D-Jam Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Meh...I'm not a fan of lying on profiles and such to get a girl. I've jokingly mentioned in the past that guys should lie about their height and income just to see how many doors it might open up...but in the end if she's mostly looking for physical beauty and income, then she's not an "ideal girl". If women on dating sites are going to adhere strictly to height and/or income requirements...then they can wonder later why all the guys they meet lie to them and/or just want sex...or why they can't seem to find Mr. Ideal.
Titania22 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I think I agree... though I'm not 100% sure how to read that last sentence. Yeah I am not to sure about the last sentence either
skydiveaddict Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Besides, if you lie about your job and get into a relationship with someone, the truth will come out.
sweetjasmine Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I don't think it's anybodies business if you don't want to tell them what you do or how much you earn or how many assets you have. None of those things have anything to do with who you are as a person. Just because we live in a society that pushes full disclosure doesn't mean it is always a good thing. I agree, but there's a difference to me between being vague or keeping something to yourself in the early stages of dating and straight-up lying about it. I don't really care that it's hiding a positive. Lying like that suggests trust issues to me, and that is a big deal. If I'm at the point where I'm spending the night at a partner's house, his deliberately lying to me is going to be an issue. And when and how do you tell someone what you really do once you think you've figured out that they're not a gold-digger? "By the way, dear, I'm not X, I'm Y. I didn't tell you because I was worried you might be a money-grubbing skank like most women." Very hot. Rawr. edit: And it's kind of funny to see people's widely varying opinions on this when just about everyone agrees that lying about your height and weight on a dating site is worthy of an immediate end to the date. Aren't we supposed to be understanding about why someone might make up a little white lie about that kind of thing just to weed out certain types of people?
Author jimbo Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 The relationship held tight for several months. Then she had some issues that caused tension between us. Personal issues. While I tried to stay pat, it became harder and harder to where she was very distant. At one point, one week before I moved for a break, we were making out and she said, she was really not up for it tonight, but let's take care of you. I withdrew and went to sleep. I do not like being treated like a piece of meat. It takes two to tango, and when one is not up for it, no problem. But, don't give me pity and take care of me. There is also reason why I had been cautious of money. She, basically had none. She was going through bankruptcy, which happened in the middle of the relationship, and it put a lot of stress on her finances. While, she would not let me help, which I offered, I knew money would be an issue with her. Especially when she's living paycheck to paycheck on 46k, plus another 1200 a month from child support from the ex husband. Speaking of the ex husband, this one was the second one, and the child was from the first marriage. Some how, she got him to legally adopt her and he's now stuck with child support for the next 10 years. And she had told me several times, without the child support, she would not make it. So, two people (a child and mother), cannot manage to get by on 60k a year. As we can see, money was never her strong suit. And trust me, when we all went out, she was spending it like it was going out of style. Of course, when it was just the two of us, I covered the 90% of all the going out expenses. Again, since I am all around finance in my life, I take a keen eye on how someone handles their money. It was a strong concern for me, but I did (and sadly do) care for her very much. Though, even if she would say to me, let's hang out again, I would decline since she started doing that other guy so fast after us. They are not dating, it's just sex. Mutual friends of ours have told me she's not doing anything serious right now, just casual.
Titania22 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I agree, but there's a difference to me between being vague or keeping something to yourself in the early stages of dating and straight-up lying about it. I don't really care that it's hiding a positive. Lying like that suggests trust issues to me, and that is a big deal. If I'm at the point where I'm spending the night at a partner's house, his deliberately lying to me is going to be an issue. And when and how do you tell someone what you really do once you think you've figured out that they're not a gold-digger? "By the way, dear, I'm not X, I'm Y. I didn't tell you because I was worried you might be a money-grubbing skank like most women." Very hot. Rawr. I know what you mean and I don't have the answers yet. For me I am doing the lying thing now to try it out, but it is not exectly what I intended. I lied about my age on the dating site because I wanted to attract guys around 20 for nothing serious. Now I have a guy who is 25 and probably wouldn't have a problem with my real age, but he didn't call me out on my lie on the first date and it didn't accur to me to come clean (kind of excited to see if i could get away with it), the big problem lies in that I have kids and there was no way to mention that with the age I had said I was, and he never asked if I had kids, because we didn't talk about any stuff like past relationships jobs etc. (So all I can really console myself with is that I am only looking for short term and he knows it, so all that stuff shouldn't matter anyway) Lying is just plain weird to me. When does omission become 'something you should have mentioned'? Sorry for thread jacking.
