Live in boyfriend taking advantage of me?

[GirlnamedAngel]

First off I am hoping to only get mature- honest answers here. I don't need to hear "your bf is awful" etc etc. I am not here for that. I need a sounding board and I am not the kind of person who tells people about my relationship problems.

 

Me- 31

BF- 34

 

When I was a young adult my mother told me I was too hard on people- friends and relationships- that I set my bar too high and expected too much. She told me this when I was angry with a female friend one day for something (i don't remember what). I think I took that to heart because now I am always afraid of being mean or saying no. I am not the kind of girl most people would expect that from- I am the office manager where I work- I am attractive (i am told) and loving-

 

My question:

Basically I fell in love at the beginning of the year after a very, very bad 2 year relationship (abuse and cheating). <- A relationship with someone else.

 

I met my current bf and he was very nice and loving and told me all the right things- talked about marriage and kids and took me out on the best first date I've had in my life.

 

After a month he started staying with me a lot at my place. He had just moved to my state from another state when I met him and hadn't settled in yet so he was temporarily staying with his dad. He started staying over after that and he did it because I wanted it too. He didn't force it. We were both unemployed when we met but I had saved and was paying my bills. I think his parents helped him a little. Because I started out paying the rent (my place) it continued to be that way... now we both work. I make about 40% more than he does but all he has is a car payment. I pay all of the bills- which is about 1k a month total. I pay for all of our dates 95% of the time and I was okay with that but he doesn't help around the house at all. He is very messy and doesn't do dishes, make the bed or anything- really a sloppy person. I do everything including raise my 8 yr old daughter. I walk his dog, I do all of the household repairs- he is a maintenance man with a home building license but he never fixes stuff -tells me it's an apartment so I should call maintenance. I don't like to call maintenance so I do all the dirty repairs- garbage disposal repair, toilet issues, unclogging sinks- all of it. He sometimes takes out the trash but only when it's falling on the floor because it's so full or because it starts to smell horrendous. And even then it takes him 5 days more than it should. I cook all the meals and buy all the food. I do all the shopping and I help him carry the groceries in. I never ask him to do it alone even though I kind of think he should (three flights of stairs). I walk his dog during the week before and after work and I do the laundry.

 

Sometimes he complains that the he doesn't have clean clothes or that the dog hasn't gone out yet on saturday mornings because I get up at 9 and he sleeps till noon- he expects I will have walked his dog before then. His dog has peed on my floor like 50 times. He waits too long to take his dog out and usually I clean it up... I even paid for expensive carpet cleaning. It's a small dog so it's a small mess but it's still disgusting.

 

I know it sounds so terrible and it really hurts even typing this out. I think I know on a very real level that this relationship isn't fair and that he must not really love me, but he holds me like he loves me, kisses me like he loves me, he is great with my daughter, we have very loving sex and he is a very generous and considerate lover. Now he has delayed getting married because he says he is coming to terms still with the fact that I am divorced and have a kid and have had experiences already that will be new and fresh to him. He constantly tells me I am beautiful though and that I am his future wife (daily). He isn't saving for a ring. I am always afraid he doesn't have enough money to save but he keeps buying things like a pool table and a snow board- expensive motorcycle repairs. He tells me he does it for us so we have things to do together. It's always easier to think of the bad than the good when you're upset- but there really are a lot of good qualities about him. He'd never cheat on me- ever.

 

I need help in such a desperate way. I need sound advice. The few people I've talked to said, 'he sounds like a loser' but it isn't cut and dry like that. There are real feelings here and I truly love him and I think he loves me- I don't know if it's a maturity issue or what on his part. I think he really thinks he is a good boyfriend. He and I talked about relationship roles early on and he wanted a housewife who raised the kids and he wanted to be the one earning the living but he can't afford to earn our living but still seems to expect me to work 40 hours a week, do everything and raise my daughter. I mentioned a few things about this to my mom recently and she said, "Angel you're beautiful, smart, funny and very successful you could have anyone you want- a man who can afford to take care of his family and will dote on you and treat you like a princess." But it doesn't seem that simple to me. My first husband didn't love me and cheated (10 years) my second serious relationship was with an unattractive man who I was deeply in love with who let me pay for everything also and treated me like hell- was violent and physically hurt me a few times even. Now the stuff with this guy is happening. I feel like I must not deserve better. Every time I go into a relationship the man says he wants marriage and that I am the one (i haven't had a ton of relationships) but they all take that back after a few months and don't want to marry me (including my ex husband). I want to be a wife and I want more children. I feel bad about myself- almost like nobody will ever want to marry me and spend a life with me.

