I feel so shaken up

[Star Gazer]

Also, in the off chance that you might return, I'll ask you this rhetorical question... What happened to this girl? Any chance you can find her again?

 

For me personality all the way. I have dumped/turned down extremly hot guys that were dumb and shallow. My longest realtionship was with a guy who was slightly overweight, shorter than me, almost balding but he had a fantastic personality. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1214759&postcount=44

[northern_sky]

Well, since that was apparently your last post on LS for a long time, I don't know whether you'll read this. But I'll give it a shot anyway. Perhaps if it doesn't help you, it'll help someone else.

 

 

 

You acknowledged he wasn't LTR potential, and yet you also said you were falling in love with him. Why allow yourself, your mind, your heart, to go there with someone you know is 100% not what you want? Why waste your time? What have you got to gain from that?

 

You want a LTR. Who can blame you? I certainly don't. But if you waste time with a guy who's not relationship material, the guy who is relationship material will pass you by. I hate to bring age into this, but as Eeyore said, you aren't getting any younger. You don't have time to waste on guys who aren't what you want, guys who take your attention from other potentials, guys who make you feel bad about yourself and therefore cause you to spend more time in pain and not "out there" finding the right guy. At the first sign of not being relationship material, they ought to be tossed out.

 

 

 

Given the traits you're dealing with (drug use!), it's actually a lot easier to find out whether someone's relationship material before you can ascertain whether or not they really want YOU for that relationship long-term. Ascertaining interest is easy: they make it known. You don't need to analyze it. Instead, spend your time analyzing their CHARACTER, not how long they take to respond to your texts and the like.

 

 

 

Agreed, actually. Narcissism involves a love of oneself, which you do not seem to have. Your behavior, however, sometimes comes across as narcissistic and self-involved, particularly when you apply standards to others that you refuse to meet yourself.

 

 

 

As you know, I spend a little time last night reading some of your older threads under SACWA. One of the things I learned is that you haven't taken a 2 year break from looking for a relationship. You have spent your entire life looking for a relationship. You may have avoided dating other men for 2 years while you pined for your married boss, but you did not take a break from your pursuit of a relationship. THAT, I think, is what people mean when they say you ought to take a break and work on yourself. Take your pursuit of a relationship out of the picture. Get centered with yourself. Kam suggested yoga. That might help. Or running. Or painting. Or adopting a dog. Or...working harder at work, to beat the gal you find so competitive. You get the idea.

 

As for working on yourself in a vacuum, who's to say it requires a vacuum? You don't have to hermitize yourself, but you do need to do some serious work on yourself before you'll be capable of being in a happy, healthy relationship. You're engaging the very definition of insanity, doing and BEING the same person and expecting different results. You can't just throw your arms in the air and say, "This is who I am, I've always been this way, take it or leave it!", particularly when your behavior, choices, thought processes are so destructive. It's quite obvious you need some serious change. "The common denominator" is YOU, OG.

 

Think about it this way. You're a Ph.D., right? Did you give your dissertation before doing a lot of work (undergrad, masters, etc.) to build up your skills and qualify you for that role? Or did you just graduate high school and start standing up in front of a group to "practice how to do a dissertation"? The same thing applies here. In essence, you have to be qualified for what you're going after. You have to have the right skills. Relationship skills. Relationship material people seek other relationship material people. You have so many fantastic qualities, but there are some you're missing - emotional stability and an appropriate people filter is one of them.

 

 

 

What biases do you think people have against you? Did you harm them in some way? Perhaps they've been where you are, or experienced things you're going through, or thought the way you're thinking, and want to help. At worst, some folks might be annoyed with you, because they've responded to all your threads, watched you not take the very helpful advice given you, and watched you trip and fall over and over and over again and not learn anything from it. But it's clear that every person here is trying to help you, not lead you astray.

 

And you're not being compared to other LSers who may or may not reveal all of their lives here, so what they post has no impact on the advice you're given.

 

Also, there are a small handful of posters (yourself included) who weigh in AFTER a conclusion/update has been reached, only to claim that you "knew it all along" and "didn't want to say anything" because you like the person or didn't want to be negative. That's not intuition. Obviously it's really easy to be right all the time when you're giving your opinion about others only after all the true facts are revealed.

