I am 35 and in love with a girl who is only 18

[Perfectly Miserable]

Hi there,

 

Before I start my story please know I appreciate your honest feedback no matter how harsh it might be.I am a 35 years old man who never been in serious relationship before and I finally met this girl online (I know meeting someone online is always iffy specially for the girl) about three mons ago..and it was love at first sight. First she told me she's 21 but later turned out to be a bit over 18. We have not met yet and we are not making any decision before we meet and both make sure about how we feel and what we want.

 

We have been chatting for almost 3 month now. I kinda forced her to break it up as soon as I knew her real age which was almost two month since we met. I was kinda mean and harsh at that time trying to bring us both back to reality. And as soon as I reached out to her with my feeling she seemed pretty grateful. She hated me for breaking up with her earlier and did not hesitate to forgive me. I donno is it because she is inexperienced or she never heard such sincere words from anyone one before..in all honesty I am inexperienced myself and never meant to seduce her (I wouldn't want any one to do this to my sister either).

 

We did both share a lot of pictures together, family pictures as well and she pretty much knows everything about me. I guess we both appreciate the facts we have been both totally honest to each other from the very beginning. We haven't met in person because I am working overseas now and she is back home. We are planning to meet at the earliest chance, but until then she does no prefer having phone or video conversation. We both recognize the fact she is inexperienced and that we need to take things easy. So I am not trying to rush or pressure her into anything. We both agree with you all and we understand the importance of meeting face to face first before making any further steps.

 

I donno if this is love as I never been in love before. I literally have tears sometimes thinking of her but would be happy she is out there (weird huh!) When I think of her I have random thoughts about her. I want to be with her and talk to her all the time but i don't do that because I worry about her and want her to focus on her studies and education. I get a funny tingly feeling in my stomach every time I think of her. I just cannot get her out of my mind. When she is not around, i am the most miserable person in the world and feel my heart will jump out of my chest and when we chat I am the most happiest person on earth.

 

I know you may call me and old desperate fool. But seriously I don't think I am. I tried to breakup with her when she told me her real age because we thought it was the right thing to do specially that we haven't met yet. I just wanted to do the right thing for her and we broke it up. It was only two weeks before we both could not take it anymore. It was the most miserabe two weeks in my life.

 

Few things about us. I am 35 but always been taken for being in my mid-20s and I act like it..so I cannot be really considered as matured as a 35 yrs old..always been lagging behind. She is 18 but seems a lot more matured than girls her age, physically and mentally. Both our fathers are about 12 yrs older than our moms. My parents passed away though when I was 10..so I really cannot get an advice else where. When we chat we have no proble communicating.. we almost do not feel that big age difference. She may even be more experienced with relationships than me. We decided we can only proceed with this relationship under two conditions: (1) first we have to wait a couple of years till she finishes college.. we are both taking in the possibility that with me being a 35 year old, I may want to start a family in 3-5 years. I need to make sure she is up for that (2) Her parents must know and we can only proceed with their blessing (3) of course we have to meet and make sure this is what we want.

 

Since we haven't met yet, we know it might be easier to end it now so nobody gets hurt (which we tried already but failed). But in the same time we know of many couples who have been having big age difference and yet where the happiest couples ever..including our parents. However this may have been the case in the past where we come from and it was not 17 yrs difference! What scares me the most is how to bring the news to her parents and my family.. Every time I put my self in her father's shoes I freak out but I don't want to give her up yet. We want to take our chances still.

 

I really donno what to think. I understand we have to meet first and it's not worth sweating the big stuff now. I have come to realize I have been dumping so much on my girl because I am so afraid to deal with the issue myself. I know this is my issue and I am the one who have to deal with it. I understand the importance of not rushing her into anything soon. She is still inexperienced and have the whole life ahead of her.

 

I really do not want to hurt this girl and I want to do the right thing for her, yet I don't think I can live without her.

 

What would you do?

