HalfAlive22 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 hello, I'm new to this site. My husband and I have been married for 19 years, we got married at 18, so the odds were already against us, so you'd think. My husband almost left in sept 2008 for OW. Our marriage has not been the best it could be, we have 4 kids 3 who are teens and the other is 10. We've been emotionally and physcially abusive to eachother over the years, but have always manngaged to stay together, after 10 years we finally started growing up and our marriage was a lot better, but still had it's bumps. We do love eachother very much, we've always had a great sex life, and we always made time for eachother alone, when we are together we have so much fun and enjoy eachother a lot. This is why I was shocked to find out he not only had one affair with this OW, but multiple ones. I had no idea. he told me everything he did in the past 5 years, he said he needed to to make it right between us..so here we are 2 years later still together. I'm getting stronger everyday, and as I do I try to figure out why I'm here! Why am I settleing for this. I guess I just feel if he cheated this bad, that the grass would'nt be greener anywhere else, not that I need a man, but if someday I met someone, who's to say he would'nt cheat too..I may as well make it work with someone I love, and is the father of my children right? I guess I'd just like to know are there still those loyal men out there? the real men, the real women, who can just be with one person and it is enought? any thoughts? am I just living in a dream world?
PegNosePete Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 You should not sell yourself short, and not settle for being treated like dirt. If you let him get away with it then he will do it again and again. If he knows that his actions have no consequences and that you will always take him back no matter what, then why would he stop? Yes there are real, honest men out there .o/
Author HalfAlive22 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 I know it works like that for children, but adults too? your probably right, so there is no way someone can change? He's gone on meds, gone to therapy, but I don't know if it's enough. I wish I knew what the chances of him changeing are? Maybe I need to change myself, maybe thats the real answer!
Snowflower Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 hello, I'm new to this site. My husband and I have been married for 19 years, we got married at 18, so the odds were already against us, so you'd think. My husband almost left in sept 2008 for OW. First of all, welcome to LS! I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in your OP. I married rather young, have teenagers, and yes, Sept. 2008 was sucky for me too! My husband had an affair around that time. This is why I was shocked to find out he not only had one affair with this OW, but multiple ones. I had no idea. he told me everything he did in the past 5 years, he said he needed to to make it right between us..so here we are 2 years later still together. I'm getting stronger everyday, and as I do I try to figure out why I'm here! Have you and your husband ever been to counseling, either as a couple or individually? A good counselor can help you each individually and as a couple figure out "where to go from here." Why am I settleing for this. I guess I just feel if he cheated this bad, that the grass would'nt be greener anywhere else, not that I need a man, but if someday I met someone, who's to say he would'nt cheat too..I may as well make it work with someone I love, and is the father of my children right? I guess I'd just like to know are there still those loyal men out there? the real men, the real women, who can just be with one person and it is enought? any thoughts? am I just living in a dream world? What you write here is completely normal for some who has been betrayed. And these are questions that you will have to answer for yourself. Only you can decide what is best for you. It's a path of healing that is as individual as the person. I know this probably isn't a lot of help but there are no quick and easy answers. No one else can tell you what the "right" or best thing to do is. Make sense? As for the loyal, real men out there...yes, I think they are out there. Unfortunately though, you can never know for sure. Sure, you could meet the perfect man who says all the right things and promises you undying fidelity. But, didn't your husband pledge this to you when you married him? There are simply no guarantees in life. And that is one thing that I learned from my husband's affair and other events in my life over the past few years. And, I had to introspect and learn to make peace with this uncertainty. For you, it is a journey of self-reflection and figuring out what is REAL for you and what is not. I think it all boils down to: What do you want to do with your marriage? If you don't know right now, that is okay. It can take months or years for a betrayed spouse (BS) to truly know what is the right path to take. Some spouses will know immediately but for many of us it takes a long time to know for sure.
PegNosePete Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 It is possible for people to change. But if you're feeling like you're "settling" then he's obviously not making you feel secure, and you don't really believe that he has changed. For me there would be absolutely no way I'd stay with someone if they had multiple affairs! Seriously, that is straight to divorce court, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I think there is just one thing about yourself you need to change: your husband!!