Titania22 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 There is also reason why I had been cautious of money. She sounds like trouble. I think you were very right to be cautious.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Women, if your guy said a white lie, would you break up with him or not talk to him again? Let's say, he lied about his occupation. His reasoning was for the woman to like him for him, not for what he earns. How can a woman like you for you when you are lying about who you are?
CLS63AMG Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 EVERY girl lies on her profile. She describes the woman she wants to be, not the person she is. This is the case 99% of the time. Ive been around, I know their game and can go on any dating site with even sub-par pics of myself, or even no pics at all and get a date every night. They ALL lie....ive seen it all...
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Women, if your guy said a white lie, would you break up with him or not talk to him again? Let's say, he lied about his occupation. His reasoning was for the woman to like him for him, not for what he earns. That depends. If you lie because you don't want a woman to like you soley because you are a high earner, that is understandable. I would still tread lightly of course, and make sure that it was only a one time lie. On the other hand, if you tell me you are a lawyer and you are flipping burgers, that is different. I mean, in that case the lie is a bit different. I would wonder what else you make up about yourself to sound better than you are. The first would be like browsing online profiles..and I obscure my image because I am very attractive and tired of people being attracted only to that. The second would be like browsing online profiles where I've used a thinner and more attractive person, because I want you to "like me for me".
CLS63AMG Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 BUT..blatantly lying about yourself as a man is wrong and shame on the OP for being a liar. If you didnt spend 100K on University but say you have a job that insinuates you did you are a loser. Sorry.
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 The relationship held tight for several months. Then she had some issues that caused tension between us. Personal issues. While I tried to stay pat, it became harder and harder to where she was very distant. At one point, one week before I moved for a break, we were making out and she said, she was really not up for it tonight, but let's take care of you. I withdrew and went to sleep. I do not like being treated like a piece of meat. It takes two to tango, and when one is not up for it, no problem. But, don't give me pity and take care of me. There is also reason why I had been cautious of money. She, basically had none. She was going through bankruptcy, which happened in the middle of the relationship, and it put a lot of stress on her finances. While, she would not let me help, which I offered, I knew money would be an issue with her. Especially when she's living paycheck to paycheck on 46k, plus another 1200 a month from child support from the ex husband. Speaking of the ex husband, this one was the second one, and the child was from the first marriage. Some how, she got him to legally adopt her and he's now stuck with child support for the next 10 years. And she had told me several times, without the child support, she would not make it. So, two people (a child and mother), cannot manage to get by on 60k a year. As we can see, money was never her strong suit. And trust me, when we all went out, she was spending it like it was going out of style. Of course, when it was just the two of us, I covered the 90% of all the going out expenses. Again, since I am all around finance in my life, I take a keen eye on how someone handles their money. It was a strong concern for me, but I did (and sadly do) care for her very much. Though, even if she would say to me, let's hang out again, I would decline since she started doing that other guy so fast after us. They are not dating, it's just sex. Mutual friends of ours have told me she's not doing anything serious right now, just casual. What caused her to be attractive to you? What are her positive qualities?
