Kamille Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 When I think of your dating style OG, I would say you're the opposite of "too trusting". You see red flags everywhere and give regular guys a hard time. You also tend to take the lead, not because you like to chase, but because you need reassurance. But since you lead, you also continue to seek reassurance. You also tend to go back and forth on what your "gut" is telling you. This time, your gut was right. But I can think of plenty of other times, documented here, where I don't feel I know whether or not your gut was right because you pretty much sabotaged yourself. You did this by refusing to be vulnerable until you could ascertain the guy was into you enough, you did this by taking the lead by sending texts or getting in touch, you did this by letting your emotions get the best of you. (Suddenly struck by a contradiction: while you present yourself here as someone who has a hard time being herself on dates, you show interest and vulnerability only by taking the lead with contact. Imagine how confusing this must be to guys... "She didn't seem that interested and I'm not getting a sense of who she is, but here she is contacting me." I wish you would simply flip that scenario: enjoy dates, have fun and show the guy you like him to then sit back and let him take the lead). Anyway. What strikes me the most about this most recent fling is that YES you do have to trust your gut. But, I think your biggest challenge is flipping your inner voice from negative to positive. So stat by trusting your gut, definitely. But not in the "woe is me" kind of way, where any guy is deemed untrustworthy until proven otherwise. Hopefully it will lead to you trusting that you will make the right decisions for youself. Hopefully it will lead you to feel empowered. Hopefully it will lead you to know you're the only person who can ensure your own happiness.
dispatch3d Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Unfortunately, I think that I have been getting lots of bad advice on LS. Advice about giving people the benefit of the doubt which is mighty tempting when you like someone. Each time - it turned out that my instinct was spot on. Giving people the benefit of the doubt has only led me to heartbreak. I have also been called crazy a lot for doubting the random excuse a perfect stranger would give me...Actually, I don't believe that I am that crazy at all. I am finally ready for a relationship and I haven't been ready in many years. I am not blaming LS. I am not blaming anyone. I just think that it's in my best interest to get advice from here any longer. I kind of believe in thinking the best of peoples intentions, even if they may not be the best. I also believe in not attaching meaning to events, like him canceling is because of x, or maybe y happened. I guess my problem isn't that you think it's fishy, it's this huge story that follows the fishy behaviour. Like oh he's probably doing y (where y is the worst thing you could imagine!). Obviously if you are proven true then everything is cool and you are reassured. That's a common fallacy/flawed thinking/something like that, can't remember what, but gamblers use it all the time..... Anyhow, I've been reading about buddhism. Pretty fun .
harmfulsweetz Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I always try to take people at facevalue, I think if you immediately think the worst, you're on the road to decline. There's nothing wrong with trusting your gut, but if you take a perfectly normal thing and place a negative spin on it, you're blowing your chances already. Take things for what they are. A guy cancels but offers an alternative date. Think 'Oh, something came up, yeah, I can make x' rather than thinking he's on another date with someone else. I can be just like you, my gut is always telling me to be negative, guys are no good, he's not going to call, and normally I'm right, but I wonder if I give off a negative vibe? The important thing is to not hold back, to live your life to the fullest, to take chances, and if you get hurt in the end, such is life. Least you know you tried. There are those people that look at everything in a glass half empty kinda manner, always seeing the downside, the bad things, rather than looking at all the good sides. The good thing out of this is that you know you can have a connection that good with someone, you had 2 great dates, and you know there is nothing wrong with you. It's trial and error really. Just recently, (I'm sorry to go off on a tangent here) I left my number for a guy who I had gut feelings the outcome wouldn't be good. He rang, we had sex (y'all know the story) but I'm not half as miserable as I would have been to not take the chance. There's more positives from it than negative-I had a good time, there's no unfinished business, I now know I can approach. I think in this case there's a lot of positives to take from it.
Author OceanGirl Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 I don't buy the whole getting back with the ex story. Maybe he is still in love with his ex wife, but he has told me so many lies that I just don't buy it. I am also not sure about the easy lay angle. I mean he canceled an hour before I was due to come to his place. That would have pretty much been an easy lay with no effort on his part. I think that the guy is crazy. His behavior has been so erratic that I think that there is something mentally/emotionally wrong with him. I guess it would be hard for ya'all to picture someone crazier than I am but there you have it.
