Meadow Blue Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 (edited) Nothing puts me in an awful mood faster than coming home from a full day of work - during which I used my lunch hour to get an item from the grocery store that we HAD to have - using the 45 minutes I have before I need to leave again to make dinner for SO, finish a report that needs to be sent out for work, and taking a 5 minute shower and changing before flying out the door again...only to receive a text from SO asking if the pets had gotten fed. Why does this irritate me so much? Because SO took the day of work, was dicking around on his computer when I left for work in the morning, was still dicking around on his computer while I was flying around the house for 45 minutes trying to finish my work and make sure he got fed, and in fact, he was still on his ****ing computer when I got home at 10:30pm. I wish that I could felt understanding that everyone needs a mental health day or whatever, rather than feeling pissed off, bitter, and resentful, and feeling like I do everything (because of course everyone needs a day off once in awhile, everyone likes feeling cared for, and of course I don't do everything). My entire drive home I was fuming about this text message, and tallying up a mental list of similar offenses, and basically feeling like a martyr. I don't want to be this way, and I don't want to feel this way about life, about my SO, or about my relationship. I need an attitude adjustment. And I don't know where to start or how to go about doing this. Edited November 23, 2010 by Meadow Blue
denise_xo Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I'm sorry, I don't get it. If he has the day off, why wasn't he going to the grocery store to get the item you HAD to have? And why wasn't he making his own food? I have no idea if this is the case with you, but women often set themselves up for these kind of situations. To give a practical example: When I married my husband, he didn't know how to do the dishes, in that, he literally couldn't do them without the majority of them still being dirty after he was 'finished'. This was partially because the prevailing belief where he comes from that people with dicks can't do the dishes, so he had hardly done them before. But that aside, what would happen when he offered to help his mother or sister to do the dishes (or other 'female' type housework for that matter), is that they would usually refuse outright, or they would let him start but then when he didn't do it "properly" they would tell him to stop and take over. After we moved together, I made sure that I never re-did the dishes that he hadn't managed to clean. I pointed out to him that they were still dirty, and I put them back for him to do them again, sometimes with practical tips for how to get rid of difficult stains. Sometimes that meant putting roughly twenty five percent of it back. But if I had instead just 'done it myself' (which a lot of women do, especially because they get stuck up on things having to get done in a very particular way), it would just have annoyed me in the long run. These days, he gets it clean 99 percent of the time. So in short, my question to you is this: If you really do everything, is that because your husband is a lazy bum, or is it because you yourself have created a situated at home where you naturally take charge of most of the housework processes?
Author Meadow Blue Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 (edited) It's because he can be astonishingly lazy. I think part of it comes from his mother doing everything for him, and she continues to do so at every opportunity. I refuse to have to act like his mother, so when it comes down to options such as: 1. The animals don't get to eat 2. I ask him to get pet food, he agrees, but still hasn't done it by dinnertime, so then either I have to remind him or do it myself, but either way I am pissed off at him or 3. Do it myself so it actually gets done and we don't fight about it I will choose option #3. As it happens in this particular incident, I called to confirm that he hadn't done it yet and said OK I'm doing it right now; he called me 2 hours later to say did I do it, because he was going to get lunch and could do it if I hadn't. Edited November 23, 2010 by Meadow Blue
denise_xo Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 It's because he can be astonishingly lazy. I think part of it comes from his mother doing everything for him, and she continues to do so at every opportunity. I refuse to have to act like his mother, so when it comes down to options such as: 1. The animals don't get to eat 2. I ask him to get pet food, he agrees, but still hasn't done it by dinnertime, so then either I have to remind him or do it myself, but either way I am pissed off at him or 3. Do it myself so it actually gets done and we don't fight about it I will choose option #3. I totally sympathise, but it does sustain his behaviour... have you tried to discuss this issue more generally and established a clear division of responsibilities?
denise_xo Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 As it happens in this particular incident, I called to confirm that he hadn't done it yet and said OK I'm doing it right now; he called me 2 hours later to say did I do it, because he was going to get lunch and could do it if I hadn't. You are very patient...
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