northern_sky Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 It certainly exists, but I feel like it's more common for emotions to be out of synch. One person cares when the other doesn't want them. Then that person starts caring and the other withdraws. Why is this? Is it just human nature to want what we can't have?
Pyro Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Perhaps its due to the fact that we are picking the wrong type of people; people whom we are not compatible with. Seems that people hate to be alone so instead they settle for someone even if they have very little compatibility.
Jannah Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I'm not sure I agree that requited love is less common than unrequited love on a global scale... Do you believe that it is?
Titania22 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 It certainly exists, but I feel like it's more common for emotions to be out of synch. One person cares when the other doesn't want them. Then that person starts caring and the other withdraws. Why is this? Is it just human nature to want what we can't have? I don't know why this is, but it certainly has been my experience. I have no idea what has to change to change that outcome. If it was something personal and I could change it I would. But I know there are lots of people who by the time they are in their 40's or 50's have given up on relationships and love completely. I'm not sure I agree that requited love is less common than unrequited love on a global scale... Do you believe that it is? I believe it is. And it's like people get into relationships and don't love the other person, but love goes up and down. We don't all the time feel loving, and that is what is out of sync in many relationships.
Surrealist Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I don't know why this is, but it certainly has been my experience. I have no idea what has to change to change that outcome. If it was something personal and I could change it I would. But I know there are lots of people who by the time they are in their 40's or 50's have given up on relationships and love completely. I've only just turned 40 and I've pretty much given up. Certainly not proactive that's for sure.
lovebitme Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 That's been the story of my life. Those that want me I don't want......and those that I want don't want me. So I'm single.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I've experienced unrequited love, but the deepest love I've experienced by far has been mutual. In fact, by comparison the "unrequited" variety appears not to have been real love at all. More like an infatuation.
Knittress Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I've experienced unrequited love, but the deepest love I've experienced by far has been mutual. In fact, by comparison the "unrequited" variety appears not to have been real love at all. More like an infatuation. This has been my experience as well. But even so, it's expected and normal to have periods of sappiness and pulling back emotionally within such a relationship. People grow and change, hopefully together, yay for that.
EasyHeart Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 It certainly exists, but I feel like it's more common for emotions to be out of synch. One person cares when the other doesn't want them. Then that person starts caring and the other withdraws. Why is this? Is it just human nature to want what we can't have?(1) You're confusing love and attraction; they are very different things. Teenagers fall in 'love' with every cute person they meet and unfortunately, many people never outgrow that stage of life. (2) The pursue/retreat dynamic you describe in your post is the hallmark of emotionally unhealthy people. If a healthy person meets an unhealthy person who starts acting this way, the healthy person simply walks away because they realize the two of them are incompatible. But if two unhealthy people meet, they feed off of each others' insecurities and you get this twisted push-pull type of relationship that you describe.
OceanGirl Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I've only just turned 40 and I've pretty much given up. Certainly not proactive that's for sure. Cheers, I am giving up too.
somedude81 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 At 29, I have yet to experience reciprocated romantic love. There have been many women that I have been infatuated with, but the interest has never been returned. Now I've come to the place where I believe that there is something horribly wrong with me and that I will never be happy. If all I can look forward to in life is a constant string of unrequited loves, then there just isn't any point.
Eeyore79 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I am 31, and I think I may be experiencing reciprocated romantic love for the first time I'm dating someone who I'm crazy about, and who seems equally keen on me. Time will tell, I guess. Before that, I felt love for two other people who didn't love me back, and I think there were about half a dozen people who felt love for me which I did not reciprocate, plus a few relationships where there was no real love on either side. The lack of a reciprocal relationship between us makes me doubt if it was even love; it was probably merely infatuation and wishful thinking on either my part or theirs.
make me believe Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 (1) You're confusing love and attraction; they are very different things. Teenagers fall in 'love' with every cute person they meet and unfortunately, many people never outgrow that stage of life. (2) The pursue/retreat dynamic you describe in your post is the hallmark of emotionally unhealthy people. If a healthy person meets an unhealthy person who starts acting this way, the healthy person simply walks away because they realize the two of them are incompatible. But if two unhealthy people meet, they feed off of each others' insecurities and you get this twisted push-pull type of relationship that you describe. This is a GREAT post, particularly point #2! northern_sky, whenever I read a thread of yours you describe these scenarios that just aren't that common, IMO. I simply don't see this stuff happening very much in my life or in my friends' lives. Sure, sometimes there's some unrequited "love" drama, but healthy people just won't put up with the push-pull bullsh*t that you describe. When I was single, if I was interested in a guy and he wasn't interested in me, I moved on! If my moving on suddenly piqued his interest, it was all the more reason for me to KEEP MOVING! I don't want a guy who is only interested in me only when he can't have me. I totally agree with what easyheart said above. Emotionally healthy people don't get themselves involved in situations like this.
