I feel so shaken up

[OceanGirl]

It doesn't matter why you want to bail. Just the fact that you even considered bailing reflects on your character. It tells people, when faced with adversity, you will run. That is the way you are coming off here.

 

Is that who you want to be?

 

 

Honestly, I don't care any more who I am and who I want to be.

 

I am on my way to closing my heart so completely that it will never be opened again.

[Kamille]

Honestly, I don't care any more who I am and who I want to be.

 

I am on my way to closing my heart so completely that it will never be opened again.

 

 

 

OG, you've been on two dates with this guy. Can you see how your reaction is over-dramatic right now?

[Star Gazer]

OG, you've been on two dates with this guy. Can you see how your reaction is over-dramatic right now?

 

"Over-dramatic is who I am. I will not change."

[dispatch3d]

I e-mailed my boss this morning and told him that I am considering pulling out of the talk and the conference (without explaining why).

 

His response:

 

[sIZE=2][COLOR=navy]I strongly suggest you stick with the talk. I think provided you can fill into something for each of the results tables just using X gene that it will be more than enough, and we can conduct endless rehearsals of the presentation itself - I am free all next week. I don’t expect to be free until around 2.00pm today but just call me after that and we will talk it out. The final decision rests with you of course, and I don't know your reasons but if you decided to pull out you’d have to call Conference and see what the options are, which you can do later today after we discuss.[/COLOR][/sIZE]

 

Sounds like he genuinely wants to help you with the talk. He likely has his own problems and the reasons he hadn't previously responded to your emails may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

Settle down, watch a movie, your worked up over nothing....

[OceanGirl]

OG, you've been on two dates with this guy. Can you see how your reaction is over-dramatic right now?

 

Except, it's not just 2 dates with this guy. It's the accumulation of all the c$ap that I have been through with men over the recent years.

[Star Gazer]

Sounds like he genuinely wants to help you with the talk. He likely has his own problems and the reasons he hadn't previously responded to your emails may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

In other words, his world doesn't revolve around those emails.

 

If only OG could see how much I have to NAG people (ever so politely, which I am not good with ) to respond to my emails... it's the must infuriating thing. Maddening, really. But I know it's got nothing to do with me (and if it does, who cares?).

 

OG, you said you're tempted to pick up your passport and go. I'm honestly starting to think that might not be such a bad idea for you. Perhaps seeing the world that way will ground you a bit.

[Star Gazer]

Except, it's not just 2 dates with this guy. It's the accumulation of all the c$ap that I have been through with men over the recent years.

 

What's the common denominator with all of them?

 

Try, as hard as it might be, to take each guy as just each guy. Don't hold him accountable for the guys that came before him (or those you're assuming will come after him). Let each guy's respective straws break your back with regards to him and only him, but not all men on the whole, not love on the whole, not dating on the whole.

 

BTW... what/when was your longest relationship? Was that a happy one?

[Kamille]

Except, it's not just 2 dates with this guy. It's the accumulation of all the c$ap that I have been through with men over the recent years.

 

Then stop putting up with crap. No more. That means if a guy gives you crap, like this one did, you won't let it affect you. Crap is their problem, not yours. You'll only allow great people in your life from now on. You will take the time to get to know people, and allow people to get to know you, before you get emotionally invested.

 

And take a break. If dating is affecting your desire to work, it's time to take a break from it.

[BobSacamento]

Honestly, I don't care any more who I am and who I want to be.

 

I am on my way to closing my heart so completely that it will never be opened again.

 

Come on, don't fool yourself. The reason you are here is because you care. You have these negative feelings and you are channeling them here.

[DollWelch]

There is a certain amount of pain and turmoil that a person can take before they can't take it anymore.

I agree.

 

I feel for you. If I were in your shoes, I'd have gone Berserk.

 

Well not Berserk -but I'd have questioned things and gone into dramatic-withdrawal mode.

[Surrealist]

Honestly, I don't care any more who I am and who I want to be.

