Do men prefer to sleep with lots of women that mean nothing,or be in a relationship?

November 23, 2010

Well, like I said, not all of them adhere to the "single for life" mantra. Many of them simply just enjoy the bachelor life more and aren't willing to sign into marriage in their mid to late 20s the way many in the past expected of them.

I've seen many guys who say they would like to settle down in life, but think "near 40" is the ideal time. Until then they want to get their lives going in their early 20s, and then perhaps enjoy those times when they have money and are young and single. So they want to be able to play X-Box all night on a weeknight or watch football all weekend or go out and pick up some random girl to bang...and not have some girlfriend around nagging them.

I've seen some of these guys eventually meet someone they like and marry them, while others tend to get too comfy in their bachelor lifestyle...and thus make excuses when people ask them if they would settle down. Suddenly it seems no girl is "good enough" for them.

Well (and I've heard women complain about this), men do tend to look better as they age. Lord knows I had better luck with women in my 30s than I ever did in my 20s. I do remember a few guys who are in their late 40s and even early 50s...and are still "playas" to a degree.

One of them can still pick up hot 20something girls, but he preys on golddiggers and uses them. He is a EVP of an ad agency who lives in a luxury condo and drives a Porche. The other owns many bars and a few nightclubs. He might not be able to pick up 20somethings, but he does find plenty of pretty 30 and 40 somethings he can lure into bed. Not all women "grow out of that phase" after all.

From what I've seen, some of those guys marry, some simply take a "step down", so instead of the aspiring model or the hot cocktail waitress they are instead dating/banging the older, slender diner waitress. My uncle is like this I'm embarrassed to say.

You're very right...which is why I pointed out how there are guys who were very relationship minded, but they got burned a few times and thus changed. They stopped trusting women and even grew to hate them...thus they see "pump and dump" as revenge. They see it as getting what they want and denying them the very thing they want.

Some. Some fall in love, lower their guard, and give things a real shot. Some simply go look at other things than sex...and stop worrying or caring if they have someone. Others grow old and bitter.

My key point to my other reply is simply to yet again try to disparage women from believing they can "beat the odds". Look at it this way, if the guy has pumped and dumped 100 different women, would any woman really want to make a husband out of him? Say he was as hot as a male celebrity (pick one) and wealthy with amazing charm and charisma...but he's been pumping and dumping women like crazy, would a sensible woman want to try to make a husband out of that?

I know the insecure and naive women will try, because like the nice guys who chase shallow bitches, they only see what they want to see. A few girls I've known who were burned (even knocked up) by some playas always spoke of how he was so nice at first and was such a suave gentleman...but then changed after they had sex a few times. They never seem to get that it's all an act.

I want women to realize that if they want relationships, marriage, etc...then they will have to choose from the men who WANT THAT. Period. It's why I tell women if he's showing he doesn't want marriage, commitment, etc, or he won't give you what you want in a RL...then leave. You're just wasting your time.

Great post!

November 23, 2010

With all the shows on tv glamourizing the "hit it and quit it" lifestyle nowadays, I think the nice guy type is slowly becoming extinct.

There are lots of wonderful loving men out there. I'm actually glad that this attitude is not so in vogue at the moment, because the lower social incentive makes the gentlemen easier to spot.

November 23, 2010

You don't

The sooner you understand this the better.

agreed.....

November 23, 2010

Thank you for all your replies!!!

I am just curious to know how a guy would much rather have sex with loads of girls who may not even be that good looking and who may not 'get' him and have nothing in common with, and who he feels nothing for... than have sex with someone who he was in love with for a year, that they have amazing sexual chemistry, they have so much in common and a strong connection?

The reason I ask all this is because my ex, before he met me used to have lots of one night stands, when he met me he said that that wasn't fulfilling anymore that he would much rather be with me, and obviously sex with me was far better than any one night stand he had, because we were in love and had amazing chemistry/connection, etc..

We were together for a year and it got pretty serious/intense (u know how sometimes it can happen that u spend all your time together, lose your identities, not have your seperate lives, i became clingy, etc, which now when i look back i think, if we got back together i would definitely make sure that won't happen again) and he ended it (as it obviously got too much) because he didnt feel free, that he felt depended on, settled, etc...

