lee123 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Yeah, i'm new to all this but i'm finding it really hard. I'v been with my ex for about 5 months, was going fine until 2 weeks ago she was like, i don't feel the same anymore, i asked why, all she said is "don't know, can we just be friends". So i'v been going along with it, and really can't cope anymore. I said i'd go forever and move on, but she's saying things like she needs me still, and still loves me. I'm torn i want to keep in touch but it hurts, but i want to move on but then i'll be hurt because i love her. I am 18, this has being harder loss than my other relationships. Would you please give me advice on what to do? I'v not being in contact for the past few days, and finding it really hard.
SimonSerenade Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Many of people on here would suggest no contact, There's no doubt she's messing your head up here mate, The best thing you can do is remain friend's but remain distant at the same time, Keep yourself available to her and stay strong, Women crave strong men, I'd consider taking 28 days for yourself just to let things settle down, See if it makes her miss you, In the mean time if she contacts you, Just tell her your busy. I'm going through a break up with a girl who left me near enough 4 months ago after a 3 year relationship, It's hard work, I tried everything, Tried being her friend and doing nice things, Now were not talking at the moment as I'm taking some time for myself and some time to re-evaluate where I went wrong and what I did right and if there's anything I need to change I'll work on it over and over in my head until I know I've changed and can show it her. For your situation... I'd say just be her mate and see where it goes but be sure to give yourself sometime and see what happens, Goodluck mate.
pieturli Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I'm going through a similar situation. My girlfriend dumped me a couple days ago because she no longer felt that I was her boyfriend, just a close friend. We had tried to make it work, but the feelings were just not coming back. Me and my ex also want to be on good terms, but I'd also say that NC is probably the best way to go at the moment. It's understandable that she wants to be your friend, but if you love her and she feels different about you, I don't think its fair for you to hang around just as a friend. I'd say you need to keep no contact until your basically over her, and then see if you still want to be friends. I could be wrong, it all depends on the people involved really.
Author lee123 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Thanks for replying, she texted me today saying she's missed me and stuff. Well my still loving her replyed saying I miss you too, then she's not replyed since :/. Should i just move on? She said she might love me again. I'm so confused . Is no contact what I should do? I can't ignore her how do you guys stop?
Jeff M Stevens Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Sorry man. One chance per woman per lifetime. It's pretty simple. Women that are REALLY IN LOVE with a guy don't yo-yo him. Likely she found some other dude and it didn't work out OR she's trying to make him jealous by still playing with you. Let me emphasize this: SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU. Know how I know that? She broke up with you. Once they do that, they are no longer interested. At age 18 you have a decision to make. Do you want to be in chase mode with non interested women for the rest of your life or do you want to be the guy in control? The way to be in control is to not accept behavior like this and only be with a woman that leaves you NO DOUBT that she wants to be with you. Once they dump you, they're out for life. The good news? You got her so you can get other girls. You DESERVE to get another girl that will treat you right. FORGET this girl. Please.
Author lee123 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Thanks everyone you've really helped but now she wants me back, and says she misses me and loves me. I don't want to be a back up how do I know? :S I'm so confused I wanna be with her again because I love her, but she might do it again :/
Jeff M Stevens Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Oh...she wants you back? Good for her. She obviously failed miserably with the new guy or the dating scene wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Now..here's old reliable.....you. You are nothing more than A BACK UP in this situation. In life you get what you NEGOTIATE, not what you DESERVE. She blew you off, left your relationship for dead and then now wants back in? Think she might do it again? You can COUNT ON IT. If you want to be the back up guy dancing on a pin for life then go back with her. To get a girl that actually treats you the way you deserve to be treated, I've got one word for you related to this girl. NEXT!!!! Please break all contact with her. She does NOT deserve you. Period!
sfl Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Sorry, but Jeff is right. Forget about her IMO.
Author lee123 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 She said it was a mistake to leave me, I don't know if she's using me or she's being genuine so confused, my life fell to bits without her, but I get what you guys are saying. :/ I'm in a torn situation
Nkognito Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 She said it was a mistake to leave me, I don't know if she's using me or she's being genuine so confused, my life fell to bits without her, but I get what you guys are saying. :/ I'm in a torn situation I know what others are saying might be based off their previous experiences but I have read it before from some seasoned members like Don Ho, that if she says "I made a mistake and I want you back". Then its time to start thinking about how this works out. You're going to have to take this with a grain of salt my friend. But you two should meet up. STOP TEXTING because there is nothing emotional about that at all. You need to be face to face and ask her how she is going to earn your trust back. You need to be stronger even though you're only 18. You will go through this heartbreak many times over in your life. But you really have nothing to lose from this, you're not married, you dont have kids and you're not sharing a house or apartment. You're just a kid, not to sound harsh but arrange to meet up with her. LET HER TALK and question how she will earn your trust back. Just know there will be other women in your life besides this one.
Jeff M Stevens Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 ...and for that there can be no recovery and no future relationship. Not to sound harsh but she broke up with you because she thought she could find something better and when she didn't she came back. She WILL go to find something better again and it will be worse next time because she'll know you have no backbone since you took her back once before.
brown03 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Man Jeff stop being so unreasonable like it's nice that you want to be a player and all going from women to women but not everyone is like that man. There have been millions of people who have broken up realized what they lost and got back and live happily ever after. Thing's go wrong in life we turn down wrong roads make mistakes and do stupid thing's that make the relationship uncomfortable and some people can't handle a little heat get scared and leave. Mistakes happen in life and for you to say just because a girl leave's they don't love you is dumb there have been many time's they still love one another and break up maybe because you argue to much because of something happening in your life, Or maybe you cheated, or maybe you didn't have any friends except her and you see way to much of each other. There are so many thing's that can make a person scared and leave. What if she has commitment problems and she got scared and needed a break to think about everything don't listen to him there are many thing's to need a break in a relationship.
