I feel so shaken up

[OceanGirl]

I am not sure why I am starting the new thread.

 

I have been up most of the night. I am very disturbed by how a person can completely fake an interaction and their feelings like that. It has never happened to me before. It's not the rejection itself that bothers me the most. I feel like the root of all this is that I am ugly and fat. That if I wasn't, he wouldn't have treated me this way.

 

I have a weekend full of social engagements (starting form tomorrow actually). I am trying to think of a good excuse to cancel them all. I don't think that I can go and pretend to be all cheery and make polite small talk with people. I just can't do it. All those people have long term partners and I will feel even more how there is something wrong with me because I can't have that.

 

I am also supposed to travel and present at a conference in 2 weeks. The problem with that is that I have written a talk that my boss is supposed to look over and at least have a practice run with me. Well, my boss has been ignoring me completely to the point where he is not doing his job. He hasn't answered any of my e-mails about looking through the talk and setting up a time to do the practice run. I can't just stand up in front of 200 people and do the talk that noone has even checked. It's on a new material too.

 

I don't know if I am up to confronting my boss about it. I feel like the easiest thing to do is just to cancel my trip. Doing/not doing that talk is not going to have an effect on my career. It will actually look a lot worse if I do the talk badly than if I don't do it at all.

 

So yeah, I feel like firing a few e-mails right now and canceling all those things. I can't cope with any of it.

 

There is a certain amount of pain and turmoil that a person can take before they can't take it anymore.

 

I feel like taking my passport and getting on the first plane out of here.

[Star Gazer]

What makes you think his interactions were fake?

 

What makes you think he wasn't attracted to you, or didn't enjoy your company?

[Mme. Chaucer]

OG, I understand that your feelings were hurt and that this was a big disappointment.

 

Still, please consider taking this opportunity to JUST SAY NO to your own tendency to indulge in out of balance emotional reactions. Just do that. Tell yourself "feelings aren't facts." You are not fat or ugly now that he let you down any more than you were Marilyn Monroe when he was all over you. You are still YOU.

 

Please try to keep your own internal drama at bay.

[harmfulsweetz]

It's not you, it's definitely HIM. I think you should chalk this one up as a good two dates, and not concern yourself with his reasons, he isn't anyone to you now. I know it's hard not to internalize it, and wonder what if?-but it does no good, and won't change anything.

 

The best thing you can probably do is to confront your boss about the talk (is this the guy you've been in love with? I don't know, I assume so. ) and go about your work as normal.

 

About the social events, maybe cancel the one tomorrow night, (or you could go, and see if it cheers you up) and attend the rest. It'll do you good to have the distraction.

 

He has issues, you dodged a bullet, and it's entirely his loss, not yours.

[welikeincrowds]

Tell yourself "feelings aren't facts."

 

YES. Feelings are just chemicals in your brain, OG, and their purpose is to govern your behavior, as they do for any mammal. The difference is that you have free will, which is why you can feel things that you don't want to feel. As soon as you take responsibility for your emotions -- you may not know what causes them, but they are yours, and furthermore they are yours to act on -- you will be able to act in service of your own well-being. Then you will see how earnestly LS is trying to help you, and you will know which advice to take and which to avoid.

[musemaj11]

Oceangirl is trolling everyday and everyone just never saw it. LOL!

[Sarabina]

OG I don't want to sound mean but you really should listen to the advice people are giving you on here. If you don't want the advice, then don't ask for it.

 

I think you have some serious issues with mental and emotionally stabilty It's not normal or good to have such extreme emotional responses. One minute you say you love him and the next you say you can't handle your life anymore. Please just calm down, and think with your head not just your heart.

 

If it helps think of all the people who are suffering much worse than you are, maybe that will ease your suffering.

[Citizen Erased]

It was two dates and he's in love with his ex wife. You're not ugly or fat, in fact I think you're gorgeous.