However 3 months after he broke up with me I saw him and he started to cry told me he loved me, missed me etc.. that the connection with me is still there and hasnt found it with anyone else, however cannot be with me as he wants to feel free, doesnt want to feel depended on, settled, etc...

I'm just trying to understand how he can prefer to have meaningless sex with all these girls since we broke up, over having it with me when it is so so amazing?

I've won him over before, how can I win him over again?

(I called him a playa purely because hes having ONS, etc. but when he was with me for that year he said he prefered being with me than having ONS, but obviously it got too much.)

Edited November 23, 2010 by flow15

November 23, 2010

May I ask how old he is?

What you describe is a pretty common (and healthy) attitude for men in their 20s and early 30s. It takes a while before men want to settle down into an exclusive relationship, and a lot of us are focused on our careers during that time. I dated a lot of great women in my 20s who would have been great wives, but I would have been a crappy husband back then -- and I knew it. I have some regrets about that because I missed out on some amazing women, but the reality is that those relationships would never have lasted in the long-term because I wasn't ready to make them work.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change this; it's just part of growing up.

November 23, 2010

May I ask how old he is?

What you describe is a pretty common (and healthy) attitude for men in their 20s and early 30s. It takes a while before men want to settle down into an exclusive relationship, and a lot of us are focused on our careers during that time. I dated a lot of great women in my 20s who would have been great wives, but I would have been a crappy husband back then -- and I knew it. I have some regrets about that because I missed out on some amazing women, but the reality is that those relationships would never have lasted in the long-term because I wasn't ready to make them work.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change this; it's just part of growing up.

We are in our early twenties. Its not like I want to marry him. But clearly we have strong feelings for one another, we have this connection that we can't find with anyone else, amazing chemistry.. I don't understand how we can walk away from it. I just want to spend time with him, cos I enjoy being with him so much. I don't want to settle down, I'm too young for that, I just want to be with him. There are so many people I know my age who can be in a relationship but not 'married', I don't know why we can't.

And the reason why I ask all this is because I don't know how he can walk away from it all and get with girls who he feels nothing for and who he isn't interested in. IF you really love someone then surely you don't want to let them go. I guess it's something I find hard to understand.

Should I just ask him this??

Edited November 23, 2010 by flow15

November 23, 2010

Just read this forum and you will see this is not a gender specific trait. There are plenty of women that leave a relationship where they are being treated great because they want to be free and on their own and I think that is what this guy has done. I am not trying to insult but you should ask yourself if you would be as interested in him if he was not an out of reach player.

November 23, 2010

Just read this forum and you will see this is not a gender specific trait. There are plenty of women that leave a relationship where they are being treated great because they want to be free and on their own and I think that is what this guy has done. I am not trying to insult but you should ask yourself if you would be as interested in him if he was not an out of reach player.

I am interested in him because I was in love with him for a year, because of everythng that we have been through. I wonder if he doesnt want this purely because he just loves girls, and getting attnetion from lots of girls

November 23, 2010

But clearly we have strong feelings for one another, we have this connection that we can't find with anyone else, amazing chemistry.. I don't understand how we can walk away from it.

There is no "we." There is your perspective and his. For this man, he falls "in love" readily with women he perceives to be a challenge. The thrill for him is not finding "the one", but experiencing intensity. He can't settle down with you because then he won't be able to continue the euphoric cycle of attraction, chasing, winning (sex).

I know this is hard to swallow but those feelings that you think he feels deeply are generic. He feels attraction for and will feel that for lots of women. He's probably somewhere right now, turned his head, saw a woman and thought, "Wow, how can I get her number?"

I know this sounds depressing, but in a way it's liberating. All you need to do is focus on yourself and find a man who is not a player. There are quite a few of them out there. In time, you will realize that this guy is a douche and not worth it at all.

November 23, 2010

There is no "we." There is your perspective and his. For this man, he falls "in love" readily with women he perceives to be a challenge. The thrill for him is not finding "the one", but experiencing intensity. He can't settle down with you because then he won't be able to continue the euphoric cycle of attraction, chasing, winning (sex).

I know this is hard to swallow but those feelings that you think he feels deeply are generic. He feels attraction for and will feel that for lots of women. He's probably somewhere right now, turned his head, saw a woman and thought, "Wow, how can I get her number?"