[Sabali]

What would I do?

 

Well, personally, I would never get myself into this situation. Yeah, you're both adults but it really looks ridiculous. Really. You are old enough to be her father.

 

 

I know people say they know 30 year-olds who dates 60 year-olds but it is all relative. An 18 year-old is relatively immature to a 60 year-old woman and this situation is not like a 60 year-old woman dating a 77 year old man. Those are two relatively mature individuals dating whereas you are speaking of someone barely out of high school or is in high school.

 

In any event, that is my personal view. I have seen worse things in the world than large age differences in the dating world and in the end, I say live and let live. But there is one thing to consider:

 

You haven't even met this girl!

 

 

All of these feelings and such are mostly fantasy. Meet the girl first then spill your heart out on Loveshack.org. As far as I am concerned, she might as well be a cartoon character until you actually meet her.

 

Anyway, I wish you well.

[Knittress]

No video chat? Are you sure this isn't a GUY? One of my favorite sex bloggers, who seemed so articulate and knowledgeable about female sexuality, turned out to be some middle-aged dude from Jersey. Seriously! It's a crazy world.

[xpaperxcutx]

I think you're in love with an internet fantasy.

 

When I was 18 ( and that was 3 years ago) the older the men I dated, the less I took them seriously.

 

An 18 year old is immature ( just think Miley Cyrus) even if most do get into relationships, they're more likely to want to date other people in the future. People don't like to get tied down too early on, and for those who do, they tend to resent their SO years on for taking away much of their youth.

[Cracker Jack]

Walk away from the situation.

[Green]

You've been running away from intimacy your entire life. (would I be correct to guess you are either a virgin or never been kissed?)

 

YOU GO FOR IT> Please tell me she lives within driving distance... if so YES you meet her in person, you look at her ID and make 100% sure she is over the age of consent. ANd you you show that woman how much you love her... physicaly!

 

Attraction is the only thing you should consider.(and yes people the law)

If you found yourself attracted to and 80 year old women for example and it was an honest and true attraction I would say do it.... Its easy to have an honest and true attraction for an 18 year old but also easy to get turned off by imaturity... if you havn't been turned off and are only turned on the GO FOR IT!

[Perfectly Miserable]

Thanks to all for your honest feedback.

 

Sabali- I totally agree with you. The whole things may seem ridiculous specially she's only 18. I know I may be trying to make excuses for myself here saying my parents were close to our ages when they got married and they where the happiest couple ever or saying we never felt that age difference when we chatted with each other.

 

As you said, it may be all fantasy, but the truth is really i feel it's just more than that..so I will follow my heart and meet her first. Same time, I know I should not be rushing her into anything at least before she finishes her college, otherwise it would be totally unfair for her.

 

Knittress- Thanks I am sure sure this isn't a GUY? I am the middle-aged dude from Jersey (yes, from Jersey) here. So no worries here. I think she is the one to be more worried about his.

 

Cracker Jack- I tried and it did hurt so much! I know I may sound ridiculous, but I am really in love with that girl. It may sound selfish too. Someone may say "oh! what will I be losing", I know it will hurt way more if things do not work out later and God knows I did not think of it that way. I really don't want to hurt her.

 

Green- You hit the nail right on it's head! I'll follow my heart and I promise I won't do anything that will hurt her in anyway..I would rather stay out of her way in that case.

 

Thank you all.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Perfectly Miserable
Incomplete

[lailani]

Hi there,

 

Before I start my story please know I appreciate your honest feedback no matter how harsh it might be.I am a 35 years old man who never been in serious relationship before and I finally met this girl online (I know meeting someone online is always iffy specially for the girl) about three mons ago..and it was love at first sight. First she told me she's 21 but later turned out to be a bit over 18. We have not met yet and we are not making any decision before we meet and both make sure about how we feel and what we want.

