To tell or not to tell.....

[h44h]

This is my first post and I know I'm opening myself up to a ton of criticism. I'm looking for honest advice though. What happened, has happened, it was wrong and I’m not looking for judgment about what a terrible person I am.

 

I am separated and I've had an 7 month affair w/ a married friend. It's over now. We have not been physical in over a month, however we continue to occasionally talk. He's made the decision to stay in his marriage for his kids. This marriage is rocky to say the least (according to him). His wife thinks something may have happened between us but he denies it. She has confronted me once and I didn't deny anything but didn't confess either. He has no plans to come clean and told me so.

 

I've seen numerous people "get away" with affairs and it makes me furious. I feel that his wife ignoring some very obvious signs, so I'm not naive to think that maybe she just doesn't want to know the truth. However, I am contemplating opening the door to tell her, if she's interested in knowing.

I know I'm taking a risk for her to come after me and turn the tables but I feel that women to women she needs to know.......this coming from (me), someone who has been cheated on before.

 

I don't know exactly what I want to get out of it except that everything is all out on the table since he doesn't intend on putting it out there.

He clearly isn't in love w/ me enough to chose me so I know a future w/ him is not in the cards. But I'm suffering while he gets to walk away scot-free and continue his life. He'll likely cheat in the future and try get away w/ it again.

The thing that holds me back is that I know one his family members thru my job. I don’t want to create a potential awkward situation.

 

 

Honest advice is much appreciated, especially from anyone in a similar situation.

Thx,

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is no real reason for you to tell her personally, and doing so will more than likely backfire badly. It nearly always does. If you must do it, do it anonymously and discreetly.

[SoMovinOn]

Confession is bad for the soul, and every other part of your body and life. Ignorance is bliss. There is nothing good that would come from her knowing the truth. Nothing. It won't do anything good for her. It won't do anything good for you.

 

Decades ago, turning a blind eye now and then, was the classy thing to do. Now, everybody seems to believe there is some amazing magic in truth. There isn't. Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes, the *only* thing truth does is hurt.

 

Move on with your life. Forget it ever happened.

[h44h]

Thank you. I know that's the smart way to go, it's just hard.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with the other's that you shouldn't tell her. It seems like your motivation is more (and please correct me if I'm wrong) out of revenge (that MM gets away with it, while you suffer) then looking out for her best interest. Her husband is a liar, but maybe, just maybe, he will get caught in the act sometime and she will learn the truth about him. Karma has a way of working like that.

[whichwayisup]

How can you say she's in denial when HE is lying and gaslighting her and she outright asked you, and you didn't confirm or deny?

 

The thing that holds me back is that I know one his family members thru my job. I don’t want to create a potential awkward situation.

 

So, you telling her the truth means you don't want to suffer any consquences of your choices? Can I ask why you didn't come clean to her when she asked you about you and her husband?

 

Since you've been cheated on before, I guess you understand what she is going through, not really knowing, wanting to believe her husband (and you can bet he is pouring on the charm, making it seem like it was nothing and all in her head, or even more so, making it seem like you chased him, had a crush on him and nothing happened, that he wasn't interested in you but you kept pursuing him - Never say never, many MM throw their OW under the bus when push comes to shove, to save their own hide).

 

If you feel she deserves the truth, then tell her, but only if it means you and her husband are completely over. No friendship, no contact, nothing. Wouldn't it be cruel to tell her and still be in contact with him? Though, I'm sure if you tell her the truth he won't want anything to do with you.

 

Why not tell him that you are going to tell her the truth. GIve him a chance to come clean first? Just a thought.

[h44h]

And I'm a big believer in karma!!!

He's aware that I've considered telling her.........and he didn't necessarily put up too much a fight about it. Which tells me he wouldn't mind if I did his dirty work. It's twisted my head up so much that at times I wouldn't be too bothered by doing this dirty work. Ugh!

 

Thanks for the comments!

[jwi71]

She has confronted me once and I didn't deny anything but didn't confess either. He has no plans to come clean and told me so.