 

I know you want a relationship. It'll happen, you're just trying to make more of of things cos you want it so much. Relax. 2 dates should not equal all dating life lost.

[Surrealist]

Ocean Girl

 

I'm saying this with all due respect and consideration.... If you were self-aware enough how you would feel if a date went wrong, why date at this critical time when you have such important social and career events on the horizon? If I knew a bad dating experience would send me off to the point that I would have trouble coping with forthcoming social and / or career engagements, I would certainly hold off on the dating, just for the meantime.

 

Okay now it is done so maybe it is too late, but give yourself some time between now and any important engagements you have to feel better about yourself and not get caught up in the dating highs and lows that are not doing you any favours currently.

[northern_sky]

Sweetie, this too shall pass. I know it feels awful now, but I'm sure you'll bounce right back. Don't let this guy's craziness infect the rest of your life. That's the worst thing you could do!

 

Remember, this has ZERO to do with you, and everything to do with him. The dude's tapped. That said I suspect he did feel a strong attraction to you. I think he recognized that you were very attractive and had a lot to offer, so he was trying to convince himself he felt something which he wasn't emotionally ready to feel, either cause he's nuts or hung up on his ex or some combo of the two. I don't think he was trying to con you. I think he was trying to con himself. And yes, he was a total dick about it.

 

I know how hard it is to take another disappointment when you put your feelings on the line.

 

Today during my long commute, I was thinking about how I really need to adopt a more optimistic philosophy on life. I think you could benefit from the same change. Here are my thoughts, and yes, they reiterate much of the advice we've been given.

 

One is letting go of the need to predict the future or the behavior of other people. We're both very analytical and also fascinated by human nature. We like to predict how people are going to behave or treat us based on patterns. And honestly, I think we're both pretty good at it. It gives us a sense of control. But I think this prediction making is ultimately toxic. For one thing, we can never predict with certainty, so will feel gypped when we're wrong. Also, it gives us a mentality that is hung up on the future and past rather than living in the moment. We barely pay attention to the moment aside from collecting evidence in order to predict the future. It is all about projected value. Like if he's treating me like this now, what does this say about how he'll treat me tomorrow (good or bad) and how will it affect our happiness (good or bad)? Also, what does how he's treating me now say about me as a person (good or bad)?

 

By pretending we can predict the future, we raise the stakes of every given moment.

 

Let's say somebody is treating us in a way that we perceive as bad. We see a dark road ahead for us. Likewise, if somebody treats us in a way that seems good we pave golden roads ahead into a bright future. In both cases we have invested way too much importance and emotion in the moment by hinging our happiness and future on it.

 

Instead, if we just accept that the future is unpredictable, and take it as it comes, every moment will seem less critical.

[OceanGirl]

Oceangirl, to be totally honest, even if you did meet a great guy, with no issues, I dont think you could make it last anyways.

 

I think you have personal things you need to work out, regardless of the dating.

 

More than a few people have said the same thing to you on other threads.

 

Do you only take the advice on here that you like to hear?

 

With all due respect, I think that if I met the right person, I would be able to have a relationship.

 

If this guy didn't pull out the rug under me and actually kept all the dates we planned, we could have easily fallen into a relationship. My insecurities/ anxieties ease when I feel more secure that things are going somewhere.

 

One of the most damaging things that I have heard on LS is: You are too crazy for a relationship. I know that I am not. There are people around who have issues much worse than mine and are in LTRs or married. So coming back and parroting that I am not capable of having a relationship is ridiculous. This only serves to sabotage me and is not helpful one bit, nor is it true.

[dispatch3d]

Figuring out dating is tough. You're just going through the throes of it. No big deal. Every time you date you get closer and closer to a relationship. I think with this last guy you were really the closest yet, and you put your expectations way too high. Once your head is in the right spot things will fit into place nicely.

 

There's no need to "confront" your boss. I would just go knock on his door and ask him about the presentation and why he is ignoring you so much. That is a problem that you should have a frank talk with the guy about.

