I don't understand

[hrtbrknn]

Hi,

I'll try and keep it brief. I have been in an long distance relationship for 2 years. Things were going great and we spoke about marriage and she was coming to my part of the world this week for a families wedding. We had kind of thought about getting engaged then as her family would be here too. She had told me stuff about her past that raised a few red flags with me however as we loved each other i was willing to not go there but wanted to discuss stuff so we can make sure the future will be good and so i know where she is now.

 

Anyway, about 4 weeks ago she sent me an email saying that she 'can't pretend she will be ok without me and that she loves me etc and is willing to relocate to my end of the world etc'. I hestitated on my response as i still wanted to discuss stuff. Anyway after a few days i vented and said somethings i shouldn't have but it was pure frustration as i had waited so long and now she was giving my an ultimatum - she needed an answer within 4 weeks (when her family were gonna visit). I didn't hear anything back.

 

Then i tried calling last week and she had changed her number. I got through to her work and then she emailed saying that she wants nothing to do with me anymore and i shouldn't contact her. I admit i made her feel rotten unintentionally by this thing hovering over us. She said she will always be fearful of me, but i said i just want peace and love if we go ahead and get married and these issues are better off discussed before. I last spoke to her last tuesday. This has been going round in my head and i haven't spoken to anyone about it, i'd love to get some opinions? I am so confused and heartbroken...

Edited November 23, 2010 by hrtbrknn

[hrtbrknn]

I love to get a reply please.... just so confused at the moment..

[Graceful]

Hi,

Sorry you're hurting. It would help to know how old you and your GF are, b/c you sound young and I am wondering if she is mature enough to even be thinking about marriage.

 

Long distance relationships are very difficult. You cannot possibly think about getting engaged until you live near one another FIRST and see what it is like to have a regular relationship. If she was pressuring you into an engagement by telling you she wanted to move, you have EVERY RIGHT to have been concerned. There is no way you should get engaged under pressure or that she should just decide to move near you without a serious discussion beforehand. This is why she sounds immature to me.

 

Two years is a long time, but it sounds like you just don't know each other very well because it's been long distance the entire time. If she is not willing to have a calm, serious talk with you and give you a chance, you may have to look at this as a blessing b/c this is not the right person for you or someone you would want to marry. Whatever you do, do not lose your cool. Calmy ask her if she will still come to see you and tell her you need to sit down and talk. Under NO circumstances should you promise this woman an engagement. If that's what she wants, then let her go and find someone you can get to know and be sure of before marriage. Good luck, hang in there.

[hrtbrknn]

Thank you for your reply, we're not so young, she is 32 and i'm 38. This whole thing is so confusing, thank you for you for confirming that a talk is not a bad thing. I admit i asked her several questions before and probably made her feel like cr$p but i think before taking a step like marriage surely communication is what is vital? I haven't spoken to anybody about this and this is a relief to be able to. Her stance was that if we discuss her past or present then she will get upset. I can understand that and have said i just want to know where she is now and will be in the future as that could affect our kids etc. The thing is she has changed phone numbers and changed her email address and said she doesn't check the one i have now so there's no getting through to her. Is that fair? I would have thought she'd have calmed down enough and then contacted me but nothing. Its so weird....isn't it? Or am i wrong?

[Graceful]

Hi Hrtbrknn,

 

Ok, thanks for letting me know your ages. With that, I have to say, she still sounds very immature for her age. I am a little confused as to what actually transpired after she said she wanted to move to be with you.

 

Did you hesitate and then ask her some questions that offended her? I copied and pasted what confused me below:

 

"Her stance was that if we discuss her past or present then she will get upset. I can understand that and have said i just want to know where she is now and will be in the future as that could affect our kids etc."

 

What happened in her past that she refuses to discuss? Is she unstable or was she formerly engaged? Look, you are talking about marriage here, not going to the prom, if she can't talk openly with you, and confront her demons to get them out of the way, they will be in the way in her life, no matter who she is with, I guarantee you of that.

 

So can you give a few more details? All I can say without them, is that you would have to ask a friend to talk to her and see if she will contact you if you get the message through to her via a friend.

 

It sounds like you hit a VERY raw nerve with her. It's as though she just wanted to move, get engaged, problem solved. It's as though she is hiding something or hiding FROM something that makes her feel very insecure about herself and she is trying to foist that insecurity on you. But she owns it, not you.

 

I can't emphasize this enough, I know you are in a lot of PAIN and you must be feeling out of control the way she cut you off, but you have to stay calm and tell yourself that this woman really is not the right person for you to marry. All she had to say was, hey, you have hurt me by what you said and did by doubting me, can we talk about this ... but instead she bailed, deliberately putting the blame on you to hurt you. I feel she is trying to make you doubt yourself and turn the tables on you, if you get what I mean. Not that she's really trying to be that strategic, but she is taking NO responsibility, do you see that?