I know this sounds depressing, but in a way it's liberating. All you need to do is focus on yourself and find a man who is not a player. There are quite a few of them out there. In time, you will realize that this guy is a douche and not worth it at all.

When I saw him the other day for the first time in 3 months, he was the one that said he always dreams about me, that he still loves me and misses me, and that he doesnt have this connection with anyone else. He was the one that said all that and made the first move, who wanted to kiss me. He was even crying!!

I didn't tell him any of that. Not untill we spoke two days later that I agreed that the connection between us is still so strong and intense.

November 23, 2010

I'm just trying to understand how he can prefer to have meaningless sex with all these girls since we broke up, over having it with me when it is so so amazing?

Well, with many actual playas, they simply can easily separate the emotional needs from the hormonal needs. This is even why I couldn't get into things like casual sex, and even why I don't get excited or aroused by strippers. I couldn't separate the emotion from it all...and needed the emotion to get my hormones fired up. Hence why I can get aroused and want wild passionate sex with a girlfriend...but not with some random girl I don't know.

In the case of your ex, it sounds more like he's scared. He's emotionally unavailable. He can easily give his body to things, but not his heart. He runs when it touches him emotionally and thus why things fell apart.

There is also the possibility that he wants to not lose those "sowing his wild oats" years many men see as a rite of passage in their 20s. So he could just be scared to be in love, but could also be scared of missing out on the chance to bang random women, even though he's doing this already.

My personal feeling is meaningless sex is a safe zone for him, but love is a scary place for him.

I've won him over before, how can I win him over again?

Well...you seemed to have been there before. Talk to him, see what happened and where things are going. Tell him you love him and am not going to give up on him so easily. Perhaps he'll come around. I normally don't give this advice, but based on your words this doesn't sound like a playa, but just an emotionally unavailable guy.

Just be ready to accept the idea that he might reject you or avoid it all, and the "special" thing you two had might now be a memory and won't come back. IF this happens, you need to find your own strength to cut the cords and move on.

You seem like a nice girl, and if he can't see what's in front of him, then he doesn't deserve you. Like I said in the other replies...find a guy who WANTS IT and BELIEVES IN IT. This is why I'm faithful to my GF and why I don't get into casual sex, strippers, etc. I wanted the emotional connection and I believe in love. There are plenty of guys out there like me...but they are often overlooked because they don't come "packaged" as the men women drool over.

I wish you good luck, but stay grounded in all this.

November 23, 2010

Well, with many actual playas, they simply can easily separate the emotional needs from the hormonal needs. This is even why I couldn't get into things like casual sex, and even why I don't get excited or aroused by strippers. I couldn't separate the emotion from it all...and needed the emotion to get my hormones fired up. Hence why I can get aroused and want wild passionate sex with a girlfriend...but not with some random girl I don't know.

In the case of your ex, it sounds more like he's scared. He's emotionally unavailable. He can easily give his body to things, but not his heart. He runs when it touches him emotionally and thus why things fell apart.

There is also the possibility that he wants to not lose those "sowing his wild oats" years many men see as a rite of passage in their 20s. So he could just be scared to be in love, but could also be scared of missing out on the chance to bang random women, even though he's doing this already.

My personal feeling is meaningless sex is a safe zone for him, but love is a scary place for him.

Well...you seemed to have been there before. Talk to him, see what happened and where things are going. Tell him you love him and am not going to give up on him so easily. Perhaps he'll come around. I normally don't give this advice, but based on your words this doesn't sound like a playa, but just an emotionally unavailable guy.

Just be ready to accept the idea that he might reject you or avoid it all, and the "special" thing you two had might now be a memory and won't come back. IF this happens, you need to find your own strength to cut the cords and move on.

You seem like a nice girl, and if he can't see what's in front of him, then he doesn't deserve you. Like I said in the other replies...find a guy who WANTS IT and BELIEVES IN IT. This is why I'm faithful to my GF and why I don't get into casual sex, strippers, etc. I wanted the emotional connection and I believe in love. There are plenty of guys out there like me...but they are often overlooked because they don't come "packaged" as the men women drool over.

