I'm Ready.

[JustWannaStop]

Hi. I've been lurking for about a year now but never posted cuz although I've wanted to stop this affair for a very long time, I haven't been ready. I think I am ready now. The toll is just too much.

 

A quick background: I'm single, he's married. We work together which makes things really suck. He got caught in May. We broke up for 3 months and maintained NC. I took time off of work because I was so devestated. I came back to work the beginning of August and two weeks later we were back at it. He'd only been back home for a month. He is on serious lockdown now so we can only see eachother at work and occasionally after work but not often. He says she's change so much and he is happy with her. They are going to start MC in a couple of weeks. We decided we'd break up when that happened but I can't do this another day. He's home with his wife and kids and he's happy and I'm home alone and miserable. He's off work all week so I won't see him until next Monday. I figure now's as good a time as any to stop this. The time apart will hopefully do me some good.

 

By the way, I have a new job lined up so I will hopefully only be working with him another month or so.

 

I don't know how to do this. When we broke up in May we were forced to. I want out so badly but I feel addicted. Like my screename says, I just wanna stop!

Thanks for reading.

Edited November 23, 2010 by JustWannaStop
additional info

[awkward]

A quick background: I'm single, he's married.

 

No matter how much you love him and how much he loves you, the fact is your boyfriend is married. Only he can change his marital status. You have to decide whether this is a deal breaker or not for you.

 

By the way, I have a new job lined up so I will hopefully only be working with him another month or so.

 

I think you are taking positive steps to move on from this relationship. It will be hard and at times, it might seem easier to dive back in to relieve the pain. But the bottom line is if your boyfriend being married causes you pain, the relief will only be temporary.

 

He's home with his wife and kids and he's happy and I'm home alone and miserable.

 

This is the part you can change. You deserve happiness too. You don't have to wait for Monday. You have an entire week to start living your life in a way that makes you happy.

[OWoman]

He says she's change so much and he is happy with her. They are going to start MC in a couple of weeks. We decided we'd break up when that happened

 

He's happy with her? He's got one helluva way of showing it... I'm sure she'd be delighted to know that he's so happy with her he goes out and shags his colleagues!

 

As for the "we'll keep this up until his MC starts" - WTF?? Basically he's telling you, I like what you're offering, but once I'm under the spotlight I will have to stop because I can't lie with a clear conscience anymore! Why is this all about him?? Since when do you have to be his plaything, at his beck and call as and when it suits him? Are you not allowed any control here? Is it all on his say-so?

 

Do you know if he's planning on coming clean with his W during MC? Perhaps you can make that decision for him, to repay his kindness for all the decisions he's been making for you. Phone her and tell her that he's resumed the A with you during work hours, and that despite you wanting to stop, he's usurped all your power and so you're unable to end things on your own. Tell her that since she's got him on lockdown and he likes that, perhaps she could extend the surveillance to his working hours too - that would protect you from his no-longer-wanted advances, and he'd get more of the lockdown he so enjoys - and she'd get to know that he's not planning on bull****ting her during MC. See? Win all round!

 

You say you're ready? Take back the power!

[siuys]

End this now before you go even more crazy. I agree with OWoman re the "we'll keep this up until his MC starts". Don't be a fool. Ditch him now. Don't give him the satisfaction of screwing you till the last minute he can and then dump you (sorry for being so blunt). Addictive? Yes. Been there. Still there (12 days NC). Read up on addictive relationships. One thing I KNOW - the pain of not being with him will be LESS than being with him. You WILL get withdrawal symptoms and it will drive you crazy for a while, but the diff is there is an end to the suffering.

[OWoman]

the pain of not being with him will be LESS than being with him.

 

No R should put you through the misery you describe.

 

Dump him and reclaim your life!

[greengoddess]

Do you know if he's planning on coming clean with his W during MC? Perhaps you can make that decision for him, to repay his kindness for all the decisions he's been making for you. Phone her and tell her that he's resumed the A with you during work hours, and that despite you wanting to stop, he's usurped all your power and so you're unable to end things on your own. Tell her that since she's got him on lockdown and he likes that, perhaps she could extend the surveillance to his working hours too - that would protect you from his no-longer-wanted advances, and he'd get more of the lockdown he so enjoys - and she'd get to know that he's not planning on bull****ting her during MC. See? Win all round!