 

I am so full of hurt and I am so confused. If my boyfriend who treated me so well at first lets me pay for everything, won't get the ring (even though I think he really will marry me someday), doesn't help me with chores or repairs does that mean he doesn't really love me?

 

I am afraid of putting him out of my house too because I feel responsible for him. He is too poor to pay rent on his own- could probably survive with a room mate for sure though. I feel so guilty when I think of it.

 

Tonight he called me from work to ask me to get a six pack of beer for his friend who he wants to invite over after work- it was 9pm when he called and my daughter was in her pajamas and almost ready for bed- but I couldn't say no- what the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I say no? I wanted to say no but I couldn't.

 

Whatever advice any one can offer please do. I am hurting and confused and I don't know if the problem is that I expect a man who will do everything 100% correctly or if the problem is that I am not respecting myself by being with this guy. Like I said... I was told I expected too much a long time ago and at this point I don't know the difference.

 

Thank you for reading this. Really- thank you.:(

[sfranks1492]

It sounds to me like it is time to sit down with him and have a real adult conversation about responsibilities and how it needs to be equally shared if you are going to continue to work at this relationship. I think that you are enabling him to continue on as he has because you haven't set the expectation for equality in your relationship with respect to finances and household duties. When my boyfriend and I decided to move in together we had a VERY long talk about what he expected of me and what I expected of him and we outlined who paid what and when and who was responsible for each chore. We still have our issues now and again but we talk about it and come to a decision together. If he truly is the guy you want and you feel he has his share of good and bad qualities, it's simply time to set the stage. It's up to him to either step up to the plate and be a man or it's time to go. Good luck!~

[xpaperxcutx]

I had to think about your post for several sminutes before I could type a well thought out response-

 

You've became his mother. By writing you're responsible for him, you're basically mothering and allowing his behavior to continue. You are right that it's unfair, because not only are you raising your child, but you're also raising a man-child.

 

Does he pay half the rent?

 

I would imagine that if he was responsible for half the rent, then at least half of his behaviour could be tolerated, but since he isn't, you have a right to tell him to pick up his socks and his trash.

 

It's one thing to be tolerant and another to be taken advantaged of. You are the latter.

 

Do you ever imagine that you might be repeating very same pattern you've done with your exes? You allow these men into your lives because they sweet talk you and promise a ( non-existant) future. You've said you want a good marriage and more children, but what have these men offered but empty words?

 

You ask if this is love. If a man loves you, he would respect you. A respectful will not let the woman he loves take up all the responsibility of the household. And if he has pride, he certainly wouldn't let her pay for everything.

[Sabali]

You really came of as very pretentious in the beginning of this post. I am glad you shaped up by the end of it.

 

 

So basically you are someone who is so used to jumping in a specific sort of role in relationships that actually invites abuse.

 

Really.

 

I think you should accept this now. You lay the groundwork for men to come into your life and take advantage of you. Even the nicest of guys will do it because you make it so easy for them.

 

Here you are, spoon feeding this man-child like he is 4 years old and then you say, "why isn't he acting like he is 34 years old?"

 

 

Now, your momma could probably answer why you take on this behavior or role better than I can but the problem is not with him or your ex, the fireman or the next door neighbor. It's you.

 

If you would change your behavior, the men in your life would take on a different behavior and you wouldn't have this problem because they would be wary of the exit sign hanging over the door.

 

 

Your man sounds like he may be a decent guy that you allowed to take advantage of you. What are you doing raising a grown man? Ask yourself that. Just look in the mirror and take responsibility for what happens in your relationship.

 

 

Your boyfriend needs a cold splash of water on his face. Don't go home and tell him "honey, there really needs to be some changes around here."

 

That's weak.

 

 

You are going to have to come a lot stronger without losing your cool. He will shape up after you do that.

 

 

As far as men pulling out on you as far as marriage goes, I can tell you this:

 

It is hard to get a stiff one over a person you can use as a doormat. I am sure there are other factors that play into this but, of course, you won't admit to your vices and that is understandable.