 

Don't do that right now though. Just wait a couple days you're stressed.

 

Don't cancel everything you have this week, but cancel the next couple days and just relax.

 

Also read some buddhism it helps .

[Kamille]

1) Why would you just to the conclusion this guy lied? Sure, what he did was unfair. Hell, the same thing happened to me years ago and that's how I ended up on LS. That guy and I still talk: he wasn't over his ex, he and I clicked, he was thrilled about it but then realized he wasn't over his ex. I never even once thought he was lying or faking his emotions. I understood he was in an emotionally confusing space - and that I had not control over it. I could have been Cindy Crawford and that guy would have still left me to figure out why he couldn't get over his ex.

 

2) Your presentation is in two weeks. There is no reason to panic because your boss hasn't given you feedback yet. If you can, send him an email tomorrow telling him you would like feedback by Friday, with a potential run-through on Wednesday. Suggest dates. Give deadlines. Take control.

 

3) You are allowing anxiety to take over your thought process and indulging in obsessive thoughts. As Mme Chaucer pointed out, you have power over this. Feelings are not fact.

[sweetjasmine]

One of the most damaging things that I have heard on LS is: You are too crazy for a relationship. I know that I am not. There are people around who have issues much worse than mine and are in LTRs or married. So coming back and parroting that I am not capable of having a relationship is ridiculous. This only serves to sabotage me and is not helpful one bit, nor is it true.

 

OG, you're not too crazy for a relationship. But your need for external validation is making it difficult for you to get what you want. You can't rely on other people to make you feel secure -- that has to come from you.

 

Yes, there are people who have issues worse than yours and are in LTRs or married. But what you're missing is that they're not in healthy, happy relationships. If you'd rather have a dysfunctional relationship than be alone with your life put together, then your priorities are out of whack, IMO.

[Star Gazer]

There are people around who have issues much worse than mine and are in LTRs or married.

 

True. But those people are (1) not in HEALTHY relationships, (2) not HAPPY in their relationship, and/or (3) causing their partners a lot of pain/grief.

 

Most people here believe that you're not presently capable of being in a happy, emotionally balanced/healthy relationship. This is due largely to the fact that you are not presently happy with yourself or emotionally balanced/healthy yourself. This does not mean your doomed. But right now, it doesn't seem like dating is a good idea for you.

 

You draw to you what you are/think about yourself, OG. This is why a positive change to your mindset would do you a world of good.

[Star Gazer]

OG, you're not too crazy for a relationship. But your need for external validation is making it difficult for you to get what you want. You can't rely on other people to make you feel secure -- that has to come from you.

 

Yes, there are people who have issues worse than yours and are in LTRs or married. But what you're missing is that they're not in healthy, happy relationships. If you'd rather have a dysfunctional relationship than be alone with your life put together, then your priorities are out of whack, IMO.

 

We were posting at the same time. My thoughts exactly.

[Star Gazer]

This does not mean you're doomed.

 

Darn typo.

[OceanGirl]

I e-mailed my boss this morning and told him that I am considering pulling out of the talk and the conference (without explaining why).

 

His response:

 

[sIZE=2][COLOR=navy]I strongly suggest you stick with the talk. I think provided you can fill into something for each of the results tables just using X gene that it will be more than enough, and we can conduct endless rehearsals of the presentation itself - I am free all next week. I don’t expect to be free until around 2.00pm today but just call me after that and we will talk it out. The final decision rests with you of course, and I don't know your reasons but if you decided to pull out you’d have to call Conference and see what the options are, which you can do later today after we discuss.[/COLOR][/sIZE]

[NoLongerSad]

Ocean Girl,

 

believe it or not, this manipulative "poor-little-me-I'm-just-a-girl" stuff only goes so far in the dating world; and, when applied to one's employment, is a good way to get onesself terminated, if you keep it up long enough.

 

It is absolutely unbelievable that you would actually think of bailing on an important work presentation just because you had a bad date (if that's what it was).

