Best terms in which to go NC?

[NG85]

My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago with a possibility of getting back together once we had our space. We stayed friendly with one another afterwards and got in touch with one another a few times a week. Then I found out she was seeing someone else and decided to initiate the No Contact Rule after we had a fight over it, since I believed the break was just temporary. We've had about 2 weeks of NC, even though she sometimes still comments on photos or updates I make on Facebook (I haven't reached out to her through any means).

 

I've heard there are 2 ways to go about NC:

1) If things are bad between you and your ex, just cut off contact so it shows you don't need them, even if you had been begging and pleading constantly

2) Apologize OR make peace with your ex, then go NC. It shows you're a strong person and don't need them to make you happy

 

Besides this one fight, we had been friendly, and from the beginning I basically agreed with the break up, only because I thought it would be temporary. The fight was just a way to get things off my chest, and I told her this, but she didn't seem amused. The day after that was the last time we spoke and it was pretty friendly, but I just decided to go NC right afterwards.

 

Did I do the right thing? Should I have made ammends before going NC? Or should I have gone NC after letting her know how I felt? I'm going NC for about a month, and if she doesn't contact me I'll get in touch and just try and show that I'm a stronger person and try and get on her good side (I do believe I can win her back, but it's going to be a long process).

[Ajax]

I went NC after telling my ex how I felt. I laid everything out on the table and told her that I wouldn't bother her but that when she was ready to talk she could give me a call. That was almost three months ago and I haven't heard a peep.

 

It felt better at the time thinking that I'd done everything I could and that she knew how I felt about her. But in the long run it didn't change anything. If anything I just showed how weak and hung up on her I was. If I had it to do over again I don't know what I'd do. I think my advice though is to just go NC. That way at least she'll be left wondering.

[whatadeer26]

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!!!

 

I know how hard it is because you have the feeling if she mad at me she won't come back. F her. She has no right to be mad at you. You did nothing wrong. She is spinning it to make herself feel better. Keep yourself busy and have fun with your life.

 

I spent months pining for my ex, but 1 day it hit me like a ton of brick. WTF and I doing. I don't need someone who doesn't respect me or want me for who I am.

[NG85]

Thanks for the help, guys. The thing that worries me is that I never told her I was going NC, I just talked to her one day, and then stopped with no explanation. I do feel that if she cares she'll reach out to me, but at the same time me not speaking to her is nothing compared to what she did to me and what it made me feel.

 

After a month or so, is it safe to break NC? I've been told this is alright as long as you give it time, and the ex should be more receptive to you.

[whatadeer26]

She will get the hint.

 

Why do you plan on breaking it? Second Chance?

[whatadeer26]

It is hard, but NC is for you to heal and get better. Don't set a time frame of when you want to break it. She may or may not contact you.

 

Trust me you will be ok in the end. Live you life and meet new people, date different women, and most of all have fun.

[NG85]

She will get the hint.

 

Why do you plan on breaking it? Second Chance?

 

Yeah, I'm aiming for a second chance. Not only were we bf/gf, but we were also best friends. We were inseparable and remained in contact so much that I'm sure it will come as a shock to her that we're not talking as much as we did. Even though she's with this new guy, me and her have years of history together that sort of made us who we are, and when we were talking we still brought up a lot of inside jokes and things like that and talked about things that made her happy. I seriously doubt that kind of connection is something she can instantly have with this guy.

Edited November 23, 2010 by NG85

[YellowShark]

Yeah, I'm aiming for a second chance.

 

Well the best thing to do now is get on with your life. Since you don't know how long she's gonna be "gone" there's no sense for you to be in suspended animation waiting to be unthawed. That would be a waste of your time. If your plan is no contact then disappear off the radar - (Facebook, msn, aim, email, cell...) - and focus 100% on you. Don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option.

 

If you pester her you'll come off as a creepy stalker and weak.

 

And always plan that she may never come back NG85. Who knows? You may meet some outrageous babe first. That would be a much beter future for you than sitting on the couch with a box of tissues for years waiting for her.