Author jimbo Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Hmm, tough one. She was my first real relationship. I've dated many others, but they've not turned into a relationship. Most just failed after a few dates. So, it probably wasn't a good jumping off point. I am a late bloomer in the dating world. Having little to no success with online dating and single mixers, I found it warming that a woman would find interest in me. So that was the first thing. Her interest in me. Second, was that she was really nice and kind in the beginning. Third, companionship was a plus. Someone, aside from myself, of course. Someone that had an interest in me was a plus too. She made me feel happy and I originally enjoyed being with her and her child. I enjoyed being around them both. It made me very happy. Cons. When she decided to file for bankruptcy due to the stress of all the bills and little money for her and her child, issues arose. Her personal issues caused her to go on different drugs and she be came manic at times then depressed (though she would not admit it), always down in the dumps. When I wanted to go somewhere interesting, she said she rather not or the child was there already. So I always tried to include both of them. Her not having much free play money was an issue for her. I had not problem covering her, but apparently she did. Approaching our six month anniversary, I gave her a necklace early to help cheer her up. She said she also got me something, but never gave it to me. That hurt. My arm was pulled of it it's socket, and I was carrying a water bottle with me, but she had a large purse. She always carried it before with no qualms. She took it out when I put it in, and said you bought it you carry it. She then decided to change our relationship from status quo to casual nothing serious. I did not like it, and I then said we need a break. It was clear she was under too much stress and cannot handle a real relationship. On the other hand, I did not enjoy just coming over for the weekends and having sex. Sex is great, but with her, there were issues. She has scar tissue in her clitoral area. Every few months, she needs to have it lasered out. I said no problem, I will support and go with you if you would like. She declined the offer. So, even after she got feeling back, sex was awkward, as her g-spot was not where it was supposed to be. The surgeons moved it or something. Also, she has no feeling in her clitoris. So that made things harder too. Said no problem, we'll work around that. Finally, she wanted to get sexual one night, but I fell a sleep. She lost it. Turned around and cried then went to sleep. She would not talk about it. Sorry, I was tired. I guess, it's okay for a woman to say no to sex, but when a man says no, there's apparently hell to pay. This is why I suggested a break. She said she was going to keep in contact with me, but after 2 or 3 months, not a peep... Apparently, after I left, about a month later, she starting doing another guy. It seems to be just sex, nothing more. So when I followed up with her, she continued to be cold and mean. I guess, after 2 failed marriages and countless failed relationships, she is no longer able to care for someone. Cause, believe it or not, I still care about her. But, again, would not get back together with her due to the fact that she started sleeping with someone after our break. If she was better and all good, she should had contacted me. But, I guess she just never really cared. She just wanted the sex. I am trying to deal with it now, but it is hard. Since it was my first long relationship, it is harder for me since I never had one before.
Art_Critic Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Jimbo.. I'm curious about something.. with all her struggles with money and you knowing how hard it was for her why did you keep it a secret to how much money you do have ? In other words.. It was clear she wasn't a gold digger then why didn't you help make her life easier ? Not that she would have let you or that it was your job but honestly I have been in the same type of situation before but I couldn't have looked myself in the mirror knowing that someone I love / friend was hurting and the money in the bank was just sitting there anyhow.. Sounds to me that she was looking for a partner in a relationship and realized that it wasn't in the cards for you both and just decided to cut ties.. Keep your chin up.. the right girl will come by and hopefully she won't have so much baggage and you won't have to make decisions that will affect your future ..
Author jimbo Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 I offered several times. She would not take it. I offered to make a budget for her, she said she wanted to do it, but every time I brought it up, she was too tired. It killed me to leave. I am not a guy that cries, but I was in tears when I left (she did not see). I stead fast to no contact (stupidly) and just waited for her to lick her wounds and get better. But, she never contacted me. She said she would, but never did. I know why now, as she was already back on her back with another guy like a month and a half later. At first, she was, like me, looking for a relationship. That was what I wanted to do. But when she said she was now just looking for nothing serious and causal, I said to myself what the hell am I here for? So I left. Adding that on top of everything else, that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I so wish she did not say that to me. You cannot begin to imagine how many times a day I question if I made the right decision. However, what's done is done. One would think, a moderately attractive guy with a good career, ambition and personality would have not problems getting a date or another relationship. Sadly, you'd be surprised. It's been a dry well since I've tried to start dating again. I do fear this is and was my last relationship. And for a 31 year old to only have one relationship in his life to only last six months is pretty pathetic. Again, anything outside of relationships, I am good at. Finance, autos, cooking, home repair, etc. I am all good. With women on a personal level, I always screw them up some how. Granted, it's usually me who gets fed up and leaves, but I really really tried with this one. I spend two months putting up with the moods, the coldness, not going anywhere without her kid every time, really short date nights, etc. Then, after I leave, she's out every Friday or Saturday night with her new friends she just made to the places that I suggested and wanted to take her to. I just do not get it.
Smoky Day Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Just surprised at her reaction and that she moved on so quick to sleep another guy all for this? Or, was it because I suggested the break and then wanted to come back to her later? Unlike her, I did not date anyone between the break and then when I tried to reconnect. If I was having a difficult time in my life and you broke up with me because of it saying you'd come back around when I was feeling better, instead of being supportive and helping me through it, I would try to pick up the pieces and move right on along too, without waiting for you to deign to come back by. And then if I found out you'd be lying to me about your profession the entire time we were together, I'd assume you were not only unsupportive, but had been playing me for some kind of fool all along, and I'd wonder if I could trust anything you had ever represented yourself as. It's one thing to be understanding when a man with whom you are in an otherwise healthy relationship reveals that he lied about his profession until he got to know you better...It's a completely different thing when the guy dumps you when you're down, and then you find out later he'd been lying to you about his life the whole time anyway. Pretty big, obvious difference, don't you think?