 

We have been chatting for almost 3 month now. I kinda forced her to break it up as soon as I knew her real age which was almost two month since we met. I was kinda mean and harsh at that time trying to bring us both back to reality. And as soon as I reached out to her with my feeling she seemed pretty grateful. She hated me for breaking up with her earlier and did not hesitate to forgive me. I donno is it because she is inexperienced or she never heard such sincere words from anyone one before..in all honesty I am inexperienced myself and never meant to seduce her (I wouldn't want any one to do this to my sister either).

 

We did both share a lot of pictures together, family pictures as well and she pretty much knows everything about me. I guess we both appreciate the facts we have been both totally honest to each other from the very beginning. We haven't met in person because I am working overseas now and she is back home. We are planning to meet at the earliest chance, but until then she does no prefer having phone or video conversation. We both recognize the fact she is inexperienced and that we need to take things easy. So I am not trying to rush or pressure her into anything. We both agree with you all and we understand the importance of meeting face to face first before making any further steps.

 

I donno if this is love as I never been in love before. I literally have tears sometimes thinking of her but would be happy she is out there (weird huh!) When I think of her I have random thoughts about her. I want to be with her and talk to her all the time but i don't do that because I worry about her and want her to focus on her studies and education. I get a funny tingly feeling in my stomach every time I think of her. I just cannot get her out of my mind. When she is not around, i am the most miserable person in the world and feel my heart will jump out of my chest and when we chat I am the most happiest person on earth.

 

I know you may call me and old desperate fool. But seriously I don't think I am. I tried to breakup with her when she told me her real age because we thought it was the right thing to do specially that we haven't met yet. I just wanted to do the right thing for her and we broke it up. It was only two weeks before we both could not take it anymore. It was the most miserabe two weeks in my life.

 

Few things about us. I am 35 but always been taken for being in my mid-20s and I act like it..so I cannot be really considered as matured as a 35 yrs old..always been lagging behind. She is 18 but seems a lot more matured than girls her age, physically and mentally. Both our fathers are about 12 yrs older than our moms. My parents passed away though when I was 10..so I really cannot get an advice else where. When we chat we have no proble communicating.. we almost do not feel that big age difference. She may even be more experienced with relationships than me. We decided we can only proceed with this relationship under two conditions: (1) first we have to wait a couple of years till she finishes college.. we are both taking in the possibility that with me being a 35 year old, I may want to start a family in 3-5 years. I need to make sure she is up for that (2) Her parents must know and we can only proceed with their blessing (3) of course we have to meet and make sure this is what we want.

 

Since we haven't met yet, we know it might be easier to end it now so nobody gets hurt (which we tried already but failed). But in the same time we know of many couples who have been having big age difference and yet where the happiest couples ever..including our parents. However this may have been the case in the past where we come from and it was not 17 yrs difference! What scares me the most is how to bring the news to her parents and my family.. Every time I put my self in her father's shoes I freak out but I don't want to give her up yet. We want to take our chances still.

 

I really donno what to think. I understand we have to meet first and it's not worth sweating the big stuff now. I have come to realize I have been dumping so much on my girl because I am so afraid to deal with the issue myself. I know this is my issue and I am the one who have to deal with it. I understand the importance of not rushing her into anything soon. She is still inexperienced and have the whole life ahead of her.

 

I really do not want to hurt this girl and I want to do the right thing for her, yet I don't think I can live without her.

 

What would you do?

 

hello there;

 

How are u?..hope your doing great..i like your letter honestly and i would like to share some of my thoughts based on my experiences on this kind of situation. I myself presently having a relationship with my cyber bf who's 8 yrs younger than me at first i feels so awkward because of our age gap but later on as the past several months were chatting i realized that he's more matured and experienced than me especially when it comes to relationship and some other things we shared..so it think theres nothing wrong having relationship with the younger one..as long as you have patience to wait until she's emotionally and physical ready and you are willing to wait for her..its just that meeting personally and chatting on the net is different things so u have to be ready when the times u guys meet each other.because your older you have to adjust yourself and be patience ..give her a chance to enjoy her single life so that after several years and u still love each other..there would be no regrets on both parties and both of you will be happy for the rest of the days..In my present situation with my bf i give him freedom to do anything he wants coz i know he's younger than me..most of the times i encourage him to chill with his friends and have some fun coz i dont want he will regret later..hope you it will help you feel much better. Take care and be happy.