 

I am on my way to closing my heart so completely that it will never be opened again.

 

 

Come here Ocean Girl, let me give you a hug.

[OceanGirl]

Come here Ocean Girl, let me give you a hug.

 

Aww you are a sweetie.

 

Seriously guys, maybe I am too sensitive but you have no idea how happy and excited I was about the future. On my lunch break, I went to buy beer that he likes and micro-wave popcorn that we said we are making. I was so looking forward to it. I thought it's finally my turn to be happy. But it never is. I am so disturbed, I can't stop crying.

[Star Gazer]

Aww you are a sweetie.

 

Seriously guys, maybe I am too sensitive but you have no idea how happy and excited I was about the future. On my lunch break, I went to buy beer that he likes and micro-wave popcorn that we said we are making. I was so looking forward to it. I thought it's finally my turn to be happy. But it never is. I am so disturbed, I can't stop crying.

 

Hun, it was only 2 dates. You're emotional because you've been drinking and it's only making you feel worse.

 

You simply can't invest like this after 2 dates. I'm not a fan of walls, but you need to at least build a picket fence, ya know?

[Star Gazer]

OG... Give how "shaken up" you are after just two dates, to the point of now getting drunk at home and calling your MM boss, I became really curious about your relationship history, particularly with your MM. Truth be told, I didn't follow your story back when you first joined LS, I've only seen/paid attention to what you've said about that over the past couple months. I wanted to understand your background and experience a bit better, so I perused some of your threads under SACWA. I saw a lot of the same patterns and thought processes, particularly when it comes to external validation (which may stem from your mother?). But I also saw you acknowledge that pattern, which is a good thing.

 

In any event, in just opening a handful of threads during this process, I came across a particular type of inconsistency over the years that really just jumped out at me - your stated age. It seems you've gotten younger and/or stopped aging as the years have passed.

 

In July 2006, you were "late 30's."

Then in December 2006, you got younger: 30.

January 2007, younger again: 29.

January 2010 (3 years later): still 29.

February 2010, aged 2 years in 1 month: 31.

June 2010: 30.

July 2010: 31.

 

You're a Ph.D. in math, so I don't think you're forgetting your "number."

 

I haven't done it myself, but I understand women often fib about their age as they get older... I guess because of an insecurity about what it means to be an older woman, particularly an older single woman. It appears that's what's happening here, like you want to "pause in time." (Don't blame you, I often joke that I'm 29 with 3 years of experience. )

 

Are you freaking out because you're older than, well, you want to be? You've posted many times about being afraid of being a spinster... is that why your stated biological age is all over the place?

 

I'm 32 (and admittedly not exactly thrilled about it), but still happy to be where I am. I'm hoping you can find the confidence to feel great single, no matter what your biological age.

[OceanGirl]

Star,

 

Originally I lied about my age to hide my identity. I gave up on that a long time ago. The truth is, I am 31 and am turning 32 in a month. For me, that is still old enough to worry about being a spinster. I have probably had that worry since I was in my late 20's.

 

Shadow has seen my online dating profile and can confirm that I am 31.

 

Ariadne too. I am not fibbing about my age anymore - and it was never with intention to appear younger.

[Star Gazer]

Okay. Was just checking.

[OceanGirl]

Oh and my whole relationship with MM boss was pretty much all in my head. It was very similar to what spookie experienced. I feel like I was delusional about his attraction towards me for about 4 years. Then I suddenly woke up and got over it.

 

BTW I am now sobering up and haven't even puked. Must be my Eastern-European genes

 

P.S. I only called him tonight because I was supposed to call him about my talk. We did talk about other things too and he invited me to dinner with some other co-workers tomorrow night. I have a feeling that he views me as a mess and feels sorry for me on some level + gets an ego boost about my past crush on him.

Edited November 24, 2010 by OceanGirl

[Eeyore79]

I was so looking forward to it. I thought it's finally my turn to be happy. But it never is. I am so disturbed, I can't stop crying.