 

Why did you lie to her? And yes, you lied. You KNEW the truth and when directly asked...you didn't speak it.

 

And to say she is ignoring the obvious truth is not accurate. HE lied to her...YOU lied to her...what is she ignoring again?

 

Guilt is a powerful thing. And its haunting you now. Is the W suffering? Who knows...but consider what it took for her to actually ask you. That took incredible courage - and the gnawing fear of your answer. Now, maybe you provided her relief (not likely imo) but bought yourself this.

 

Personally, I WOULD tell. No way, no how will she like it or you. Nor will anyone in her circle. However, what YOU do gain is some measure of personal atonement. That you gave HER the information she NEEDS in her life. What she does with it is up to her.

 

Assuage the guilt and do the right thing for once (pertaining to this A)- tell her.

[SouthernSunshine]

Might as well tell him girl, if you really want to! Just know that she will most likely stand by him, and you will look like the bitter, used up & thrown away piece of meat who's just jealous he has a family. If you tell, it will probably bring them closer together in some weird way. If you keep it burried, it will eat at you. Either way you lose! It sucks, and I've learned my lesson, although it was never with a legally married man.

[fooled once]

This is my first post and I know I'm opening myself up to a ton of criticism. I'm looking for honest advice though. What happened, has happened, it was wrong and I’m not looking for judgment about what a terrible person I am.

 

I am separated and I've had an 7 month affair w/ a married friend. It's over now. We have not been physical in over a month, however we continue to occasionally talk. He's made the decision to stay in his marriage for his kids. This marriage is rocky to say the least (according to him). His wife thinks something may have happened between us but he denies it. She has confronted me once and I didn't deny anything but didn't confess either. He has no plans to come clean and told me so.

 

I've seen numerous people "get away" with affairs and it makes me furious. I feel that his wife ignoring some very obvious signs, so I'm not naive to think that maybe she just doesn't want to know the truth. However, I am contemplating opening the door to tell her, if she's interested in knowing.

I know I'm taking a risk for her to come after me and turn the tables but I feel that women to women she needs to know.......this coming from (me), someone who has been cheated on before.

 

I don't know exactly what I want to get out of it except that everything is all out on the table since he doesn't intend on putting it out there.

He clearly isn't in love w/ me enough to chose me so I know a future w/ him is not in the cards. But I'm suffering while he gets to walk away scot-free and continue his life. He'll likely cheat in the future and try get away w/ it again.

The thing that holds me back is that I know one his family members thru my job. I don’t want to create a potential awkward situation.

 

 

Honest advice is much appreciated, especially from anyone in a similar situation.

Thx,

 

Honest advice.

 

You didn't care to tell her when you were having sex with her husband, but now that he has dumped you, you are all about being truthful and 'woman to woman' letting her know. Kinda hypocritical don't you think?

 

So, she asked, you lied. You participated in gaslighting her.

 

Now you feel the need to tell...out of revenge. Just admit it and own it. You basically said it isn't fair for him to go on without hurting while you are suffering.

 

My advice - leave her alone. You have done enough to hurt her. Why would you intentionally do this to her with the holidays around the corner? Why weren't you truthful the FIRST time SHE came to you???

 

As for the job - are you worried the family member will have you fired?

[newlife2010]

This is my first post and I know I'm opening myself up to a ton of criticism. I'm looking for honest advice though. What happened, has happened, it was wrong and I’m not looking for judgment about what a terrible person I am.

 

I am separated and I've had an 7 month affair w/ a married friend. It's over now. We have not been physical in over a month, however we continue to occasionally talk. He's made the decision to stay in his marriage for his kids. This marriage is rocky to say the least (according to him). His wife thinks something may have happened between us but he denies it. She has confronted me once and I didn't deny anything but didn't confess either. He has no plans to come clean and told me so.