Star Gazer Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 What are the "so many lies" he told you?? Have you acknowledged your lies yet? At least you're recognizing your behavior/thought process is erratic...IMO, more so than he.
Author OceanGirl Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 What are the "so many lies" he told you?? Have you acknowledged your lies yet? At least you're recognizing your behavior/thought process is erratic...IMO, more so than he. Star, I am really losing my patience with you. Please give it up. What lies? A lie that I have a work function next day AFTER he tried to flake on me? Seriously? You compare this to his behavior? Go and post on some other thread. Nothing you have said is remotely helpful or true.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 What are the "so many lies" he told you?? Have you acknowledged your lies yet? At least you're recognizing your behavior/thought process is erratic...IMO, more so than he. Why do you keep digging at, OG? She is who she is, nothing wrong with that. Maybe she could do with being more positive or whatever...but I'm sure she knows that on her own. You seem to go out of your way to make her feel bad, when I'm sure she feels bad enough.
Star Gazer Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Star, I am really losing my patience with you. Please give it up. What lies? A lie that I have a work function next day AFTER he tried to flake on me? Seriously? You compare this to his behavior? Go and post on some other thread. Nothing you have said is remotely helpful or true. I'm asking you what lies HE committed that YOU didn't commit, with him, as well. You're both human, yet you're needlessly vilifying him.
runner Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 At the end of the day, OG, this guy made you happy. Happier than you'd been in years. Focus on the good that came from these couple dates. Don't focus on negative thoughts or continue the blame game. He's not a bad guy because he's still in love with someone else. Instead, recognize that you now know that it's possible to find someone you really have great chemistry with, who makes you as giddy and excited as you were, even with "in love" like feelings. Remember those positive feelings so you can find/recognize them again; don't forget them. yep. and don't overly concern yourself with the 'destination'. live in the moment and enjoy it for what it's worth
Star Gazer Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Why do you keep digging at, OG? She is who she is, nothing wrong with that. I guess that's where we disagree. I'm not digging at her just because I disagree with her behavior. I don't think it's wise for ANYONE to just sit back and say, "This is who I am and I have no desire to improve for the better." She, like every single one of us here, isn't perfect and can take this experience as a positive lesson to improve/better herself and her relationships, OR she can continue on being just the way she is, overly emotional and dramatic (her words, not mine), pointing fingers and living a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. The choice is hers. The choices she continues to make...well, they just make me sad. *shrug*
harmfulsweetz Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I guess that's where we disagree. I'm not digging at her just because I disagree with her behavior. I don't think it's wise for ANYONE to just sit back and say, "This is who I am and I have no desire to improve for the better." She, like every single one of us here, isn't perfect and can take this experience as a positive lesson to improve/better herself and her relationships, OR she can continue on being just the way she is, overly emotional and dramatic (her words, not mine), pointing fingers and living a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. The choice is hers. The choices she continues to make...well, they just make me sad. *shrug* But you've made that same point several times, I don't think you need to keep making it. Just my opinion. No one is perfect, we all have things we can work on, but it is up to us as individuals to work on them not for people to keep harping on about our faults. Everyone should try to learn things from their behavioural (sp?) patterns, but I feel this is a case where HE is at fault here. He led OG on by acting all OTT interested, when he wasn't. So why are you constantly spinning it around so it's her fault?
Titania22 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 The choice is hers. The choices she continues to make...well, they just make me sad. *shrug* It makes me sad too, but not because of the choices OG makes, but because she seems to negate any of her happy experiences with "It doesn't count, because . . . " I bet OG has had lots of enjoyable happy experiences in her life, but she only tends to see the negative ones, or reframe happy ones negatively. OG please consider reframing your perspective so you instead of attributing your happy experiences to be people providing them, you attribute them to something else. Like, 'all happy things come from God', or 'the Universe', or 'the restoration of the karmic balance', or 'because someone loves me and wants me to be happy, and since they can't be here themselves they have sent this stand in to brighten my day'. I think you get the point. Just because an individual isn't going to be there tomorrow or 20yrs from now, doesn't negate the joy they bring into our lives while they are here.
