broken and empty

[tesh87]

I am posting on here for some support and some positive advise. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have 3 kids together. About 8 months ago he started doing a truck driving job that meant he would be away 5 nights a week. I often begged and cried for him to stay home and get a new job but he really enjoyed the job. In the last few months he started hiding his phone and not letting me anywhere near it. I know now how nieve i was but I beleived him ( and was still not happy about it) that the reason for not letting me near his phone was to do with a freind who was dealing drugs. This went on for months and every time cheating would cross my mind i would quickly dismiss it coz i was 100% trusting in him that he would never ever do that to me. He was also becoming very unhappy and distant at home which really got to me but I knew he was dealing with a lot of other things in his life and he always promised me his moods had nothing to do with us, he loved us more then anything. Anyway a few weeks ago I found one of his old phones and i turned it on. To my absolut shock i found msges from another woman and him saying how much they missed eachother so on so forth. I rang the number asked her if she new my husband and she asked how that was my business, when i said i was his wife she hung up straight away. I then rand my husband asked him who she was and he acted like he didnt hear me properly for a second. he then told me that she was an old freind from his old state I believed him but still the msges i read were definatly cheating. I was heart broken I rang her back and asked if they ever saw eachother and she said ' of coarse i do babe he delivers to my store every week!' so turns out she wasnt and old freind but a client he was seeing every week. They both swear they didnt have sex but admit to having an emotional affair. I dont know if i believe they didnt sleep together but it makes little difference to me. After finding out i started going through phone bills they were on the phone every waking minute, eben when he was home with me he would still call her (i dont know how i missed it) sinse finding out they have stopped talking to eachother (phone bills prove that) and he immediatly quit his job. I love him more then anything in the world but i have been left absolutly broken hearted. He tells me he loves me and i do beleive him. He said it was something that he just became addicted to and didnt know how to stop. We are trying to work through it but it is totally comsuming my thoughts. This is the hardest thing i have ever been through. I hate looking at our wedding photos and feel sick constantly. Please offer some advise on how we can work through this. I love him and my kids more then anything in the world, I want to get past this

[PegNosePete]

Welcome to LS, sorry you find yourself here in this terrible situation.

 

First you need to stop believing a single word that he says. If he loved you then he would not cheat on you, lie about it, cover it up, hide his phone, and go around boning other women. Because sorry to say, he was most definitely boning her. Men do not have an EA, meet up, and then not have sex. He's been lying to you for months, so why would you believe they didn't have sex? He needs to get STD checked, and so do you.

 

Cheating multiple times over a long period and telling countless lies to cover it up, he would be out the door so fast his bum wouldn't hit the floor. There is no way you should stand for that kind of treatment. He has only stopped because he got caught.

[tesh87]

Oh i definatly know that if I didnt find out about it it would still be going on. But he quit his job immediatly stopped communication immediatly is willing to go to marriage councilling even though that is something he is usually totally against, doesnt this all count for somthing. As for the sex I do believe there is such a thing as an emotional affair ( which to me is just as hurtful) the thing that is swinging me toward believing they didnt have sex is that on the one night a week he was in her city (and i know for a fact it was only one night a week coz he had a tight schedual to keep) they still would talk to eachother on the phone for hours. Dont get me wrong I know there is a good chance they did have sex and I will be getting checked for std just in case, I just strongly beleive it is possible that ppl can have an affair like this and not take it to the physical step. As for leaving him I want to give things a chance first as we have 3 kids to think about and I am a very strong believer in marriage 'for better or worse' even though he didnt stick to his vows I need to at least try and stick to mine. I know he loves me but I also know he he did something terrible where i wasnt even considered. poeple often say they came out of affairs with a stronger relationship, I am at least for now holding on to that and hoping we can be part of this small statistic

[Woman In Blue]

Awww Tesh, I can feel your devastation in every word you write.

 

PegNosePete is right, though. I think it would be extremely naive to believe your husband when he says it was only an 'emotional' affair. Truckers have strict deadlines and it's more than possible that your husband spent an hour in the back of his cab or in this woman's stockroom getting physical with her, then was right back out on the road talking to her on the phone for the rest of the night - as the cell phone bills indicate.

 

True "emotional" affairs seem to be very, very rare unless the two participants live too far away from each other to make it physical. You haven't been told the whole truth, and as long as you never find PROOF that it was physical, your husband will probably never volunteer that information to you.

[tesh87]

ok so what do i do now? where do we go from here and how can i find out if they actually did have sex or not. If I found out now that they did have sex i think that would leave me with no choice but to leave him. Not because they did actually have sex (it makes very little difference to me what i do know about is bad enough) but becuase i have given him plenty of chances to come cleane about EVERYTHING and i would hate to think he is still lying to me. I seriously dont know how to handle this I am a mess!!! just hoping a truck loses it and takes me out. He has ruined everything i believe in! Honestly thought i was the luckiest girl to have a man like that and turned out to be a load of crap.

[PegNosePete]

Unfortunately there is probably no way to get proof. Unless he is continuing the affair, or is really dumb and keeps text messages (maybe he has another phone you don't know about?) or emails, then the only proof will be what is in his head. So you could have him take a polygraph.

 

He has already admitted to a serious offence (EA). So if he wants to repair the damage he has done to your marriage then he should be prepared to do anything you ask of him. If he refuses a polygraph then he obviously has something to hide, and there is no chance of you ever trusting him again. Trust is destroyed in seconds but takes years to rebuild. If a polygraph is the only way for you to believe his word then he should accept that and do it willingly.

 

Honestly thought i was the luckiest girl to have a man like that and turned out to be a load of crap.

Welcome to the club hon. With the genders reversed obviously

[tesh87]

So far he has been willing to do whatever i ask, so thats one good thing. A polygraph would be great if i knew how to organise one. Would be interesting to see what he would say to that but there is no point asking if he knows i am bluffing. and pete i dont like this club how do i cancell my memebership haha.

[tesh87]

oh and also yesterday i changed his phone bill to see itemised text msges so if the contact has continued (which i dont think t has) I will find out in just a couple weeks. At the moment he thinks I can only see phone calls, so i am just praying her stupid number doesnt ccome up on his bill coz if it does he will leave me with no choice.

[PegNosePete]

Just put polygraph and your city name into google.

And yeah if you find out how to cancel your membership let me know, I want out too!!!