Surrealist Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 (1) You're confusing love and attraction; they are very different things. Teenagers fall in 'love' with every cute person they meet and unfortunately, many people never outgrow that stage of life. I agree, but surely you would also acknowledge that romantic love requires at least some attraction? I've had a couple of women exhibit their attraction to me that I could never ever reciprocate their flirts or date. No attraction is just no go even if there was compatibility in most areas of life. Incidentally I'm sitting right next to one at work as I type who I have had to ignore completely so as not to give her any sign of interest. She still peeks over at me across the divider when she gets up to go or returns and I find it very creepy!
DollWelch Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Cheers, I am giving up too. Me too. (Character Limit)
xpaperxcutx Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 (1) You're confusing love and attraction; they are very different things. Teenagers fall in 'love' with every cute person they meet and unfortunately, many people never outgrow that stage of life. (2) The pursue/retreat dynamic you describe in your post is the hallmark of emotionally unhealthy people. If a healthy person meets an unhealthy person who starts acting this way, the healthy person simply walks away because they realize the two of them are incompatible. But if two unhealthy people meet, they feed off of each others' insecurities and you get this twisted push-pull type of relationship that you describe. +1 I loved this post because it spoke the truth. Sky you should read 2 and write it down.
somedude81 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 ...I think there were about half a dozen people who felt love for me which I did not reciprocate... I'm obviously biased, but this seems to be a very common occurrence. Boy likes girl, girl doesn't like boy. More often than not, the two are "friends" but the guy can be completely in love with her, and she thinks sleeping with him, is as appealing as sleeping with a brother. Why does this keep happening? Who is at fault here? The men for falling for women they are close to, or the women for being indifferent? Nobody can control who they like. I can't control who I fall for, and she can't control the fact that she feels nothing for me.
Green Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I'm obviously biased, but this seems to be a very common occurrence. Boy likes girl, girl doesn't like boy. More often than not, the two are "friends" but the guy can be completely in love with her, and she thinks sleeping with him, is as appealing as sleeping with a brother. Why does this keep happening? Who is at fault here? The men for falling for women they are close to, or the women for being indifferent? Nobody can control who they like. I can't control who I fall for, and she can't control the fact that she feels nothing for me. I've reached a point in my life where I'm not worried about this type of thing in the way you are. As a man you are more equiped to make a girl cry then the other way around. You're tough they arnt...
somedude81 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I've reached a point in my life where I'm not worried about this type of thing in the way you are. Of course you're not. You got into a happy relationship at a fairly young age. There are many men just like me, who are still trying to get our first relationship, and we are just getting older and older. As a man you are more equiped to make a girl cry then the other way around. You're tough they arnt...I think you're backwards. Women have the power. How can they not, when they can basically get whatever they want, whenever they want it? The only way I can see myself making a girl cry, and not through physical violence, is to do something "mean" to her when she really cared about me. Since getting a girl to give a damn about me in the first place is really hard, I can't imagine somebody crying over me.
Green Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Of course you're not. You got into a happy relationship at a fairly young age. My first relationship was at 22 and it ended bad how has luck got anything to do with that? yes I'm currently in a relationship but it takes work and if I had your mind set it wouldn't work. I can't be in a relationship afraid of it ending. If it ended I'd be fine. (not that I expect or want it to end) There are many men just like me, who are still trying to get our first relationship, and we are just getting older and older. I think you're backwards. Women have the power. How can they not, when they can basically get whatever they want, whenever they want it? Women have the power? You gave it to them by going online and doing online dating, by being afraid to ask our large numbers of attractive women (yes you see on average atleast 20 attractive women probably A LOT MORE... ask them out and play the numbers game they never will) The only way I can see myself making a girl cry' date=' and not through physical violence, is to do something "mean" to her when she really cared about me. Since getting a girl to give a damn about me in the first place is really hard, I can't imagine somebody crying over me. [/quote'] Look just trust me, girls will cry when you get in an argument with them if you've been dating them long enough. Its like "stop crying" "I can't help it" (guys on this site who have had gf's will back me up on this if you refuse to take my word) The point is YOUR A MAN now start acting like one. STOP LISTENING TO THE NEGATIVE VOICE in your HEAD and BE YOURSELF for a change in your life and AGRESSIVLEY and ACTIVLY TRY and GO after the things you've wanted for so long INCLUDING women. (ones you find 100% attractive NO SETTLING)
somedude81 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 My first relationship was at 22 and it ended bad how has luck got anything to do with that? Where did I mention luck? Even if it did end badly, you still got the experience and the confidence and you were able to make your next one work. yes I'm currently in a relationship but it takes work and if I had your mind set it wouldn't work. I can't be in a relationship afraid of it ending. If it ended I'd be fine. (not that I expect or want it to end) I don't have a clue at all how relationships work. Yes I have a very poor mindset, but it won't always be this way, especially if I actually get what I want. Right now, I have what I can only describe as a dark shadow looming over me. It's just feeding me negativity. I honestly don't expect my first relationship to last all that long. But that doesn't mean it won't be worth it. I just want to be happy for once in my life. Women have the power? You gave it to them by going online and doing online dating, by being afraid to ask our large numbers of attractive women (yes you see on average atleast 20 attractive women probably A LOT MORE... ask them out and play the numbers game they never will) I want to get a know a woman a little bit before I ask her out. But it's also very draining to get to know somebody, and have them reject you. That doesn't disprove that women have the power. A woman who puts zero effort into her appearance will still have more options in a month, than I ever will in my entire life time. Look just trust me, girls will cry when you get in an argument with them if you've been dating them long enough. Its like "stop crying" "I can't help it" (guys on this site who have had gf's will back me up on this if you refuse to take my word)I have no experience, so I can't comment. The point is YOUR A MAN now start acting like one. STOP LISTENING TO THE NEGATIVE VOICE in your HEAD and BE YOURSELF for a change in your life and AGRESSIVLEY and ACTIVLY TRY and GO after the things you've wanted for so long INCLUDING women. (ones you find 100% attractive NO SETTLING)The negative voice in my head, is the only voice. It's hard not to listen to it, when I know it's right. As for being myself, I don't know who I am. I've been depressed for so long, I know this can't be the real me. I do go after what I want. But I keep getting shot down or they were never available in the first place.