 

I think this is the real problem. I'm pretty much the same age as you, and when a guy dumps me I find it difficult to accept that he was just an idiot and move on. What gets me is this feeling that "I thought it was finally my turn, but it never is". It's a general depression about not having a loving relationship, not a feeling of loss over one specific man, especially if the man in question was obviously a loser.

 

My age doesn't help. When I was younger, I felt less stressed about it all because I felt hopeful that I'd eventually meet someone; now I feel stressed that every rejection just takes me closer to the point of being too old to marry and have a family. The fact that it's "never my turn" is becoming increasingly worrying. If a guy is a jerk, I don't want him back; I just feel bad because yet again I haven't met the right man.

 

Acknowledging the fact that it's a feeling about my own age and singledom rather than a feeling about a particular man actually helps. It makes me realise that this is my own feeling (which I can deal with and control) not a feeling caused by a man (which is outside my control). I just need to relax and be less attached to the idea of meeting someone and having things work out for me.

[OceanGirl]

I think this is the real problem. I'm pretty much the same age as you, and when a guy dumps me I find it difficult to accept that he was just an idiot and move on. What gets me is this feeling that "I thought it was finally my turn, but it never is". It's a general depression about not having a loving relationship, not a feeling of loss over one specific man, especially if the man in question was obviously a loser.

 

My age doesn't help. When I was younger, I felt less stressed about it all because I felt hopeful that I'd eventually meet someone; now I feel stressed that every rejection just takes me closer to the point of being too old to marry and have a family. The fact that it's "never my turn" is becoming increasingly worrying. If a guy is a jerk, I don't want him back; I just feel bad because yet again I haven't met the right man.

 

Acknowledging the fact that it's a feeling about my own age and singledom rather than a feeling about a particular man actually helps. It makes me realise that this is my own feeling (which I can deal with and control) not a feeling caused by a man (which is outside my control). I just need to relax and be less attached to the idea of meeting someone and having things work out for me.

 

Absolutely, you have hit the nail on the head! It is not this particular guy. Sure he was fun and I was attracted but I really didn't know him at all. It was the IDEA of having someone, the idea of finally settling in a loving relationship that I so desparetly want. It is also the ever present fear of time running out. I want to get married and have kids. Yet, each rejection is taking me a step further away from that.

 

It doesn't help that I am giving out increasingly desperate vibes (my mum even said this). I feel like I have to try to find someone right now or I will end up alone.

 

Since I have turned 30, I have been having nightmares of getting really old and never getting married. I literally woke up in cold sweat multiple times - and I have no control of time passing me by. It's devastating. I am watching my worst fear unfold.

Edited November 24, 2010 by OceanGirl

[Els]

With all due respect, I think that if I met the right person, I would be able to have a relationship.

 

If this guy didn't pull out the rug under me and actually kept all the dates we planned, we could have easily fallen into a relationship. My insecurities/ anxieties ease when I feel more secure that things are going somewhere.

 

One of the most damaging things that I have heard on LS is: You are too crazy for a relationship. I know that I am not. There are people around who have issues much worse than mine and are in LTRs or married. So coming back and parroting that I am not capable of having a relationship is ridiculous. This only serves to sabotage me and is not helpful one bit, nor is it true.

 

OG, I realize that you have not responded to many of the posts in this and your other thread. That's okay. I really do hope you've at least read them though, because most of us are really here with the intention of helping you.

 

I don't think you're 'too crazy for a relationship'. But I do agree there are some things you need to change before you can maintain a relatively happy one:

 

1) You aren't perfect, nobody is. But, from what I've read in your previous threads, you seem to be expecting perfection from your partner. Not only do you have a huge list of requirements for physical appearance, intelligence, etc... you also nitpick on every single thing a guy you're interested in does or doesn't do. You expect them to respond exactly the way you think they should, and if they deviate even the slightest bit from it you consider axing them. No mortal man will ever be able to do the right thing in your eyes all the time.