[CLS63AMG]

I do everything including raise my 8 yr old daughter.

 

Its this..you're his Momma.

 

You provided from the get-go and continue to. He isnt going anywhere...unless you tell him to. Its time to lay down some rules girl.

 

Thats all..nothing to see here.

[GirlnamedAngel]

Sabali,

 

It upsets me to admit it but something you said really got to me....

 

"So basically you are someone who is so used to jumping in a specific sort of role in relationships that actually invites abuse.

 

Really.

 

I think you should accept this now. You lay the groundwork for men to come into your life and take advantage of you. Even the nicest of guys will do it because you make it so easy for them."

 

....

I think you're right. I think the reason none of them work out is because my "vice" is being too nice- or too giving- I always thought there was no such thing as being "too good" to someone, but I seem to have a habit of turning into the wife/mother/lovemaking partner who cooks and cleans and pays for things in every relationship. Maybe I do ruin nice guys.

 

If this is true I am in trouble. I don't know how to be any other way. Every time I try to be more assertive I feel guilty and like I am not doing my best to be good to the other person involved.

 

I have some speculation as to how I got here.... horrible, abusive childhood, blah blah blah... everyone has had horrible things happen in their life time- some worse than others of course - but still... lots of people come through that stuff and still stay a healthy person. I don't think I am one of those people. For whatever reason- I am letting people walk all over me and I don't know why or how to change it. I don't even know how to go about being more assertive or asking for more. I feel so guilty asking for more. It doesn't help that all my life I've felt like as the bible says a woman should respect her husband- I think I take that to the extreme... so much so that he gets angry with me when I ask him to do something... even the littlest thing.

 

I didn't like that you assumed I was pretentious- I am not even a little- if anything I am the opposite... but I respect what you had to say and as hurt as I feel right now. I think you're right.

 

All of you are right.

 

I am sitting here crying- upset- I just don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to ask for more. When I ask for more - even a little more it seems like the reaction I get is that I am asking too much or that I am underserving... maybe everyone thinks I am such a push over that it annoys them when I even start to stand up for me and my needs a little.

[Sabali]

I said you came off as pretentious in the beginning of the post...the very beginning but I had a different view by the end so don't get hung up on that.

 

 

I just don't know how to be any different.

Of course you do. You haven't tried. It is so easy to put your boot down on someone's neck. You just have to take it one step at a time.

 

I'll tell once again a very important thing in all of this:

 

Once you approach your boyfriend about reliving his childhood with you, you have to come correct! Don't you even think about approaching him with some soft June Cleaver type BS.

 

If you must take some time to digest this all, do that first but don't come to him with the soft stuff. There is a time and place for soft and there is a time and place for the boot on someone's neck. Whatever you do and when you do it, it has to be firm and you have to remain your composure throughout. Just think about it for a few days.

[ascendotum]

but he holds me like he loves me, kisses me like he loves me.

This is easy for a guy. Sex vs affection vs true love are not the same.

 

he has delayed getting married because he says he is coming to terms still with the fact that I am divorced and have a kid.

I'm not sure how long you have been together and that is a factor in this aspect, but I somehow get the impression that while he could really love you he possibly might sees you as being of lower quality (used goods) because of this and the shabby way he treats you (outside of the bedroom).

 

He'd never cheat on me- ever.

This really should not be listed as a 'PRO' point in weighing up the merits of a partner. It should be a basic given.

 

'he sounds like a loser'

You spend your $ on expensive carpet cleaning for his dog and rent and pay for all your dates while he spends his $ on pool table & motorcycle.

Start asserting yourself that he pulls his weight around the place and starts meeting his part of the financial obligations for running a house and a partnership. This will not change otherwise, he has a good thing going. Start going cold on him, and avoiding sex to make it easier to emotionally distance your self from him and influence his behavior. He got by before he met you, and didn’t have a job, he'll survive. Also if this relationship comes to an end reevaluate what you look for in a guy if your track record is dating deadbeats. I think you have lowered the bar too much.