Star Gazer Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Everyone should try to learn things from their behavioural (sp?) patterns, but I feel this is a case where HE is at fault here. He led OG on by acting all OTT interested, when he wasn't. So why are you constantly spinning it around so it's her fault? I keep bringing it up because she's not seeing or recognizing the errors of her own ways. It's all on him, according to you and her. You and I clearly disagree. This is not ALL his fault. Need I remind you who was also acting over the top, talking about being in LOVE? OG. They're equally reasonable for how this turned out. Look, it always sucks when he like someone and it doesn't work out. It makes us human. But why are you assuming that he's some evil bad guy? Who's to say he lied, or led her on? Why are you assuming he wasn't into OG? That he didn't feel a connection with her? That he didn't really enjoy her company, and want to get to know her? Believe it or not, it's very possible, and sounds like it was actually the case, that he was pretty smitten and taken with OG, and liked her a lot, but just had too many residual feelings for his ex-wife. WHY does that make him a bad guy??? They had 2 dates. They didn't sleep together. They were getting to know each other, exploring the possibility of having it actually go somewhere. He realized after a short while that it wasn't going to go anywhere, because despite how much he likes OG, he LOVES hos exwife more, and he told OG as much. He's a bad guy?? Really?? No, don't think so.
Star Gazer Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 It makes me sad too, but not because of the choices OG makes, but because she seems to negate any of her happy experiences with "It doesn't count, because . . . " I bet OG has had lots of enjoyable happy experiences in her life, but she only tends to see the negative ones, or reframe happy ones negatively. EXACTLY!! Like here, instead of thinking: "What a jerk! This guy led me on! I should've known all his emotion and affection for me was all fake, all a lie!!" she could easily use the same exact facts to think: "He was pretty awesome, we had fun while it lasted and boy did he make me feel great. It's too bad his heart was still with someone else, that he couldn't be with me emotionally 100%, because we would have been a great fit. Oh well, that's timing for ya! But at least I know I'm totally capable of those crazy butterflies again!" Which scenario allow OG to jump back on the horse? Which one causes more fear and further self-fulfilling prophecy?
EricaH329 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 OG - I've said this before in another one of your threads, but I feel as though it cannot be said enough. You absolutely cannot be happy with other relationships in your life until you are happy with yourself. Until you love yourself. Until you respect yourself. I honestly, with all my heart, believe that once you take time out for yourself and focus solely on yourself and find the love and respect that has somehow been lost along the way, you will find happiness with another. I am very sorry you are going through all of these emotions right now. I can imagine how hard it must be. But please, take what I am saying into consideration. You must allow yourself to be alone for awhile. It's really not as scary as it seems. Allow yourself to be happy alone.
Ariadne Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Wow... "can't do Dexter tonight". Well, got to give him points for gentleman. He could have easily have you gone to his house and have sex with you and then dump you. I can't believe it was all BS. I know what you mean... Sorry about what happened OG. It's tough, the moment you find a guy you like, that one is the problem one as usual.
Author OceanGirl Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Oh man, I just got home from work and drank the whole bottle of some sort of vodka-cosmopolitan mix. It's pink I haven't eaten anything in 24 hours so I anticipate that I am going to puke soon lololol
Author OceanGirl Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Oh and I rang that 25 year old FWB potential and we are going out on Friday night. He seemed really happy to hear from me.
Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Oh and I rang that 25 year old FWB potential and we are going out on Friday night. He seemed really happy to hear from me. OG, you're drunk. Step away from the computer, put down the phone. Don't email anyone, don't text anyone, don't call anyone. Eat something, and go to bed. Sleep it off.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Oh and I rang that 25 year old FWB potential and we are going out on Friday night. He seemed really happy to hear from me. OG please don't do anything self destructive. Even if he is FWB potential, don't jump into bed with him if you're not ready or willing.
Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 OG please don't do anything self destructive. Even if he is FWB potential, don't jump into bed with him if you're not ready or willing. She's drunk. See the post immediately above that one.
Mad Max Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 If she's really drunk, then she's in violation of an LS rule. Tony made a thread on this about a month ago.
Author OceanGirl Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Ooops, I rang my boss too and had like a 30 mins convo with him. He kept asking me "Are you OK??" lolol
xpaperxcutx Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 She's drunk. See the post immediately above that one. I read the post. I also took notice of the tenses... if she can't cancel, I can at least warn her.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 If she's really drunk, then she's in violation of an LS rule. Tony made a thread on this about a month ago. But she's drunk, I doubt she actually has the " rules" on her mind. Ooops, I rang my boss too and had like a 30 mins convo with him. He kept asking me "Are you OK??" lolol :: facepalm:: OG what are you doing?
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