 

You say you're ready? Take back the power!

 

LOL dare I say owoman you are beginning to sound like a married woman.

I agree with you. Don't let this woman go into marriage counselling blindsided. Let her know the affair has continued. This woman threw him out and agreed to take him back and go to marriage counselling. She is giving him a second chance. If she knew what he was doing with that second chance there would not be a third. This is usually the dealbreaker. Many can forgive once but not twice after the man has seen the pain of the affair. His marriage is good and yet he is willing to put her through that pain again? Look at the pain he is putting you through too. How dare he start back up with you when he is happy at home.Tell her. Not to be vindictive but to help yourself. It will cause the nc you so desperately need to get over him and you can move on.

 

He is not treating you right. How painful that must be to be told his marriage is good now while he still has you. He's a dick.

[myname]

LOL dare I say owoman you are beginning to sound like a married woman.

I agree with you. Don't let this woman go into marriage counselling blindsided. Let her know the affair has continued. This woman threw him out and agreed to take him back and go to marriage counselling. She is giving him a second chance. If she knew what he was doing with that second chance there would not be a third. This is usually the dealbreaker. Many can forgive once but not twice after the man has seen the pain of the affair. His marriage is good and yet he is willing to put her through that pain again? Look at the pain he is putting you through too. How dare he start back up with you when he is happy at home.Tell her. Not to be vindictive but to help yourself. It will cause the nc you so desperately need to get over him and you can move on.

 

He is not treating you right. How painful that must be to be told his marriage is good now while he still has you. He's a dick.

 

I agree with a lot of this, especially how painful and cruel it is of him to tell you about how good his marriage is now and to try to keep you around for a while before he starts marriage counselling.

 

I don't know about other's experiences, but dealbreakers aren't always dealbreakers, there can be many final last chances, with my affair MM was caught out by his wife 4 or 5 times, and although it was always suggested to be the deal breaker it wasn't, oh yes, the lockdown on his time was implemented, the suspicions and questioning, but they're still living together and he's still trying to contact me.

[greengoddess]

I agree with a lot of this, especially how painful and cruel it is of him to tell you about how good his marriage is now and to try to keep you around for a while before he starts marriage counselling.

 

I don't know about other's experiences, but dealbreakers aren't always dealbreakers, there can be many final last chances, with my affair MM was caught out by his wife 4 or 5 times, and although it was always suggested to be the deal breaker it wasn't, oh yes, the lockdown on his time was implemented, the suspicions and questioning, but they're still living together and he's still trying to contact me.

 

Wow that's a lot of chances. Curious thouh why wuould you give him that many chances? I would think him staying with his wife after being caught would be a dealbreaker for you too. You often see both the ow and the bs keep the jerk after catching him over and over. Why? He must really shovel the crap to both women and they buy what the charmer is selling.

Obviously you finally had enough but why so many chances?

[myname]

Wow that's a lot of chances. Curious thouh why wuould you give him that many chances? I would think him staying with his wife after being caught would be a dealbreaker for you too. You often see both the ow and the bs keep the jerk after catching him over and over. Why? He must really shovel the crap to both women and they buy what the charmer is selling.

Obviously you finally had enough but why so many chances?

 

Well mainly so many chances because I hadn't initially said you have to leave her, it's her or me, or anything like that, so him getting caught and staying there was not a deal breaker for me. Sometimes it hurt that he stayed, that his energy was poured into that relationship, sometimes he was very charming with me, very attentive, made me feel special and so as I hadn't made any ultimatums, hadn't said this is your last chance etc I didn't feel I was giving him chance after chance. In the end, yes I had enough of things going nowhere, no future, no plans.

[OWoman]

LOL dare I say owoman you are beginning to sound like a married woman.