[lenny]

You guys really need to have an expectations talk bad!!! It's very unromantic but going around with suppressed resentment over feeling you're being taken advantage of will only fester and explode in time. I would schedule some one-on-one time with him (without your daughter or the dog wanting to go out) and lay it all out. Try not to be aggressive (you don't do this, you don't pay for this) and keep it to I emotion statements (I feel the sharing of the expenses isn't proportional, I feel my share of the chores are too large).

 

In your post, it's hard to get a feel how well you guys communicate and if he gets all defensive easily but my guess is easily because of what you said about saying he's buying all the toys for you guys to do things together. My guess is he likely doesn't understand your perspective and has no idea he's in the dog house over these issues if you won't tell him. It's quite easy to approach someone communicating well and getting issue's resolved. He sounds like he really cares about you and saying to him "Hunny, these things are really bothering me" will only strengthen your relationship.

 

There are a number of topics I think you guys could work out a compromise on.

1. Bills. Figure out your bills and because of your income difference, perhaps a weighted average would work out well. I will pay 70% of the household bills because I earn this much and am paying for daughter plus myself. Your share is 30%. (don't dictate this or anything - work towards something that is agreeable to both of you).

 

2. Household chores. This can be a touchy area if you are a clean freak and he's a slob? Sometimes expectations can be just too high in this kind of a mix. This is where maybe you can look at really what absolutely needs to get done (dishes, laundry, garbage, take out the dog) and what really is just being anal (the cutlery needs to be washed first, followed by the tupperware, etc). Since you have said he wants to be the bread winner and have a wife manning the home fires and that's not the reality, this could be a more tricky issue to get past. Maybe here you can come up with some compromises where you can say ... I enjoy cooking but really dislike doing the dishes after; I enjoy taking your dog for walks but I also like lazing around on Saturday mornings so could you take care of that?

 

3. Couple play money. If your paying for you guys to go out on dates 95% of the time and he's spending 100% on toys for the two of you to enjoy, I'm getting the feeling you guys don't share the same opinion of how you'd like to spend time together. Again you guys could probably work out a weighted average thing out here where based on income you both pool some money together (60-40, 70-30 or whatever) with the agreement that you spend it on things you both agree on. You stated in your post he's spending the money on toys without stating whether these are things you'd even be interested it. Are you a pool fanatic? Maybe he's really thinking he's purchasing these things for the both of you without understanding how high you value these things, and vice versa for going out on dates (it might be your paying for you guys to go for supper when he could care less about going out). If you could come up with an agreement here where say you put in $200 a check and he puts in $100 a check (based on whatever percent you guys work out) for couple entertainment/stuff, and then work out what is the highest priority for both of you (maybe he doesn't like going out for supper every week but would enjoy going to a concert every couple months, you both would like to take flying lessons, or maybe save up for a trip, etc). After the bills are worked out, and the couples petty cash is worked out, whatever you guys left over after that (motorcycle repairs, your hobby/interest, savings) is left to whatever the individual has left.

 

4. Household repairs. I think on this topic, you are going to mainly have to suck it up as he is right. Not to say there still isn't some room to work things out like - "The toilet is clogged, we have a plunger, come on!" but if you are taking it upon yourself to do what is your landlord's responsibility you can't really complain.

 

Miscellaneous:

a) The whole go pick up a 6 pack ... you should have just said no. If he occasionally brings over people and would like to offer them a beverage, keep some on hand.

b) Your idea you can't put him from your house because you feel bad that he can't afford to live on his own ... he has his parents don't forget. This isn't a roommate arrangement - and if it was you would have kicked him to the curb long ago. And a question, if you're thinking along these lines already, are you past trying?

 

I know this is quite a long reply and I apologize. I am successful in my career and am typically the larger wage earner. I am different than you in that I am not really domestically inclined so when you get involved with a guy with some old fashioned idea's there are some unique challenges. Hope this helps.

 

I do have one other question though. How long have you two been together?

[Green]

People will do what you let the. If you are expecting for some guy to come in ur life and give you the respect you don't have for yourself you are wrong. The only advice I can give you is listen to that voice that says "I shouldn't be treated like this" and speak up for yourself about all the things you have mentioned and be willing to walk away from some one not willing to respect you on the things that matter.

[Els]

Uh... Honestly, sounds to me like you're 'cheerfully' doing everything, including his part, and resenting him secretly for it.