I wish you good luck, but stay grounded in all this.

Thank you so much for your reply! It has helped me to understand it a whole lot better.

The thing is I am too afraid to tell him that I love him and want him, because we have broken up before and got back together after a month and he ended it yet again, and I begged for him back but he said no.

So I feel like I can't ask him back again, I need to have some pride left! The only thing that is making it tempting though, is the fact that he told me 3 months after breaking up with me that he still loves me etc, without me having to tell him anything. However he did state that we can't be together, but maybe he will come round if I tell him I want him. I find it hard to believe though and if he says no this time, then I guess I will have to walk away forever as hard as it may be...

November 23, 2010

When I saw him the other day for the first time in 3 months, he was the one that said he always dreams about me, that he still loves me and misses me, and that he doesnt have this connection with anyone else. He was the one that said all that and made the first move, who wanted to kiss me. He was even crying!!
I didn't tell him any of that. Not untill we spoke two days later that I agreed that the connection between us is still so strong and intense.

If he really loves you so much... why wasn't he in contact with you for the last 3 months? Why isn't he getting back together with you?

I don't care if this guy is what I would call a player or not. He does not sound like he is really, really into you.

His words don't match up with his actions. What does that tell you?

November 23, 2010

If he really loves you so much... why wasn't he in contact with you for the last 3 months? Why isn't he getting back together with you?

I don't care if this guy is what I would call a player or not. He does not sound like he is really, really into you.

His words don't match up with his actions. What does that tell you?

I guess he loves his freedom more than he loves me.

He has contacted me a couple of times in these 3 months but I ignored it as I needed to move on, and I was out of the country for 2 months. This was the first time we had seen eachother in 3 months.

November 23, 2010

Edit: sorry, mean to post this in a new thread.

November 23, 2010

I guess he loves his freedom more than he loves me.

He has contacted me a couple of times in these 3 months but I ignored it as I needed to move on, and I was out of the country for 2 months. This was the first time we had seen eachother in 3 months.

But u r right, if he really wanted me he'd ask for me back.

This is why I am just so confused because how can he say all that and not want us. But he did say he is really confused also, as he didn't expect to react that way when he saw me.

Maybe he thought he was over me when he obviously is not.

I guess I have to leave him to make his mind up as he is confused, but I don't know whether to tell him I want him to help him make his decision

November 23, 2010

I guess he loves his freedom more than he loves me.
He has contacted me a couple of times in these 3 months but I ignored it as I needed to move on, and I was out of the country for 2 months. This was the first time we had seen eachother in 3 months.

Just to be clear your using the word "Freedom" as a euphemism for "other women" or "the potential of other women".

But u r right, if he really wanted me he'd ask for me back.
This is why I am just so confused because how can he say all that and not want us. But he did say he is really confused also, as he didn't expect to react that way when he saw me.
Maybe he thought he was over me when he obviously is not.
I guess I have to leave him to make his mind up as he is confused, but I don't know whether to tell him I want him to help him make his decision

Just move on already!

Who cares why he doesn't want to get back together... he just doesn't. I know it sucks and his words are confusing you.

Would it help you to have an idea of what he is thinking? Chances are he loves you and misses you in bed and that's it.

November 23, 2010

There is no "we." There is your perspective and his. For this man, he falls "in love" readily with women he perceives to be a challenge. The thrill for him is not finding "the one", but experiencing intensity. He can't settle down with you because then he won't be able to continue the euphoric cycle of attraction, chasing, winning (sex).

I know this is hard to swallow but those feelings that you think he feels deeply are generic. He feels attraction for and will feel that for lots of women. He's probably somewhere right now, turned his head, saw a woman and thought, "Wow, how can I get her number?"

I know this sounds depressing, but in a way it's liberating. All you need to do is focus on yourself and find a man who is not a player. There are quite a few of them out there. In time, you will realize that this guy is a douche and not worth it at all.

You're pretty bang on with this but what you described here isn't a douche and nothing more. You've described an addict. Addicts will do douchey things to seek their fix. While this kind of addict is getting his fix, he may be capable of giving others nice treatment and be enjoyable to be around. Till the high wears off of course.

This is why even some fairly balanced people get hooked on them.

Straight up jerks only hook the damaged.