 

If that happened to me, I would not cut someone out of my life, if he was someone I wanted to marry, I'd be more than willing to hear him out and get all the issues on the table. I mean, who just runs, and cuts someone off the minute she hears something she doesn't want to hear? Do you see what I mean? Has this happened before? Have you found yourself apologizing even when you had nothing to apologize for?

 

Just looking for any problem patterns you may have experienced. Just trying to help and get you to examine the whole communication pattern.

[hrtbrknn]

Hi Grace and thanks. Well after her email saying she wanted to move over and be with me, i wanted to clear up a few issues about her. The issues might seem a bit trivial but they were confusing. She had a number of relationships that she knew had no future, now if she had a liberal upbringing i could understand, but she comes from a very religious family and she herself is religious, isn't that confusing? It made me wonder who she was as a person and was there something that shes hiding. It was two extremes, on the one hand she was very religious and then she had a number of relationships that she knew had no future because her family wants her to marry someone from the same religion as her. I could understand her having relationships, but she had a few and each one had zero chance of a future and she didn't want a future either. So i just wanted to ask her why she made the same mistake over again. Am i wrong? If so then please say? I just wanted some communication and this could have been resolved in one phone call. However she said that she got hurt when i asked her last time and didn't want to go through it again. She claimed to love me and wanted to be with me and now not contact at all? I'm just so confused.

[sfranks1492]

I don't think that you were wrong in wanting to understand her; however, you have to understand how a woman thinks and interprets things. It sounds like your verbiage and the WAY you went about getting the info you needed was not the most appropriate way to do it. First of all, an intimate conversation like that really shouldn't happen via email or text, etc. It should be verbal. And you could have better eased into your questions by appearing more understanding. For example you could have said, "in the past we talked about your relationships and some challenges you've had in moving forward. What do you think those challenges were and do you feel you might experience those challenges with me." Then you could have followed up with, "I believe in the sanctity of marriage and want to be in a committed and happy marriage and just believe that we both need to be on the same page in order to make the decision to move forward." Obviously there were be much more content to the conversation but it gives you an idea of what a woman would prefer to hear and she would likely interpret this more as a caring gesture and question versus what it appeared to be which is more defensive and questioning her about how she reacts in a relationship. It's all about interpretation...and it's hard to understand what a person truly means in written communication.

[Graceful]

So i just wanted to ask her why she made the same mistake over again. Am i wrong? If so then please say? I just wanted some communication and this could have been resolved in one phone call. However she said that she got hurt when i asked her last time and didn't want to go through it again. She claimed to love me and wanted to be with me and now not contact at all? I'm just so confused.

Dear Heart,

It sounds like you have had that convo before, and she felt she answered your questions, but apparently not to your satisfaction, nor did it allay your concern about her flighty behavior in the past. I really have to wonder if you think she is not really in love with you the way she needs to be to marry you? I don't know.

 

Do you feel you are "settling" to stay with her? You did hit a raw nerve with her, she may not even understand what she was doing in the past. Sounds like she has been under pressure from her parents to toe the line religiously but that is not what she really wanted to do.

 

I just have to continue to question if the two of you are right for each other. I am sorry, I've only read a few paragraphs, but you both seem to have insecurities about your r/l, and not only that, but I do not like the idea she just "announced" she was moving to be with you, as though it was a unilateral decision. And her religious leanings may be what are finally propelling her to have an engagement because she does not want to move and put herself on the line without a marriage on the horizon.

 

I can't say I blame her for that. But she seems to have gone about it all wrong. When were you planning to finally live in the same city so you could spend time together? I don't know what will happen, but this is not someone you want to make any promises to, I humbly have to say, you may not have handled things perfectly, but if you felt right about her, your issues about her past dead end relationships would be resolved by now. For whatever reason, you have lingering feelings about them that are making you ill at ease. She seems to have self esteem issues, and the idea that you are doubting her probably made her her feel very angry, but there has to be more to it on your part, unless you can admit that her past relationships just don't sit well with you, either b/c she was promiscuous, or b/c she appeared to be using men she didn't really want, perhaps to avoid being alone? I just can't shake the idea she seems immature, and if you feel likewise, this is why you are not convinced she is right for you. Do you find her superficial? Do you think the pressure her parents have put on her religion-wise have stunted her maturity, as though they hold on too tightly? Is that what ultimately drives her behavior? Can you envision a life with someone who is that into religion anyhow? Is that ok with you? Was that giving you second thoughts?