Author jimbo Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Let's put this in perspective here. She was down right cold to me, bitter to me, did not want to have a relationship and more, just a casual one. Didn't want to go on any trips or weekend getaways. Told me this is not serious and I can leave if I do not like it. So, its REALLY hard to be supportive when someone does seem to want you around.
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Hmm, tough one. She was my first real relationship. I've dated many others, but they've not turned into a relationship. Most just failed after a few dates. So, it probably wasn't a good jumping off point. I am a late bloomer in the dating world. Having little to no success with online dating and single mixers, I found it warming that a woman would find interest in me. So that was the first thing. Her interest in me. Second, was that she was really nice and kind in the beginning. Third, companionship was a plus. Someone, aside from myself, of course. Someone that had an interest in me was a plus too. She made me feel happy and I originally enjoyed being with her and her child. I enjoyed being around them both. It made me very happy. Cons. When she decided to file for bankruptcy due to the stress of all the bills and little money for her and her child, issues arose. Her personal issues caused her to go on different drugs and she be came manic at times then depressed (though she would not admit it), always down in the dumps. When I wanted to go somewhere interesting, she said she rather not or the child was there already. So I always tried to include both of them. Her not having much free play money was an issue for her. I had not problem covering her, but apparently she did. Approaching our six month anniversary, I gave her a necklace early to help cheer her up. She said she also got me something, but never gave it to me. That hurt. My arm was pulled of it it's socket, and I was carrying a water bottle with me, but she had a large purse. She always carried it before with no qualms. She took it out when I put it in, and said you bought it you carry it. She then decided to change our relationship from status quo to casual nothing serious. I did not like it, and I then said we need a break. It was clear she was under too much stress and cannot handle a real relationship. On the other hand, I did not enjoy just coming over for the weekends and having sex. Sex is great, but with her, there were issues. She has scar tissue in her clitoral area. Every few months, she needs to have it lasered out. I said no problem, I will support and go with you if you would like. She declined the offer. So, even after she got feeling back, sex was awkward, as her g-spot was not where it was supposed to be. The surgeons moved it or something. Also, she has no feeling in her clitoris. So that made things harder too. Said no problem, we'll work around that. Finally, she wanted to get sexual one night, but I fell a sleep. She lost it. Turned around and cried then went to sleep. She would not talk about it. Sorry, I was tired. I guess, it's okay for a woman to say no to sex, but when a man says no, there's apparently hell to pay. This is why I suggested a break. She said she was going to keep in contact with me, but after 2 or 3 months, not a peep... Apparently, after I left, about a month later, she starting doing another guy. It seems to be just sex, nothing more. So when I followed up with her, she continued to be cold and mean. I guess, after 2 failed marriages and countless failed relationships, she is no longer able to care for someone. Cause, believe it or not, I still care about her. But, again, would not get back together with her due to the fact that she started sleeping with someone after our break. If she was better and all good, she should had contacted me. But, I guess she just never really cared. She just wanted the sex. I am trying to deal with it now, but it is hard. Since it was my first long relationship, it is harder for me since I never had one before. As I understand it the "stress" was a result of her being completely irresponsible with money. Not so much that she did not have enough money to provide for her and her child, but that she had no grip on reality when it came to being fiscally responsible. That is not a criticism, just clarifying. As far as I can tell, she is not all that nice at all. I know this was your first "real relationship" so it is only normal for you to be so inexperienced. The thing is, everyone is nice in the first stages of a relationship, how long that period last depends. People put on fronts because in reality not everyone IS all that nice or genuine, and well life would be lonely for those people if they could not prey on the naive. I would not have come to the conclusion that she isn't very nice were it not for the shoulder thing. Everything else? I could chalk that up to us not having enough information, or catching her on a bad day. But the shoulder thing? That is pretty damn cold. I would not do that to a neighbor or a stranger, let alone my boyfriend. Good grief charlie brown! She sounds like a whole lot of negativity balled into one person. There are people who are genuinely kind, maybe not all the time but they are inherently caring people who will make you feel loved and not for your money.