 

TBH my comments weren't motivated by concern for the BW, though - they were motivated by outrage at the way this guy is JWS and expecting her to be at his beck and call as suits him. Nobody deserves that, and nobody needs to put up with it. JWS deserves to regain control over her own life, and if others benefit through that too, what's the problem?

[JustWannaStop]

HDo you know if he's planning on coming clean with his W during MC? Perhaps you can make that decision for him, to repay his kindness for all the decisions he's been making for you. Phone her and tell her that he's resumed the A with you during work hours, and that despite you wanting to stop, he's usurped all your power and so you're unable to end things on your own. Tell her that since she's got him on lockdown and he likes that, perhaps she could extend the surveillance to his working hours too - that would protect you from his no-longer-wanted advances, and he'd get more of the lockdown he so enjoys - and she'd get to know that he's not planning on bull****ting her during MC.!

 

I have threatened to tell her but he told me he'd have nothing to lose if I ruined his marriage and would do something bad to get back at me. He asked if I like my cats which to me is a threat against them (he knows how much I love them).

He won't come clean to her. We were planning on breaking up when I started my new job but then he told me they're starting MC and I decided I couldn't go on with him knowing he's actively working on his marriage. I don't want to wait until MC or my new job. I'm done. Today's day 1 of NC. It's hard but so much easier having the suport of this board. Thank you so much for replying!

[JustWannaStop]

He is not treating you right. How painful that must be to be told his marriage is good now while he still has you. He's a dick.

 

It's very painful. He has always been too honest about how his marriage is now. It's no secret that they have sex, share a bed and do alot of things together. He reminds me how good she is to him and how much she has changed. He said that he feels very guilty now for cheating on her but having an "end date" with me alleviates the guilt cuz he knows it will end.

 

As far as exposing him, I get the feeling that she may have recieved some recent photos of us. I haven't heard anything yet though. He says everything is fine at home.

[JustWannaStop]

I don't know about other's experiences, but dealbreakers aren't always dealbreakers, there can be many final last chances, with my affair MM was caught out by his wife 4 or 5 times, and although it was always suggested to be the deal breaker it wasn't, oh yes, the lockdown on his time was implemented, the suspicions and questioning, but they're still living together and he's still trying to contact me.

 

I think she is the type to take him back over and over again. She'll probably just put a GPS in his car and make him wear a chastity belt! Lol. She is very relgious, a "Godly" woman as he calls her. She prays and fasts and is very much into the church. I think she wants to be a "good Christian wife" and forgive him and stand by him. She makes me sick. He makes me sick. I make me sick.

[JustWannaStop]

TBH my comments weren't motivated by concern for the BW, though - they were motivated by outrage at the way this guy is JWS and expecting her to be at his beck and call as suits him. Nobody deserves that, and nobody needs to put up with it. JWS deserves to regain control over her own life, and if others benefit through that too, what's the problem?

 

What does JWS mean? I know there's a post that goes over all these but I'm lazy

I NEED all of you to give it to me straight. I need to be told the truth about this man even if it hurts. He is like so many others I've read about on here. Be harsh! I NEED it! My life is out of control. I didn't mention this but I have a drug problem. I was clean before we got back together. I was running daily, being a good mom, working hard. I was happy but I missed him.

Now I am back on drugs, as is he. I haven't seen my daughter in a week. I cry everyday. I don't exercise or eat well. I slack off at work. Nothing brings me joy or happiness except for him which I know isn't true happiness. My life sucks and I am wasting it on a fantasy that will never come true....and even if it did, even if we were together one day, he's probably no he would definitely cheat on me. This is a dead end. I want my life back.

[JustWannaStop]

( I will start of by saying that I am a wife who's husband cheated on her..but I hope that you still take the time to read my response)

QUOTE]

 

Of course I will read your post! Thank you for replying. I need to hear from woman who have been betrayed. Right now I don't feel guilty or bad for her but I really want to! I know she is a good person and doesn't deserve this. I want to know what my being involved with her husband has done. I need to know how much this hurts. So I want BS's to talk to me and knock some sense into me. I don't like who I've become. Yet I continue.