[Els]

...Wait, she lied before and told you she's 21?

 

Just webcam (a decent form of webcam if you don't want to take advantage of her) already before you start getting yourself tied into knots over this.

[lino]

I can see this turning out well.

 

What sort of bloke is her dad? Might want to find out about that before worrying about anything else!

[kiss_andmakeup]

Uh, no, you really don't know she is who she says she is, unless you video chat with her or meet her. Have you ever seen the documentary "tallhotblond?"

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talhotblond

 

These guys went nuts over this girl they met and fell in love with online (they never met her in person). They thought she was an 18 year old girl when really it was an 18-year-old-girl's mother posing by using pictures and videos of her own daughter.

 

I'm not saying she definitely isn't real, just saying you should meet her before getting your heart tied up in this.

[NoLongerSad]

What would you do?

 

In your position, I would seek therapy for myself.

[Green]

Uh, no, you really don't know she is who she says she is, unless you video chat with her or meet her. Have you ever seen the documentary "tallhotblond?"

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talhotblond

 

These guys went nuts over this girl they met and fell in love with online (they never met her in person). They thought she was an 18 year old girl when really it was an 18-year-old-girl's mother posing by using pictures and videos of her own daughter.

 

I'm not saying she definitely isn't real, just saying you should meet her before getting your heart tied up in this.

 

Damn now I want to see this movie sounds good just watched the trailer.

 

Yes always try to meet people in person and don't put to much thought or weight on this online stuff. Don't fall in love with a person you never met.

[Perfectly Miserable]

ah oh! well I do know for sure she is who I think she is I know where she lives, where she studies, who are her friends, so I am not really worried about this one.

 

As to What sort of bloke is her dad? I don't really know. Most of the advices I received were more like let meet first before spelling everything out. Than take it from there. I cannot really bring this up to her dad if have not even meet yet. He will probably think I am a nut case..why might be true!

 

Lailani, thanks for sharing your story, I realize she is still young, have her entire life ahead of her, and you right may be she would look at it differently later as she starts experiencing the real world. I definitely want to give her some room there.

 

This whole thing is just crazy, I know, I probably got the worst of everything (age, online dating, distance). What can I do! I am really in love with her..or at least soon to find out.

[Els]

Dude... people can create a whole persona online... It isn't unusual...

 

Have you at least even spoken to her on the PHONE?

[Perfectly Miserable]

Elswyth, I just wanted to answer your first question about her lying to me the first time.. and believe me I am not trying to make any excuses for her here. I believe the reason she might have done so because she saw I was too concerned about me being 'too old' when she asked me about my age the first time. She is the one who approached me later with her real age... I went really insane and broke it up a couple of days later...

 

We now both understand the importance of meeting ASAP and until then we should be having phone and video conversations. It was very tough for both of us earlier and we were both going thru bad times the reason we could not do that earlier.

 

I am not really concerned about us or about her lying to me. I was more concerned about the age difference and mostly whether it will be socially acceptabe.. I guess real reason why I posted my story here. May be I posted for other reasons. May be I am over concerned about what other people think..specially her parents, but I just can't help it.

 

I really donno what to think anymore!

[Els]

Bah, my post just got deleted by accident. Writing a short summary instead.

 

People usually fear such pairings because the man may use his advantage (more life experience, etc) over the naive young girl to 'use' and take advantage of her. People also fear that the man is just after a nubile young body to have sex with and nothing else, because they can't see what else a man would like in a girl half his age.

