A parent instead of a wife?

[young&inlove]

My husband and I have just hit our 2 years. We are both very young (21). A while back my husband cheated on me with my very best friend. Since then, I haven’t been able to make ANY friends. At all. I feel this is because of trust issues. I don’t want to get any single friends because I fear they will do what the OW did to me. I don’t have any married friends for the simple fact that they are hard to come by when your this young.

 

My husband on the other hand has a TON of friends. No girls just guys. They are always hanging out and if they aren’t, they are calling him to hangout. NO MATTER WHAT. We told them we were having a date night and they still called to go to a party.

 

Its getting really old. Last night was our anniversary on the dot. We had celebrated all weekend together. I wanted to hang out with him last night alone but he didn’t come home when he said he would. I called him a few times to see where he was at, what he was doing and with whom. He told me to pretty much just leave him alone. When he did come home, he brought 4 friends with him. They were all over drinking and messing around (no kids). I wanted to be ALONE with him and he didn’t have them all leave until 11! I was bitching pretty much all night long. I had sent him a text but he didn’t have his phone so I just opened it without deleting it. I noticed that ALL his texts were gone.

 

I went out and asked him pretty quite but in front of his friends. He got all huffy and puffy and was like why were you checking them?! Then this morning he didn’t get up for work so I was trying to help him out and get up outta bed a few times, he told me to stop bothering him and treating him like a child and as if I am his parent.

 

Since I don’t have any friends, he is my one and only friend. When he is away I just want to hang out with him and talk to him so I call him to find out what is going on.

 

He has told me a few times that he doesn’t want to hang out with me alone all the time because "he doesn’t want to get old at 21". None of his friends are married or even dating anyone or have a job for that matter. Its pretty frustrating because they just want to party all the time. I have tried to tell him that he has responsibility but he doesn’t care too much. I love him deeply and don’t want to ever go away but I don’t know what to do.

 

Thanks for letting me rant. :/

[sfl]

You deserve a lot better than him, and honestly it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better any time soon. The guy cheated on you with your friend, and even now obviously doesn't respect you or the relationship like he should.

[young&inlove]

You deserve a lot better than him, and honestly it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better any time soon. The guy cheated on you with your friend, and even now obviously doesn't respect you or the relationship like he should.

 

I know he does though. He is a really great guy. I am not going to give up on this marriage that easily. I have pushed through D-day and all. That was hard. This should be cake....

 

Should I give him some more space to breathe? I am not meaning like move out or anything like that? Should I be more ok with his guy nights? What should I do instead of asking all sorts of questions when I call him?

[hoping2heal]

I know he does though. He is a really great guy. I am not going to give up on this marriage that easily. I have pushed through D-day and all. That was hard. This should be cake....

 

Why is he a great guy? Now, I am not saying with certainty he is not, I am just asking for a little more clarity into what makes him a great guy, in your own words.

 

Should I give him some more space to breathe? I am not meaning like move out or anything like that? Should I be more ok with his guy nights? What should I do instead of asking all sorts of questions when I call him?

 

When is the last time he bothered to ask you what you need to make this relationship satisfying and secure for you? Again, I am not asking with the assumption he has not, but so far the only thing you have illustrated is how he continually betrays your trust and exploits it. And acts extremely irresponsible. I understand that he does not want you shaking him out of bed for work like he is your child, but at the same time - how will he pay bills if he is not at work? You should not be the one to look after him to make sure he takes care of business, but he should not be putting you in that position to begin with. It is understandable that you, would not want him to lose his job or get in trouble. We need to get a more rounded picture here of what is taking place. In the meantime, you need to step back and let him start reaping the consequences for his actions. You are his wife, and not his mother - he is a big boy, if he does not go to work and catches hell for it all week? So be it. He cannot tell you he does not want you "mothering" him, and yet expect you to take care of him like he is a child. That is double talking.

[young&inlove]

Why is he a great guy? Now, I am not saying with certainty he is not, I am just asking for a little more clarity into what makes him a great guy, in your own words.