Author lee123 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Well she claims she never got anyone else. The problem is she lives not very close so, we see each other like once a week :/. I still dont know what to do.
Jeff M Stevens Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Just so you all know...I'm not trying to be harsh. Let's look at the facts. SHE broke his heart. SHE left without caring if he was happy or devastated. SHE broke the trust. If Lee wants to spend his life in 2nd position with her then that's his business but I'm trying to throw some cold water on him and let him know that he can find BETTER! Brown It's the BOTTOM LINE factor and for the record, I'm a one woman man. Bottom line? If she breaks up with us and we've been good to her, as I assume that our man has been, then bottom line? She's NOT interested in us. Personally I want a woman that I have no doubt about as opposed to one that gives me pause or I have to wonder about her feelings And if she has commitment issues, then I don't want her either. I'm here to be her significant other, not her shrink. However....if you or others can deal with a woman that has low interest level or issues with committing then just realize you're going down a long road. PS...if they live happily ever after its only because the guy is fooling himself that he actually has a trustworthy woman in love with him. There is NO WAY that a normal woman in a normal mental state that is truly interested in a guy can leave him. It's just not possible. Lee I wouldn't believe her if she told me water was wet.
SimonSerenade Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Jeff makes a lot of good points, If you love her then there's no question you should give it another shot, There could be many reasons for why she finished you, Try to find out why those reasons were and see what you can do to make sure they don't rise again, Don't let her back in so easy though mate, Be a man and make sure she knows if she leaves again then your leaving for good, She needs to prove how much her love is worth to you... Good luck mate.
Nkognito Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I don't disagree with any of Jeff's points or anyone else's for that matter. But to Lee who is 18 years old, does not have a stable career, is no where near needing to enter fatherhood and has not even embraced a true life yet. I hate having to keep pointing at your age but Lee, your judgement is clouded, she will break your heart, other girls will do the same. I am 33 years old, that is 15 years older than you, or 5, 475 days. That is a long time. You come to this board talking of this girl like she is your life source but she is not. She might feel like it but this is what we commonly referr to as "oneitis". She is your first and that is sweet but you need to sit down and think about what you want to do in life. What things you want to own, how much money you want to make and what career you want to have. Girls at your time in life should not be a priority and this girl should not have this much control but she is going to because of the sex. Once you get with another girl, you will find it easier to focus on yourself as time goes by and sooner or later you will want to stop when the right girl comes along but you're only 18. You're not even in college yet.
IfiKnewThen Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 i like Nkognito advise and totally agree with it.
Author lee123 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Thanks for your help everyone really appreicate it. I'm giving it another shot her last chance, I hope it works out. I do believe her, but if I found out shes lies about being with someone else I'm gone, I made that clear. Its early days though we'll see what happens
getyourexbacknow Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 You have to figure out what you really want, and in all due respect, at 18 that's not always so clear, and at any age we have many conflicting needs and emotions. I think you need to take some time off and get in touch with what you really need and want in yourself, then you need to communicate it to her. And you need to establish an atmosphere where she can really communicate with you. You're at the age where one of the best things you can do now is learn how to deal with relationships -- I wish I knew then what I know now, and it took me till later in life to really bother to learn more rather than just exist in a world of reactions. You should read some good books about relationships.
IfiKnewThen Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 good decision. dont worry if it works out or not. talk about both of you working it out. and being honest : ) good luck
Author lee123 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Yeah I know I'm only 18, I am at college going to university next year hopefully. (btw I live in the uk) I wouldnt say she's my life, but when we together my grades where good, life was good. When she left I my gradeswere slipping and genially unhappy. However if the worst does happen, I will not let it effect my education or my well being again and I will just go forever. She knows this. She means a lot to me because she was there through the hard times. My operation, the death of my brother and other things :/.
Nkognito Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 My friend, I want you to read this very carefully http://roissy.wordpress.com/2010/09/21/curing-oneitis/
Graceful Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 OF course she wants you back. You didn't grovel, you didn't beg. You had some self-respect. So she's having second thoughts because you didn't sell yourself short. When someone breaks up with you, they do NOT get to decide if they get to be your friend. YOU decide who you consider a friend. And EX is not friendship material, not right away. So that's just out of the question. That's just like someone punching a wound over and over. Listen, you're 18 years old, you're new to all this. So listen up. If you go back with her, you are getting on a merry go round, she'll just jerk you around again, and you'll get hurt again. You're in the driver's seat, and you should stay there. If she wants to talk to you, sure, give her the time. But let her do all the talking. And then tell her you're not interested.
Author lee123 Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) Well had a long talk and she said she just wanted to be friends so she can focus on her studies, we are back together but something doesn't feel the same, we hardly talk and text through the week anymore. Do see each though when we can. Edited November 24, 2010 by lee123
IfiKnewThen Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 i want to give you credit for not throwing your hands up in the air and giving up. i DONT say keep trying and pursuing if she really seems like or says she doesnt want to be with you. at on point you have to walk away. things seem different because she said she wants to be "friends". so thats not romantic. but give it more time..and be her friend and let her be yours and girls find that attactive. someone they can trust and is not always going for the sexual thing and tension. that scares young woman off too. and it should be that in time she will want to be more dating type romantic. dont push her. i wouldnt want my daughter "pushed" hurried. you guys ARE young. trust me you ARE. lol. so with that said. you did good. dont read into to much. be proud opf yourself for taking a chance, whatever the outcome. you will grow to be a better man because of it : )
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