Am I horrible for talking to these other guys online?

[Melmel]

I am in a relationship. I have many online friends, all are female (like me). I'm straight also.

 

I have met a few guys over the years and it's been purely once in a while "hello, nice blog post" kind of chats.

 

Then there was a guy that was super flirty. Lives out of the country. I never flirted back but I was curious what he'd say next. I only talked with him a few months. I have a game on my phone that let's you send pics back and forth. I played it all the time with everyone I know. Well this flirty guy eventually sent nude pics. I told him I don't do that, and never did. But I kind of instigated getting more, like showing a hip here and there. A few people I know sent pictures like that since it was anonymous fun.

I'd never experienced anything like it. Then I felt bad and grossed out after a few months and just let the "friendship" die.

Talked ONLY about every day boring things. He lost interest and never talked to me again. That was over a year ago.

 

Then I made a new guy friend through that same game. Also out of the country. They were really nice and cool. Our convos consisted of "hey did you hear this electronics rumor" or "did you see that episode?"

Only thing that broke the innocence there I think is that a.) he had a girlfriend he was hiding (found him on Facebook! Doesn't know I know) and b.) we talked nearly every day to every week over the span of a year and sent pics of stuff we bought or cool sights we saw as well as the occasional self portrait.

 

He abruptly stopped responding to my emails (which were dwindling at that point anyway) hasn't responded to me in over a month. I'm fine with it but I'm paranoid as to why it was so abrupt after so long. I know he's online still.

 

Anyway, are these affairs or considered cheating? I feel bad, I don't want to tell my boyfriend either. I'd rather just never talk to a male online again and stick to my cool worldwide female friends. (yes I have offline friends too!)

 

I feel lousy... I didn't take it seriously. I just went with it... But didn't see the seriousness in what I did until now that it's over. It's not a fake world, it's for real. I also worry these things will come back to bite me... What do you think?

 

I feel shaky and disgusting, especially about the flirty guy and he is long gone for well over a year now! What if they saved every little thing from me? I know what I sent, I think just the volume of pictures is bad and a few hip tattoo shots. I feel so so disgusted with myself for letting some dude send me gross pictures and believing it was innocent since I didn't know him. Could someone I know ever find out?

Edited November 24, 2010 by Melmel

[hoping2heal]

Mel,

 

You seem to be on the fence. You are at a point of halfway taking responsibility for your actions, and halfway making rationalizations about your behavior. What you did was wrong, and I know you full well know it. You never met them so I don't see how it could be seen as a physical affair, but something of an "EA" is probably more suitable. It was most definately a form of infidelity.

[Clep]

If it was as innocent as you say with the one guy then what would make you think he is "hiding" his girlfriend? You aren't being totally honest with yourself or us here.

 

If you feel badly or guilty about your partner knowing the details about your actions you are doing something wrong.

 

You should always be behaving as if your partner is right there beside you. If your partner was to do the same types of things you have, would you only want him to be honest with you out of fear of getting caught or because he was wrong and is being accountable for himself, doing the right thing?

[Melmel]

I feel shattered thinking of him, and I feel like I just want to erase what happened at the same time.

 

These people only know my first name and capital of my state which I live only a little ways away from. But I feel they could somehow find me or do something weird like make a website dedicated to "this horrible girl from the US". Literally.

I am so nauseous. At the time I felt it was harmless but now it has HIT me that it is not harmless... I feel like I want to tell him to get rid of the torture from guilt but I feel like I don't know if I could tell him the whole story.

 

I think I have to tell him. But even upon telling him, could I stop whatever these people could do to me? What if they try to find me and let the whole world know we were flirtatious or talking or sending pictures and all of it? I mean, one of them abruptly stopped talking to me, what was that about?

 

I have become paranoid on top of this horrible feeling.

[hoping2heal]

I feel shattered thinking of him, and I feel like I just want to erase what happened at the same time.

 

These people only know my first name and capital of my state which I live only a little ways away from. But I feel they could somehow find me or do something weird like make a website dedicated to "this horrible girl from the US". Literally.

