tlind Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Hey everyone, first off I’m a guy and my friend is a girl. I like her only as a friend (there was a time where I thought I liked her more but that quickly faded). I know she likes me more then just a friend and most of my friends tell me that she is trying to manipulate or control our friendship to get what she wants. I never believed them until I started looking at the things that were actually happening and thought that there was some truths to what they were saying. When we first started hanging out we hung out all the time, like 4-5 days a week. Early on I told her that friendship was all I wanted, because I didn’t want her to expect something I couldn’t give her. Fast forward 2-3 months I get a job out of town and am only home for 3 days every two weeks, so obviously we wouldn’t be spending all day together. Here are some of the things that lead me to believe my friends that she isn’t the best person to hang out with: I have more friends then only her, but she expects me to put all my friends on the back burner to hang out with her all the time whenever I come home. She gets upset whenever I mention a girl around her, yet she always mentions all these guys she’s cuddling with every other night. She calls me selfish whenever I don’t do something she wants, yet I do more that she wants to do then she does what I want to do. Every time I have an opinion that differs from hers, I’m automatically wrong and she’s right because she knows best... she even told me as much. I told her that I felt invalidated by her, but she just dismisses it saying that she’s only telling me I need to change to become a better person because she “cares” about me and that none of my other friends are doing anything to help me... I was honestly starting to feel like crap about myself, until I realized that nothing is wrong with me, thanks to the help of friends on the outside looking inside, who voiced their opinions and concerns about my friendship with this person. She’s rude and unapologetic but expects me to apologize to her whenever she finds me being rude. If she misinterprets a text I send her, she’ll accuse me of something that isn’t true and won’t listen if I tell her she’s misread my texts. Then she’ll ignore me, and later in the day she’ll ask me if I’m done being rude? If I do something that she doesn’t agree with, or something doesn’t go her way, she threatens to end the friendship if I don’t change. She’s done this about 4 times in the past 3-4 months, the last time this happened, I called her bluff and told her to not contact me anymore. In the time I’ve spent away from her I’ve started feeling so much better about myself. There are many other things to...name calling, belittling, etc... but these are the ones that have bothered me the most with her. I’ve honestly just found her to be really emotionally abusive. She’s texted me twice since I told her to leave me alone with “Are you done?”.... and “To bad, cause I wanted to see Due Date with you tonight, and was gonna be my treat”... then a week later she texted me “Watch Made Of Honor”... I haven’t responded to any of these, because I hate the games she’s playing. Most of my friends think she’s an attention seeker and just using me to get what she wants. My one friend who I’ve known since kindergarden (over 20 years) said that she uses the word “care” to try and control. Do these sound like the actions of someone sincere or someone emotionally abusive and controlling? Should I give her another chance and express my concerns with her, or now that I feel better without her friendship just leave it at that?
hART Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 She sounds manipulative and attention seeking. Does she have many friends? If you feel better without her in your life, then get away from her.
Author tlind Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 She sounds manipulative and attention seeking. Does she have many friends? If you feel better without her in your life, then get away from her. She does have a lot of friends (I'm not sure how many of them are close friends though), and way more are guys then women because she claims that women are "drama" and it's easier to maintain friendships with men. She does also get into many arguments with most of her friends and uses the silent treatment against them to make them think about what they did wrong.
quankanne Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 yep, she's manipulative and an emotional vampire to boot. Time to cut the cords on this relationship unless you want to go through life being seriously unbalanced by this person, because what she's offering isn't actual friendship. change your number, block her, remove her from facebook, etc and just get her out of your life because she's not bringing anything positive to it. If she complains, tell her that you've seriously contemplated the relationship, and you've realized that it's not your idea of a true friendship because of how she treats you. Then walk away.
hART Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Well, since she has plenty of other people to pester, it is best to get this person out of your life.
ConstantCraving Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 Should I give her another chance and express my concerns with her, or now that I feel better without her friendship just leave it at that? If you feel better NOT being friends with her, then I think you just answered your own question. It doesn't sound like she is willing to change.
Author tlind Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 yep, she's manipulative and an emotional vampire to boot. Time to cut the cords on this relationship unless you want to go through life being seriously unbalanced by this person, because what she's offering isn't actual friendship. change your number, block her, remove her from facebook, etc and just get her out of your life because she's not bringing anything positive to it. If she complains, tell her that you've seriously contemplated the relationship, and you've realized that it's not your idea of a true friendship because of how she treats you. Then walk away. I didn't want to believe it about her, but once my friends expressed concern I read up about it and 80% of what they were saying about controlling and emotionally abusive personalities was exactly like her. When I expressed my concern to her about it she denied it and turned it around on me expressing how much she "cares" about me and that I should not be talking to her like that. Needless to say, my trust in her was quickly broken and the blindfold removed. In the one month of NC with her, I've gained so much self worth and esteem back, that in a way I'm kind of glad I got to know her (now I know the signs to watch for about these personalities and steer clear). I'm not sure if she realizes this or not, but I hope she gets the help she needs, because people do come in and out of her life a lot (hardly anyone puts up with her long enough and they leave), then she blames them and wonders how anyone could do that to her - thus staying the victim and repeat process with next person. I will stay away from her, she hasn't tried contacting me to often since I've called out my concerns and thoughts about what I thought she was doing... I suppose once the strings are cut, there isn't anyway to manipulate the puppet anymore and no real purpose for them. Thanks everyone!!
quankanne Posted December 3, 2010 Posted December 3, 2010 I suppose once the strings are cut, there isn't anyway to manipulate the puppet anymore and no real purpose for them. exactly! And once you see through them, it's as if they can't afford to be "friends" because the balance of power has shifted away from them. Oh yeah, better to excise those people out of your life, because time is too short to have to deal with that kind of caca
Author tlind Posted December 3, 2010 Author Posted December 3, 2010 Thank you!!! I've been reading a book called "Emotional Freedom" by Judith Orloff, M.D. So far it's been a really insightful read, and there is one quote in it, that really stuck out at me and has quickly become a favourite of mine: "The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison" -FYDOR DOSTOEVSKY I find this one quote to be somehow, I dunno...enlightening and can be applied here!
quankanne Posted December 4, 2010 Posted December 4, 2010 "The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison" it's pretty much how an abuser keeps a victim where he/she wants them, by convincing this is "normal" behavior and then enacting the abuse ... you, however, are going to be all right because your innate bullshxt meter seems to be working just fine, kid!
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