 

My dad cheated on my mom when I was 12 and I saw what she went through. Why the eff would I do that to another woman after seeing her go through so much pain?

 

I just want someone, anyone. And he was there. I have no self confidence or sense of self worth. And as long as I stay with him I won't get any either.

 

Thank you so much for reading my post anf replying.

[JustWannaStop]

No R should put you through the misery you describe.

 

Dump him and reclaim your life!

 

 

I did yesterday. Today is day one of NC. I blocked his email address and his phone number. He won't be back at work until Monday so I'll have some time away to hopefully start getting over him. Time away will help and so will reaching out for help like I finally did when I joined this board. I can avoid him at work as much as possible but we will run into eachother. It's inevitable. Luckily I have a new job lined up and will be outta here in about a month!

[siuys]

JWS, walk away NOW! I gave up smoking for years only to smoke again some time during this f*cked up R! Like you, I was running, working, living my life, healthy, and doing the things I love. Then bang! WTF happened?! I have a new addiction – exMM! So unhealthy, warped yet I was (and still is, tho' much less) obsessing about him and HIS frigging every move!

 

Regain your life. NC is the ONLY way. Work on writing him off for good. Do whatever it takes.

 

I'm on Day 12 NC only but have been doing a lot of work on myself. Also grieving this stupid A. Working out what to do if he does contact me.

 

The pain WILL go away and will lessen once you leave, and once you start NC. it will NOT go away and your life will be f*cked up as long as you stay. You have a new job lined up - a perfect time.

 

Do it now! Get your power back and screw the bastard.

[JustWannaStop]

What does JWS mean? I know there's a post that goes over all these but I'm lazy

 

Nevermind! I figured out that JWS is me! Omg I am so brain dead lately.

[JustWannaStop]

JWS, walk away NOW! I gave up smoking for years only to smoke again some time during this f*cked up R! Like you, I was running, working, living my life, healthy, and doing the things I love. Then bang! WTF happened?! I have a new addiction – exMM! So unhealthy, warped yet I was (and still is, tho' much less) obsessing about him and HIS frigging every move!

 

Regain your life. NC is the ONLY way. Work on writing him off for good. Do whatever it takes.

 

I'm on Day 12 NC only but have been doing a lot of work on myself. Also grieving this stupid A. Working out what to do if he does contact me.

 

The pain WILL go away and will lessen once you leave, and once you start NC. it will NOT go away and your life will be f*cked up as long as you stay. You have a new job lined up - a perfect time.

 

Do it now! Get your power back and screw the bastard.

 

 

Thank you for the encouraging words. I have done NC before with my ex husband and it worked wonders. The instant I started talking to him everything went to sh*t. NC is the only way I can get my life back. I'm trying to be easy on myself and letting myself cry, sleep, pig out and be lazy if I need to be. I need to do these things for a few daye but hopefully as time goes on I'll feel stronger and less depressed an be able to start doing the things I once enjoyed. I'm weaning myself off the drugs and I know that's messing with my head as well. I just need to be loving and gentle with myself.

[siuys]

JWS, like me, you know what you need to do. By no means easy I understand. I so want this stage to be over and feel normal and happy again. But i know I cannot rush it unfortunately. And I agree, you have to be easy and kind to yourself. I cannot stop smoking yet as I've got MM-addiction to first get rid of! Bloody hell. All the best.

[JustWannaStop]

JWS, like me, you know what you need to do. By no means easy I understand. I so want this stage to be over and feel normal and happy again. But i know I cannot rush it unfortunately. And I agree, you have to be easy and kind to yourself. I cannot stop smoking yet as I've got MM-addiction to first get rid of! Bloody hell. All the best.

 

Yes nothing quite like quitting two addictions at the same time!

[JustWannaStop]

 

 

Please, please , please stop beating up on yourself like this... you made some choices that weren't the right ones for you, but you are not a bad person and I hate that his actions are contributing to making you feel so badly about yourself. How can someone make someone they claim to love feel this way? It's just cruel.