[wicar1]

Well the best thing to do now is get on with your life. Since you don't know how long she's gonna be "gone" there's no sense for you to be in suspended animation waiting to be unthawed. That would be a waste of your time. If your plan is no contact then disappear off the radar - (Facebook, msn, aim, email, cell...) - and focus 100% on you. Don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option.

 

If you pester her you'll come off as a creepy stalker and weak.

 

And always plan that she may never come back NG85. Who knows? You may meet some outrageous babe first. That would be a much beter future for you than sitting on the couch with a box of tissues for years waiting for her.

 

correct !!!

[Fufu]

If you use NC to win her back, you will feel worst emotionally. You will just automatically keep thinking about her and makes it even harder to go NC.

 

Go NC to move on regardless,

1. she comes back or

2. she does not come back

 

It's a win-win situation for us.

 

My favourite quote: " Leave it to fate, time will tell."

[Andymack]

I've got a similar dilemma. I'm not sure whether to just go NC without warning. I want to send my ex a letter to let her know about certain things in te relationship as she has the wrong impression of me and i wanted to clear that up before maybe never speaking to her again but not sure whether I should just leave it?

[Fufu]

Andymack: Seek NC immediately. I wrote a long long email to him about some misunderstandings between us. Ended up he told me, "Yes I understand where you are coming from, but because we have so many miscommunication and misunderstanding, my decision is right."

 

Right now, the dumper's mentality is to justify his/her decision is right, so he/she will think of all the negative aspects of the relationship.

 

Whereas, us the dumpees still hoping for salvage will think of all the positive aspects of the relationship.

 

The Alignment of thinking is not the same right now for both dumper and dumpee, thus sending the email or letter to explain things can only be backfired and provoked the dumper even more. Provoking them more = making us even more depressed.

 

I did all these, and it really backfired. Go NC If they miss us and want us back, they will take the action. We don't have to. We just sit back, relax and enjoy our life.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Fufu

[Andymack]

Thanks fufu, there's some good insight there. In my letter i was just going to put in my explanation of some stuff that happened between us and let her see my side of the story to make her understand why i acted in certain ways just to get it off my chest and was then gonna wish her well with her life. Do you think that's a bad idea as well then?

[Fufu]

Your most welcome Andy Just sharing my personal view.

 

I will not recommend to explain any situation. When dumpers make the decision to forgo the relationship, they have already replayed the scenario in their mind over and over again to make themself firm in the decision and thurs rejecting any kinds of explanations.

 

By explaning, you are telling her you are still "hoping" that you want to be with her again. The counter-intuitive move now is to drop everything off, the way she did it and disappear completely from her radar.

 

The last thing that the dumper will expect is to see a dumpee can be so relax and calm in a break up.

 

We, dumpee can also be as cool and steady as the dumper

 

Write the letter, read it numerous times then tear it off or put the letter inside a shredder machine.

 

For my case, I have done so much explanations but he still doesn't budge. Although, he kept saying he understands my feeling, the truth is he doesn't. Same for me, by keep on convincing him, explaning to him, he will feel I am not being understanding. Therefore, by respecting his decision to break up. He will feel I understand him. Besides, why are we devaluing ourselves by trying to win back our exes who doesn't really cherish the relationship.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Fufu

[NG85]

That's some great info, Fufu. I tried to explain my side during the fight, but she was having none of it. I asked if having one more chance was possible, but she said she'd probably still be rude to me and nothing would change - It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, she's telling herself things won't work out before she can even find out. This is why I felt like it was a mistake to go NC so soon, since we never really resolved the fight, and I'm afraid it makes me look bitter or jealous.

 

Going NC has been doing wonders, though. I still think about her all the time, almost like I'm having withdrawl symptoms, but I'm working on myself and trying to get over her. In the end, when we do get in touch, I hope to be in a spot where it doesn't really matter if we get back or not.

 

And since we're friends on Facebook, I've been using this to my advantage. I've been hinting that I've been going on dates, and outright saying I'm either really busy, or out having fun with friends. When possible, I post photos from nights out to show me having a good time.

