shexwalksxalone Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I'll try to make this as simple as possible.. My ex and I were together for 3 years, and I got so close to him and his family. We were best friends. I can't go anywhere without memories of us. We eventually got engaged, and he had told me I was his soul mate and I felt the same. I lived with him, I kept our apartment clean, helped with rent, if he needed anything I'd be there. We had a blast together. We had built a life together. We had all the same friends, cuddled every night, made so many amazing memories.. Well, one night we were together and he got a phone call saying his brother had been murdered. It was horrible.. but I was there for him 100%. I drove him 11 hours away to retrieve his brothers ashes. I got us the hotel room. I held him at night. This situation also traumatized me, but I was adamant on being there for him no matter what. Well, after all this.. he became verbally abusive, extremely hateful and mean, and it broke my heart.. Not only that, but his female room mate, I found her belt in our bed so I knew he was cheating. I moved out of our apartment back with my mom and we broke up for a year. During that year, my ex would call me and beg me to go on dates and hang out, but I would say no. He treated me like Sh*t after everything I did for him so I tried to move on. I had a different boyfriend for a while but I ended it with him because I still had feelings for my ex. My ex would still be calling me wanting to hang out, so I did. We got back together, and he ended up blowing me off, calling me names, being hateful yet again. I'd forgive him because I knew his brothers murder messed him up but he was scarring me. Eventually, his mental abuse, along with the constant feeling that he was cheating, it ended again. I still, to this day, love him with all my heart. I cry my eyes out over this man. I miss how things used to be. I keep taking him back, hoping for a change. So, recently I took him back yet again. Mind you, when we break up I don't contact him at all. He is the one who always comes back around saying things like "I miss you, I love you".. And so, here I am again completely heartbroken. I took him back, we had a blast together, everything was fine. All of a sudden, he stops calling. He tells me will hang out, then blows me off. After days of ignoring me, he calls and says "I don't want to be in a relationship, we should be friends." This boggles my brain, Ive tried so hard to get over him and to leave him alone. I give in to him because he wont leave ME alone, and then he plays these games. I know he's smoking a lot of pot and eating shrooms so it doesn't help. And deep down I know I dont want a guy like that.. Really, I'm writing because I feel so sad and lost. It's like I will never get over him. It's been over a year now and I still can't get rid of my yearning to be with him, and I feel like I can't date anyone else because I'm still not healed. It really sucks that I doubt I'll ever get over this guy. He has done horrible things to me. But the feeling of us being together and how close we used to be, is the best feeling I ever had. Its like a drug. I'm only 22.. but I wish I knew how to let this go.. I may have written a lot here, but there's actually a lot more to the story so I just covered the basics.. this guy has me effed up. Its like, he wants me when I don't want him. But when I finally give in, he throws me away. I want to be done with it, but it sucks cus if he wanted me, he could have me
Wrenne Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 people change as they go through life, and a traumatic event like the one your boyfriend went through is life-altering. he is not the same guy you knew and loved. you are in love with a past version of him that doesn't exist anymore, except in your memory. there isn't anything wrong with continuing to love him and wish him the best, but there is something wrong with staying involved in his life when he is hurting you. he clearly does not respect you or treat you the way you should be treated. and he is messed up with drugs. and he has broken up with you several times. and cheated on you. this is not the same man you fell in love with or became engaged to. you cannot get over him because you keep going back to him. if you institute no contact and stick with it, you will heal in time. you are very young and have a lot to look forward to in your life. but staying involved just prolongs the process. institute no contact and get on with your life. maybe at some time in the future, after he has cleaned up, he will truly realize how much he has hurt you and it will work out, but that time is not now.
Fufu Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I realised your story is pretty similar to mine... I'm 22 too and been with my EX near 3 years. No worries sweetie, we will get over them. Reason being: We will find someone who is truly commited to us.
coltsfan1 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 hun, your ex is broken right now!! it is NOT your fault, and to be honest its not all his fault either (im going to get blasted for that). He is lost right now, loosing his brother has effected him in a way he isn't mature or strong enough to handle. I am not saying he should have a free pass at all, just that right now the only one who can get through or fix him is himself. I say this having lost my bestfriend two days before my 23 birthday, I did the opposite of your BF. My bestfriend and I partied together and EVERYTHING that intails, boozing, drugs, girls, parties etc. When he dead I had a coming to Jesus moment, I sat in the church I grew up in looking at a 22 year old boy in a casket watching his mother cry her eyes out for her only son!! your ex has tried to fill the void left by his brother with, anger, drugs, girls, etc. you have to LEAVE HIM ALONE!!! this is a time when he has to figure it out for himself. you might lose him forever and that suck, but don't crash and burn with him!! I hope my story of what i went through can help!!