I am so nauseous. At the time I felt it was harmless but now it has HIT me that it is not harmless... I feel like I want to tell him to get rid of the torture from guilt but I feel like I don't know if I could tell him the whole story.

 

I think I have to tell him. But even upon telling him, could I stop whatever these people could do to me? What if they try to find me and let the whole world know we were flirtatious or talking or sending pictures and all of it? I mean, one of them abruptly stopped talking to me, what was that about?

 

I have become paranoid on top of this horrible feeling.

 

You should tell him because it is the right thing to do for your relationship, not because it can or can not stop what someone could do. Someone might put photos of you up on a website, but it is likely they have already been passed along to people vs. actually putting them on a site. When I used to have a cell phone, I wasn't into sexting or sending pics, but I would get them regardless - of people who randomly sent them to people I know. It is scary what happens but it is likely what has happened, already has. Be greatful it was just a hip, and not breasts or a vagina that you sent out to be seen.

 

I do think it's odd that this "friend" who was a guy, you took the time to find him on facebook behind his back and check up on him. That doesn't really line up so I have to wonder what the "real" story there is.

[Melmel]

Well, there's not really more to the story, it's very easy to look someone up on facebook when you know their first and last name, especially if it's unique like theirs is.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your boyfriend was doing behind your back when you were doing to him? You need to tell him. Your relationship is either based on trust and honesty or lies and deceit. The choice is yours. Good luck.

[hoping2heal]

Well, there's not really more to the story, it's very easy to look someone up on facebook when you know their first and last name, especially if it's unique like theirs is.

 

I understand, there must have been some personal something going on for him to share his first and last name with you. Also you were not given his facebook, you went looking for it. The sending pics of things you did during the day, and pics of yourselves, etc. Obviously you were close and the fact that he "hid" his gf from you - that tells more as well. There's no reason to "hide" anyone from a friend.

[wicar1]

I am not sure if you were cheating but I do agree.. your actions are disgusting. I think you should tell your bf about this, if you really wanna be honest with him

 

Seriously, I think cell phones and social networks, create more cheaters like never before. duh?

[NoLongerSad]

Melmel,

 

bury this and never do it again.

 

You've learned a lesson, listen to your remorse, change your behavior for the better.

[hoping2heal]

I am not sure if you were cheating but I do agree.. your actions are disgusting. I think you should tell your bf about this, if you really wanna be honest with him

 

Seriously, I think cell phones and social networks, create more cheaters like never before. duh?

 

Wicar - it gives cheaters a medium to do so, it does not create them though. There are plenty of people who have cell phones and facebook and myspace, and they do not do things like that behind the back of their SO's

[What_Next]

You are on a VERY SLIPPERY SLOPE!!!!

 

My wife met "someone" through an innocent website, she eventually had an affair and the consequences are SEVERE for her.

 

Stop this silly behavior now. Tell your BF, heal and move forward.

 

If you cannot stop this behavior COLD right now, please let your BF go so he can find someone that won't treat him this way.

[Melmel]

Oh definitely, I've already stopped it. I stopped any flirtiness around January 1 year ago. I still talked to the one guy but if you read the emails you'd think it were two guy's talking... Just really friendly except it was a bit flirtatious in the beginning. Haven't talked to that one in over a month... Isn't responding to me either but at the same time I'm seeing it as "good riddance!" The other one was a bit worse as I kept talking to see what theyd send next.

 

I'm not an antisocial person or anything but I do NOT talk to guys outside of that... No texting, no emailing and no calling any guy I know in real life. I think these guy's appeal is that you only see exactly what they show.

[Jonah]

Maybe some gym and heavy collage to take the place of the heavy flirting? Do you feel that you are missing some love and affection in your life? You do get some reward out of the action or you wouldn't keep doing it? What is it that draws you to it?

[goingstrong]

No, but your playing with fire.Your So will get pissed if he finds out and I am sure that you will credibility as well.