[OceanGirl]

Ocean Girl,

 

believe it or not, this manipulative "poor-little-me-I'm-just-a-girl" stuff only goes so far in the dating world; and, when applied to one's employment, is a good way to get onesself terminated, if you keep it up long enough.

 

It is absolutely unbelievable that you would actually think of bailing on an important work presentation just because you had a bad date (if that's what it was).

 

 

Of course, noone will know WHY I want to bail. I am not that stupid.

 

And it's not just that. As I said, I don't want to present if my boss is not going to take the time to go through the presentation with me. You have no idea how many times I have contacted him already trying to set up the time. The only time that he has actually responded is when I said that I want to pull out.

[Star Gazer]

I suspect he did feel a strong attraction to you. I think he recognized that you were very attractive and had a lot to offer, so he was trying to convince himself he felt something which he wasn't emotionally ready to feel, either cause he's nuts or hung up on his ex or some combo of the two. I don't think he was trying to con you. I think he was trying to con himself.

 

Today during my long commute, I was thinking about how I really need to adopt a more optimistic philosophy on life. I think you could benefit from the same change. Here are my thoughts, and yes, they reiterate much of the advice we've been given.

 

One is letting go of the need to predict the future or the behavior of other people. We're both very analytical and also fascinated by human nature. We like to predict how people are going to behave or treat us based on patterns. And honestly, I think we're both pretty good at it. It gives us a sense of control. But I think this prediction making is ultimately toxic. For one thing, we can never predict with certainty, so will feel gypped when we're wrong. Also, it gives us a mentality that is hung up on the future and past rather than living in the moment. We barely pay attention to the moment aside from collecting evidence in order to predict the future. It is all about projected value. Like if he's treating me like this now, what does this say about how he'll treat me tomorrow (good or bad) and how will it affect our happiness (good or bad)? Also, what does how he's treating me now say about me as a person (good or bad)?

 

By pretending we can predict the future, we raise the stakes of every given moment.

 

Let's say somebody is treating us in a way that we perceive as bad. We see a dark road ahead for us. Likewise, if somebody treats us in a way that seems good we pave golden roads ahead into a bright future. In both cases we have invested way too much importance and emotion in the moment by hinging our happiness and future on it.

 

Instead, if we just accept that the future is unpredictable, and take it as it comes, every moment will seem less critical.

 

Listen to your BFF here, OG.

[Star Gazer]

Of course, noone will know WHY I want to bail. I am not that stupid.

 

Sigh. That's not the point.

 

The point is that you'd even let a bad date affect your work at all (whether they know it or not) is NOT GOOD.

[BobSacamento]

Of course, noone will know WHY I want to bail. I am not that stupid.

 

And it's not just that. As I said, I don't want to present if my boss is not going to take the time to go through the presentation with me. You have no idea how many times I have contacted him already trying to set up the time. The only time that he has actually responded is when I said that I want to pull out.

 

It doesn't matter why you want to bail. Just the fact that you even considered bailing reflects on your character. It tells people, when faced with adversity, you will run. That is the way you are coming off here.

 

Is that who you want to be?

[xpaperxcutx]

Of course, noone will know WHY I want to bail. I am not that stupid.

 

And it's not just that. As I said, I don't want to present if my boss is not going to take the time to go through the presentation with me. You have no idea how many times I have contacted him already trying to set up the time. The only time that he has actually responded is when I said that I want to pull out.

 

And i imagine your current awkwardness with the Boss is because of your past crush. Really, when you're in the office, you're supposed to act professionally. In a working environment, no one cares about feelings, everything revolves around profits. So if your boss is being a jackass, you hound him with about work. It doesn't make you needy, it's your job.

[Kamille]

You have no idea how many times I have contacted him already trying to set up the time.

 

Just out of curiosity, how often did you contact him and how did you ask for the meeting? And why couldn't you do the presentation without going through it with him?