 

But that doesn't seem to be the case with you; you seem like a decent guy who genuinely likes her.

 

So, my advice:

 

1) Phone/video/public meeting ASAP, please. ASAP.

 

2) If she is who she says she is, I will risk the wrath of many other posters by telling you: If you feel this is really what you want, go for it.

 

3) But hold back on the sex for a long time, to make it CLEAR to yourself, her, and her parents that you aren't in this to 'use' her in any way. Treat it like an old-fashioned courtship, at least for the first several months.

 

4) Understand that you WILL be judged by society, it is normal. If you feel you can't handle it, don't do it. Understand that there WILL be incompatibilities caused by your different stages of life.

 

If you can go through all that and truly love her - hey, it just may work out!

[kiss_andmakeup]

Bah, my post just got deleted by accident. Writing a short summary instead.

 

People usually fear such pairings because the man may use his advantage (more life experience, etc) over the naive young girl to 'use' and take advantage of her. People also fear that the man is just after a nubile young body to have sex with and nothing else, because they can't see what else a man would like in a girl half his age.

 

But that doesn't seem to be the case with you; you seem like a decent guy who genuinely likes her.

 

So, my advice:

 

1) Phone/video/public meeting ASAP, please. ASAP.

 

2) If she is who she says she is, I will risk the wrath of many other posters by telling you: If you feel this is really what you want, go for it.

 

3) But hold back on the sex for a long time, to make it CLEAR to yourself, her, and her parents that you aren't in this to 'use' her in any way. Treat it like an old-fashioned courtship, at least for the first several months.

 

4) Understand that you WILL be judged by society, it is normal. If you feel you can't handle it, don't do it. Understand that there WILL be incompatibilities caused by your different stages of life.

 

If you can go through all that and truly love her - hey, it just may work out!

 

This is a great post. You're just going to have to come to terms with the fact that her parents probably are NOT going to be happy about you or the whole situation.

 

And yes, you know who she is because you trust her and she tells you about her friends, where she lives, and where she goes to school? Did you even look at the link I posted? Meet her or video chat with her NOW before you get your emotions anymore tied up in this.

 

The guy in the story I posted about KILLED another man because he loved this girl so much, WHO TURNED OUT NOT TO BE REAL. Don't you think he was "sure" she was real?

 

I am beginning to see why you would get along with an 18 year old...your naivete is crippling.

[sagetalk]

18 year old girls are not mature and they never will be until they are well into their 20's. This is a huge mistake. You've been warned.

[Seamless74]

this whole situation just sounds bad... reeks of desperation and LUST not LOVE You cannot LOVE a person you have never seen in the flesh... Its just a terrible situation and you should not have all you eggs in one basket like this ever... Your too old (like me) to be falling into internet online dating delusions like this one...

 

I bet if you were actually trying to meet and approach women you see in your daily life you would realize how silly this fantasy of yours is and wake up..

 

Cyber BFs and GFs are you guys serious??? I believe all the previous posters on here are being waaayyy to kind to your behavior and giving you a free pass. Try to meet and actually see the person before you let this go on any further..

[Sivok]

You haven't even spoken to her on the phone yet? Alright, let me break down my experience:

 

I played a game called World of Warcraft for a year or so a while back. There was this one person on their who claimed she was a girl. We became good friends, and then she began coming onto me. I was a bit wary of the whole ordeal mostly because it started sounding too good to be true: a hot redhead gamer girl i clique with perfectly? 1) she never would agree to talk vocally, claiming she didn't have a microphone or she hasn't paid phone bills. 2) Her stories seemed a bit TOO out of this world, and opening up very easily.

 

Finally, I searched into her email, and found out this person was a some guy in his late 40s from new york. After exposing the person, they never hopped online again.

