blizzard Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Today I have to face the biggest demon yet. I have to return to our special meeting place for a function that I must attend. I haven't been there since things ended. I don't know how I am going to muster up the strength but I have to... I have to for my daughter because this is all for her. He used to refer to this place as "our place." The place he said we would return to in years to come...together. The place we could revisit and reminisce. "Things aren't always perfect from the start"...so he said.."but they will be." He lives 4hrs away...and made the trip here alot. I have all of the memories just left here in lap. I am the one that has to face things like this. While he lives his life free of reminders. No demons to face. Well, maybe one when he has to return to my city...on holidays. But it is mere pit stop. And I often wonder when he does stop in does he think of me as the woman he lied to...the one he took advantage of. Or someone he really loved like he said he did. Is there even a conscious? Has working on his marriage blacked me out forever? Can men do that...flip a switch? I am now 6mts NC. The wounds aren't as fresh as they were but still just below the surface. It doesn't take much to bring the hurt back. My counselor and I are just now bridging from my failed marriage-to my affair. It's so damn difficult. When can you move on and not give AP a second thought again? I want to erase him so badly... I want clarity back.
greengoddess Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Today I have to face the biggest demon yet. I have to return to our special meeting place for a function that I must attend. I haven't been there since things ended. I don't know how I am going to muster up the strength but I have to... I have to for my daughter because this is all for her. He used to refer to this place as "our place." The place he said we would return to in years to come...together. The place we could revisit and reminisce. "Things aren't always perfect from the start"...so he said.."but they will be." He lives 4hrs away...and made the trip here alot. I have all of the memories just left here in lap. I am the one that has to face things like this. While he lives his life free of reminders. No demons to face. Well, maybe one when he has to return to my city...on holidays. But it is mere pit stop. And I often wonder when he does stop in does he think of me as the woman he lied to...the one he took advantage of. Or someone he really loved like he said he did. Is there even a conscious? Has working on his marriage blacked me out forever? Can men do that...flip a switch? I am now 6mts NC. The wounds aren't as fresh as they were but still just below the surface. It doesn't take much to bring the hurt back. My counselor and I are just now bridging from my failed marriage-to my affair. It's so damn difficult. When can you move on and not give AP a second thought again? I want to erase him so badly... I want clarity back. He faces demons every day when he has to look at his wife. Facing this today is a step forward.
desertIslandCactus Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 You have You - a complete, free, whole woman. Know this when you attend this function. Others' lives aren't what they may seem.
blueroses10 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 You will make new memories to overshadow the old ones. Allow yourself to have a really good time and focus on your daughter. Don't give him the power to hold this place over you.
spice4life Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 You will make new memories to overshadow the old ones. Allow yourself to have a really good time and focus on your daughter. Don't give him the power to hold this place over you. This great advice and (((big hugs))) I can totally understand your pain. Stay strong and in time this will all fade into the background. Try to find the lesson in it to help you through. In my A, the lesson I needed to learn was self love. I'm finally getting there and it feels good. It is kind of like a new sense of freedom.
oxfordsocks Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 sending you strength wherever your at today....don't let him spoil your new memories!!!
Fieldsofgold Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 You will make new memories to overshadow the old ones. Allow yourself to have a really good time and focus on your daughter. Don't give him the power to hold this place over you. I love this advice! Focus on the present moment. Focus on your daughter. Make it be about memories of you and her! Memories you can cherish and hold dear in your heart. Don't give that man ANY free rent in your head, or heart. Make today be about today, and your daughter who loves you and cherishes you more than any man ever could! And whom you love more than you love/d any man! Let it be a celebration of the two of you, and the love of a mother and daughter!
Author blizzard Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 I want to thank each of you for your support. You truly don't know how much words mean. My computer has been down so I want to also apologize for being slow at responding. I used tunnel vision that day. Saw nothing but my little ones. As I drove past our old picnic table I focused on my girls...striking a kiddo convo with them. I do get angry at myself for letting him get the best of me. For taking a moments to even think of him when I could have been thinking of my kids. He's a true thief...stealing that time. Stealing my heart against my own reservations. I get so damn angry when I think of his words, his touch...and how he asked me to believe and faith when i had none. Trust he said. Proclaimed sincerity and honesty. And I finally took the bait. How can someone do this...lie, taking advantage of someone going through a God awful seperation...with children? And he knew this...
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