 

I've seen numerous people "get away" with affairs and it makes me furious. I feel that his wife ignoring some very obvious signs, so I'm not naive to think that maybe she just doesn't want to know the truth. However, I am contemplating opening the door to tell her, if she's interested in knowing.

I know I'm taking a risk for her to come after me and turn the tables but I feel that women to women she needs to know.......this coming from (me), someone who has been cheated on before.

 

I don't know exactly what I want to get out of it except that everything is all out on the table since he doesn't intend on putting it out there.

He clearly isn't in love w/ me enough to chose me so I know a future w/ him is not in the cards. But I'm suffering while he gets to walk away scot-free and continue his life. He'll likely cheat in the future and try get away w/ it again.

The thing that holds me back is that I know one his family members thru my job. I don’t want to create a potential awkward situation.

 

 

Honest advice is much appreciated, especially from anyone in a similar situation.

Thx,

 

Do NOT contact his wife. Do NOT. Nothing good will come from it for you, I promise you. Let him live his own life as it is.

 

I soooo.. know your hurt. That he gets away scot-free. But you need to focus on where YOU are going from here and not on hurting him and his life.

 

Others might disagree with me in that she "deserves to know". She deserves to know nothing from you. Just from him. Let them deal with their relationship. It's not your responsibility to contribute to it in any way.

 

Let yourself be furious with how he chooses to deal with his M and his A, and then remove yourself from it and find something BETTER.

[SouthernSunshine]

Honest advice.

 

You didn't care to tell her when you were having sex with her husband, but now that he has dumped you, you are all about being truthful and 'woman to woman' letting her know. Kinda hypocritical don't you think?

 

So, she asked, you lied. You participated in gaslighting her.

 

Now you feel the need to tell...out of revenge. Just admit it and own it. You basically said it isn't fair for him to go on without hurting while you are suffering.

 

My advice - leave her alone. You have done enough to hurt her. Why would you intentionally do this to her with the holidays around the corner? Why weren't you truthful the FIRST time SHE came to you???

 

As for the job - are you worried the family member will have you fired?

 

Wow.. now that's good advice fo sho!

 

 

Please overlook my original post, my advice clearly does no good. The holidays are around the corner.. surely you're not that bitter to spill the beans, and hurt the family & kids. When mama's hurting, the kids know it.

[lkjh]

I love how on a board full of Ow/Om you can actually read lines like "nothing good can come from the truth" and "confession is bad for the soul". What kind of crazy crap is that.

 

The lady knows you were banging her husband but she needs validation. She needs solid proof. She is not ignorant she is being deceived by you and the MM.

 

 

Oh and by the way telling the truth is the right thing to do even if the truth is motivated by the wrong reasons(like revenge).

 

 

OW and OM will always be miserable because they lack basic moral principles

[Ella whispers]

I disgree. I'm not miserable. I learned a valuable life lesson and I don't and won't ever regret it. Is he miserable? Yep.

 

Hurting someone else won't make you feel better, its a waste of time.

[scatterd]

Im with IKJH it hurts the wife more not knowing the truth she suspects something or she would not of asked.If she knew she then she would be able to make a choise through knowledge.How can she do anything if she has no proof.Her family works with with you I bet she has mentioned your name and is watching.Why protect her now the damage has already been

done.

[confusedinkansas]

I've always been one to post DON'T TELL

Reasoning being..................Nothing good can come of it.

 

You need to ask yourself a few questions though before you do it.....

 

Are you just looking to make his home life miserable?

 

Are you telling to clear your guilty conscience - were you feeling guilty when you were seeing him?

 

Are you just searching for a bit of drama in your own life now that the affair is over?

 

If you were still living with your husband that you're separated from (living a semi-happy life), would you want this other man's wife to confront him?

 

Don't you think you'd look silly now since you've already lied to her? You say you think she knows something - well MANY BSs know what's going on. Some choose to turn a blind eye. Others are confrontational. She could be the blind eye gal because she wants to keep her family in tact at any cost.

 

......Were you hoping for a happily ever after with this man? - Did you leave your husband for this man?