 

Same thing happened later. My GF was talking to this person she met on a forum claiming her name was 'katherine'. Never agreed to voice chat, etc, and my GF apparently was talking to her for years. After I constantly prompted katherine to get on the phone or webcam, she would keep making false promises that she's going to buy a microphone or 'until her new cell gets shipped in'. When she knew she couldnt keep up with the lie, she dropped off the face of the earth. We never really found out the truth, but my inclinations say katherine was no different than Jess.

 

If you don't have real relationship experience, then you're falling for this girl due to a few things:

- You never met her in person so your mind is projecting what you know about her and filling in the missing details with what your mind's fantasy girl is like

- Desperation. The fact you feel down when you aren't talking to this girl who might not even be real is only starting this whole thing on an unhealthy foundation that will destroy you emotionally. You cannot have a healthy relationship if you're unhappy while single. A significant other should compliment your life, not be it. I assume she's always on the background of your mind regardless of what you're doing at any given moment? To feel that way about someone you haven't met and whose voice you haven't even heard yet is simply unacceptable - fix this soon, as the notion itself is very worrying.

Edited November 25, 2010 by Sivok

[Perfectly Miserable]

If you don't have real relationship experience, then you're falling for this girl due to a few things:

- You never met her in person so your mind is projecting what you know about her and filling in the missing details with what your mind's fantasy girl is like

- Desperation. The fact you feel down when you aren't talking to this girl who might not even be real is only starting this whole thing on an unhealthy foundation that will destroy you emotionally. You cannot have a healthy relationship if you're unhappy while single. A significant other should compliment your life, not be it. I assume she's always on the background of your mind regardless of what you're doing at any given moment? To feel that way about someone you haven't met and whose voice you haven't even heard yet is simply unacceptable - fix this soon, as the notion itself is very worrying.

 

These are really serious stuff to think about. I have to admit it I am really worried myself. You all can tell I have never been there before, so I donno what to think or say.

 

All I know for know I can't keep up with all those feelings and I know something need to be fixed here.

 

As always, I do REALLY appreciate you all.

 

It's just too much for me to take at this point. I know one of my issues was not taking any serious action at all. It's just too many thoughts, too many questions, and too many possibilities- all going on in my head at the same time. I just need some time to think clearly about all that before taking (or not taking) any actions or making any decisions that I would regret later.

 

In the meantime I will keep you posted on my situation.

 

Thank You!

Edited November 25, 2010 by Perfectly Miserable
Typos

[alexlakeman]

hello there; I myself presently having a relationship with my cyber bf who's 8 yrs younger than me at first i feels so awkward because of our age gap.....

 

What's a cyber bf? Is it real? What ages are you two that are 8 years apart?

[strength-abounds]

Honestly, it sounds like you're lusting after this "girl" rather than being in love with her. You should take a step back from this situation and try and define what love really is.

[Perfectly Miserable]

Honestly, it sounds like you're lusting after this "girl" rather than being in love with her. You should take a step back from this situation and try and define what love really is.

 

Hi and thanks for your posting. Well, I cannot tell for sure if it's lust or love, but I will tell you how I feel and let you judge.

 

First I have to say that love and lust are inextricably intertwined and I doubt you can even love a woman without any lust. The question is it love or lost that drives my feelings?

 

I have admit she is a really 'beautiful' woman. She has the smile of an Angel. She's even more beautiful when she's mad. but I do not believe its the sexual desire that drives my feelings:

 

 

• All I want to do is to be with and talk with her. Over the 4 months we have been chatting, the sex topic was never brought up even once.
  
• I got this crazy feeling that my life is totally empty without her. I can't wait for the moment when I can introduce her to my family and friends.
  
• I never (and will never) take advantage of her. She wanted to come over a couple of time and I refused that because I don't want her in harm way.
  
• I think of her all the time and I cannot go by one day without chatting with her.
  
• I do really care for her and I would do anything to make her happy.
  

 

Then, If it was just lust, would I have broken up with her when I first found about her age!

 

Now I will let you decide...

 

Thanks!