 

Please take a good look in the mirror and allow yourself to like to person you see looking back at you... you DO NOT deserve to feel this bad and for what it's worth, my advice to you is to kick his butt right out of your life and starting learning to love yourself again. you do not deserve the kind of harsh treatment you are putting yourself through right now.

 

( bTW, I most certainly do not agree with affairs, but I also do not agree with people making themselves feel like crap. To put it bluntly- you made some mistakes, so go and fix them and then start feeling better about yourself ... you deserve to be happy and guilt free!)

 

Thank you. I've really never had great self esteem but this affair has made it worse. I guess in order to get self esteem I have to do things that are esteemable. I can't feel good about myself when I am doing something that I feel is wrong. I've kicked him out of my life again today. I blocked his cell # and email address. I will avoid him at work on Monday and just take it one day at a time. There isn't much of a thrill anymore and quite frankly I am sick of putting myself in a position to be hurt and to hurt others. This affair is long overdue to end. It should have never started in the first place. But like you said I made a mistake and can recover from it and learn from it and NOT repeat it.

[whichwayisup]

 

Thank you. I've really never had great self esteem but this affair has made it worse. I guess in order to get self esteem I have to do things that are esteemable. I can't feel good about myself when I am doing something that I feel is wrong. I've kicked him out of my life again today. I blocked his cell # and email address. I will avoid him at work on Monday and just take it one day at a time. There isn't much of a thrill anymore and quite frankly I am sick of putting myself in a position to be hurt and to hurt others. This affair is long overdue to end. It should have never started in the first place. But like you said I made a mistake and can recover from it and learn from it and NOT repeat it.

 

All the more reason to do your absolute best to stay strong and be NC mode with him as much as you can, only talk to him about work related issues.

 

This is doing so much damage to you, as you're fully aware.

 

You will hurt for a while, but this hurt WILL end, it won't be the ongoing pain you've been feeling for a long time. The pain is grieving, and letting go, the finality of it all which will help you heal. That in itself is a good thing, for you.

 

Spend time with good friends, family and those who really care about you! Those make you laugh, feel good about you! It's time to rebuild your self esteem. A day at the spa, shopping and a new haircut so YOU feel good about YOU!

[newpriorities]

 

Thank you. I've really never had great self esteem but this affair has made it worse. I guess in order to get self esteem I have to do things that are esteemable. I can't feel good about myself when I am doing something that I feel is wrong. I've kicked him out of my life again today. I blocked his cell # and email address. I will avoid him at work on Monday and just take it one day at a time. There isn't much of a thrill anymore and quite frankly I am sick of putting myself in a position to be hurt and to hurt others. This affair is long overdue to end. It should have never started in the first place. But like you said I made a mistake and can recover from it and learn from it and NOT repeat it.

 

Wow, you are an incredibly strong person and your plate is very full... Isn't it so wrong that these relationships bring out something so negative in us? Whether it is addiction or lowered self-esteem or the complete loss of identity or self-respect? I mean seriously, how unhealthy is this? I don't even recognize myself anymore. And you! You were being so healthy and good to yourself and yet this relationship took you to a place where you became unhealthy and unrecognizable! How awful! and this is not love and health!

I am sending positive reinforcement your way because you are doing an awesome job!

[JustWannaStop]

 

Wow, you are an incredibly strong person and your plate is very full... Isn't it so wrong that these relationships bring out something so negative in us? Whether it is addiction or lowered self-esteem or the complete loss of identity or self-respect? I mean seriously, how unhealthy is this? I don't even recognize myself anymore. And you! You were being so healthy and good to yourself and yet this relationship took you to a place where you became unhealthy and unrecognizable! How awful! and this is not love and health!

I am sending positive reinforcement your way because you are doing an awesome job!

 

Thanks! I don't feel strong nor do I feel like I am doing good but maybe I am and just don't see it yet I just went to Barnes & Noble and bought two books to keep me busy. One is called "Will He Really Leave Her For Me" (NO! He won't!) and the other is called "Self Esteem" (I have none so hopefully this will help me find it!) Reading, journaling and hanging out on LS will be instrumental to my success I think. Like you I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't like who I've become. I want the old me back. I miss her.