Green Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Somedude a woman created this thread "why is reciprocated romantic love les common?" you know what this means... SHE HAS THE SAME PROBLEM YOU DO... Obviously a WEAK woman will have it easer then a WEAK man... but you don't have to be WEAK... be STRONG loose your FEAR I'm telling you its as easy as listening to YOUR TRUE SELF. I hear the advice you give other posters... like that guy who had a step sister who was crushing on him... you said something along the line of "I would so be doing her right now" or something like that... YOU WERE AGRESSIVE... ur advice is often AGRESSIVE... that is when you arn't feeling sorry for urself. YOU GOT THIS. you know what to do the same way the OP knows what to do but just creates her own CAGE... You have created ur own CAGE .. time to break free live in the here and now. I didn't have a gf until I was 22 because I was AFRAID TO TRY. But when I started ASKING GIRLS OUT and KISSING THEM and being AGRESSIVE... you know reaching my hand down there pants and making them wet... well IT WAS FUN........... LEARN TO HAVE FUN AGAIN>......... dating isn't about sitting there wanting to be reasured that you are accepted... there is no point in a relationship where its like OK SHE WILL NEVER DUMP ME (even after you are married) You need to just be comfortable BEING YOU and not making it about other people and their acceptance or rejection.
Els Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I'm obviously biased, but this seems to be a very common occurrence. Boy likes girl, girl doesn't like boy. More often than not, the two are "friends" but the guy can be completely in love with her, and she thinks sleeping with him, is as appealing as sleeping with a brother. Why does this keep happening? Who is at fault here? The men for falling for women they are close to, or the women for being indifferent? Nobody can control who they like. I can't control who I fall for, and she can't control the fact that she feels nothing for me. You're deluded if you think it only happens to men. I'm sure everyone (and I do mean everyone) past the age of 21 or so, of BOTH genders, has had a crush that wasn't reciprocated before. It's just life. Note that we are talking about relationships/love here (as per the thread title), and not just ONS/FWB/lust.
somedude81 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) I know it happens to women as well. But it's not as common. I think the ratio is something like, for every one unrequited love she has for a guy, three guys have it for her. But it could be much more lopsided. Heck, I think I had about 15 cases of unrequited love throughout my life. Meaning I've had huge crushes on about 15 different girls from ages 13 to 29 and they all rejected me. While I've only heard of four girls being interested in me. One I didn't hear about till years later when the girl's friend told me. Of the three who told me, I gave two of them a shot, and they ultimately rejected me. That last girl was simply undateable. Women have guys crushing on them, all the time. Many guys keep it to themselves and just don't let her know. hear the advice you give other posters... like that guy who had a step sister who was crushing on him... you said something along the line of "I would so be doing her right now" or something like that... YOU WERE AGRESSIVE That's because the girl was obviously into him. If I knew that a girl was into me, damn right I'd be aggressive. It's a low risk situation. As I stated in my post, girls are very rarely into me, so I can't be aggressive when all it's going to do is make them mad. Edited November 24, 2010 by somedude81
EasyHeart Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I agree, but surely you would also acknowledge that romantic love requires at least some attraction? I've had a couple of women exhibit their attraction to me that I could never ever reciprocate their flirts or date. No attraction is just no go even if there was compatibility in most areas of life. Incidentally I'm sitting right next to one at work as I type who I have had to ignore completely so as not to give her any sign of interest. She still peeks over at me across the divider when she gets up to go or returns and I find it very creepy!Absolutely! But attraction is just the first stage, and it's mostly hormonal, even if we try to rationalize it as something more. But that's not "love". I think a lot of people who have a lot of short relationships that start fast and end fast think that's "love". It's not. It's just infatuation. Love is a combination of emotional intimacy and shared values, and it takes a long time to develop. There's no such thing as love at first sight.
Recommended Posts