 

2) Regarding the guy you posted the other thread about - after reading all the details you disclosed to us later regarding his drug use and such, and him being in love with his ex, yes, he certainly isn't right for you. But that isn't the point. The point is that before you even found everything out, you were considering dropping him just because he declined a date because he had prior arrangements with friends. How exactly would it have benefited you to break things off then instead of now? Did the one more date you went on cost you that much more in terms of time, money, or emotional investment? No - I think you just fear rejection so much that if you feel there is even a slightest chance that the relationship will not work, you want to be the one to break it off and not him. Preemptive strike.

 

Now, think how these two points would serve you poorly in a LTR such as that which you hope to achieve. Imagine you've been together for three months and everything is going fine. One night, he does something undesirable in your eyes, such as refuses intimacy, is moody and distant, or chooses to go out with his friends over you. Do you wait and see, or would you preemptively end the relationship because you feel it is 'a sign'?

[OceanGirl]

Els,

 

To be honest, I would MUCH MUCH rather not have gone on that second date. The fact that this guy faked his affection to that extent disturbs me. Now I am going to nitpick even more. I really didn't see this coming, at least not the next day and after he made all those plans. I didn't think I would have a LTR with him but that things would go that bad that soon, really this is beyond my worst case scenario. It makes me even more pessimistic and cynical about dating.

 

As for your question, if I was with a guy for 3 months and he did something like that - I probably wouldn't drop him but I would be depressed over it and over-analyze his behavior.

 

If anything, I think that I am not being discerning enough. Next time some guy pulls a 48 hour response lag - it will be instantly over.

 

I don't see how giving someone the benefit of the doubt has ever umm benefited me.

[OceanGirl]

......................................

[Els]

Els,

 

To be honest, I would MUCH MUCH rather not have gone on that second date. The fact that this guy faked his affection to that extent disturbs me. Now I am going to nitpick even more. I really didn't see this coming, at least not the next day and after he made all those plans. I didn't think I would have a LTR with him but that things would go that bad that soon, really this is beyond my worst case scenario. It makes me even more pessimistic and cynical about dating.

 

As for your question, if I was with a guy for 3 months and he did something like that - I probably wouldn't drop him but I would be depressed over it and over-analyze his behavior.

 

If anything, I think that I am not being discerning enough. Next time some guy pulls a 48 hour response lag - it will be instantly over.

 

I don't see how giving someone the benefit of the doubt has ever umm benefited me.

 

To be honest, I think he was going through a personal dilemma, much like you. I think he had genuinely enjoyed himself and wanted a chance with you to the extent of blowing off his pals... but later realized that he wanted to give his ex a try. Humans are indecisive. Yes, it was wrong of him to start dating when he was so unsure... but I really doubt he had known it all along and was maliciously stringing you along.

 

When has not giving someone the benefit of the doubt benefited you? Has there ever been a man who managed to pass all your standards and rigorous tests for, say, 3 months (and that's just still honeymoon phase...)? If not, don't you think you're setting the bar a little too high?

[harmfulsweetz]

Els,

 

To be honest, I would MUCH MUCH rather not have gone on that second date. The fact that this guy faked his affection to that extent disturbs me. Now I am going to nitpick even more. I really didn't see this coming, at least not the next day and after he made all those plans. I didn't think I would have a LTR with him but that things would go that bad that soon, really this is beyond my worst case scenario. It makes me even more pessimistic and cynical about dating.

 

As for your question, if I was with a guy for 3 months and he did something like that - I probably wouldn't drop him but I would be depressed over it and over-analyze his behavior.

 

If anything, I think that I am not being discerning enough. Next time some guy pulls a 48 hour response lag - it will be instantly over.

 

I don't see how giving someone the benefit of the doubt has ever umm benefited me.