 

The solution is then to not do it. Don't walk his dog. Don't cook his food. And just call maintenance already, for the love of God. Make him split the bill for maintenance since it was his idea.

 

If he throws a huge fit and walks out on you because of it, you know that the 'love' you claim to have does not exist. If he truly is just a lazy slob and used to getting away with things because you let him but still loves you, this will allow him to shape up.

[GirlnamedAngel]

Lenny,

 

We've been together 7 months. But when we met in April he told me that he wanted us to be married by this October- we're both not getting any younger and we both want kids and the love was genuine so I felt good about him moving in with me. Traditionally I am not a "live together" kind of girl- I really feel like marriage should come before cohabitation. This situation was tricky though. He lived across town and we wanted to spend every day together and since I was going to marry him I knew I would need the extra time together to make sure it was a good fit.

 

Anyhow... last night he came home from work and I was really upset but I tried to hide it... I wasn't ready to create an issue right before bed (he got home at 1am and I get up by 7am)... and I just really wasn't ready to talk about it... but I was so hurt and upset that it was transparent and he knew something was wrong. He kept telling me he loves me and that he missed me all day and that he wanted to marry me. Then out of nowhere he got on the tangent again about me having an ex husband- it was almost crazy how he went from one gear to another like that but talking about the ex made him upset with me and finally I broke and told him how I had been feeling.

 

His response to me:

 

About the cleaning: "Angel, you said you liked to do these things for the man you love." I responded, "Well I work full time and it's a lot for me to do. I wouldn't mind if I was staying home (housewife)." He said, "You said that you liked to do domestic things and you didn't say that it would change if you are working." He was all indignant like I had offended him. He didn't even pause to think about my side. It felt like I was in the twilight zone. How could he not get it? Five minutes after pouring his heart out to me he starts getting mad and acting like I have no rights? What the heck?

 

Anyhow then there was more talk of him not being sure he wanted to sign on to a marriage where he was tied down to the state. That he wanted to move to another state (all his family is here oddly enough and he moved back here to be with them- I have zero family). He said he didn't want to live his life for "another man"- I explained that the reason I won't leave the state I live in is because I never had a father and I refuse to take my daughter away to a place where she won't have a father. I just won't do it. I hate where I live but my kid is more important. Then he said that biblically a woman should put her husband before her kids so I wasn't putting him first. It feels like if it wasn't this it would be something else with him? I don't know.

 

Then the bills: He said, "I only came to your place because you insisted we spend more time together" I don't live here- my stuff isn't here (his couch is still at his dad's house). I can just move back in with my dad"

 

I don't want him to leave. I don't want to break up. I don't want to force him into a situation where he has to uncomfortably ask his dad to move back in. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I really do.

 

And one more thing... what the heck is wrong with the fact that I was married once before? He has slept with like a dozen women - I am still counting on one hand in that area- he chose to date a lot and sleep around a little- I chose marriage- didn't I make a better decision than he did? I didn't give myself away to a lot of men like I was meaningless. I kept sex meaningful.

 

He also got into the fact that biblically it's wrong for a man to marry a divorced woman. But the bible also says that if a man commits adultery she can divorce her husband (that was my case). Also I don't feel like God would punish me for the rest of my life for a stupid decision I made when I was only 20 (getting married).

 

So confused.

[GirlnamedAngel]

Lenny,

 

We've been together 7 months. But when we met in April he told me that he wanted us to be married by this October- we're both not getting any younger and we both want kids and the love was genuine so I felt good about him moving in with me. Traditionally I am not a "live together" kind of girl- I really feel like marriage should come before cohabitation. This situation was tricky though. He lived across town and we wanted to spend every day together and since I was going to marry him I knew I would need the extra time together to make sure it was a good fit.

 

Anyhow... last night he came home from work and I was really upset but I tried to hide it... I wasn't ready to create an issue right before bed (he got home at 1am and I get up by 7am)... and I just really wasn't ready to talk about it... but I was so hurt and upset that it was transparent and he knew something was wrong. He kept telling me he loves me and that he missed me all day and that he wanted to marry me. Then out of nowhere he got on the tangent again about me having an ex husband- it was almost crazy how he went from one gear to another like that but talking about the ex made him upset with me and finally I broke and told him how I had been feeling.

