VertexSquared Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Anyone have any experiences/tips/etc they want to share? I have always wondered how people can go from a honeymoon phase where they may not see each other everyday to a situation where they live together and may wind up losing passion for one another/wanting to kill each other. Please share!
Knittress Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 You can easily love more people than you can live with.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Living together does not mean you're attachced to the hips. If you spent every second of every minute together everyday, yea, you'll want to strangle each other. Get separate hobbies and do different activities and most importantly, learn to give each other space.
make me believe Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I think the key is finding somebody that you're truly compatible with in most areas of life. This includes things that seem trivial, such as cleanliness/tidiness, daily habits, etc. If you mesh well in those areas, and the emotional & sexual connections are there, you won't have a problem living together. Too many people ignore key areas of compatibility, IMO. If one person thinks they should spend all of their free time together, while the other needs time alone everyday, you're going to have a problem. If one person is a neatfreak and the other couldn't care less about cleaning, you'll also have a problem. Things like that are super important and are all too often not discussed or considered before choosing a partner, and then the couple doesn't know what to do when issues arise as a result. Personally, I've never found living with someone to kill my passion for them (and I lived with an ex for 3 years). I've been picky about relationships though, and so I've never chosen to be with someone who has the ability to drive me crazy & make me want to kill them because of their daily habits.
Enema Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I think the key is maintaining your individuality and your own life. Tends to fall apart when you spend too much time together.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I think the key is maintaining your individuality and your own life. Tends to fall apart when you spend too much time together. THIS. Before moving in together, have a very frank discussion about your expectations. Do either of you have weekly or regular activities that you want to keep doing, that are important to your happiness? Or annual things that come up that you want to keep doing? How many nights per week do you want to be able to be out with friends (without your partner)? Who's contributing how much to the finances? Combine everything, or keep things separate? Will you both be working, and how much? Do you both like to socialize, or is one of you a homebody? ASK these questions and get the answers. Hell, consider writing it down (not like a legal contract, but kind of as a "plan" for your life together). In the heat of arguments, people have a habit of denying that they ever said certain things or made certain concessions. The idea isn't to have it written down so you can be "right" later, but so that each person is thinking carefully about things rather than just saying "yes" to everything in order to accomplish the moving-in-together. Move in together because you REALLY REALLY WANT TO. Not for any other reason, like to demonstrate the depth of your commitment to the other person.
Crazy Magnet Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 MAID!! Especially if one of you is messy and the other is not. We have had several discussions about who does what chore and when we do it. I've resigned myself to being the cleaning police and he's resigned himself to the fate of feeding me and washing the dishes. We are well balanced though in how we like to spend our time and how much time we like to spend apart (really not much at all). Another key is learning to talk about frustrations before one of you blows up. This is not easily mastered in a cohabitation setting where it's harder to establish physical distance for a cooling off period. The BF and I wanted to kill each other off and on in Sept/Oct/first of Nov but we seem to have settled into our routines now. At that time, we had massive work/school/family stress thrown on top of us coupled with a non-stop travel schedule. It wasn't easy to say the least. I also signed us up for couples counseling to ease through the honeymoon phase to cohabitation phase transition. It's free for me, so why not? Expect growing pains. Do not expect perfection. Expect to squabble sometimes.
DontWorryBHappy Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I think it entirely depends on the individual couple. There are some couples who know nothing about each other's daily living habits, because they only see one another in the context of dates and stuff like that. So suddenly they move in together and notice tons of stuff they find "wrong".... On the other hand, it's likely to be very different if the couple is already spending the majority of their nights together and already have gone into the realm of sharing household responsibilities. For example, my relationship is kind of a unique case because my boyfriend and I both happened to live in the same apartment complex... literally steps away from each other. Because of that I spend every night at his place and pretty much live there already (I shower there, sleep there, eat there, everything). And we both help out with various things (I clean up his room when I notice it starting to get messy and he does the same, we both cook for each other, take out the trash, etc). So when it comes time for us to actually live together.... nothing will really change (except that both our names will be on the lease). For couples that spend less time together I can see this being thought of as a much bigger step and I'd expect to have a serious discussion about it.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 It takes a lot of compromise, understanding, patience, and organizing. The main subjects that couples who live together (married or unmarried) argue about are: a) money-come up with a plan that works for you. Discuss who will pay what, how you will split the bills, ect. I would NOT suggest a combined bank account if you are not at least engaged. b) cleaning-this is where planning on compromise come into play. If one person is messy (me) and one person is not (husband) then the messy one is going to have to make an effort to do more chores or else fights will continue. I suggest having a cleaning schedule and divide up what rooms each person will be responsible for. If it is a huge house, then consider the possibly of employing a housekeeper. c) spending time together vs. apart-This is a very important one. If you spend every waking free moment with each other then problems will arise. EVERYONE needs a little alone time. Just because you are living with a person, doesn't mean you have to stop doing things you enjoy. d) resolving disagreements-before my husband and I got married we would argue about how to resolve our arguments! It took us awhile to come up with an effective system. It was a lot of trial and error. As another poster pointed out, in the midst of an argument it is difficult to prevent it from escalating. Taking a brief "time out" (each person goes in a different room to cool off) helps to be able to calm down and come back and discuss the situation. One person leaving to go for a drive is NEVER a good idea. Stay and work it out. Bottom line: Living together is a LOT of trial and error. When my husband and I moved in together when we were just dating, it took us awhile to really work out our differences. Even compatible couples have to work things out.
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