 

 

I think sometimes you ought to take things at facevalue-I agree that it was cruel of him to lead you on, but then maybe he genuinely tried to see a relationship with you, but couldn't move past his ex. At least you gave him the benefit of the doubt and found out without having to wonder what if? If you drop someone at the first *sign* (or little little hint) that he may not be LTR material, or interested, you're cutting off your nose to spite your face.

 

Chances are, he did like you, and it was nothing to do with you, but he was still caught up in his ex. I wouldn't read too much into anything after that.

 

All men aren't like this guy, or other guys you've dated, but you have to give yourself the chance to find that out. If you go on dates simply picking faults, you'll never find anyone because no one will be able to meet your standards and expectations if you keep raising the benchmark. If a guy cancels once and tries to rearrange, think 'life happens, we'll rearrange.' If he continues to be flaky, drop him. But rather than reading all sorts into things maybe it would be better to stop imagining the worst, and just go with it. Tread carefully, but not so carefully that you stop yourself enjoying it.

[Kamille]

 

If anything, I think that I am not being discerning enough. Next time some guy pulls a 48 hour response lag - it will be instantly over.

 

I agree you aren't discerning enough, but I think you have no idea what constitutes proper discernment. You're too focused on judging men's interest level, and not concerned enough about evaluating men's relationship potential. This last guy spent the weekend passed out on a mix of beer and LSD... Clearly, he's a bit of a mess right now and unlikely to be in a frame of mind to maintain a healthy relationship. Yet, you were willing to overlook all that because he made you feel good.

 

You are so anxious about meeting someone that it's causing you to filter out the wrong things. Anxiety notoriously makes us self-centered. I'm quoting my therapist here. When we're anxious, we tend to internalize and interpret events in self-centered ways. Your anxiety is making you focus on whether or not men are into you, at the expense of you figuring out what qualities a man needs to have in order to maintain a relationship. IMO, that is why it has yet to be your turn.

 

Relationship-minded people seek relationship-minded people: that is to say, people who are grounded, get to know someone before becoming too emotionally invested, show a capacity to handle conflict in productive ways, have their lives together. If a guy had told me he spent a weekend passed out on beer and LSD, I would have run the other way.

 

But you can't figure out IN TWO DATES whether or not a guy is worthy of a relationship, no matter how he makes you feel. I was crazy about bf from day one, which only meant I made extra effort to stay grounded: hitting the gym, making and keeping commitments with friends, letting him take the lead - Note: he only contacted me about twice a week at the beginning-. I reread the emails we exchanged the first month we were together and one thing stood out to me: I was clear and obvious about how much I liked him. I had figured, as someone else said on N_S's thread, that I didn't have time to waste with little boys who couldn't handle a woman being into them. Being into him, however, didn't mean jumping in with my eyes closed. It means, as I said, making the extra effort to make sure I didn't get too emotionally invested too fast.

 

One thing strikes me about this thread: you present yourself as if you have no control over: your work and the way men treat you. You do. You have control over yourself. If you don't want to give a guy a chance if he bails on you once, then do so. But more importantly, do everything in your power to gain control of your emotions: yoga helps with that. Realizing that insta-relationships are mostly a myth will also helps. It takes awhile for two people to get to know each other enough to figure out if they are compatible. For me, it usually takes 3-6 months. So stop thinking "my turn is finally here" within two dates. Don't allow yourself to think that until YOU've assessed whether or not a guy is 1) compatible 2) relationship material.

 

I don't see how giving someone the benefit of the doubt has ever umm benefited me.

 

Like Els, apart from this guy, I would be interested to know when you've given someone the benefit of the doubt.

 

Also, note: you posted yesterday that you realize now that something was wrong with someone being so forward so fast. I think that's the valuable lesson here. If someone shows a strong interest too fast, there's usually an underlying issue. The thing about interest is that it SHOULD build over time, as you and a guy get to know each other. That's precisely why the "He took six hours to answer my text" isn't a proper gage of potential. Pay less attention to "interest" and more to "compatibility" and "relationship-material". By doing this, you will stop making the process all about you and start paying attention to these men.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Kamille