 

When is the last time he bothered to ask you what you need to make this relationship satisfying and secure for you? Again, I am not asking with the assumption he has not, but so far the only thing you have illustrated is how he continually betrays your trust and exploits it. And acts extremely irresponsible. I understand that he does not want you shaking him out of bed for work like he is your child, but at the same time - how will he pay bills if he is not at work? You should not be the one to look after him to make sure he takes care of business, but he should not be putting you in that position to begin with. It is understandable that you, would not want him to lose his job or get in trouble. We need to get a more rounded picture here of what is taking place. In the meantime, you need to step back and let him start reaping the consequences for his actions. You are his wife, and not his mother - he is a big boy, if he does not go to work and catches hell for it all week? So be it. He cannot tell you he does not want you "mothering" him, and yet expect you to take care of him like he is a child. That is double talking.

 

He really is a great guy. He does little things for me that help me out. For a long time we only had one car and 4 jobs together. He would let me use the car to get to and from my jobs and he would have to find a ride. He works really hard at both his jobs. I know he doesnt like either of them at all but he does it because he makes pretty good money for us to "have the life we want." He treats me the way I want to be treated when we are together. Its when he is when he isnt home and he starts to get snappy with me. Is that just him wanting to have his time?

 

Me waking him up is not typical. He usually is up before I am. I just wanted to help him and make sure that he got up for work. Its mainly the thing that bothers him is when I call to see where he is and what he is doing type stuff. I know he wont cheat on me again. I just know him that well. We are always together and thats why I love to be with him. He is my one and only friend.

[hoping2heal]

He really is a great guy. He does little things for me that help me out. For a long time we only had one car and 4 jobs together. He would let me use the car to get to and from my jobs and he would have to find a ride. He works really hard at both his jobs. I know he doesnt like either of them at all but he does it because he makes pretty good money for us to "have the life we want." He treats me the way I want to be treated when we are together. Its when he is when he isnt home and he starts to get snappy with me. Is that just him wanting to have his time?

 

I am glad he does things like that to help you out. That is thoughtful. I am sure he does want some time alone to unwind and that isn't a problem. However, his "me" time, should not stomp all over you. You know what I mean? It is not unreasonable for him to want to go out and spend some time with "the guys" but that time should not mean not keeping his word to you on something. It should be a seperate thing. Also, you live in that house too - there should be some consideration for the late hours he keeps with his friends and how you feel about it. All of his friends are single and don't have wives and girlfriends to disturb with their late night rallying, why do they not go there? Also, just because he is out with friends is no excuse for treating you coldly (e.g the snappy)

 

 

Me waking him up is not typical. He usually is up before I am. I just wanted to help him and make sure that he got up for work. Its mainly the thing that bothers him is when I call to see where he is and what he is doing type stuff. I know he wont cheat on me again. I just know him that well. We are always together and thats why I love to be with him. He is my one and only friend.

 

Why did he cheat to begin with?

You mention that you are always together, how do you deal with time apart? Do you enjoy it?

[Clep]

Let's say you meet another friend that wants to sleep with you husband. Isn't it his responsibility to say no to the friend. The trust issue really needs to be with your husband and not other women. You seem to be much easier on your husband than the OW.

 

Your husband may be a great guy, he just has some poor behaviors. These behaviors are hurtful to you and he does not seem to interested in that.

 

I do hear you saying that you trust him completely and that he would never cheat on you again. Your actions in looking at his phone as well as bringing that up on this post clearly states to me your are not as confident as you would like to believe.

 

It is not healthy for you or your marriage for your husband to be your only friend. I could not imagine my spouse placing the burden upon me of filling the gap of their entire social circle. I think that would frustrate me quickly.

 

Why do you call to see what he is doing type thing? In a healthy marriage one person isn't calling the other to see what they are doing.

 

Do you really know him that well?

 

I think you need to be looking at your dependence on him and how that may be affecting your marriage. Also I am not sure how often he is with his friends but it is not very considerate to have them drinking at your home late. It would be considerate for him to plan an evening like that out for his friends at your home so both of you have input in that.

