave his marriage because he must have a degree of comfort in staying there.

 

So what does that mean for you? What do you want? How long will you put your life on hold to wait for him?

[Spark1111]

jwi....great post by the way!

[MorningCoffee]

This thread is interesting. I was the BH many years ago. After some counselling, my W completely ending all contact with her MAP, our moving to another state, followed by several months of living an hour apart, with neither of us dating anyone else, and gradually rebuilding trust and intimacy, our M did improve. Lasted a couple more decades, actually, ending only when my W passed away. So my experience tells me reconciliation is possible, and the M can be improved.

 

Fast forward to the present. I was the SOM to a MW. Several months into NC after D-Day, I wanted to know, in order to aid my own progress, whether my ex-AP/MW and her H were reconciling, or moving towards divorce. So I broke NC, had a few contacts (some lengthy) by phone. She is staying, no doubt. But whether the M will improve is problematic, as she wanted to continue these occasional contacts (I refused once I had my answer and have blocked her), she had stopped attending MC, and basically did not seem to be willing to do much of anything usually described in the prescription for healing, trusting, and improving the M. My guess is they're in a stalemate that each finds at least tolerable (financially, socially, sexually). They both get to parent the children in the same household, their respective families still see them as a couple with just occasional problems, and they will probably continue until either H meets someone and decides he'd be happier with someone else or she has another affair. Not sure what to call it, but I guess for statistical purposes it's a reconciliation. Sounds like a painful way to live to me. I wonder how many so-called reconciled Ms are like that --

[East7]

So I broke NC, had a few contacts (some lengthy) by phone. She is staying, no doubt. But whether the M will improve is problematic, as she wanted to continue these occasional contacts (I refused once I had my answer and have blocked her), she had stopped attending MC, and basically did not seem to be willing to do much of anything usually described in the prescription for healing, trusting, and improving the M. My guess is they're in a stalemate that each finds at least tolerable (financially, socially, sexually). They both get to parent the children in the same household, their respective families still see them as a couple with just occasional problems, and they will probably continue until either H meets someone and decides he'd be happier with someone else or she has another affair. Not sure what to call it, but I guess for statistical purposes it's a reconciliation. Sounds like a painful way to live to me. I wonder how many so-called reconciled Ms are like that --

 

Interesting MorningCoffee, My xMW/AP is doing exactly the same, no MC even tempted.

 

You make a great point, often, what is called 'reconciliation' is merely going back to Status Quo, because both spouses want to find their routine, are afraid of changing their lives and social/financial comfort, or making efforts to keep children in a united family. It doesn't mean they are falling in love all over again...

[Spark1111]

This thread is interesting. I was the BH many years ago. After some counselling, my W completely ending all contact with her MAP, our moving to another state, followed by several months of living an hour apart, with neither of us dating anyone else, and gradually rebuilding trust and intimacy, our M did improve. Lasted a couple more decades, actually, ending only when my W passed away. So my experience tells me reconciliation is possible, and the M can be improved.

 

Fast forward to the present. I was the SOM to a MW. Several months into NC after D-Day, I wanted to know, in order to aid my own progress, whether my ex-AP/MW and her H were reconciling, or moving towards divorce. So I broke NC, had a few contacts (some lengthy) by phone. She is staying, no doubt. But whether the M will improve is problematic, as she wanted to continue these occasional contacts (I refused once I had my answer and have blocked her), she had stopped attending MC, and basically did not seem to be willing to do much of anything usually described in the prescription for healing, trusting, and improving the M. My guess is they're in a stalemate that each finds at least tolerable (financially, socially, sexually). They both get to parent the children in the same household, their respective families still see them as a couple with just occasional problems, and they will probably continue until either H meets someone and decides he'd be happier with someone else or she has another affair. Not sure what to call it, but I guess for statistical purposes it's a reconciliation. Sounds like a painful way to live to me. I wonder how many so-called reconciled Ms are like that --

 

Probably, a lot.

 

It depends on what marriage means to you. For many, it is a contractual relationship and returning to the status quo is more important than truly fixing anything.

 

It is good enough, like "marriage lite," so to speak. And it "works" for many, many people.

[Snowflower]

Probably, a lot.

 

It depends on what marriage means to you. For many, it is a contractual relationship and returning to the status quo is more important than truly fixing anything.

 

It is good enough, like "marriage lite," so to speak. And it "works" for many, many people.

 

 

And there is plenty of people of marriages like this where there hasn't been infidelity...just years of disappointment, unresolved conflicts and built up resentment with the couple leading basically separate lives.

 

Point is, if a couple won't do the work to assess and fix the marriage (with or without infidelity) then nothing changes.

 

I still don't understand why the APs are always so concerned about the state of the marriage of their MP anyway. I know that sounds snarky, but I don't know how else to word it. Why don't APs concentrate on their relationship with the MP instead of worrying about what the BS is or is isn't doing, or how many years of marriage counseling that they have had, etc.

[MorningCoffee]

I still don't understand why the APs are always so concerned about the state of the marriage of their MP anyway. I know that sounds snarky, but I don't know how else to word it. Why don't APs concentrate on their relationship with the MP instead of worrying about what the BS is or is isn't doing, or how many years of marriage counseling that they have had, etc.

 

Just for myself, I was concerned, as I said, because the answer would contribute to my healing and moving on. That is, I'd know I could finally let go of the "what if"s and the "if only"s. Once I had my answer, I was done with wondering and I have moved on.

 

But if you're really interested in answers to your question, you might start a thread on it and see what folks have to say . . .

[Snowflower]

Just for myself, I was concerned, as I said, because the answer would contribute to my healing and moving on. That is, I'd know I could finally let go of the "what if"s and the "if only"s. Once I had my answer, I was done with wondering and I have moved on.

 

But if you're really interested in answers to your question, you might start a thread on it and see what folks have to say . . .

 

Thanks for answering from your POV. I've thought of starting a thread about it. Maybe I will sometime-good suggestion.

[phillyfan]

I honestly wonder if MMs (no d-day) can really mend their marriages without confessing to the A. xMM had an affair that lasted 6 months 10 years ago. He confessed and they managed to move past it to an OK place for a few years. So things haven't been good for at least 6-8 years since his last affair. He then met me 9 months ago. I wonder how likely he can honestly fix his M. In my opinion, also of his counsellor's, that his M is over. His W has requested MC after all these years of not wanting to do it... anyway, just curious if anyone out there who has managed to fix their M without telling W about the A.

 

Dude if a man is ready to bang a cute young thing on the side, then he doesnt want a divorce and never did, so he doesnt need to fix anythin. Hes happy with his wife, he loves her, he wants the marriage, period, but he wants a little fun too. So hes not gonna start blubbin to some counselor about how he told a lie is he? He is happy, and he has everythin he wants, and will do whatever he can to keep the status quo.

[siuys]

Interesting posts and comments. While I know every situation is different, I can only comment on my own.

 

At the end of the day, I chose to ignore the signs (I also did not truly see the signs) that xMM is NOT done with his M. Whether he will leave or not is irrelevant now. Point is, he was not done, he is not done, and therefore I should have stayed away from day 1. I know that now. I made a mistake. I lived in a fantasy world. I was naive. I've learnt my lesson and learning more every day. NC is helping me to stay strong and things are becoming clear as the fog lifts. I am not waiting or hoping.

 

I have learnt a lot but I do feel like a mug now for getting involved. And truthfully, whatever xMM does, I do wish him well. Just leave me out of it.