 

I actually agree with most of your post. The part I disagree with is that people on LS don't bring biases into their advice. Some posters clearly do. That doesn't mean OG has to dismiss all of a particular user's advice. She just needs to learn to filter out the parts that seem biased from the genuine wisdom if there is any (this is what I try to do). But I know how she feels. Sometimes the overly negative or hurtful responses -- like random people calling her narcissistic or crazy -- can just leave a bad taste in your mouth and make it tempting to ignore the more constructive criticism.

[TheBigQuestion]

I actually agree with most of your post. The part I disagree with is that people on LS don't bring biases into their advice. Some posters clearly do. That doesn't mean OG has to dismiss all of a particular user's advice. She just needs to learn to filter out the parts that seem biased from the genuine wisdom if there is any (this is what I try to do). But I know how she feels. Sometimes the overly negative or hurtful responses -- like random people calling her narcissistic or crazy -- can just leave a bad taste in your mouth and make it tempting to ignore the more constructive criticism.

 

The reason people have actually started being more harsh is because she is extremely bad at taking any suggestions or constructive criticism from anyone here. Sometimes she talks a good game, says she'll take someone's advice to heart, and then goes and does the exact opposite. This is clearly evident in the fact that she's been posting here for a LONG time and the vast majority of her dating issues have stayed just as bad or gotten worse instead of better. There's only so much support and advice one can give only to have it get ignored or shot down without eventually coming across as more "biased" or annoyed. Of course, because you've frequently said that you and OG are essentially "the same person," I don't expect you to agree with my viewpoint.

[Star Gazer]

I actually agree with most of your post. The part I disagree with is that people on LS don't bring biases into their advice. Some posters clearly do. That doesn't mean OG has to dismiss all of a particular user's advice. She just needs to learn to filter out the parts that seem biased from the genuine wisdom if there is any (this is what I try to do). But I know how she feels. Sometimes the overly negative or hurtful responses -- like random people calling her narcissistic or crazy -- can just leave a bad taste in your mouth and make it tempting to ignore the more constructive criticism.

 

I hear you. But if there were people who were calling me crazy (actually using the word) on the the one hand who I thought were biased, and yet there were also people I trusted and valued their opinions who were saying the same exact thing just using different words, I'd pay attention.

 

The deliveries may differ, but the underlying opinion and advice is the same.

 

It sounds totally stupid and cliched and all of that, but if she has the means to do it, I'm really tempted to suggest OG do a sort of "Eat, Pray, Love" method of finding herself, and learning to love herself.

[TheBigQuestion]

OG has a tendency to do something I used to do many years ago: Ask for advice, and then try to combat any advice that made me uncomfortable or required lots of effort by making all sorts of rationalizations. When that happens, the people from whom you are soliciting advice are eventually going to be less willing to be polite or gentle about it.

[Els]

I think taking a break from LS is a good idea. Spend some time trying to get in touch with your own inner voice and gut feeling. I think we plant more doubts in your head than what you need.

 

I also urge you to still put figuring compatibility out before putting too much emphasis on making sure a guy is "high interest". As long as a guy is making plans to see you, assume he's interested enough... to get to know you some more. That's all you need as you get to know someone and figure out if they're the right fit for you. With the right guy, the interest will likely gradually increase, until it really takes off.

 

I notice you say you don't want to waste any time. This means not wasting time with people who show you they are a mess right now. If you want a serious relationship, don't get involved in something you don't see working out long term. Punto. Know what you want and don't settle for less.

 

Good luck!

 

I think this is wonderfully insightful advice.

[harmfulsweetz]

Well, since that was apparently your last post on LS for a long time, I don't know whether you'll read this. But I'll give it a shot anyway. Perhaps if it doesn't help you, it'll help someone else.

 

 

 

You acknowledged he wasn't LTR potential, and yet you also said you were falling in love with him. Why allow yourself, your mind, your heart, to go there with someone you know is 100% not what you want? Why waste your time? What have you got to gain from that?

 

You want a LTR. Who can blame you? I certainly don't. But if you waste time with a guy who's not relationship material, the guy who is relationship material will pass you by. I hate to bring age into this, but as Eeyore said, you aren't getting any younger. You don't have time to waste on guys who aren't what you want, guys who take your attention from other potentials, guys who make you feel bad about yourself and therefore cause you to spend more time in pain and not "out there" finding the right guy. At the first sign of not being relationship material, they ought to be tossed out.