OP, think of him more like an addict and ask yourself if you would want to spend your days, months, potentially years trying to get through to the heart of a heroin addict. Because this guy can do you more harm than a simple jerk could give you. Jerks you get fed up with. You can dust them off and forget all about them. This guy will continue to let you see just enough good in him to keep you coming back for his crumbs. You'll wake up (if you're not already there) addicted to crumbs and with a skewed perception of how you should be treated in a relationship.

Try instead to list all the hurt feelings his actions cause you. And don't bother listing the good feelings he has given you because those good feelings SHOULD be had in a relationship that is healthy for you - so don't go giving him credit for that stuff. It would be like baking brownies for everyone who didn't treat you shabby. And you deserve more than just not getting treated shabby.

November 23, 2010

Thank you so much for your reply! It has helped me to understand it a whole lot better.

The thing is I am too afraid to tell him that I love him and want him, because we have broken up before and got back together after a month and he ended it yet again, and I begged for him back but he said no.

So I feel like I can't ask him back again, I need to have some pride left! The only thing that is making it tempting though, is the fact that he told me 3 months after breaking up with me that he still loves me etc, without me having to tell him anything. However he did state that we can't be together, but maybe he will come round if I tell him I want him. I find it hard to believe though and if he says no this time, then I guess I will have to walk away forever as hard as it may be...

Good call. Tell him one more time, but make this his last and final chance...meaning you walk and when you feel ready you start seeing other men.

If he can't get his **** together then he deserves to be alone.

November 24, 2010

Good call. Tell him one more time, but make this his last and final chance...meaning you walk and when you feel ready you start seeing other men.

If he can't get his **** together then he deserves to be alone.

Well I asked him and he said he didn't know what he wants, he needs time to figure it out as he's confused. And I told him, 'what so you expect me to wait around, i don't know if I'm supposed to wait around for weeks, months, years...' and he said, 'don't put so much pressure on me' and i said, 'ok im sorry ill leave you alone.'

So I didn't exactly get very far.

I have a feeling he's enjoying the single life, getting with lots of girls... maybe he wants to see how things go with the girl's he's seeing b4 deciding whether he wants to get back with me.

November 24, 2010

My suggestion then...either take time to be with yourself and let any wounds heal, then date new guys...or date new guys if you feel ready.

I also suggest you do not hold any torches for him. Too many women in your situation will then seek out a "copy" of this guy, but hope this "copy" will commit. The problem with this logic is then no one ever comes up as "good enough" and it comes out finally that the girl still really wants that one guy and can't seem to find attraction in anyone else...despite that he doesn't want her.

Big world out there and plenty of single men. Time to move on and seek a guy who will give you want you want in a RL.

November 24, 2010

Well I asked him and he said he didn't know what he wants, he needs time to figure it out as he's confused. And I told him, 'what so you expect me to wait around, i don't know if I'm supposed to wait around for weeks, months, years...' and he said, 'don't put so much pressure on me' and i said, 'ok im sorry ill leave you alone.'

So I didn't exactly get very far.
I have a feeling he's enjoying the single life, getting with lots of girls... maybe he wants to see how things go with the girl's he's seeing b4 deciding whether he wants to get back with me.

Why are you making excuses for him?

Look, you want to know what it sounds like?

I'm sure on some level he must really like you and care about you a lot, but it sounds like he's got some other personal demons he's got to battle first. A guy who doesn't care or respect himself properly can't love or respect anyone else. He's not ready for a serious relationship even if you are.

Don't wait, I know easier said than done because you have strong feelings for him, but think what if you DID get together with him and he still hasn't settled his stuff?

Nights wondering what he's doing when you're not together, maybe even checking up, if he's sleeping around, then maybe the risk of an STD. All that's going to happen is that your sense of self and self respect will take a major beating and it's just not worth it. Let him take care of his stuff, stop wondering about what he's doing and with whom.

Instead take that energy and invest it on yourself, give that love and attention to yourself, make yourself the amazing person you are and are meant to be, don't let others define your worth, YOU define it.

November 25, 2010

I prefer relationships (as long as my gf stays great in bed lol).

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Do men prefer to sleep with lots of women that mean nothing,or be in a relationship?

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