 

His response to me:

 

About the cleaning: "Angel, you said you liked to do these things for the man you love." I responded, "Well I work full time and it's a lot for me to do. I wouldn't mind if I was staying home (housewife)." He said, "You said that you liked to do domestic things and you didn't say that it would change if you are working." He was all indignant like I had offended him. He didn't even pause to think about my side. It felt like I was in the twilight zone. How could he not get it? Five minutes after pouring his heart out to me he starts getting mad and acting like I have no rights? What the heck?

 

Anyhow then there was more talk of him not being sure he wanted to sign on to a marriage where he was tied down to the state. That he wanted to move to another state (all his family is here oddly enough and he moved back here to be with them- I have zero family). He said he didn't want to live his life for "another man"- I explained that the reason I won't leave the state I live in is because I never had a father and I refuse to take my daughter away to a place where she won't have a father. I just won't do it. I hate where I live but my kid is more important. Then he said that biblically a woman should put her husband before her kids so I wasn't putting him first. It feels like if it wasn't this it would be something else with him? I don't know.

 

Then the bills: He said, "I only came to your place because you insisted we spend more time together" I don't live here- my stuff isn't here (his couch is still at his dad's house). I can just move back in with my dad"

 

I don't want him to leave. I don't want to break up. I don't want to force him into a situation where he has to uncomfortably ask his dad to move back in. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I really do.

 

And one more thing... what the heck is wrong with the fact that I was married once before? He has slept with like a dozen women - I am still counting on one hand in that area- he chose to date a lot and sleep around a little- I chose marriage- didn't I make a better decision than he did? I didn't give myself away to a lot of men like I was meaningless. I kept sex meaningful.

 

He also got into the fact that biblically it's wrong for a man to marry a divorced woman. But the bible also says that if a man commits adultery she can divorce her husband (that was my case). Also I don't feel like God would punish me for the rest of my life for a stupid decision I made when I was only 20 (getting married).

 

So confused. It's like he really doesn't get it! He believes that he is in the right. How do you talk to someone who just doesn't get it?!

 

And he said I got the wrong beer and was mad at me!

[Sabali]

This is why I said that when you approached him you have to come correct. I knew if you came with the weak June Cleaver stuff that he would pull this manipulative $#!t on you and call your bluff.

 

I thought we had a plan...

 

Okay, now I can't even touch this because this is quite rooted in religion and I don't go there.

 

Go and live back with his dad, huh? He is freakin 34! What an alternative to mooching off of you...

 

Anyway, I got an extra pooper scooper for sale if you want it. My dogs are trained to go outside and directly into poop bags so I don't need it anymore. Just let me know...

[lenny]

It really sound like he's not willing to communicate. Honestly, I would say you and your dog go stay at your dad's then. When your ready to chip in with chores and expenses we can explore that then.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Okay, dear, after reading your posts it is clear that you are not going to get through to this guy (I had a feeling of that from the initial post). The only thing that will work is KICKING HIS BUTT OUT. The way he is treating you is bordering on emotional abuse.

 

Tell me what the positive things are about this guy. And trust me when I say that if your only qualifications for a guy are that he hold you, tell you he loves you, and have sex with you, well there are a plethora of decent single men who are capable of doing those things.

 

I think at the root of all of this is low self esteem. And I agree with Sabali when he said of course he's not going to step up and do anything, because you've made it so easy for him.

 

From another perspective, do you really want your daughter growing up with this example? She sees her mom work all day, and come home and pay bills and labor over chores all night, while her boyfriend sits on the couch with his buddies and drinks beer. YOU know you are being taken advantage of, and at 8, your daughter is almost at the age where she'll start picking up on this too. And maybe she'll start to think that this is how men are supposed to treat women. That would be a really sad lesson for her to learn from you.

 

The guy keeps bringing up your divorce for one simple reason: to keep you in your place. To remind you that you are "damaged goods" in his eyes and he is doing you a favour by being with you. He is slowly eroding your self esteem and using your divorce is the perfect way for him to feel like he's better than you.

 

Kick this guy out. Please.

Edited November 26, 2010 by kiss_andmakeup

[musemaj11]

This guy is a leech. Lots of women behave like him, but at least those women usually work around the house while this guy does nothing.

 

Kick him out.

 

You are a very good and loving woman and you deserve someone better.