 

The downside is that while I'm avoiding her status updates, sometimes I can see them on my newsfeed. It seems like this relationship is the genuine deal, he's going out of his way and doing all these things for her I could never do. But like I said, I'm using NC as a way to move on, so when it gets to the point that we do speak, I can go either way in terms of winning her back or moving on with my life.

 

EDIT: And if it gets to the point where I end up calling her, I'm going to play it cool. I'm going to ask how she's doing, congratulate her if things are going well, and let her know that I think the break up was for the best, and that I have no hard feelings. Maybe this will open up some kind of dialogue...But I'm also afraid that if I call her she may be mad at me, or never call back.

Edited November 24, 2010 by NG85

[dng]

NG85;

 

I have a question for you. Why do you even want her back?

 

You guys decided on a break to cool things down and to get back together on good terms and she decides to start seeing someone right away.

 

That's a major breach of trust on her side, can't you see that?

 

How is she going to view you if you take her back when she decides the grass isnt that greener on the other side? As a commodity she can store and use later?

 

It is not fair to you.

 

I had the exact same thing happen to me this summer but nothing was in good terms. She asked for a break, I hesitated but said yes, she moved out and took a bunch of things with her saying it would only be temp, ended up seeing someone shortly after leaving.

 

I was OK for the first few weeks, we were in contact and she was unhappy and saying it was a mistake she left and she wanted to come back but there was always a last minute thing to make her cancel it, and that's when I really started freaking out.

 

Now, the minute it started I sensed it because her whole behavior and outlook on our situation changed. She started doubting me and doubting everything we ever had.

 

We had been long term for 9 years and knew each other so well, had tons of complicity, inside jokes, ways of doing things together...

 

The fact she was able to start something with someone so soon told me alot about the state of her feelings for me, and even as this was going on she kept on stringing me along.

 

In the end, she told me about it about a month after it ended because she said she wanted to get back together with me. I want to point out here that I don't really believe it ever ended, nor do I believe she didnt know him when she left.

 

I went nuts for almost two weeks and finally sent her a short email, something like "Its over. There's nothing to talk about, everything has been discussed, leave me alone".

 

That was 3 weeks ago I can't even describe with words the effect this had on her. She completely lost it. Started sending me long emails, calling me all the time, texting me. As of last night this is still going on. I've blocked her from FB, her emails are straight to trash...

 

I do not want her back, not after all this. Not after that guy met her family, her (our!) friends, she met his family... I don't know what she was thinking when she did all of this.

 

And what hurts me the most is that her and I, we were family to each other, we were that close...

[Nkognito]

 

And since we're friends on Facebook, I've been using this to my advantage. I've been hinting that I've been going on dates, and outright saying I'm either really busy, or out having fun with friends. When possible, I post photos from nights out to show me having a good time.

 

Using Facebook to "hint" that you're dating is decietful and not the right way to heal, in fact you're setting yourself up for a harder fall. You need to remove her from your friends. If you do not then you are not in "No Contact" at all, you are just being evasive and spying which to dumpers is creepy like stalking.

 

I had my Ex on facebook, but the moment she dumped me, I dropped her from it and only went to her profile once to see her picture. I have not looked at it in weeks. I dont want to know whats going on in her life, I dont want to know who she is throwing her legs up for or bending over in front of.

 

My friend, you are not practicing what everyone else in here is preeching and you're only postponing more heart break.

[Fufu]

NG85: My ex also said the same, "It's not going to be the same anymore, problems will still start coming and recurring." The truth is, seeking NC immediately is the best.

 

The quarrels between me and my ex were resolved. While, I believed it was resolved and will never happen again, he doesn't believe so. I didn't went NC immediately, try to explain and convince him and things really gotten worst. I just seek NC recently because I am truly emotionally exhausted to convince him anymore and he told me I never give him any space and break and that I don't understand him at all. (Because of this, maybe, he sees that I'm no longer "the one" for him)

 

Perhaps you feel better showing her you are going well with your life, but the truth is, are you really feeling this way in your heart?

 

I think the most important thing now is to win yourself back and not her or anyone else.