[young&inlove]

You bring up some VERY good points.

 

I am dependant on him. I never thought to look at it that way. But I see it now. I don’t mean to put my social problems on him. I need to find some friends. That’s what’s been the hard part all along.

 

For trust... Maybe your right. I don’t trust him fully. I want to think that I do. I want everything to go back to normal. I don’t trust the OW because I KNOW how the girl was. She was my best friend and was at the time with a guy who she stole from his wife. It scares me that I will find a friend and they will just turn their back on me.

 

I call mainly because I am bored and he doesn’t tell me if I don’t call him. I am working on backing off of him in that department.

 

As for the staying over late with friends, they all come over here because they STILL LIVE WITH THIER PARENTS!! Losers I know. I would much rather him home drinking than out somewhere and then driving home. This works easier for me then I don’t have to drive to get them or take them home.

 

I know I need to have a sit down with him so we can both figure out what we want in life and when. We want the same things... Or at least we did. I know getting married this young is wrong to a bunch of people but we love each other. We are starting to grow up and maybe even apart? What do you do when this happens? I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON THIS MARRIAGE. At least not until I have exhausted everything.

[whichwayisup]

You have to make friends! Just because your bestfriend betrayed you, doesn't mean all female friends will betray you. It hurts, and you forgave your H, so maybe it's time to take the chance and meet some girls, make friends so you won't be bored and lonely.

 

Married couples still have to have time to themselves, see friends, go out and do things alone.

 

There are times I PUSH my H out the door for an evening so I can have some alone time or just hang out with my friends without him being home.

[Clep]

I don’t trust the OW because I KNOW how the girl was. She was my best friend and was at the time with a guy who she stole from his wife.

 

I call mainly because I am bored and he doesn’t tell me if I don’t call him. I am working on backing off of him in that department.

 

they STILL LIVE WITH THIER PARENTS!! Losers I know. I would much rather him home drinking than out somewhere and then driving home. This works easier for me then I don’t have to drive to get them or take them home.

 

I know I need to have a sit down with him so we can both figure out what we want in life and when. We want the same things... Or at least we did. I know getting married this young is wrong to a bunch of people but we love each other. We are starting to grow up and maybe even apart? What do you do when this happens? I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON THIS MARRIAGE. At least not until I have exhausted everything.

 

You also KNOW how your husband was because he cheated with her. She didn't steal any man from his wife. She didn't kidnap him and make him have sex with her. He was a willing participant. I am not sure why it is you put all of the onus on this woman for her part as well as the men's part.

 

Great to hear you are working on backing off in that department. Sounds like there is some co-dependency going on here. I have read a great book by Melodie Beatty called Co-dependent No More several times. Might be helpful for you.

 

I wouldn't say the friends are losers, but your husband may need to set some boundaries in regards to how often he nurtures the friendships and where. I am not seeing how using your home for a flop house for parties to avoid poor behavior or for your personal convenience is going to strengthen your marriage long term. Do you live in a small town with no cabs? Or they could take turns each being DD when they go out OR they could have a friendship that isn't based upon partying. Could substance abuse could possibly be a problem now or in the future?

 

Why did you get married young? I don't think it matters if anyone thinks you married too young and your choices are your own. When you grow up that's good but you don't have to grow apart. Maybe take a relationship class? I have another book called the Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly. It truly believe that if couples read that book and APPLIED the principles in it divorce would be nonexistent. It would also take care of that "friend" issue as it discusses the shift in roles that needs to take place for a successful long term marriage.

[hoping2heal]

You still have not answered why he ever cheated to begin with.

 

It does sound like you are very dependent on him, and that is not going to go well in the long term. It is not helping you any because you are just growing in a very dysfunctional direction. It is not helping him any because it is going to feel smothering (if it does not already) and pretty soon the dynamic will evolve into something that is not a romantic relationship. I am not sure why you capital letter typed you would not give up on the marriage. I am not sure if you want us to be all clear on that or what?