[Pomppikani]

Please, don't tell her.

 

Is it revenge you are looking for?

Want to make him suffer like he did to you?

 

If you get your revenge.... what after that? You are happy to go on with your life?

[Spark1111]

I love how on a board full of Ow/Om you can actually read lines like "nothing good can come from the truth" and "confession is bad for the soul". What kind of crazy crap is that.

 

The lady knows you were banging her husband but she needs validation. She needs solid proof. She is not ignorant she is being deceived by you and the MM.

 

 

Oh and by the way telling the truth is the right thing to do even if the truth is motivated by the wrong reasons(like revenge).

 

 

OW and OM will always be miserable because they lack basic moral principles

 

fBS here.....

 

I tried very kindly to contact her a few months after DDAy, when they were over and he was desperate to reconcile.

 

I didn't trust him completely yet. She never returned my calls. Very, very cowardly of her.

 

She was still hoping our reconciliation would fail miserably and he would once again be available to her to rekindle the relationship.

 

A lot like you. Now that it is over, you did not have the courage to answer her questions truthfully when she asked. Were you hoping for the same thing?

 

But now that you seemed resigned to the fact that he has chosen her over you, NOW you grow a conscience?

 

You should have told that woman the truth when she asked for it! Now.....she may not believe you are having a guilty conscience. By now, he has tried to convince her that it wasn't as much his fault as your fault.

[h44h]

Thanks everyone! The input really is helpful even though tough to hear.

My responses are below in BOLD.

 

I've always been one to post DON'T TELL

Reasoning being..................Nothing good can come of it.

 

You need to ask yourself a few questions though before you do it.....

 

Are you just looking to make his home life miserable?

 

I KNOW IT PROBABLY SEEMS THAT WAY BUT I WANT MOST IF FOR HIM NOT TO GET AWAY WITH IT. IF SHE DECIDES TO STAY WITH HIM, AT LEAST SHE'S DOING IT W/ ALL THE FACTS OF THE AFFAIR.

 

Are you telling to clear your guilty conscience - were you feeling guilty when you were seeing him?

 

I FRANKLY WASN'T FEELING ALL THAT GUILTY WHILE I WAS SEEING HIM. THAT'S MY OWN ISSUE TO WORK OUT. IT'S TERRIBLE, BUT AS I'M SURE SOME OF YOU CAN RELATE TO; YOU JUST GET CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT AND THE CONSCIENCE GOES OUT THE WINDOW

 

Are you just searching for a bit of drama in your own life now that the affair is over?

 

COULD BE. IT'S LIKE, HE HAS ALL THE CARDS, GET TO PICK WHAT HAPPENS. THIS IS THE ONLY CARD I CAN PLAY. IT'S HARD TO ADMIT THAT BUT I'M TRYING TO BE AS HONEST W/ MYSELF AS I CAN.

 

If you were still living with your husband that you're separated from (living a semi-happy life), would you want this other man's wife to confront him?

 

NO, I LIVE ALONE. AND IF I DID WRONG THAN I WOULD DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.

 

Don't you think you'd look silly now since you've already lied to her? You say you think she knows something - well MANY BSs know what's going on. Some choose to turn a blind eye. Others are confrontational. She could be the blind eye gal because she wants to keep her family in tact at any cost.

 

......Were you hoping for a happily ever after with this man? - Did you leave your husband for this man?

 

NO, THE AFFAIR STARTED A FEW MONTHS AFTER I SEPERATED. AND YES, I DID HOPE THAT MY RELATIONSHIP WOULD CONTINUE W/ HIM. I'VE KNOWN FOR THE PAST MONTH THAT HE INTENDS ON STAYING. I'M GETTING USED TO THE IDEA BUT HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO COME CLEAN TO HER AFTER WE ENDED. I RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT HE HASN'T AND WON'T. THAT'S WHY I'M WHERE I AM NOW.

