Not coping in a relationship with an OH who travels a lot:(

[ladybasque]

I seriously need some advice but I suspect I might be told I know the answer to this. Basically about 6 months ago I started seeing a guy whom I met through a well known internet dating site after we'd been chatting/e-mailing/texting for about 6 weeks previous. We hit it off the first time we spent a day together and have been together since.

 

However, my OH has a job within the music and entertainment industry with his own business and travels/tours overseas a lot. Since I've known him he has been to about 25 different countries with shows or gigs, I've lost count now. When home he also lives about 50 miles from me and since we've been together he's not once been to stay with me at my place, I've always gone to his. OK, so he has his own apartment and I've been in between places (I'm having to move as my Mum has been ill and I want to move closer to her) but for several months we have been together I've had my own house or apartment for him to come to mine. I've lost count of the amount of money I've spent on fuel to drive to his.

 

Also, in the time we've been together he's never met my Mum and step-father and only two of my friends very briefly. Whilst he's away he probably on average sends me about one SMS per day and during his last trip never once called me (he was away 5 days). I like this guy but the lack of communication and effort on his part is starting to get me down. My Mum recently had a heart attack so I needed to take time off to be around. She had to go to the ED and then got admitted to hospital. I was absolutely petrified that something was going to happen as her sister suffered the same last year and unfortunately died in hospital when she was having treatment. Not once did he come to be by my side for support. He rang me once I'd SMSed him to tell him I couldn't go over that night and see him but nothing more than that really. He mentioned once it's expensive to call or SMS from abroad when he's working but then I see he goes on the dreaded root of all evil, Facebook to update his status or make comments from his phone. Great, thanks.

 

He is totally embarrassed by the fact we met through internet dating (it doesn't bother me whatsoever, I work unsocial hours and am fairly new to the area, hence I did it) and won't tell anyone how we came to be a couple. Only the other day some of his work colleagues were apparently slating internet dating and saying it was for 'sad' people. And to get back to the dreaded Facebook, pathetic as I may sound, his relationship status still remains as single. I asked him why once and he said it was because he didn't want all and sundry knowing about his private life but then again why be on Facebook at all? He seems to communicate with people on there more than he does with me, his girlfriend.

 

He called me today as he is home. I've left it a couple of days without contact as I've been quite fed up with it all. Don't get me wrong this guy is a perfect gent when I see him, he cooks for me, treats me well, is affectionate and when we go out he insists on paying for everything. He has old fashioned manners but he just doesn't seem bothered about my life at times. Messages from him always seem to be about what his day has been like, his work, I feel he really knows nothing about me.

 

Am I being completely taken for granted here? I've tried to approach the situation about coming to see me but I just get 'we've been through this before, it's hard for me to come to you when I'm home because i'm hardly ever here'. Like I say I like the guy but unless he makes a radical change I can't keep going with this lack of communication/effort/support, it's exhausting. I crave affection and need to feel I'm part of his life. I miss him so much when he's away but I hardly hear from him. Am I being unreasonable to expect more than one SMS per day? Just wondering whether I should cut my losses to save any heartache and resentment in the long run.

 

Any advice from folk who are or have been in the same situation?

[folieadeux]

Welcome!

 

I just want to first say that our situations are very similar. My SO and I are both musicians. We met at a show in New York and have been together ever since (we both reside in the States in different parts of the country). He tours and I do not. We both have our "regular" jobs during the day and he plays gigs every weekend, Friday through Sunday. It can be hectic at times, but we manage to make it work. Contrary to popular belief, it can be done if both parties involved want it bad enough.

 

Your SO being on tour will inevitably come with its' own set of unique challenges, but trust me it can be done. If you get nothing else from my post, I hope you can take some comfort in that. I've been in and around this lifestyle for most of my life and can assure you that it's not as glamorous as people portray it to be. Our SO's much rather be at home with us most days.