Fufu Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 coltsfan1: You made a very good point. My ex is broken too, and it's true that contacting him, pinning hopes on him really made things worst for him and also for myself. Leave it to fate and time will tell
SeriousBob12 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Love him or not, no one deserves abuse and games like that. It might be hard, but you're guilty of bringing it on yourself by always taking him back. He has to get his issues sorted out, and he has no right to bring you along for the ride. Honestly, after the cheating, the abuse, the games, would you want to be with someone like that? You're 22, there are plenty of future bf's/partners out there that will treat you like a lady and with respect, WHICH YOU DESERVE. Losing a loved one is hard, no doubt about it, but give me a break it doesn't give you the right to treat people who care about you like crap. If anything, in his time of need he should be respecting those who are reaching out to him. Personally I think he's learned that he can take you for granted. That's not right, and regardless of how strong your feelings are, you shouldn't be going back to him. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and for that I feel for you. Stay away from him, and work towards finding someone you deserve and will treat you right. As colt said, you're in love with someone that doesn't exist anymore. Harsh reality that stings, but you have to accept it. At this point, YOU have to take a stand and do what's best for you. A cheating, drugged up, abusive prick is not in your best interests my dear.
Author shexwalksxalone Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Thank you all for your comments. Serious Bob, I agree with you the most in the sense where he should have appreciated the fact I was there for him and I did everything I could to make things easier through his hard time. But whatever, I guess everything happens for a reason. I'm in love with the man he was before this happened and everyones comments made me aware of that. It is very painful and everyday its something I have to deal with, it feels like my soulmate is basically dead. But, I'm 22, I'm a model, I have no children, and a very good head on my shoulders. I'm currently very lonely romantically, but I have plenty of time to meet someone later on I guess. I'm focusing on being the best I can be. Thank you all again for the advice.
rakodako Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Wow. Verbal abuse is actually, in my opinion, more hurtful than physical abuse. Those words stay in your mind over and over and replay again and again. To the point where you yourself feel like those words are are the truth. This man is on some drug and messed up and he needs therapy as do you. As love addicts, we idealize people and rlationships. We feel the need to put aside the unfairness and abuse and hang on to what could be or what could have been. This is not healthy. You are missing the idea of what your relationship used to be and while there were good memories, its not getting any better. Abusers get worse over time unless they get help. Why not try therapy. Do you have insurance? Try changing your phone number or blocking his number. I know it is hard but verbal abuse can turn physical real soon especially if drugs are present. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and recently got out of it and am getting help. I think you need to stop expecting for him to return the kindness you gave him. This is what I am working on doing now. You are young and beautiful and why waste time on a guy who already has these issues. You are not even married. Can you imagine what will happen if you end up marrying this guy? He might lose all respect for you and treat you worse or graduate to harder drugs and trust me....been there done that,. take care sweetie.
Author shexwalksxalone Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Wow. Verbal abuse is actually, in my opinion, more hurtful than physical abuse. Those words stay in your mind over and over and replay again and again. To the point where you yourself feel like those words are are the truth. This man is on some drug and messed up and he needs therapy as do you. As love addicts, we idealize people and rlationships. We feel the need to put aside the unfairness and abuse and hang on to what could be or what could have been. This is not healthy. You are missing the idea of what your relationship used to be and while there were good memories, its not getting any better. Abusers get worse over time unless they get help. Why not try therapy. Do you have insurance? Try changing your phone number or blocking his number. I know it is hard but verbal abuse can turn physical real soon especially if drugs are present. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and recently got out of it and am getting help. I think you need to stop expecting for him to return the kindness you gave him. This is what I am working on doing now. You are young and beautiful and why waste time on a guy who already has these issues. You are not even married. Can you imagine what will happen if you end up marrying this guy? He might lose all respect for you and treat you worse or graduate to harder drugs and trust me....been there done that,. take care sweetie. everything you said really hit me.. you are right on.. much appreciated. I will be getting into therapy soon, if I don't I might hate men for the rest of my life.
Author shexwalksxalone Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 PS - I just changed my number
Lots0fLove Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Sweety you wrote that so lovely I felt like I was reading a story anyway I know how your feeling my ex boyfriend was a drug addict, pot head u name it he done it but I never did it along with him cause I was not easily influenced and I dont know if you shared those moments with him when he did those illegal things. Anyway I know how you feel many past relasionships has taken me so long to get over and even if I move on I was stuck but honestly I am learning to over come my depression my vournerablity to what I was once comfortable with. I feel when we know each other well in a relasionship we get comfortable and its like a sinful fruit that keeps sucking us in its that little devil dragging us in. You have to learn to disicpline yourself and say No I will not answer his calls the moment he enters your mind change the thought I learned we should only have a 3 day period to dwell on any situation but that is hard when the situation keeps appearing. So if you have to change ur number etc than do so and explain to him you don't want him cause you dont you think you do but you dont your just comfortable with his ways and your body is getting immune to the abuse and if you dont stop this now in the long run you will be one lost lost soul honestly I dont believe your lost now cause u realize the mistakes and the wrongs of the situations I just believe your empty,lonely and confused best advice I ever gave myself is to punish myself from things that I may love but that are not good for me so I hope this helps you recover you will do fine we all go threw the same road of heart ache just in many different ways. take care sweetness
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