[ItsNeverForever]

Just my two cents, but Confused in Kansas has a good point...you denied it to her face when she asked you, plus who knows what fantastic lies he's fed her to protect himself. If you tell her now, she'll just see you as a bunny-boiler and you won't get the relief you were hoping for.

 

I've been cheated on before, and I'm all for the bad guys getting their come-uppance...but in my experience, that never comes when you want/need it to, whether you attempt to perpetuate it or not. But I've seen it myself many times - it DOES come back around. Karma is alive and well, and you just have to trust that he'll get his. The odds are only in your favor because when (not if) his number does come up, if you are lucky to be privy to the knowledge of it happening, you'll be so far removed from it your only reaction will be to laugh.

 

I know, easier said than done when you're angry/hurting.

[Lauriebell82]

And I'm a big believer in karma!!!

He's aware that I've considered telling her.........and he didn't necessarily put up too much a fight about it. Which tells me he wouldn't mind if I did his dirty work. It's twisted my head up so much that at times I wouldn't be too bothered by doing this dirty work. Ugh!

 

Thanks for the comments!

 

This seems very manipulative to me. That he wouldn't mind if you took all the blame for the A, that he wouldn't have to deal with his W's anger and her initial response to learning the truth. That shows that he doesn't value your feelings.

[freestyle]

This seems very manipulative to me. That he wouldn't mind if you took all the blame for the A, that he wouldn't have to deal with his W's anger and her initial response to learning the truth. That shows that he doesn't value your feelings.

 

 

Right on the money, LB--and it smacks of conflict-avoiding behavior.

 

(which is a recurring theme amongst WS's)

 

Reminds of a few IRL examples I've known of people wanting to get out of relationships, so they begin to mistreat the partner. When the partner finally reaches their saturation point, and bails out of the R---the conflict avoider can sit back and play the poor abandoned victim......oh, poor me...

[SoMovinOn]

I love how on a board full of Ow/Om you can actually read lines like "nothing good can come from the truth" and "confession is bad for the soul". What kind of crazy crap is that.

 

Just that crazy reality and truth crap. It sound very noble to talk about truth, honest, confession... but it's all a bunch of bull. Even those who claim to be pillars of truth and honesty lie all the time. Grandma comes in wearing something hideous from the 1940's, and you tell her she looks marvelous. You're late for work because you overslept, you tell your boss the power went out, or you had a flat, or one of the kids was sick... and on and on.

 

There are no small lies or big lies. Lying is lying... and everyone does it.

 

There is no Karma - no magic being or force keeping track of what we all do on a minute by minute basis. How egotistical of us to think there is anyone else who cares. As if some omnipotent being has nothing better to do than track the actions of a bunch of lab rats. There are people who do real evil, their whole lives, and never get caught, never suffer consequences, never pay a price. There are people who do good all their life who seem to always end up with the short end of the stick anyway.

 

People like denial. People like ignorance. It is how anyone gets away with an affair in the first place. The spouse always knows. The spouse always sees things, picks up on things. They start by making excuses for you. A small hint of perfume - probably from his sister. When it gets too in their face, they may ask a question, and they'll accept just about any answer - because they don't *want* to believe you'd cheat on them.

 

I've been on both ends of this game. Even when you think you want to know, you eventually realize you don't. Ignorance is bliss. Unfortunately, once the genie is out of the bottle, you can't put her back in.

[Silly_Girl]

Im with IKJH it hurts the wife more not knowing the truth she suspects something or she would not of asked.If she knew she then she would be able to make a choise through knowledge.How can she do anything if she has no proof.Her family works with with you I bet she has mentioned your name and is watching.Why protect her now the damage has already been

done.

 

Her almost-knowing might well be driving her half-mad...

 

I say 'fess up, give her sanity a break. You should have done it first time around, but it's not too late.

[Pomppikani]

Her almost-knowing might well be driving her half-mad...

.

 

That might be true but we can't know for sure.

I wouldn't tell. The only good thing h44h can do is let them deal with their marriage themselves.