 

With that being said, the red flag I see here is not that he is away alot, but that he is refusing to acknowledge your relationship in the same way you are. You met online. So what? Millions of people do it everyday (with success!) and internet dating doesn't really have the stigma attached to it as it did in its' infancy. We're all adults, he shouldn't be embarrassed by such a trivial detail and feel the need to defend how you met to others.

 

The relationship also seems to be very one-sided. The fact that you're the one doing all the traveling and initiating contact isn't right at all. And he also doesn't seem to be very emotionally supportive either. Bottom line, your needs aren't being met. I would suggest sitting down and having a chat about everything you posted here. If he's unwilling to change, then I'd definitely reconsider where this relationship is going.

 

Have things always been like this when you first met? Or has there been a steady decline in communication?

Edited November 23, 2010 by folieadeux

[creighton0123]

Ask yourself this:

 

If you met this man in any other way and are not romantically involved with him - if he was just an acquaintance - would you count him as a good friend?

 

Personality wise, you seem like someone who desires and requires a certain level of support and communication with your partner. If this is absent in local relationships, it is difficult. It becomes infinitely more difficult if absent in long distance relationships.

 

You raised a number of red flags that need addressing and two white flags that needs ignoring:

 

1 (white flag). You are in a long distance relationship. I would count it as this because of the 50 mile distance + the time he spends abroad. Given that you are the one left behind and he is the one traveling, you should respect the fact that you have to travel more when he is home. Flipping the switch and putting yourself in his shoes, imagine how exhausted you would feel if you spend so much time on the road for business and then have to travel more to see the person you care about when you're home. IMO, traveling to him, despite fuel costs, is an acceptable sacrifice in sustaining a long distance relationship. 50 miles isn't that far.

 

2 (white flag). Facebook status + facebook update. Depending on the hardware he is using, chances are that he can just pick up a wifi spot and update his facebook status for free. With international plans, text messaging is also pretty cheap depending on where he is. I wouldn't worry about his being marked as "single" on facebook. He may be using Facebook for a combination personal + business, especially in the music/entertainment industry. He also sounds like a very private person. That would be a character trait of his that you should either accept or reject. There are only a certain number of character traits one should reject before you realize that a relationship wouldn't work.

 

3 (red flag). Embarrassed by Internet dating services. Welcome to the new wave of the future. With more and more people sustaining full-time careers, Internet dating is much more common and nothing to be embarrassed about. Anyone who makes negative comments regarding personalities of those who select Internet dating need to grow up.

 

4 (red flag). He called you and you ignored it for a couple of days. That raises some concerns you need to think through. You've been together for six months. His time at home is limited. If there is some level of angst that would cause you to sacrifice face-to-face time to discuss things openly and honestly, it seems like there are other things to work out.

 

5 (red flag). No end date. You've been dating for six months and he travels excessively as a part of his career. Are you prepared to be in it for the long haul, knowing that his career isn't going to change any time soon? Even if you move close to him, are you prepared to sustain his work-related absences? I know many couples who are able and willing. I also know more couples who are incapable of enduring through the instability of consistent and prolonged absence.

 

6 (red flag). His involvement in your life. You sound like you need a partner who will be there for you. Do you feel as though he is that partner? With his career choice, do you think he could ever be that partner?

 

There are multiple methods of communication (I order them based on what my boyfriend and I find most useful):

 

1. Skype with webcam (at least twice a week)

2. Skype with voice chat (at least three times a week)

3. IM chat (at least four times a week)

4. Email to him (We've agreed that he can read, but doesn't have to respond)

5. Written letter (very rarely)

 

That being said, you had mentioned that you receive one SMS a day. I assume you mean that you don't expect it, but you receive it whenever he remembers to send it. You need to ask him, then. Can he be consistent in communication when abroad? Your original post made it seem as though you are making all of the changes, most of the sacrifices. Perhaps you should have a long talk with him about meeting you half way...

 

He is currently your lover. You need him to be both lover and friend. The former is easy enough. It's the latter that he needs to accommodate.

 

I could also have it completely wrong, but only hope to help.

 

-RJ