 

Also, your friend and your husband both betrayed you. As clep pointed out the husband was a willing participant. As was the other woman's husband. Your friend might be manipulative to the hilt, that does not mean she would have successfully seduced every man on the planet. There are those men who would have said no. Fidelity is not a matter of unfortunate circumstances. It is not like "Well honey let's go move away and live on an island, because if a girl tempts me I have no other alternative but to cheat!" No, that is not how it works. If that was how fidelity went, we would all be in big trouble - thankfully that is not the case.

 

You have got to start being realistic. That does not mean you need to leave your marriage, but at least be honest with yourself.

[Kendrick]

I doubt this will get better right now, not without some serious growing up on both your parts. You need to get out and make some friends. Also to me he still sounds like he is not trust worthy. He blows you off to party with his friends, tells you to leave him alone etc. I';m not saying you should end the marriage, but you BOTH need to do some soul searching, on what you really feel you need to do in the marriage.

[Els]

The devil in me is tempted to tell you to get male friends instead, hang out with them when he is with his, and when he asks you why your friends are mostly male, tell him you can't stomach having female friends anymore because he cheated on you with your best female friend.

 

I guess that won't really solve the problem though.. and the problem is that you do not trust him. I don't blame you one iota for not trusting him, given his history... but no relationship can survive without trust. The proverbial 'shyte or get off the pot' applies here. You love him, but you really only have two choices here: Re-learn to trust him, or leave.

[Woman In Blue]

Oh my goodness - you're expecting a 21 year old boy to act like a man. He's still a kid, Young&InLove. He's acting exactly the way a boy his age should be acting - partying it up, lusting after everything that moves, and being totally irresponsible. That's what boys his age DO.

 

It's unfortunate that you married so young. Someone his age isn't going to be able to act like an adult and be responsible - and he's been proving that to you every day. He's cheating, lying, partying, being sneaky, and totally disregarding you and your marriage. I wouldn't expect anything different from someone his age. If he were 30, I'd be calling him every name in the book, but he's only a boy. That doesn't make his behavior right - he's still acting like a jackass - but an AGE APPROPRIATE jackass.

 

It's unfortunate, but the bottom line is that your'e not going to magically make him grow up just because you want him to.

[Els]

Oh my goodness - you're expecting a 21 year old boy to act like a man. He's still a kid, Young&InLove. He's acting exactly the way a boy his age should be acting - partying it up, lusting after everything that moves, and being totally irresponsible. That's what boys his age DO.

 

Uh, no, this is not true. While guys that age are less mature in general, not ALL 21 year old guys lust after everything that moves and acts totally irresponsible. Claiming so is just unfair to the decent guys who, while still lacking in life experience and full maturity, are still pretty good partners.

[blueroses10]

He really is a great guy. He does little things for me that help me out. For a long time we only had one car and 4 jobs together. He would let me use the car to get to and from my jobs and he would have to find a ride. He works really hard at both his jobs. I know he doesnt like either of them at all but he does it because he makes pretty good money for us to "have the life we want." He treats me the way I want to be treated when we are together. Its when he is when he isnt home and he starts to get snappy with me. Is that just him wanting to have his time?

 

Me waking him up is not typical. He usually is up before I am. I just wanted to help him and make sure that he got up for work. Its mainly the thing that bothers him is when I call to see where he is and what he is doing type stuff. I know he wont cheat on me again. I just know him that well. We are always together and thats why I love to be with him. He is my one and only friend.

 

 

Being a great guy or even a good person doesn't always make for a great boyfriend or husband. People can be great people but not know how to function in relationships.

 

The fact that he cheated with someone so close to you will come back to haunt you (it is haunting you already). There is such a high disrespect when someone you trust betrays you with someone else that you trust.

 

Coupled with the fact that he is still disrespecting you with his behavior with his friends does not look good. He should be doing everything he can to make up for cheating but he seems to be alienating you more.