Author HalfAlive22 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 First of all, welcome to LS! I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in your OP. I married rather young, have teenagers, and yes, Sept. 2008 was sucky for me too! My husband had an affair around that time. Have you and your husband ever been to counseling, either as a couple or individually? A good counselor can help you each individually and as a couple figure out "where to go from here." What you write here is completely normal for some who has been betrayed. And these are questions that you will have to answer for yourself. Only you can decide what is best for you. It's a path of healing that is as individual as the person. I know this probably isn't a lot of help but there are no quick and easy answers. No one else can tell you what the "right" or best thing to do is. Make sense? As for the loyal, real men out there...yes, I think they are out there. Unfortunately though, you can never know for sure. Sure, you could meet the perfect man who says all the right things and promises you undying fidelity. But, didn't your husband pledge this to you when you married him? There are simply no guarantees in life. And that is one thing that I learned from my husband's affair and other events in my life over the past few years. And, I had to introspect and learn to make peace with this uncertainty. For you, it is a journey of self-reflection and figuring out what is REAL for you and what is not. I think it all boils down to: What do you want to do with your marriage? If you don't know right now, that is okay. It can take months or years for a betrayed spouse (BS) to truly know what is the right path to take. Some spouses will know immediately but for many of us it takes a long time to know for sure. Am I to asweome you are still with your husband too. We did go to thereapy for about 2 years, we just stopped. It seems like I'd feel good for a while but then go there and everything go dragged out again, so we are takeing a break from it for a while..it's like the negative thoughts breed negative feelings ya know anyway..thanks for the response..btw did your husband have more than one affair,, just curious?
goingstrong Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I wish I knew what the chances of him changeing are? Maybe I need to change myself, maybe thats the real answer! That is exactly it..you cannot change someone, you can only change how you react to that person, which may/may not give the person a reason to change themselves.
NoLongerSad Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 All the cowboys have gone to Brokeback Mountain.
Darth Vader Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Halfalive22, how did your husband find out about your short affair? Did you tell him or did he find out? I ask this because you posted it in another thread posting.
Author HalfAlive22 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Halfalive22, how did your husband find out about your short affair? Did you tell him or did he find out? I ask this because you posted it in another thread posting. He found out because I told him. He went away yet again on another band gig, that whole week before we barely spoke and I told him I needed to think about things, that I was not happy, and was never going to get over what he's done..was the other guy in the wings? yes. My marriage was over for me. He knew when I did'nt return his call all weekend something was up, he came home got on his knees and begged me for forgivenes..thats when he told me about the ..number of other affairs he had, but he wanted to make us better, he even wanted to renew our vows, I totally fell for it, fell for him..again, thats when I told him about my affair. He forgave me, he knows why I did it, and only when we argue does he bring it up, was it wrong, yes , I know that. Btw I was'nt trying to hide it, I knew it would come up eventually..wich it did on another thread, I'm not trying to play victom, just want some solid advice. I am not a serial cheater, he is, thats why this is so difficult.
Author HalfAlive22 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 He found out because I told him. He went away yet again on another band gig, that whole week before we barely spoke and I told him I needed to think about things, that I was not happy, and was never going to get over what he's done..was the other guy in the wings? yes. My marriage was over for me. He knew when I did'nt return his call all weekend something was up, he came home got on his knees and begged me for forgivenes..thats when he told me about the ..number of other affairs he had, but he wanted to make us better, he even wanted to renew our vows, I totally fell for it, fell for him..again, thats when I told him about my affair. He forgave me, he knows why I did it, and only when we argue does he bring it up, was it wrong, yes , I know that. Btw I was'nt trying to hide it, I knew it would come up eventually..wich it did on another thread, I'm not trying to play victom, just want some solid advice. I am not a serial cheater, he is, thats why this is so difficult. And let me clarify..when I said he told me of the other numerous affairs he had, I mean asside from the two I knew about, one being the one he was leaving for..he failed to mention the other 8 or so until that night!
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 If you feel your marriage and what you've shared is worth fighting for and your H is willing to put in the same effort, then go for it. Or, maybe if things are stale (him cheating numerous times and you turning to another man) consider an open marriage. You say he travels and is in a band, so in that type of field, opportunities present themselves easily. The thing is, how do you trust him when he's away? Time will tell, but if you two love eachother, and want to keep your family together under one roof, see how marriage counselling goes and if he changes his ways. Saying he'll change is one thing, putting a plan into action and working on himself, physically doing those changes is another. OR, you can separate and see how life is without him in it. Maybe you two need time apart. Whatever your decision is, it'll be okay. You have friends, family and your kids, as well as support here on LS.
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