confusedmale66 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 i have been in a relationship with the girl for almost two years now and we have had serious discussions about getting married in the near future. i feel like she may be the only person that i have ever been truely in love with and i have turned my workd upside down for her on a couple of occasions and i would gladly do it all over again. she tells me that im the love of her life, her best friend and that she has shared things with me that she hs never shared or experienced with another. but, here is the problem....... through our entire relationship she has never really put me first before her friends, x husband and family. now, i certainly dont expect to be first all the time, maybe not even most of the time, but at least everyonce in a while. and the problem is only compounded by the fact that i feel like she hides me from them. almost every single weekend that we are together her x husband, of two years, is calling demanding to know where she is and who she is with and instead of just telling him "im with Charles and we are about have dinner, what did you need", she will argue with him telling him that its none of his business who she is with and for him to stop asking. it bothers me a little that he thinks he even has the right to ask her those questions when its his weekend with their son, but it bothers me even more that she cant just simply tell him. This isnt something that has happened a few times, its something that happens EVERYTIME we go somewhere. It doesnt just happen with him, it happens with her family and friends also. many times i have sat there and listened to her be vague about where she is or just flay out lie about it to her frends and family. finally after about a year of this i tell her that it makes me insecure and makes me question her level of commitment with me and she just says that its none of their business. i try to tell her thats its not about whether its their business or not its about something that need out of the relationship to make me feel secure. finally those two issues broke us up and we are trying to get back together, she says that she she was wrong and that she has changed, but i dont know if i can trust it. i mean why should i?? for two years she couldnt give me what i needed? i have told her to "show me", iv said show me that you can stand up for our relationship, do something to convience me, but so far its just more words from her end. i would give anything for her, she truely is my one and only true love but i dont think i can live in a relationship where i cant get the basic respect of not being hidden from friends and family. the way i see it is that there is a problem if i even have to ask for something as basic as her having enough respect for me and our relationship to not hide me, but the fact that after i have asked for this for over a year and she still cant do it makes me wonder what i ever meant to her in the first place. Sorry for the long read, and thanks in advance for your advice.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I think the only way you can truly test it, is to give her another chance. If she shows she hasn't changed, then end it.
Titania22 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 instead of just telling him "im with Charles and we are about have dinner, what did you need", she will argue with him telling him that its none of his business who she is with and for him to stop asking. Well it's true that it is none of his business. But if you really want to find out where you stand, you could take the phone out of her hand next time this happens and say something like "this is Charles and we are about to have dinner, why are you calling?" She will probably be in shock and maybe angry, but after the initial reaction wears off, she will either like that you did what she couldn't or not. If not, then she probably had no intention of meeting your wishes. If so, she probably wanted to meet them, but didn't feel capable for whatever reason. When my boyfriend moved in years ago, he actually went to the door when my ex was picking up the kids and made it clear he wasn't allowed across the threashhold anymore. It was brilliant. I was still terrified of my ex, and so I really appeciated him not being allowed to waltz in and criticise everything I had or hadn't done. And even though the boyfriend left, my ex still isn't allowed in the house.
Author confusedmale66 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 I actually tried that when her friend was calling and she was lying to her about where she was. Finally I tool the phone and old her hat she was at my house and asked her I'd she had a problem with that. She was so mad that she called a cab to take her home. We have talked about it a hundred times and she always goes back to he same behavior, but after I leave she comes back saying that she is sorry. I think I Just need to accept that she never had the same feelings for me that I had for her and move on.
Titania22 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I actually tried that when her friend was calling and she was lying to her about where she was. Finally I tool the phone and old her hat she was at my house and asked her I'd she had a problem with that. She was so mad that she called a cab to take her home. We have talked about it a hundred times and she always goes back to he same behavior, but after I leave she comes back saying that she is sorry. I think I Just need to accept that she never had the same feelings for me that I had for her and move on. It sounds like she is attached to you, therefore misses you when you are gone, but nothing more.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Yeah, if you already gave her another chance then just end it and find someone who isn't ashamed of you.
Author confusedmale66 Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Yeah, if you already gave her another chance then just end it and find someone who isn't ashamed of you. yea, im afraid your right. i just wanted it to workout, she says all the right things but when it somes down to giving me a couple of very basic things in a relationship her actions are no where near her words.
Sabali Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Well it's true that it is none of his business. But if you really want to find out where you stand, you could take the phone out of her hand next time this happens and say something like "this is Charles and we are about to have dinner, why are you calling?" Oh, yes. This is so me. I would have done this sooner rather than later in the relationship and if she had a problem with it and want to hop in a cab out of anger, you should have held the cab door open for her and tipped the cab driver personally before they drove away. I agree with every thing Titania said. Your GF may be be attached to you but she doesn't respect you. You are mostly a void filler. Have you ever dated women who really like you, love you, or just plain crazy about? Man, they want to introduce you to everyone! You can be ugly as hell and they would flaunt you across the globe saying "I know he is ugly but he is my man and he treats me well!" Your only action here is either walk or put your foot down. I would put my foot down and then walk. Once she comes back with her apologies, say "whatever" and walk off. If you take her back so easily every time after she apologizes her behavior will continue. I"ll say it time and time again... "words mean nothing." Don't get caught up on what a person expresses to you. Actions mean every thing. Many many words and phrases come very easy to some people.
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