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Let's put this in perspective here. She was down right cold to me, bitter to me, did not want to have a relationship and more, just a casual one. Didn't want to go on any trips or weekend getaways. Told me this is not serious and I can leave if I do not like it. So, its REALLY hard to be supportive when someone does seem to want you around. How long were you seeing eachother when she told you she didn't want anything but a casual relationship?
ascendotum Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I think what you did was perfectly understandable, and I would absolutely do the same if I had your career, except I would keep it as still working in investment banking but just said I do boring back office transaction stuff or something similar. She says she's a moron because you turn out to be better than you represented. I don’t really get why (as a guy) or why she can’t appreciate why you lied. I think maybe this "because I suggested the break and then wanted to come back" had more of an impact in the outcome. I know you feel disappointed how it turned out (trouble is keeping your friends and possessions from revealing the truth) but IMO you are much better off using this lie initially to filter out who don’t love you for you and those that love your wallet/lifestyle. I know others say what you did reeks of insecurity, but then is also asking for a pre-nup a little insecure which many people here advocate, doing background checks isn’t that a little insecure, and a number of women here advocate that, not calling/txting isn’t that a little insecure and many people here are into that. Checking the actual depth of water and for hidden rocks/logs before diving in, could be classed as being a little insecure, but screw it you live with the bad consequences if you get it wrong. I have friends (as I have myself at times for the hell of it) who have lied about their career when out in clubs/bars chatting up women, you would be surprised how different the reaction can be. Women here will say its crappy thing to do, but from the guys perspective, its annoying to see the contrast in enthusiasm from many women. It’s easy enough for a guy to verify the HEEEELLLO big smile effect that comes from saying’ I’m an investment banker' versus I'm a bank clerk effect when meeting women. Jimbo, I'm interested, what do your other mates in banking think about this? Do they fully support you on this...and is it typical practice? I can imagine for ONS they would all tell the truth when out in a bar, but when it came to girlfriends it could be different.
Author jimbo Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 How long were you seeing eachother when she told you she didn't want anything but a casual relationship? Approaching six months. Her attitude start to change around 4.5 months. Again, I tried my hardest to stay positive and stay there to support her. But it was so painfully hard. She would answer her door, instead of a hug and a kiss, she would just open it and walk away. She would never kiss me in front of her daughter (she's 15 or so), but I could stay with her (the mother) over the weekends? She did not tell her parents about me as a "boyfriend" until her mom heard me one morning getting up. She would not label us in a relationship on Facebook either. It was so negative that I started to not want to go over her house. Then, our Saturday nights the child and her friends came along. There was a night where it was me, her the child and her friend to go bowling. When we got there, 6 other girls met us for bowling. I felt like a father, not a boyfriend. It happened more and more. And, yes, maybe leaving was a bad thing, but again, I am not perfect. And I tried to rectify it and call her up to make peace. Start as friends and see where it goes. She would not hear of it.
Author jimbo Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Jimbo, I'm interested, what do your other mates in banking think about this? Do they fully support you on this...and is it typical practice? I can imagine for ONS they would all tell the truth when out in a bar, but when it came to girlfriends it could be different. The ones that are married don't play around. The couple of single guys don't get into relationships. They just pick them up at the high end bar, do the deed and next. They are young hot shots with money and extreme cockiness. I can do the same, but it's not me. Never had a ONS, had offers, but I am too concerned the STDs and bad rep. Sadly, it's not in me to do.
CLS63AMG Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Jimbo....you're doing it wrong. Say you are an investment banker, you will find a lonely and attractive "In the same place as you" lawyer chick or doctor. THEY ARE OUT THERE and want someone that got to the same / similar level they did. Do that and you'll see success..trust me.
Author jimbo Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Jimbo....you're doing it wrong. Say you are an investment banker, you will find a lonely and attractive "In the same place as you" lawyer chick or doctor. THEY ARE OUT THERE and want someone that got to the same / similar level they did. Do that and you'll see success..trust me. Very hard to do. Don't really hang out in bars and clubs. Not my thing. Plus, when the women are in a group, it's very intimating. Most of my dates are sadly from online dating's chemistry.com. Nothing else seems to work.
CLS63AMG Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Very hard to do. Don't really hang out in bars and clubs. Not my thing. Plus, when the women are in a group, it's very intimating. Most of my dates are sadly from online dating's chemistry.com. Nothing else seems to work. Dude, Im in the same boat as you..there are MANY Lawyer and Dr gals on plenty of fish...I have personally spoken to many of them. Enter your zip / postal code in the search and you'll see them. Dont degrade your career to meet issue riddled single mothers....hayzuz!! Get things on track at least.
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