 

 

 

Given the traits you're dealing with (drug use!), it's actually a lot easier to find out whether someone's relationship material before you can ascertain whether or not they really want YOU for that relationship long-term. Ascertaining interest is easy: they make it known. You don't need to analyze it. Instead, spend your time analyzing their CHARACTER, not how long they take to respond to your texts and the like.

 

 

 

Agreed, actually. Narcissism involves a love of oneself, which you do not seem to have. Your behavior, however, sometimes comes across as narcissistic and self-involved, particularly when you apply standards to others that you refuse to meet yourself.

 

 

 

As you know, I spend a little time last night reading some of your older threads under SACWA. One of the things I learned is that you haven't taken a 2 year break from looking for a relationship. You have spent your entire life looking for a relationship. You may have avoided dating other men for 2 years while you pined for your married boss, but you did not take a break from your pursuit of a relationship. THAT, I think, is what people mean when they say you ought to take a break and work on yourself. Take your pursuit of a relationship out of the picture. Get centered with yourself. Kam suggested yoga. That might help. Or running. Or painting. Or adopting a dog. Or...working harder at work, to beat the gal you find so competitive. You get the idea.

 

As for working on yourself in a vacuum, who's to say it requires a vacuum? You don't have to hermitize yourself, but you do need to do some serious work on yourself before you'll be capable of being in a happy, healthy relationship. You're engaging the very definition of insanity, doing and BEING the same person and expecting different results. You can't just throw your arms in the air and say, "This is who I am, I've always been this way, take it or leave it!", particularly when your behavior, choices, thought processes are so destructive. It's quite obvious you need some serious change. "The common denominator" is YOU, OG.

 

Think about it this way. You're a Ph.D., right? Did you give your dissertation before doing a lot of work (undergrad, masters, etc.) to build up your skills and qualify you for that role? Or did you just graduate high school and start standing up in front of a group to "practice how to do a dissertation"? The same thing applies here. In essence, you have to be qualified for what you're going after. You have to have the right skills. Relationship skills. Relationship material people seek other relationship material people. You have so many fantastic qualities, but there are some you're missing - emotional stability and an appropriate people filter is one of them.

 

 

 

What biases do you think people have against you? Did you harm them in some way? Perhaps they've been where you are, or experienced things you're going through, or thought the way you're thinking, and want to help. At worst, some folks might be annoyed with you, because they've responded to all your threads, watched you not take the very helpful advice given you, and watched you trip and fall over and over and over again and not learn anything from it. But it's clear that every person here is trying to help you, not lead you astray.

 

And you're not being compared to other LSers who may or may not reveal all of their lives here, so what they post has no impact on the advice you're given.

 

Also, there are a small handful of posters (yourself included) who weigh in AFTER a conclusion/update has been reached, only to claim that you "knew it all along" and "didn't want to say anything" because you like the person or didn't want to be negative. That's not intuition. Obviously it's really easy to be right all the time when you're giving your opinion about others only after all the true facts are revealed.

 

 

+1. That's really good advice.

 

I think, OG, a break from here and from dating altogether will best serve you at this point. Right now, from what I've read (I've often lurked on your threads and not responded because I didn't think I had much to offer to the advice already given) you seem very desperate (and I hate using that word) for a relationship, but if you, as you mentioned, are so anxious to date and have an LTR it projects out of your attitude. That isn't helping. You need to be in a place whereby you don't need an LTR, need a man, but want one, are completely ready for one. I was watching something the other day and it struck me as really good advice-(and it's frequently used) the minute you stop needing a relationship, is the minute you end up in the right one because you don't need the person. You are good being alone, and the other person is a lovely bonus to your life.

 

Agreed with SG on the eat, pray, love venture suggestion. You can work on yourself without being in some vacuum, and learn more about yourself. Find a focus/hobby that you love and take the time for you, without placing so much focus on dating.

[Ariadne]

this is going ot be my last LS post in a long time...Good bye.

 

(I bet she is going to come back the same day)

[Citizen Erased]

(I bet she is going to come back the same day)

 

Considering she posted that yesterday, you're incorrect.