[Binster]

Dont tell your boyfriend - nothing happend.

 

Dont do it again - you know it was wrong.

 

Dont beat yourself up to much - we live and learn.

[Clep]

Oh definitely, I've already stopped it. I stopped any flirtiness around January 1 year ago. I still talked to the one guy but if you read the emails you'd think it were two guy's talking... Just really friendly except it was a bit flirtatious in the beginning.

 

If you start out flirting with a guy when he knows you are in a relationship he also knows you are not the faithful type. He will then stick around for the time when you are vulnerable or vengeful.

 

If you were flirting with this guy and you are still talking with him you are seeking attention in all the wrong places. And you keep justifying your behavior. Put the shoe on the other foot and see if you would be okay with your guy remaining friends with a woman when the friendship started out on a flirtatious foot.

[wicar1]

Wicar - it gives cheaters a medium to do so, it does not create them though. There are plenty of people who have cell phones and facebook and myspace, and they do not do things like that behind the back of their SO's

 

True, what I mean is infidelity, cheating rates have been increased significantly after the establishment of social networks.

[Melmel]

I ended up deleting an email I used to talk to a coupe of them. The funny thing is that one of these guys messaged me last week saying "hey haven't talked to you in forever! Was reading old emails can't believe it's been so long since we first talked!" he knows I have a boyfriend and we are very friendly except a bit flirty at the very beginning (like him saying I looked very beautiful)

This guy never worried me as he seemed genuine but now that this whole thing is bothering me I can't help but suspect he'll use my emails against me (like they have details in them that any friend would talk about, details about what I do for work and he too). I just get afraid he's not a nice person and will find someone I know and send them all the emails. They are basically obviously from me.

At this point I am so so paranoid... My mind is running away with itself. I wish I never talked to these people!

I wrote back to him oh haven't been online. Hope you have a great night! And left it at that. This person always messaged me out of the blue anyway. I'm sure he will in a few months from now again too.

 

I just keep thinking of these people making a website with my pictures or emails or knowing someone I know. Ugh... I want to be left alone. I want to delete that messenger account also but what if he sees I'm not reachable and lashes out or tries to find me??

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I ended up deleting an email I used to talk to a coupe of them. The funny thing is that one of these guys messaged me last week saying "hey haven't talked to you in forever! Was reading old emails can't believe it's been so long since we first talked!" he knows I have a boyfriend and we are very friendly except a bit flirty at the very beginning (like him saying I looked very beautiful)

This guy never worried me as he seemed genuine but now that this whole thing is bothering me I can't help but suspect he'll use my emails against me (like they have details in them that any friend would talk about, details about what I do for work and he too). I just get afraid he's not a nice person and will find someone I know and send them all the emails. They are basically obviously from me.

At this point I am so so paranoid... My mind is running away with itself. I wish I never talked to these people!

I wrote back to him oh haven't been online. Hope you have a great night! And left it at that. This person always messaged me out of the blue anyway. I'm sure he will in a few months from now again too.

 

I just keep thinking of these people making a website with my pictures or emails or knowing someone I know. Ugh... I want to be left alone. I want to delete that messenger account also but what if he sees I'm not reachable and lashes out or tries to find me??

 

 

I dont even know why I'm responding to this but here goes. It sounds like you need some sort of validation. From people you never met online to boot

In either case..I don't really understand why you even reply to this nonsense. Just block every user on there...and delete that email. SIMPLE!

[mitchell]

I suspect you have saved all of the photos they have sent you, even the nude ones. I also think you look at them regularly.

 

If you want to stop this, you need to delete these photos and all of the contacts. Only then will you get on with your life.

[Dexter Morgan]

"Am I horrible for talking to these other guys online?"

 

not so much horrible as not being fit for a relationship.

 

Break up with your bf so he can find someone who won't disrespect him like this and someone that knows the meaning of committment.

[Distant78]

Tell him what happened so he can make a decision on whether he should stay with you or not.